The Lame Duck Period

Let's see, token counts are reset on the 31st? Here's my guess, anyone who had 150+ tokens has cashed in by now. Why wait to see if you can move up to a whole new prize bracket in two days? Most who haven't cashed in have probably given up hope of getting even a Hecklers Drink Hugger. So, who cares about the Random winners this week? Let me take this time to slack off. Please?

Ah, forget it, this HO never rests; I'll set five goals for myself to fulfill in this period of insignificance. My first goal today is to give tokens to a player who has probably already cashed in. So, 20 tokens to Mr Onliner.

Subj: Mr O's IM Etiquette
From: Mr Onliner
As someone who gets a lot of IMs, I must say it's about time that we make some rules to make these conversations better. These rules will not only be easy to follow, but they can also be fun for the whole family!


When you're chatting through IMs, you have plenty of time to worry about your spelling and puntcuation. Don't cut any corners, or madness could ensue.

Mr Onliner: So how's your sister doing?
ExampleGuy: Ah, she's giving me major head.
Mr Onliner: WHAT?
ExampleGuy: Oops! I mean she's giving major payne head!
Mr Onliner: Uh...
ExampleGuy: Dammit! I meant to say, she's giving me major head pains!
ExampleGuy: Hello?

Rule 2. Don't answer questions til they're asked.

This is a really annoying occurance that happens all too often, and can drive you crazy. If not fixed, it can destroy a perfectly good conversation.

ExampleGuy: I'm doing alright.
Mr Onliner: How you doing?
ExampleGuy: That was weird!
Mr Onliner: Was that weird or what?
ExampleGuy: Stop what?
Mr Onliner: Stop that!
ExampleGuy: Oh, I won't do it anymore.
Mr Onliner: Answering me before I ask.
ExampleGuy: No, don't go!
Mr Onliner: I'm leaving!
ExampleGuy: Screw you too, pal!
Mr Onliner: Screw you!

Rule 3. Don't give too much information.

Sometimes you may feel that you need to tell your IM buddy personal information. If you feel you must, at least wait until you know them better, or you could scare your buddy away.

Mr Onliner: BRB
Mr Onliner: Okay, had to go take a leak.
ExampleGuy: I have tiny genitals.
Mr Onliner: Uh...
ExampleGuy: I think it has something to do with my masturbating constantly.
Mr Onliner:
ExampleGuy: I haven't seen a female in 2 years.
Mr Onliner: I gotta something...
ExampleGuy: That's okay. I was just about to go shoot up a post office.
Mr Onliner: You take care of yourself...
ExampleGuy: I'm gonna kill my mom.

Rule 4. Don't get your IMs mixed up.

Sometimes you have to carry on mulitple IM conversations at once. If doing so, always make sure that you don't get the writing fields mixed up, or people could get hurt.

Mr Onliner: I've been having a really bad year.
Mr Onliner: My fiancee broke up with me.
Mr Onliner: My dad died from a liver disease.
Mr Onliner: Still there, ExampleGuy?
ExampleGuy: Yeah, I just had to answer another IM. Go on.
Mr Onliner: And then I got kicked out of school.
Mr Onliner: I lost my job at McDonald's.
Mr Onliner: Our family had to file for bankruptcy.
ExampleGuy: Yeah, the guy's still here. He's a real loser, telling me a big sob story. He got dumped by his ugly-ass fiancee, his drunk dad kicked the bucket, he got kicked outta school, fired by friggin' MCDONALD'S, and on top of it couldn't even support his family! I wish he'd just go away, but what am I supposed to do?
ExampleGuy: Oops! Wrong IM! Boy is my face red! Heh heh...

Rule 5. Try and be interesting.

The worst thing you can do is be boring and hard to respond to. If you can't think of anything interesting to say, at least try to make good responses.

Mr Onliner: So what's up, ExampleGuy?
ExampleGuy: Nothin.
Mr Onliner: Doin' anything today?
ExampleGuy: No.
Mr Onliner: I'm thinking about robbing a bank. I don't care about laws anymore. You think I should?
ExampleGuy: Yeah.
Mr Onliner: I might commit suicide. I mean, my wife's a nude model, but all she wants is sexsexsex! What would you do?
ExampleGuy: Don't know.
Mr Onliner: I did some research and found out where you live. I'm gonna come to your house and cut your friggin head off. You like that?
ExampleGuy: No.
Mr Onliner: I'm coming for you, you little sonofabitch!
ExampleGuy: Ok.
ExampleGuy: Yeah.

Rule 6. Cybersex

Alot of people like to have "cybersex". This activity is perfectly harmless, but if you break the mood it can turn out disastrous. Not that I would have cybersex...heh heh...that, that's just pathetic...heh heh...

Mr Onliner: I'm taking off your clothes.
ExampleGal: Ooh, you're turning me on...
Mr Onliner: I'm slipping off your bra...
ExampleGal: I'm taking off my panties...
Mr Onliner: I'm pulling down my pants...
ExampleGal: BRB
Mr Onliner: Wait, we were...
ExampleGal: Okay, had to go poop. I've got explosive diarrhea.
Mr Onliner: Um...
ExampleGal: I can feel you rubbing my back...
Mr Onliner: Maybe we should do something else...
ExampleGal: Oooh, I want you to lick me all over...
Mr Onliner: I don't feel so good.
ExampleGal: TAKE ME NOW!
Mr Onliner: I gotta go do some stuff...

I hope you've all learned from these 6 simple rules. And just remember, if you feel like you need to IM me and thank me, always follow Mr O's IM Etiquette. Thank you and goodnight.

My second goal for the day is to annoy people by having them scroll down over a long post. Oh, I already did that. Okay then, goal three: to make sure there are a lot of winners, but only give them the minimum amount possible. I'll do that right now. Here's a bunch of 10-token winners.
Subj: Re: This Post Rated RG13
From: SGood42
>>Mastubation causes blindness" >>

So does sticking sharp objects in your eye....hmm funny not as many people seem to do that
* * * *
Subj: Re: Welcome to Hell
From: MephistoM
There are lots of heavy machinery in my backyard making a lot of noise. My floor is vibrating. SSo i s myu kkeyvord.
* * * *
Subj: I have an Unusual Talent
From: JTrollerb
I have an unusual talent. I can Fly a plane blindfolded. If I were you I would defiantly wear your seat belt. I would bring along a food supply, flotation device, fire engstingulisher, a parrachute, radio, flashlight, and a rubber inflatable raft just in case anything unusual happens. But remember, you will be flying the best and safest quality you will ever live to see, especially since I always fly blindfolded.

P.S. I reccommend you also bring along a barf bag.
* * * *
Subj: Re: A very sad day and the moral dillemma that follows
From: Tocadisco
I'm the master account..nobody in my family knows what it means.

And you know what?

Sometimes..........(when i'm feeling really naughty!)..........i restrict myself.
* * * *
Subj: Re: Even More From My Sick & Twisted Mind
From: BabyLamms
My whole left side of my body is a little bigger than the right. For instance my left shoulder is higher, my left breast is bigger as well as my foot. My hair is longer on the left. My left eyebrow is higher than the right. I'm 3 inches taller on the left side... wow, i'm a circus freak.

My fourth goal is to give tokens to somebody who has never gotten tokens from me before, and additionally give tokens to somebody who I almost always give them to. Let's see, those somebodies are XXkOsMoXx and Krazyk242. So 15 tokens to each of them, as well as to Lavoris49 and ArrowsDeja, who have nothing to do with any goal of mine.
Subj: Coors Commercial
From: XXkOsMoXx
O.K if they have a guy named beer man, And a guy named Bobingheaddoll man. Does that mean the guy who sells hotdogs is named weenie man. good thing they don't sell tiny Hot Dogs because I wouldn't want to be Tinyweenie Man. And the baseball bat guy is Wood Man? Another thing would be those mini bats, Smallwood Man. Boy would I hate that.
* * * *
Subj: It all adds up.....
From: Krazyk242
Vaseline + a herd of cows = redneck fantasy

a stick + a monkey = one angry monkey

tequila + a puppy = a hangover with bite

pretty girl + you = slap in the face
* * * *
Subj: Bee
From: Lavoris49
Let me tell you about the local news in my area. Last week, some woman found something unidentifiable in an old coffee can (It looked like some dried up fruit to me). "What the hell is it?" News 4 asks. Meanwhile on channel 6, "If there's anything worse than the smell of fertilizer, it's got to be the smell of fertilizer on fire." Experience Idaho.
* * * *
Subj: Re: Look at this.
From: ArrowsDeja
>>>Our research indicates that you might be interested in Adult Material.>>

Translated: We have found that you have an e-mail address, would you like some porn....

>>>If you are not, or are offended, please accept our apologies>>>

Translated: Please do not TOS us....

>>>We are offering a website that can satisfy all sexual preferences. In
addition to our 500+ high quality pics, we are now offering a free live
video feed with every new signup. That's right, see strip shows live, up
close, and personal for free! Also, to make things better our password
will give you access to over 1,000 other sites just like ours. That is
over 1,000,000 pics!>>>

Translated: We're hoping you're horny...

>>>If this offer sounds good to you, simply click on the Blue link below. Hope
to see you soon. Have a great day.>>>

Translated: So if you are horny, come help support us....

My fifth and final goal is to award tokens to someone who doesn't play anymore. The closest I could come to that is Carcazoid. 25 tokens to him.
Subj: For Your Listening Pleasure...
From: Carcazoid
...Pat Boone will perform his interpretation of that LaBelle classic, "Lady Marmalade".

Airsick bags are located on the seat back.

Refunds are available at the gate.
* * * *
Subj: Re: One Finally Responded
From: Carcazoid
>>Hey! Speak any English?!>>

I do. And I also speak Randomics.
"Gimme some damn tokens"
"Gimme my tokens, dammit"
"I get tokens now, right?"
"So where's my tokens?"
"Where do I get my prizes?"
"How do I win?"
"Did I win this time?"
"I'm here now, gimme free stuff"

English Translation:
"I'm a pre-pubescent moron, and I have no idea how to play."

I've run out of goals but have a few more tokens to give. Well, I could try to get off ShavedYak1's hit list. 20 tokens to ShavedYak. . .
Subj: Re: Look what you've done to me!!!
From: ShavedYak1
>>So you are trying the ranting approach again?>>

Actually, I'm no longer in this for the tokens. As it seems no matter how hard I try (even though I really haven't), I merely play this game for the joy of bringing a confused frown to others faces.
* * * *
Subj: Re: Mr Onliner's Cavalcade of Whimsy
From: ShavedYak1
>>BuddyIn- doorbell ringing
BuddyOut- doorbell ringing
Sign On- doorbell ringing
Sign Off- doorbell ringing>>

Yeah, I think I get it. So you hear a doorbell ringing...
You check your buddy list. No change. Check to make sure you're still online. Yep. Check to make sure you didn't log on again. Nope.
Check your mail, no mail. Check anything else it could be. Doorbell rings again. You finally realize someone's at the door.

. . .and 25 tokens to Yak's hoofed pal, BaldGhoti.
Subj: Re: BaldGhoti's Dead Thread
From: BaldGhoti
Our state has a curfew law, but it isn't enforced. So, my dad decided to use this law to give me a reason to be home by 11:00. It's 10:58pm, and we (my sister and I) call him from a gas station 5 minutes from our house.

So we called him. Collect. "Dad, it's 10:58pm, and we're afraid we're gonna be late. We are at the Mobil at the corner, and we'd like permission to drive home." We woke him up and everything. Revenge is sweet.
* * * *
Subj: Re: BaldGhoti's Dead Thread
From: BaldGhoti
Caller: Hello, is this the man of the house?
Me: No, he's at work.
Caller: Oh, is your mother home then?
Me: Nope.
Caller: Do you know when they'll be home?
Me: Hmm.. What time is it?
Caller: It's about 8.
Me: 3 days.
Caller: Oh, I see.
Me: Give me your phone number and I'll have them call you back.
Caller: No, we're not allowed to distribute the business number.
Me: But you sound so sexy, I've just GOT to talk to you again.
Caller: I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not allowed to fraternize with customers
Caller: Uh, maybe I should call back *click*

I think she likes me.

We're down to the 30 token winner, Nyello. And, I'm going to cut off Nyello's post for old time's sake. Well, that and it's very long. Here's Scene One out of ten scenes. Consider this the trailer, proceed into the message board for the rest, if you dare.
Subj: Random Game--The Horror Movie!! (With apologies to Wes Craven)
From: Nyello
The man who brought you Random game--the movie, Soap Opera and musical proudly presents--Random Game--The Horror movie!

Scene 1

[The setting: a dark, mysty swamp. MaLkNoX420 and CurlyAnnT are trudging through the muck and myre when they stumble across an empty noose hanging from a tree]

Carly: Wow, look at that!
Mal: Look at what? I can't see a thing through this myst!
Carly: It's an empty noose!
Mal: Hey, I have an idea--let's get real close to it!
Carly: Great idea!
[They walk right up to it and begin to stare at it]
Mal: Sure is quiet out here.
Carly: You said it.
Mysterious voice in the shadows: I think I can make it a bit louder!
Mal: Who is that?
Mysterious voice in the shadows: Can't you read?! I'm "Mysterious" . . . . oops. I mean, your worst nightmare!
Carly: Let's get out of here!
Mal: I agree.
[Mal and Carly begin to run away from the noose and the mysterious voice. Mal trips and falls into the mud. Carly stops to help her]
Mal: Thanks Carly. But that gesture of kindness was a deathwish.
Carly: How so?
[Carly's head falls off]
Mal: Actually, it was more of a chop than a fall.
[Mal's head falls off.]
Mysterious voice in the shadows: Dammit! I was aiming for their waists! Stupid football helmet!
[The mysterious voice in the shadows steps out of the shadows to reveal a muscular man wearing a football helmet]
Mysterious voice in the shadows: Hockey was already taken.

And, finally I'd like to acknowledge all those people who played the Random Game in this week of little importance. You all deserve something, but the best I can give you is, well, nothing. Talk to, or better yet, bribe CurlyAnnT and maybe she can manage to give you a ~~Wasted Time Award~~.