The Era of Ire Winners

A lot of pent up anger was released this last week. Let's see: the new format (not so new anymore) still sucks, the posters who post in big numbers suck, the newbies suck, I suck . . . This is but the beginning: battles of trademarks, battles of signatures, battles over the first to post 100 times. With all the anger floating around it's surprising to see that there were some actual entries this week.

We have some new names on the winners list. Let's single them out first to be mocked. 4 tokens to each of the following authors. This first post by Lavoris I find particularly amusing--I hope Lavoris meant for it to have the double meaning. Otherwise, I'm giving too much credit.

From: Lavoris49

I might hang a poster...on second thought, nevermind.


Subj: confused
From: NYGuy420

I have a bag over my head and I'm damn proud of it


Subj: The color blue.
From: Scritzoid

A few points about the color blue--

1) There is no (natural) blue food. Blueberries are purple. In fact the only food that doesn't occur in nature that's blue is that STRANGE looking blue Jello...

2) Blue is the most widely used color in nature.

3) It's also the most unnoticed and inexplicable. (Ex. "Mommy, why is the sky blue?" "Gee whillikers, Johnny, I don't know!")

4) Blue is a primary color.

5) Blue is constantly used to describe feelings of well.... bad. It is not a fun color.

6)Blue and red make purple... or is it "When you put purple in a centrifuge and spin it REALLY fast, you get blue and red." ??

Well, that's about it.

-------- Jake.


Subj: Trust me- I know!
From: DaniKLargo

Next time you're dancing on a bar- watch out for the ceiling fans.


Subj: Re: What's all this?
From: DolzaPrime

Well slap my ass and call me a derogatory pejorative.

Alrighty then. Next, if you were busy this week insulting people, you might have missed TootLoops' trick question post. TootLoops wanted to give tokens to the one who figured it out first. What the hell. 5 tokens to both TootLoops for asking the question and MaLkNoX420 for figuring it out first.

Subj: Re: My Mercedes!!!!!!
Original From: TootLoops

Reply From: MaLkNoX420

Imagine you are driving a Mercedes at 120 mph. The gas pedal is stuck. The steering locks. The doors lock. The brakes fail. You can't get out!!!! You're heading for a 1,000 foot cliff. What do you do?

Stop imagining

...if it says mal, it's got to be good...

In the last week we've seen a lot of ascii art...maybe it is the cause of all the anger. Well, no matter, 4 tokens to GOLDiLOCK9 for having the first one to line up right.

Subj: Three Leaf Clovers Work Better.....

Red Rover, Red Rover
I'll send this Three Leaf
Clover right over !!

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Don't stare too long at it. Now some miscellaneous winners. 5 tokens to each. I'd like to point out that Krazy had a great batch of Random Thoughts this week and I recommend you "List All" and read them. I'm putting a different entry of Krazy's in the winner circle, due to a debate over trademarks . (Or maybe I'm putting a different one in because the Thoughts post was very long.)

Subj: Swedish cooks apply here
From: Krazyk242

WANTED: Swedish cooks of any nationality. Applicants will not be dicriminated due to gender. Male need only apply. Interviews will be held only on Feb. 18. For interviews, reply at our website This website will not be setup until Feb. 20.


Subj: Turtle Bellies
From: BabyLamms

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, does that make him homeless or naked?



Subj: Re: If you could have a super power, what would it be?
From: ScooBee3

to go without sleep. if i never had to sleep again, wow, think of all the time i could spend on aol and still have time to have a life.

"I'm going to get you Dorothy, and your little dog too!"


Subj: Re: Vampires
From: JamiJR

Actually, I hear that most Malkies aren't crazy, they just seem to be because they're increibaly smart. IQs of 150 or more. And because they're so bright everyone of a lower IQ thinks that Malkies are nuts, so they pretend to be insane because most insane people live longer then the sane ones because people aren't as likely to get mad at them & kill them because they'll just think it's because of their insanity. But that's just what I've heard.



Subj: Dante303 vents
From: Dante303

I have always minded my own business and have been very soft-spoken, not like the louder regulars (MagicClams, Tocadisco). Nevertheless, I have been playing this game since it's inauguration. Remember back when the only post you got was from people asking what the hell is this? Well, I was one of the first people to ask that question. I have been with this game through The Early Years, and have I recieved one token from
it? NO! But, I'm okay with that. As long as I got my Random Game, no fuss, no muss, every week, I was happy. The tokens don't matter. It's the game that counts. As mushy as that sounds, it's true. But, last week I come into Hecklers, ready for my weekly dose of hilarity, and what do I see? This absolutely sucky new format. I'm sorry, I know that the use of the word "suck" has escalated tenfold since the new format was installed, but that is the only way to describe it. That is, without violating TOS. Don't I, Dante303, (formerly Dante202, formerly Dante209) one of your most loyal followers, deserve more than this? If not for me, do it for yourselves. I predict the "suck" postings will continue until you revert back to our old, beloved, format.




Subj: David Hasselhoff
From: Juice1000

Its a sad, sad day when David Hasselhoff is remembered more for Baywatch than for Knight Rider, a truly sad day


Subj: Re: This doesn't suck.
From: MitchRK

>>Hello. This doesn't suck. Thank you.>>

I'm sorry, but sales of all vacuum cleaners are final.

Finally this week, an entry from Tocadisco. I had trouble deciding how many tokens to give Toca for this entry, I mean it's not all his idea. But, I can't give the HO who wrote the original any tokens so, 7 tokens to Tocadisco.

Subj: A little story i wrote
From: Tocadisco

Well i didn't actually write it (just enhanced it like the new Star Wars Movie):

The administrator of Hecklers Online's Random Game is believed to have recently gone insane, according to reports. Not to mention, I'm a freakin duck....quack quack quack....hey, is that cocoa?

The mysterious figure known only as "that Random guy,"<--------------(THOUGHT HO MYRRH WAS A CHICK??? WHAT GIVES)
has not been seen or heard to emerge from the Random Office for some three weeks. Repeated attempts by THE Hecklers Staff to contact the Random Administrator through use of the intercom, inter-office e-mail, bicycle messaging services, and simply knocking have proved fruitless. WE TRIED TO LICK OURSELVES, BUT THAT'S JUST TOO DARN GROSS.


"I always knew something like this would happen!" says WG Scott, chain-smoking nervously. "Did I tell you? We NEVER should have brought in that guy!"<-------------(GUY???!!! Darkfont got a sex change?? I no longer want to make sweet love to her if that is the case.)

According to Hecklers Staff, TOCADISCO HAS A GREAT BUTT and the Administrator had gotten into a pattern of "just showing up for work, going straight back to his office, and closing the door behind him/her all day."

"WE SHOULD HAVE HIRED TOCADISCO. HE COULD FIX THINGS, HE'S GOOD LIKE THAT. MESSAGE BOARD, WHAT A HORRIBLE SYSTEM. COCOA ANYONE?" says columnist Owen "my name ain't Jerome" Fulrice. "I like to write columns. I'm cool like that. COOLIO."

"We first noticed something was up when the Random Game regulars began complaining," says HO "Don't speak to me, i'm busy" Chicago. "That made us REALLY sit up and take notice. I mean, the Random Gamers SOMETIMES complained before this, but we would spank them till they understood....RANDOM IS GERMAN FOR WE WILL KILL YOUR MOTHER! But then again, i never listen to them anyhow. I'm very not sociable. Kind of like a banana, you can eat it but
don't expect it to talk to you."

A random sampling of the posts on the Random Game Message board verify Chicago's comments:

"The new format SUCKS," says one gamer. "And so do all of you (except Tocadisco of course, he rules) EVERYONE BUT TOCA SUCKSUCKSUCKSUCKSUCK!"



"I hope you all understand i never bath," said another, signing his comment with an intricate ASCII drawing of a middle finger raised at the reader.

Surprisingly, no elephants died in the occurence.

Hecklers Executives are not going to like to read this post, ehhh??? ehhhhh???


"We're thinking of breaking down the door," says Wise Guy Sean. "But to be honest, that's a big door, and Tocadisco is god. I like when he heckled me. He's cool like that. I can't wait to go home and listen to Snoop Doggy Dog, he be the mutha in my crib, see?. And, let's face it - i'm not as cool as Toca. My butt ain't as purty."

Housed in a small basement office previously used as a Whore House, the Random Game office has always been very much removed from the bustling activity of the main thoroughfare of Hecklers cubicles. COCOA ANYONE???

"This is HO Chicago's area," says WG Scott. "To be honest, I don't even go into that part of the building anymore. Because i'm afraid he'll eat me. Arrrrf Arrrrrf Arrrrrrrrf, sorry, sometimes i think me be a dog. Woof?"

Woof is correct, Sean....woof your way to the bank.

"Random Game? I love that perfect, yet so firm." says WG Mike.

When asked when was the last time he'd been in contact with the Random Game Administrator, HO Chicago admits that it has been weeks. And then added that he is always in contact with himself, if you know what i mean.

"He goes around pretending he's a female. I mean the fake boobs were scary enough, but now he tries to make mad love to me.," he says, shaking his head sadly. "I kinda like it too."

The game has always been at the forefront of controversy, flaunting it's "no-rules, blank slate" format since NO RULES ALLOW THISjflefjsfjewpfkewpfk;efkepfkpekf';oekfel;joihwafoiwejflakwjflsfjw;alfjw;elkfjwel;fkjwalekjfwlafwethe beginning. Rigid game formalists have long protested its inclusion in the roster of other, more sensible Heckler Games.

"It infuriates chess players in particular," says Chicago. "They want order, and a formal system of rules - not chaos. We don't have that in the Random game. They prefer the work of Tocadisco. And man, what a great butt toca has."

Talking to Hecklers Staff reveals that the Random Game Administrator has always been the "office mystery." Pretending to be a female.

"Sure, Toca has a great butt," says WG Sean. "Long, stringy hair.
Then Darren steps in to and whispers in his ear. "Sorry, that was Chicago," corrects Sean. "Yeah, Toca has the nice butt."

"One time I'm almost positive I heard the bleating of an animal as I was passing by his office," reveals WG Scott. "And when I hear that kind of thing, I just turn around and walk the other way. I don't want to get involved. Well maybe i am just curious at times."

What tipped the scales towards a probable slide in the Random Administrator's mental stability is the recent change of the game over to a message-board format, away from a more traditional daily-article style.

"I've always said Random means Felix Unger," says Darren. "But i ain't no fungus Roger. I ain't no fungus. POOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPs."

Toca K. Disco
"Too lazy to change underwear, i'll just change my signature instead"

If you are still reading this file after that post, I suggest a life. Oh, I had to get in on the insults before the era of niceness begins. Congrats to all the winners this week.