Subj: History of the Random Game Part V and Epilogue
Date: 30 May 1997 15:44:39 EDT
From: Mr Onliner


On February 4th, 1997, random gamers everywhere shrieked in horror when instead of their friendly entry box, they found a hideous message board. At first there was outrage:

Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 13:36:47 EST
From: Tocadisco
Message-ID: <>

Man, oh man....
i knew Chicago was lazy but this really bites....
You see, this has no charm???
And where are all the old posts??
I'm sorry...this is to much for me to handle..oh bring it back

Toca is dreaming, toca is dreaming, toca is dreaming
bad dream
wake up
wake up
wake up
wake up
wake up

Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 14:29:12 EST
From: AIias AKA
Message-ID: <>

How the heck can I find anything in here? It's bad enough that I am blonde. Now I have to actually THINK, too. Thanks a lot.

Subj: This really sucks
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 15:18:57 EST
From: SRA175
Message-ID: <>

This game really sucks, there is absolutely no point to it, and if there is, then I must not have found it in the instructions, but look at the instructions, Post a message, is there anything to be found? This is boring enough to put an insomniac to sleep! THIS SUCKS MURE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER SUCKED BEFORE, AND YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST SITTING THERE AND LAUGHING AT MY RESPONSE, BUT THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING IS


Subj: This sux.
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 15:44:31 EST
From: JH Probe
Message-ID: <>

That's all I have to say. One thing. Can I just remind you to bite me?

Subj: Thanks for the improvement, you bastards!
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 1997 16:51:08 EST
From: Mr Onliner
Message-ID: <>

Yeah, this new message board really helps alot! Gee, only one of my entries got erased this time!!

And by the way, HOs, have you ever heard the phrase "If it ain't broke don't fix it?" Obviously not, dumbasses!

I was angrier than anybody, but I also saw it as a chance to rally more votes:

Subj: Mr Onliner's Eville Darkside Campaign
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1997 20:41:48 EST
From: Mr Onliner
Message-ID: <>

The Campaign Rolls On...

Well, well, well...

What have we here? A little "improvement" by HO. God, this sucks. And what can we, the insignificant little specks of Hecklers Online do? How can we have a voice in the madness, a cry in the darkness, a candle in the wind, cause I'm a rocket maaaaaaan...

I'm sorry, I get distracted by shiny objects. Anyway, there is something we can do. As you all know, the Random Game Presidency Election is in just 10 days. And I promise, if you vote for me, we will take this thing down to the ground with one foul sweep of me mighty sword. Plus you get a really neat newsletter and you get to be my special helper.

"Hey!" your probably saying, "I don't trust Mr O! He's Eville!". Well I assure you you can trust me. Don't believe me, Cap'n? Here's what other experienced gamers have said:

"I like Mr Onliner alot! He's good and decent. I owe him alot of money!" - MagicClams

"I will give my immortal soul to Mr Onliner...and my vote!" - TocaDisco

"Mr Onliner should be running this game, not me! I'm incompetent!" - Ms. Darkfont

Yes, you too can join the force. Just post here, saying "Yes, I will vote for you, and the Random Game will be ours again!"

But what I didnt realize is that now that we were using a message board, hardly anybody reads everybodys posts. So, I tried again. On election day I posted this:

Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 16:55:38 EST
From: Mr Onliner
Message-ID: <>

It's election day, so here is where you vote for someone who will pretend to be in charge when really he is just a puppet for da man.

Here are the candidates:

Bloodguilt (Very Bad)
Nyello (Puhahaha!)
MR ONLINER! (Very good. Definitely very good.)

Here are some reasons you should vote for me:
-I killed Batman. He got on my nerves.
-I've been playing this game for almost as long as anyone. I took 3 damn bullets for this game, and I'm still ticking!
-I've got nekkid pitchers of Ms Darkfont.
-I love you. I really do.

Here are some reasons why you shouldn't vote for Bloodguilt:
-He's barely been playing this game for 2 months! For all we know, he's some sort of psycho Teen Chat reject!
-His name is "Bloodguilt".
-He is evil. His password is "666killrandomgamers".
-He hates you. He really does.

Here are some reasons why you shouldn't vote for Nyello:
-He is Nyello

So post here and vote FORME for the candidate ME that you think is best.

May the force be with you.

Of course now I realize that Bloodguilt is a SHE, but thats beside the point. The point is, no one cared about anything now because the message board had destroyed the random tradition. I realized that from then on funny posts from unknown hecklers on their way up would be ingored because of lack of name recognition. I realized that to find true talent I would have to suffer through a sea of unfunny flat-rate newbie posts first. I
realized that most of the people now playing were just in it for tokens. So after thinking for a while, I sent in this letter before the votes were counted:

Subj: Re: VOTE HERE!
Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1997 17:06:30 EST
From: Mr Onliner
Message-ID: <>

PLEASE, citizens of Gotham, read this note...

Id like to thank the people that took the time out to vote for me, and the people that voted for Mr. Bill, Scott Baio, and JoJo, the monkey dancer. That is why it is sad to make this announcement: Regardless of the official outcome of the election, win or lose, effective immediately, I am retiring from the Random Game. If I officially win the election, I resign my post to Scott Baio. If I lose, good luck to whoever wins.
Id also like to thank HO Myrrh, HO Chicago, and the mysterious Ms. Darkfont. Even though you destroyed a once great game, you did reward me a lifetime total of about 15 tokens, and I thank you for that. I would also like to thank Toca, Magic, MISS Bloodguilt, Khaleth, JamiJR, BabyLamms, Forty9errs, and everybody else for playing.
In the spirit of randomness, here are my last random thoughts for the surviving members of The Random Game to ponder.

If you scratch a modem, does it not stop itching? Capn Crunch is muh good luck charm. I kiss him everyday. I sorta like Darth Vader. That and Vanilla ice cream. Im such a rebel. Why do cats like to claw when they could just as easily dropkick? Wes Craven is a scaredy cat. May I see your tan line, Mandy? L is for Lucky Strike cigarrettes. O is for ovulation. V is for vowel. E is for easily perturbed. Pepsi is Is Pep? spelled backwards. One
time I was in Algebra class and my teacher S=X and it almost spelled sex! What makes a drive so hard? Id sorta like a tootsie pop right now. Quickcam is mean. If you see him in the street, point and yell "Meanie!". My chair is broken. Damn these chairs, son! If I look into the crystal ball, I see my other hand. Whos cardboard, and what does he want from me? I like to scroll. It makes me feel good. Check out this word: XUPER! Its super spelled
with an X! Pretty neat, eh? Will pet your ferret for tokens. "Whats your name? Liz. Short for Elizabeth? No, its short for lizard. Yeeeech!" Why is Texas shaped like my house? Who am I, and what am I doing with a rubber chicken? Gee, it sure is stretchy. I dislike you, mildly. Maybe Ill call you and tell you. No, I only call people I like. Why are the T and the U keys close together? Coincidence? I think not! "Whatsa matta, you no lika da
sauca?" Sometimes I feel like Aaron Neville. You know what I mean? I want milk. I want milk. Theres a rat at my toe and his name is HISS. Dont ask me why, thats just what he told me to say. I think hes a calico. I went to KMart, but they didnt have any U2 tickets. Who needs em? Just Euro trash anyway. When will that cappucino get here? Ive been waiting for half an...ahh...foamy... I like foam. Makes me feel snug and safe, like a newly
delivered stereo. Ill call you what I want to call you, and youll like it, Jim Beam. I like Jimmy Dean better than James Dean. Sausage rules! Shrimp SCCCCCAMPI! Casey is a whore, I heard it on VH1. "All his life hes pretended...but theres one thing he cant pretend!" Jack Palance is a dirty old man. My modem still itches.

Gee, that was fun. Reminds me of times before this awful message board. Anyway, I am now leaving the Random Game, and let it be known that YOU, Ms Darkfont, and the HOs involved, forced me out with this new format. The Happy Funtime Campaign is over, and so is Mr Onliners involvement in the Random Game. But mark my words, Darkfont AND Myrrh, I will have my revenge. I bid you all, a fond goodbye.

Mr Onliner

And after that, I was gone.
Im probably not completely qualified to write about the game from here on, since I wasnt in anyway involved in any of it, but I did read through it. Several people left as I did, but none so egotistically and dramatically ;). After I was gone, Toca emerged as a sort of Random God.

Subj: Friends of Toca
Date: Sun, 16 Feb 1997 00:51:19 EST
From: Tocadisco
Message-ID: <>

Does anybody like me?

Well, it never stopped me before.

Is it just me, or does it seem like Tocadisco would have to spend every hour of his life on-line to post as many things as he does throughout HO. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't he also then have to have no life whatsoever.

Since that post, he has had more subject lines devoted to him than anyone. Strange...
Nothing much has happened in the past few months. Abazars Little Corner of the World gained over 300 posts. Nyello went on and on about Gomers:

Subj: Grey Gomer is a jerk!
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 1997 16:18:38 EST
From: Nyello
Message-ID: <>

I hate that Grey Gomer! Grey Gomer is a silly willy! Grey Gomer is also a liar! Grey Gomer loved me onlt for my money! I used to love Grey Gomer . . . . . and Grey Gomer will always be one of the Gomers in the Mist.

Carcazoid started the HOPD Crimebusters:

Subj: HOPD Crimebusters
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 1997 12:36:56 EST
From: Carcazoid
Message-ID: <>

If you have information pertaining to an ongoing investigation, we need to hear from you.

Post messages here, or e-mail our temporary command post.

All information will be kept confidential.

Thank you,

Lt. Roi Z. Cadac

And ran for Senate:

Subj: Campaign '98
Date: Tue, 11 Mar 1997 23:31:59 EST
From: Carcazoid
Message-ID: <>

I just decided that I should run for Congress in 1998. In order to get a jump on the competition, and ensure that Hecklers Online is duly represented in our nation's capital, the campaign begins now.

I will run on these principles:

1. Free government cheese for everyone.

2. Free unlimited access to AOL.

3. Door number two.

But first, I must assemble a staff. Interested volunteers apply here.

Thank you for your support.

Carcazoid for Congress

Then he disappeared. Tocadisco tried one last time to convert back to the old format. The vote was about 20 people for the old game to 0 for the new, but HO Myrrh decided that wasnt enough.

After the game was for sure stuck in the new format, things cooled off. Nothing new was happening, so in an attempt to create a stir, I got MonkeyQQ to post this letter for me:

Subj: The final post of Mr. Onliner Date: Fri, 4 Apr 1997 18:09:14 EST
From: MonkeyQQ
Message-ID: <>

This isn't really Mr. Onliner, this is old monkeyboy. (rumors that monkeyqq is Mr .onliner aren't needed) It was Mr. Onliner's last request that I post this for him, because he has vowed never to play the random game again. You all really need to think about this. I did, and now I'm changing my gqame playing ways. Now, on with the letter.

When the new format was still young, I announced my retirement from the Random Game, and that was the last time I posted. Then a few weeks ago, MonkeyQQ wrote me saying that he was to do three tasks for me to relieve himself from Newbiedom. I informed him that I wasnt a randomer anymore, but then I realized I could use a messager to deliver my letter to the Random World. Now that the Random Game has reached 10,000 posts, I have
something to say...
Of course when the new format was introduced, everyone was skeptical. Many threatened to take action, including me. When finally I realized that the format was here to stay, I threw in the towel and announced my retirement. While out of the game, I still couldnt help looking through the new posts every day, searching for bright young talent like the kind that had once flourished on the old game. Months came and went, and now that we are
at 10,000 posts, I have came to an important conclusion.
Heres the part where Im supposed to say "IVE REALIZED THE ERROR OF MY WAYS AND IM COMING BACK TO THE RANDOM GAME! IM SORRY I WENT AGAINST YOU AND I PROMISE TO NEVER LEAVE AGAIN!" But thats not going to happen, Jack! Heres what I came to say: THE RANDOM GAME SUCKS! What the hell is the matter with you people?!? There are some funny moments from some funny players, but the rest of you are just embarrassing yourselves! This isnt
random, this is "Teen Chat"!
It makes me sad to think that the future of randomness is in your hands. Whens the last time you so-called "Leaders of the Random Game" have taken a look back at the old libraries, back when the real game was played? Then it was a sport, a real game. Now its just a poor excuse for a loser chat room. You can take the 7 tokens I got for my retirement letter and shove them! Id rather be tokenless...
I once believed that the Random Game could be saved, but now I know that is not true. The game is run by token-hungry sellouts, and is doomed to become another overunned HO failure. I weep for the future generations...

The disgruntled, anti-random Mr O.

Well folks, there you have it. The last memoirs of a madman. no wait, a man who is mad. Oh yeah, just to put something in for myself, a little clip from the letter I'm not supposed to write. (here comes the juicy stuff)

"If you agree to posting it, let me know. I know it's pretty harsh, but I really mean it. The game used to be fun, but now everyone just wants tokens. I chose you to deliver it because you are the best newbie on the board."

I personally think you all need to think about this.

Unfortunately, this didnt create an uproar as I had hoped. After that I figured the only way to make the game better was to show gamers what it once was. So I started writing this novel...and that brings us pretty much up to date, Sparky!


So now youve read the Random History, and hopefully youve taken something from it. Since Ive been writing this, great things have been happening. Colors and links were introduced to the game, starting weird wars. MagicClams has returned with his own "Cavalcade of Whimsy", in the spirit of old randomness.
Now I know that now were all adapted to the new format and its too damn late to change that. But I ask you, go back through the old libraries, theres so much more that I couldnt include. Maybe 1 out of every 10 posts now is truly random. It really could be so much better and so much more funnier.
Going back through history has made me without a doubt a much better Heckler. I hope now that you know the full story, you can be too.

The End