The War

[With these separatist militias in Texas and these alien cults in California--oh and don't forget the helpless transsexual hookers--I really think it's about time that the Random Game pick a worthy cause to pursue. Any suggestions? As long as we get to use guns (water ones, of course), I have no objections.]

[Think about it. In the meantime 15 tokens go to Krazy and Crakerz. I know--they're long posts, but there are more winners; so ignore Krazy and Crakerz and just scroll down a bit.]

Subj: Tough questions and how to answer them
From: Krazyk242

Every now and then life will throw you a curveball. When this happens, it is best to throw back a screwball. Here are some of the most tough questions and how to answer them.

Should women use the men's room when the ladies' room is full?
This can actually be done with the most tact and dignity when done right. One can peek through the keyhole to see if the men's room is occupied, or if there be no keyhole, casually open the door a crack and peek in. If you are spotted, give the old "oh, I'm sorry, I though this was the ladies room". If the room is occupied, some espionage is required. For this women are encouraged to carry "ladies" and "gents" signs
in their purses. Then when no one is working, suddenly make the mens room the ladies room and vice versa. Then walk in casually and gasp when you see the men inside. Shreik "what are you doing in the ladies room?" and point out the new sign on the door. This method is a great way to belittle the man at the office.

How can I wear the new spring fashions without looking like a freak?
Sorry, but there is no way out of it. Runway fashions are made to make you look as freakish as possible. But this is no reason to be creative. That toga dress made for a flat chested size-2 waist can be rolled up and worn as a turban to sheild you from the hot sun or to mock gas station attendants.

Papa Smurf or Gargomel?
Hmmm....this is a question of morals. If one associates with Papa Smurf then one feels an inclination to help others and give wise advice or to paint themselves blue and strip down to red pants and a red KKK-like hat. One who feels for Gargomel is one always trying to suceed, but constantly proves himself a loser.

How can I carry a conversation with a really smart person without revealing the pathetic nimrod I am?
This needs some profound statements to be ready. When asked a question about a really long book or foreign film, it is best to say: "I see what you mean...however I noticed some symbolism about the struggle between the masses." If asked to explain further or, big word, elaborate, then say "What, you mean to tell me you didn't notice it?" Then walk away in disgust. If you are in the presence of math
nerds who are discussing an really long and mind boggling equation, put your two cents in and say "I beleive Einstein explained it best in his Theory of Mathematical Quantities. Of course, you heard of that equation, what schoolboy hasn't?". When politics are being discussed, refrain yourself from pointing out the tawdry Chelsea Clinton-Bob Dole affair and instead say this, " History has proven that a society cannot stand under the political
forces that are constanlty being exploited to a force beyond equilibrium." These phrases come in very handy- but will not be effective if the people see you keep glancing at your hand, where you've recorded everything.

the gods must be Krazy
* * * *
Subj: The Hyptnosis Kit: Bring Home the Tokens!
From: Crakerz123

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-hyptnosis cassette tapes
-my boxers
-a bag of frozen turds (may defrost during shipping)
-Mr. Roger's Con Guide

Here is a free sample to try out for yourself to show that we kid you not:

Did you ever notice that many people write about how you never pick theirlaughable entries givinin and how they deserve to win over some of the other loser entries? Well that's just a shame. I don't understand why people can't keep out the thought of not winning. I mean come on, be realisticnow. Life is tough, you can't win them all.

Do you just wanna give me all the tokens you have? Good, then ask Hecklers to transfer your deposit to mine and have a nice day.

We are not responsible for any breaks, bruises, falls, cracks, bumps, scrapes, cuts, or malfunctions of any kind. If you need help then duke it out with some guy from Hecklers cause it's all his fault. You will send one hundred dollars to me. You will also jump off a bridge. Have fun.

Brought to you by
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I'm the Crakman

o o
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({[- -]})
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C r a k e r z 1 2 3

[How long does it take until you are no longer a newbie at something? USAmen is definitely a newbie. But, this is win number two for NiCk--can it still be beginner's luck? 20 tokens for both this post and this reply.]
From: TheTick729

Now I was wondering, you know how in sports they reitre numbers, well I wonder if they retire the numbers of inspectors, you know, the ones who inspect your underwear. Like lets say an inspector is the best inspector ever, never had one article of clothing with his number on it that failed, would they retire his number so that no other inspector in that factory could wear that number? And what about the man who broke the color barrier in
underwear inspecting, do you think that they whole buisness retired his number, no other inspector could ever wear that number?
Well this is what I think about when I am taking a dump.

NiCk SoApDiSh

* * * *
From: USAmen

Official Response From Fruit Of The Loom: Yes, Nick, we do retire the numbers of our star inspectors, and even some who gave their lives for the serious profession of underwear inspecting. A good example is Inspector 23, who diligently and persistantly tried to track down the cause of a problem we were having several years ago with our size 48 men's white cotton briefs. It seems that every 12th pair was having an elasticity
problem that was causing the briefs to ride up causing what is commonly known as a "wedgy", which in turn, resulted in serious fecal marking (also known as "skid-marks"). After months of tireless work, Inspector 23 narrowed the cause of the problem to a spooling tensioner in loom number 625A. Inspector 23 bravely crawled into the bowels of this industrial-sized machine, but in his excitement, forgot to disconnect the power supply. When he
was found the next morning, he had been embedded with over 200 pounds of fine white cotton thread, and looked very much like a huge fly that had been trapped and wrapped in a spider's web. In his honor, a huge pair of men's briefs were custom-made in our pattern shop and marked "Inspector 23". In a special lunch hour ceremony, this brief/banner was raised to the factory's rafters where it still hangs to this day. Inspector 23 is a legend
around here.

Thank you for your avid interest in our products.


Seymour Hiney
President and CEO

Just Say No
a Kinder, Gentler Nation.

[These next winners are very personal to me. The first two posters personally touched me. No, wait, they touched me personally. No, that's still not right. Well, Crash and Jakal made me feel for them. Oh, forget it! 10 tokens to them, and 10 to Nyello and to BaldGhoti for screwing with me. Disturbing me, I mean. Is Freud online? I think I'm ready to talk.]
Subj: The Great Token Confiscation
From: PaulCrash

Well, after all this time, I have 90 tokens to show for all my posts to this list and other HO contests. I still don't have enough to get a crummy HO drink cooler and pretty soon the tokens will be gone. Why don't they have a sale so those of us with tokens can trade them in? HO Myrrh, can you do anything about this??
I guess I'm gonna have to be pretty damn funny during the next few months which doesn't look good for the immediate future. I am on medication for bronchitis and its makin me grouchy, so even the sight of Tammy Faye Baker falling down a flight of stairs wouldn't make me even crack a smile. Whoa, this medication is doing strange things to me. The turnip heads were back last night and this time they brought Mister Rogers with them (Can you say
brain-damaged?) It was horrible! What the heck was my point? Anyway, remember to follow the yellow brick road and may today be better than all your tomorrows or something like that.

This space available
* * * *
Subj: Hello!
From: Jakal1

ever feel cheated out of money? i have.

when someone walked up to me and said. "Would you like to buy a
Turkey Raffel Ticket?"... i am a sucker when it comes to raffels, so i said sure ill take one... it was only a quarter anyways.
She handed me a ticket and i gave her the quarter.
when she walked away, i read the ticket.
it said:

"Hello Turkey!!!
You have just beed screwed out of .25 cents!! You are now a member of the Dumb Ass Club. You will remain a member for the rest of you life, unless you sell this chance to another Turkey!!

Dont Bitch,
Dont Whine,
Get your Quarter back like I got mine!!!

i felt cheated
all for a turkey raffel..... next time i will look before i buy!!!!!!!!!!

; )

^i^ am i
i am
and i am loved;
once bitten twice shy.
only fools fall in love
to know me is to love me
i dont want to grow up,
im a toys are us kid!!!
* * * *
Subj: Several small hairless rodents and a vat of peanutbutter
From: Nyello

Nyello's experiment:

I wanted to see what would happen if I cross bred a chimp with a small hairless rodent of some sort.

Nyello's goal:

I dunno, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Nyello's experiment is put into action:

I herded together a pack of small, hairless rodents and I borrowed a chimp from my friend.
I put them all in a big peanutbutter jar and shook it up, hoping it would cause them to engage in breeding. Unfortunatly, I forgot to remove the peanutbutter. The rodents began burying themselves in the chunky style substance and the chimp picked lice out of its scalp. I hoped that this problem would solve itself, so I let it sit around for a while. A couple of days later, I opened the jar and a herd of peanutbutter encased rodents came
scurrying out followed by a rather comfused chimp. That was when I realized that all of the animals were male.