Rational thought should be left for the monkeys. (MagicClams)
Only man can be true irrational. (MagicClams)
Escatalogical is a really long word for "pee". (MagicClams)
Pee is a really long word for "P". (MagicClams)
I'm a lot like Muhammad Ali......except
without all that boxing stuff.... (MagicClams)
Vegas isn't so much a city as it is a monument to evil.... (MagicClams)
Drunken musings, by MagicClams
1. When life gives you shit, make shit-ade.
2. Maybe it's the liquor, but I have the sudden urge to go bowling with
3. Do you ever get the creepy feeling that Regis Philbin is staring at you?
4. Gone wind-surfing on Mount Baldy.
5. I'm thinking of changing my legal name to Pepe SweetPants. What do you
6. Basset hounds gots long ears.
7. I think that I have a constitutional right to be provided with festive
8. I'm a-hankerin' for a hunk o' cheese!
9. LORDY, LORDY, WE'RE HAVIN' BISCUITS TONIGHT!!!
10. Take my word for it, dude, never eat dog tranquilizers.
11. When I grow up, I wanna be a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger!
12. I am the yodelling king. YODELEHIEHOOOO!!!!!!
13. I like to look at the monkeys.
14. Who's been eating my Jimmy Dean Sausages?!!
15. Remember the old saying, "A bird in the hand....will peck your eyes out."
16. I've got a pocketful of red hot lugnuts!
17. Standing atop a teetering tower of torpor.
18. Who's frying baloney?
19. Approaching the tunnel at the end of the light.
20. My name is Koko, and I'm here to DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!!!!!
21. I hear high pitched voices singing "Copacabana".
23. I wonder what my tongue tastes like.
24. I am the angel of death. The time of purification is at hand.
25. Oodles of green noodles make blue poodles jump der shtroodle.
26. I've got fish in my pockets.
27. The clumsy giant plays hopscotch in the moonlight.
28. I hope this doesn't sound like a come on, but would any of you like to
29. Hey, baby, you look like a squirrel. Mind if I store my nuts in your
30. No, that's not a toothpick in my pocket. I'm just happy to see you.
31. I may look like a monkey, but I love like a stallion! (MagicClams)
TOP TEN LISTS BY MAGICCLAMS!!!!!!!
Top Ten Reasons I am Better Than Everybody Else.
10. While everyone else requires food, water, warmth, and rest to survive, I
can live entirely on beer and powdered sugar.
9. Unlike the rest of you, when I get drunk, I almost never make clumsy
passes at farm animals.
8. Only I come with New Car Scent.
7. I have the power to strip search all Norwegians.
6. MY speaking isn't peppered with "Okie-Dokies".
5. Unlike most of you, I can watch Casablanca without crying like a baby.
4. My dad can beat up your dad.
3. I can communicate telepathically with squirrels.
2. I gave Richard Roundtree the idea for the character, "Shaft".
1. Three words: Twelve inch Penis.
Top Ten Least Effective Pickup Lines.
10. What's a nice girl like you doing in a mortuary like this?
9. Aren't you my cousin?
8. Don't make me kill you.
7. I don't mean for this to sound like a come-on, but would any of you girls
like to have sex?
6. Care to find out why the police call me "Mr. Droopy Drawers"?
5. No, that's not a toothpick in my pocket. I'm just happy to see you.
4. Hey baby, you look like a squirrel! Mind if I store my nuts in your
3. You know, a girl like you could make me give up my career as a crazed
2. I may look like a monkey, but I love like a stallion.
1. Would you like fries with that?
Top Ten Least Frequently Used Hyphenated Words.
Top Ten Ways the World Would Be Different If Orville Redenbacher and Adolf
Hitler Switched Places.
10. Neo-Nazi's emulate Orville by replacing the famous "Skinhead" style with
permed, big-boy styled haircuts.
9. Jiffy Pop gains enormous market share in Israel.
8. Joseph Mengele's experiments lead to a whiter, blonder, Aryan Popcorn.
7. Reddenbacher rises to power on a platform of economic reform, an
increased German military, and a promise of 25% more kernels popped per bag.
6. Indian corn is mocked and humiliated at Nazi hate rallies.
5. Popular "Reddenbutters" popcorn replaced by very unpopular
4. The Fourth Reich is led, not by a Hitler clone, but by Orville's dorky
3. Instead of surrendering to Hitler's tanks, France is forced to surrender
to Reddenbacher's air poppers.
2. Jews killed in microwaves instead of ovens.
1. Popcorn no longer considered Kosher.
Alternate: New slogan changed from "Reddenbutter's are ReddenBETTER!" to "MACHT SCHNELL!"
Top Ten Signs Your Spanish Teacher Is Going Insane
10. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane...".
9. Only requirement to pass the course: Festive Sombreros.
8. Notes on the board are frequently written in German.
7. Insists on referring to every student as "Pepe".
6. Has paranoid fear that the school will be robbed by the Frito Bandito.
5. He is constantly saying, "To Hell with Spanish, who wants to talk to a
bunch of dirty Mexicans, anyway?"
4. So called "Field Trips" are just excuses to hide in the bushes outside
Julio Iglesias's house.
3. Only notes he's written on the board this quarter read, "Taco Bell =
2. Always showing off a picture of his "happy" nephew in Honduras working for "Aunt Kathy Lee".
1. He thinks O.J. didn't do it.
pretty neat (KayHun)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out. (Sporq)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. (Sporq)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
"erl wells." (Sporq)
101 things NOT to say during sex
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? (Sporq)