The rodents are running around our ventalation system. And the chimp is clinging to my leg making obscene noises.
Nyello's retrospective advice:
If I could do it again, I think I would have used a jelly jar. -Nyello
"BAD SPANK!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" * * * * Subj: Shoes
From: BaldGhoti
You know what? I used to have just one pair of shoes. Then one day I decided to climb a freshly painted fence. So now I've got a pair of shoes with big red stripes on the bottoms. Naturally I got another pair of shoes. So now I've got two pairs of shoes. One is nice and white, the other pair has red stripes. Then I got a job at Burger King. They told me "You have to have black shoes." So I went out and got a pair of black shoes.
They're all greasy now. And by this time, my nice white shoes have gotten dingy. So now I've got a pair of shoes that's dingy, a pair with red stripes on them and a pair of black shoes. So I then got my band shoes for the year. They got all dirty from marching in cow excrement. Now I've got four pairs of shoes; one with red stripes, one that is all dingy, one that is all greasy, and one that is covered in cow excrement. I asked my parents
if they'd buy me a pair of shoes. They said "You've already got four pairs! What do you need another pair of shoes for?" So I killed them and buried their bodies in my backyard, except that my dog digs them up and chews on the bones sometimes. But I just got a new pair of Nikes. If you try to touch them I'll hurt you badly. Baldie, Defender of Kitchen Appliances
[There is no reason other than an inexplicable one why AngelLove0 is getting a total of 30 tokens for these posts. I don't have some fondness for Moby Dick--I've never read it. Did read the Cliff's Notes, though. I've read many of the masterpieces in Cliff's Notes form; now I read Random posts. The deep meaning to this? I got what was coming to me for cheating, maybe? Angel, ask your English teacher for me.]
Subj: I am Moby Dick
From: AngelLove0
My life is an epic story.
Since your life makes you what you are, I, too, am an epic story.
According to my knowledgable English teacher, Moby DIck is an epic story.
Therefore, I am Moby Dick.
Of course, Moby Dick is also a whale, in which case that would make me a whale too.
And since you can only be a member of one species (species are kind of like religions), I guess that means I don't exist.
"Where the cheese wobbles and the weebles melt, and the Italians invade Italy." * * * * Subj: English is a conspiracy against whales.
From: AngelLove0
My English teacher persists in telling me all these "lower-level" things about books. He's obsessed with the "lower-level" of things. What he's really obsessed with is that 'lower-level" speech in Moby Dick. He spent an hour and a half explaing to us all the themes in this one page. One paragraph, is all it is. An hour and a half. He thinks everything ever written in any book had a "lower-level", some sort of alternate meaning. No author might
have just written "The girl walked into the store" just simply because at that point in the story he felt the girl would walk into the store. No, of course not. The girl walking into the store was a symbol of her joining society and the adult world, it becomes a rite of passage and a shedding of her uniquity, where at one point it may have just been that hey, she wa sout of peanut butter, she decided to go to the store. But apparently English
doens't work like that. People never write things just to write them, there has to be some kind of "lower-level" thematic statement in everything.
Really though, it's just a conspiracy. There is no lower-level. They just say that to stay in business. And possibly because they have a fettish for torturing teenagers with Scantrons and essays about things you weren't even aware were in the book.
"Where the cheese wobbles and the weebles melt, and the Italians invade Italy." [This last winner is long. Really, really long. I wish I had Cliff's Notes for this one. But, if it took Tocadisco and CortJstr as long to write it as it does to read it, then they deserve something. From what I gather, it's a takeoff of 1984, which I never read in any form. However, did see the movie. 25 tokens to each.] Subj: Re: AOL Ver. 19.84
From: CortJstr and Tocadisco
this is the whole thing
AOL Ver. 19.84
by CortJstr (Kyle McCowin)
and Tocadisco (Toca K. Disco)
(Tocadisco)
What is this? 1984?
I swear, Mr. Steve Case sure has an Orwellian view of things, for he created TOS (aka. Thought Police). I'd start a revolution, except I am scared TOSless by the thought police.
(CortJstr)
I can help you, meet me behind the factory on 5th + main, the sign is "the blue chicken flies at midnight", you must reply with "a baby in your lap can dampen you spirits" come alone, Big Steve will never know . . .
(Tocadisco)
I left the Ministry of Cookies at dawn and headed to the factory. Everywhere I look is the sign: Big Steve is watching you!! And somehow, I fear he is. You never know when TOS might show up. They watch your every step.
I had to make sure nobody from the Ministry spotted me as I went, and things were safe for awhile till I turned around and saw that albino girl from the office. She had seen me!!! She would certainly report me to TOS and I would lose my AOL account. But I cannot worry about that, for I must meet CortJstr at the factory.
I am here. I am at the factory. I am waiting for the sign.
(CortJstr)
As Cort proceded to the factory his eyes instinkivly flitted from side to side. In the distance he could here the vid-screens reading this months letter from "Our Friend and Protector, Big Steve". He also proceded past his workplace the MiniCheese he saw numerous Guides, the Narcs of AOL. He carried with him what is probably the most dangerous item around here, The Book of AOHell. This contained the secrets that could bring down Big
Steve, assuming he exists. The book had to be printed the old fashioned way and it couldn't be e-mailed, to easy to detect and trace. This held the secrets of scrolling freely, the underground auto-dialer, and free use of words like . . . it's better not to say it now, to many dark places around here. As Cort finally approached Toca he stopped cold, there was somebody behind the building. He saw what appeared to be an albino. He tried to
signal Toca, it was too late, the girl? disappeared. He ran up to Toca and grabbed his arm while trying to pull him away. Toca's struggle supprised him at first, until Cort realized Toca still had no idea who he was.
"The blue chicken flies at midnight" Cort uttered quickly to Toca.
"a baby in your lap can dampen you spirits" Toca replied, half shocked, half relieved.
It has begun.
(Tocadisco)
Cort lead Toca down an alley to his apartment. Heine-Fliny, the butler, answered the door.Cort handed AOHell to Toca. "Read this book as fast as you can. Just to see if you can beat the record, 8 hours. Then read it again, noting all the information. Are you willing to die?"
"Yes," Toca answered.
"Ready to heckle many people for no reason?"
"Yes"
"Ready to impersonate various deities?"
"Huh?"
"Play God?"
"Yes, of course."
"Most of all, are you willing to lose your AOL account?"
"Umm, no."
"Good," replied Cort. "It is important that you tell me everything. If they capture you, you don't know me. By then I will have a new screen name. We may have to change yours too. Now get lost, scram. TOS is on their way."
Toca went home and opened AOHell and saw this:
CHAPTER 3:
RANDOMNESS IS STUPIDITY
(CortJstr) Long held as the priciple slogan of AOL, we all know this to be false. Randomness cannot be stupidity as it is obvious that stupidity creates Randomness. Now, the Random can also come from intelligence, but it was born with the stupid, the ones who typed backwards, the ones who mashed their keyboards, it is them we owe. Lal;skdjf. Imagine a life with out such things. We are priviledged to remember such things, with
out our help, our children may never know . . .
Aw, to hell with this formal stuff. We all know planning sucks. Planning only creates flaws to be exploited. I mean, look at Big Steve, it's BS for God's sake! He tries to use his algorithms to structure us but we can find the holes. Use 0 a lot, it screws up all computers, try it just for fun. 0 0 0 0 0 0 0. Look at BS's biggest flaw, the year 2000, he will crash and we will regain power. He's trying to fix it but our "inside men"
are taking care of that. Many have died for this cause, someday we may ask you to join them. Someday we may ask you to eat a live carp, even we need a chuckle now and then.
Did this chapter have a topic? Aw, screw it. Should you meet one of us, remember them, don't use your buddy list, to easy to trace. Communicate quickly, use misspelled words and cryptic smileys, copy in unrelated IM's just for confussion. Use all purpose words like "Jones" ("I went to the dentist to get my teeth Jonesed", "Then Charlie Chaplin Jonesed the other guy"). Change you sig often and make it confusing. Put white text no white
backgrounds. But most importantly, fester with aluminum monkees.
Chapter 17:
Life in an aquarium
(Or, Guides are Love)
(Tocadisco) Toca put down the book. He could take no more of this. He had to find Cort again and talk about AOHell. And as he was about to take a shower, he received an e-mail. He had been TOSsed. Everything went black for a while. When he woke up, he was in a holding cell. He was not sure where. There were TOS monitors everywhere, telling him to sit still. He was starving, dying, in need of some
cyber. Next
to him were some other TOS prisoners. Dante303, KrazyK242, and ScorpioAsh.
And one time, the guards came in and took Krazy to Room 101 . She never returned. Toca was scared by the mystery that surrounded Room 101. He was even more scared by the fact that CortJstr was one of the prison guards. He was one of the TOS all along....
(CortJstr)
It looked like the end was near for poor Toca, Big Steve had finally won. Soon, Toca's friends disappeared one by one. First Dante, then Krazy, and they all went to the same place, Room 101. He was right, it wasn't long before Toca was escorted there himself. On the way he passed Dante. His head filled with joy.
"Dante" he called to her.
"Dante? I'm MephistoM . . ." she replied puzzlingly.
This really bothered Toca as he moved into Room 101. There he saw Cort. Toca lunged at him with cries of "Liar!" The guards held him fast and finally got him strapped into a chair, then left.
"Look around Toca, do you see any tele-screens? Of course not, nobody can hear anything we do in here."
Toca was now very much afraid.
"Don't fear Toca, I'm here to help you, I helped the criminal Dante, er, should I say Mephisto . . . I'm not what you think Toca. I actually am here to help you, you'll get a new name, a new identity, you'll be unstoppable . . ."
(Tocadisco)
Toca screamed like a banshee.....".but I can't even finish this plot Cort....do some more please....help me out....where do i go from here?"
(CortJstr) Cort looked at him in a very puzzled manner.
"Plot? What in the name of HO Myrrh are you talking about? You must be weak from lack of food. I'll get you something, do you like . . . rats?"
Toca shudered in his chair. Cort walked over and undid the straps releasing Toca who immediately ran to the food covered table on the other side of the room. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, they barely got anything in those God-forsaken cells. Cort began to explain exactly what was going on.
"You see I've been masquerading as one of the AOL Bwanas for years now, developed my reputation as ruthless and now I've made my move. Everytime somebody comes to me I help them, redirect them so they may continue their AOL bashing ways. Well, except hate posters, them I make listen to Michael Bolton CD's and then I rip out their toe-nails with rusty pliers, glue the nails together to form a scoop and gouge out their eyes with it. Then I
did them in salt and leave them to die. But I digress. Dante used to be like me but they found her, she was sloppy, she got emotionally involved. In fact right before they got her she came to me and asked me to save you. They only got her because she contacted too many people too many times, especially you.
"Quite honestly I'm not quite sure to do with you. You are far to important to the cause. Dante was easy, I just changed her into MephistoM, I hope she doesn't blow it. Knowing her she will, she'll go around anouncing who she is like a blithering idiot. Ah well, I think it's time to make our move Toca, it's time to confront Big Steve and AOL head on. We need to start contacting our friends. This, my friend, is war . . ."
As Cort finished his incredibly loooonnnng speech Toca let out a loud belch. He had cleared the entire table. The time had come, Toca and Cort began to compile a list of friends and form their plans. After this AOL would never be the same . . . (Tocadisco) They looked at their list. "Not very long, is it?" Toca asked. They looked at their list, which contained the only person who could possibly ally themselves with Toca and Cort, the only person who was still "online"........
ABAZAR P!!!
"Dear god," gasped Toca. "We'll go to hell...."
(CortJstr)
"We'll have to wait for the perfect time to strike, soon, AOL will be belong to the people."
Cort and Toca laughed for several minutes, much like cheesy tv bad-guys. But first they had to find Abazar, then they had to convince him to join them. Cort decided this should be Toca's job, Cort couldn't risk getting caught this late in the game. Besides, Cort was desperately trying to figure out how in the hell he was going to end this series . . .
(Tocadisco)
But first Toca had to do his math homework, he got 2+2=4.
(CortJstr) Cort was beginning to get annoyed with Toca. Cort hadn't seen Abazar in forever and a day and was hoping that Toca had. Just then Dante/Mephisto burst into the room.
"Wait! You can't rush into this, I mean, as much as I love Toca I wouldn't follow through with plan like this. We have to go slowly, little by little, start with the Random Game. If we suddenly take out AOL all at once there will be a revolt, half the people on the planet will be killed. Slow and subtle is the way to go. We don't want to end up like the guy in that book, uh, what was it? It had a number in it, um, was it a year? Oh
wait, I've got it: Fahrenheit 451, that's it."
Cort and Toca agreed, they'd take it slow, gather subjects in the Random Game, then move on . . .
The (praise the Lord) End
well, what do you think? Are we on crack or what?
"There's not danger so pressing that it couldn't be worse" ---- Kender saying [I'm never going to pass the test on this one.]