FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. 5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 10. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 11. Remember half the people you know are below average. 12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? 13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool. 14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 15. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 20. I intend to live forever - so far so good. 21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back. 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. 24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. 25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. 27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going
""THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME""'Thanks Pat!! MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......'LOGIC' "If you fall of that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......MEDICINE "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO THINK AHEAD "If you don't pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......ESP "Put your sweater on, Don't you think I know when your cold?" MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......TO MEET A CHALLENGE "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you….Don't talk back to me." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HUMOR "When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME......HOW TO BE AN ADULT "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......SEX "How do you think you got here?" MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......GENETICS "You are just like your father." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY......ROOTS "Do you think you were born in a barn? MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......THE WISDOM OF AGE "When you get to be my age, you will understand." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......ANTICIPATION "Just wait until your father gets home." MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT......RECEIVING "You are going to get it when we get home." AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING......JUSTICE "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.....then you'll see what it's like." Did you see your parents or yourself in here somewhere? Send this on to a friend so they can have a chuckle
Zodiacal Zephyri Acrophonology!!!
""KIDS"" A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom." ***** Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet." ***** On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" ***** A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ***** A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
The Washington Post Report asked their readers how they would tell Gen-Xers how much harder "we" had it in the "old days." Second Runner-Up: ==================== In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) First Runner-Up: =================== In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45's and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45's always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield) And the winner: ================== In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia) Honorable Mentions: =================== In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield) In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK --- GAAK! Urrgh ... Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park) In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover) In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms together. (Diana Hugue, Bowie) In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)