Later in the week, two tabloids surfaced at the Dollar General Store in Brownstown:

There have been no new tabloid newspapers in our local supermarkets in the  last  two
weeks, with the exception of the National Examiner, which appeared last week but not
this week.   I am curious to know if there has been a  similar  dearth  in  your  province.
Lemme know, please.

Craig Klugman wrote from Fort Wayne, Indiana, Sun 4/18/21 @22:06 EDT:

Same here.

Carole Otis wrote from Waukegan, Illinois, Mon 4/19/21 @10:27 CDT:

Our local Jewel grocery store still has a few of each – National Enquirer,
Star  and Woman’s World  –  but the cashier said they are phasing out all
newspapers.

J. Ewing wrote from Lexington, Kentucky, Sun 4/18/21 @19:39 EDT:

Don't ask me.  I haven't even been inside a grocery store for over a year.

They probably all  declared  bankruptcy  because no one is just idly standing
around in grocery aisles - subject to impulse buying - during Covid-19.  

You don't even need tabloids anymore, as you can find even more absurd ru-
mors and conspiracy theories on line.    Like the aliens contracting with Big-
foot to run a national chain of pedophile/child trafficking pizza parlors,  who
deliver pizzas to your home that infects you with Covid-19,  during the invi-
sible,  Clinton-sponsored injection of a mind control microchip  invented by
Bill Gates and George Soros

Renée Black wrote Sun 4/18/21 @16:07 CDT:

"Dog of the week" is a very entertaining feature, but
  why is there no "cat of the week"?

Cats are all the same (Jan, please help us flesh this out).    – Editor

Tested positive, 716,160; died, 13,256.
                                                                 [courtesy N.Y. Times]

A 76-year-old Henry County farm woman died  trapped  in  a
grain bin.
                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

joshvanc.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Joshua Vance, WM, 5'6", 150 lbs, possession of syringe; Jessica Flowers, WF, 4'11", 130 lbs, possession of syringe (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 443,504; died, 6,517.
                                                                     [courtesy N.Y. Times]

Sheep on a Kentucky Utilities solar farm in Mercer County were
being streamed on Ewe Tube.
                                                                            [courtesy LEX18]

simpsonm.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Matthew T. Simpson, WM, 34, 6'5", 180 lbs, meth (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "There is no doubt in my military mind that eventually, odds   are, Barry Wood will say something funny."                                                                            – Leonard Simon

Dog of the week:  cat's dog This is Garfield's dog,  Odie,  of course, categorized also as a wire-haired dachs- hund-terrier mix.

One of a trio of  rhino  poachers  in South Africa was trampled to death
by a herd of elephants (by the way, it's a "pride" of lions, a "murder" of
crows and a "crash" of rhinos). .  .  . A cat stowed away on a Sudan Air
Lines flight from Khartoum  to  Dakar  attacked  the  pilot,  forcing  the
plane back to takeoff. . . . An Australian court ruled  that  farting  is  not
protected by freedom of expression. .  .  .  A woman in Bedford,  Michi-
gan,  glued her eyelid shut  with  fingernail  glue  she  thought  was  eye
drops. . . . Arizona Senator Krysten Senema posted a photograph of her-
self on Instantspam Instagram wearing a ring with the words "Fuck Off"
inprinted on it in hostility to protests of her vote against a federal mini-
mum wage increase.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

sharpnak.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Michael Custer, 21, mobery; Ashley Henderson, 40, contr. subs.; Carley Crotwell, 21, mj; Victoria Garcia, 36, theft, c.s.; Isabel Torres, 23, DUI; Cristin Adams, 35, theft; Shannon Hurtt, 39, mobery; Sharpnack Preston, 31, tootattooed

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intel- lectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World News Round  Table  at the offices  of  Borf   Books outside   Brownsville,  Kentucky,   just   after church every Sunday.   Guest  speakers  lined up for meetings in the near future will include

Darian Benson and Jerry Quijano

lifejesu.jpg Jesus Scares Life Saver Dude "He don't skeer me"

Honkin de Spain wrote Weds 4/14/21 re town names:

And what about Possum Trot, Kentucky?

There's one in Alabama, too.    – Editor

Amy wrote Sun 4/4/21 @10:07 a.m.: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllant- ysiliogogogoch?  Not only can I not pronounce it;  I wouldn't even want to live there. Malachi wrote Sun 4/11/21 @10:30 a.m.: Racists are right:  White is better than black – Russians, that is [chugalug]. Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):

"Bill Clinton was right:  A blow job is not sexual relations."                                                                                                            – Leonard Simon Dumb news from Indiana:

Sherry  Bozeman,  33,  plead- ed guilty to incest and moles- ting two children, aged 6 and 3,  and got a 24-year sentence in Kokomo. Her crimes were discovered    in   Clutterbook Facebook  posts  by  her  boy friend.                             [Kokomo Tribune]

andrewba.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Andrew  Barrett, WM, 5'7", 200 lbs, residential entry, strangulation; Jailyn Williams, BF, 5'5", 120 lbs, robbery; Tracey Kline, WF, 5'10", 150 lbs, controlled substances; Nikki Gibson, WF, 5'1", 130 lbs, theft: Terre Haute's: Jacqueline Riggins, WF, armed kidnapping (Michiana, Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 439,898; died, 6,415.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

The Kentucky Bourbon Festival was again delayed by covid-
19.
                                                [courtesy Glasgow Daily Times]

How one   of two   coffee   shops in   Lexington   dealt with   vandalism       . . .          [LEX18]

windowcs.jpg Someone threw a rock and broke the glass but we are open; philonte.

Dog of the week:  porgi  This guy looks a little like the corgi  and dorgi  we featured the last two weeks,  and our roving reporter thinks he's a Polish corgi.    It's the Editor's dog, acquired as a stray when, we believe, Granny died and the boys cared not to care for him.   We first named him Reese, for Pee Wee;  then, Pujo, after Cujo;  but the editor's wife,  who  is Polish, calls him (pronounced "gwoopy"), which is Polish for stupid, or silly.

damienr.jpg Wanted in Waco: Damiean R. Hamilton, BM, 37, 5'11", 156 lbs, probation violation (failure to register as sex offender); Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): David Anthony Marshall, WM, 39, 5'7", 180 lbs, aggrav. robbery; Antonio Larue Hagans, BM, 20, 6'2", 150 lbs, deadly conduct; Robert Phillip Castro, WM, HM, 35, 5'7", 165 lbs, too many L's in Philip, retaliation (Abilene Crime Stoppers, City of Waco)

Airbnb was refusing one-night reservations for the 4th of July  to  guests
"without a history of positive reviews." .  .  . Ruchika Tulshyan,  founder
of Candour, an "inclusion strategy firm," was pushing a movement to get
people to pronounce other people's names properly. . . . A dog who hitch-
ed a ride in Dinwiddie County, Virginia, became an 8.6-million-view Tik-
Tok star. . . . Queen Elizabeth II was back at work. . . . None of the 70 vo-
ters in LaRussell,  Missouri,  showed up for  election  day;  and  officials
were searching the law for what  to  do  (the only issue was a referendum
on annexation to a fire district). .  .  .  National  Rifle  Association  officer
Wayne LaPierre  admitted  taking refuge on a friend's boat  after  a  threat
over the Sandy Hook and Parkland school shootings. . . .  Oregon,  which
rescinded its ratification of the 14th Amendment and voted  not  to  ratify
the 15th Amendment in the 19th century, adopted "Juneteenth," or "Eman-
cipation Day," as a state holiday. . . . Colton  Underwood,  former  star  of
TV's The Bachelor, came out as gay. . . . Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lo-
pez called off their engagement ("J-Rod are done").

                                                                   [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

darajeav.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Darajea Vonelliott Waters, BM, 20, 5'10", 180 lbs, probation violation (assault, damage); Cortez Dayvon Nolan, BM, 27, 5'4", 210 lbs, tattoos "Teshia, Keisha" r. arm, "Respect, Loyalty" l. arm, Prob. viol. (aggr. battery, escape); Ashley Nichole Mills, WF, 37, 5'6", 160 lbs, tattooed arm, prob. viol. (burglary; Ziarreas Kental Bernard, Crosby, BM, 24, 5'10", 180 lbs, aggravated robbery; Andrew Joseph Chandler, WM, 39, 6'4", 210 lbs, tattoos all over, probation violation (DUI, failure to stop) (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

kristinm.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): William Baskin, 39, theft; Kristin Moore, 39, walking with traffic; Cynthia Torrez, 40, Yorkshire hog, marijuana; Elsa Tapia, 55, paraphernalia; Kasey Wagg, 23, DUI,; Valerie Gomez, 35, parole viol.; Faylin Bell, 36, Yorkshire hog, marijuana; Michael Clark, 21, marijuana

lifelate.jpg Life Saver Dude: Try this on the boss: "the real reason I was late to work"

Honkin de Spain wrote March 24, 2021, re the U.S. map we printed
in the March 21 issue with funny town names in all the states:

How about printing your old U.S. map from your book Ideas for a Better America?

OK, that was a map of suggested new names for state capitals, and here it is:

The book had also a map showing the actual state capital names and our suggested
relocations.  The maps were summed up in the following table:    – Editor

States	Present capitals	Move them to:	Or rename them:
Alabama	Montgomery	Dothan	Aardvark
Alaska	Juneau	Angoon	Grab Bag
Arizona	Phoenix	Tombstone	Dog Fashion
Arkansas	Little Rock	North Little Rock	Toejam
California	Sacramento	Truckee	Extreme Unction
Colorado	Denver	Bailey	Dearth
Connecticut	Hartford	Cobalt	Dandruff
Delaware	Dover	Dewey Beach	Naziville
Florida	Tallahassee	East Pensacola Heights	Catawumpus
Georgia	Atlanta	Ballground	Bistro
Hawaii	Honolulu	Lower Paia	Coodsboro
Idaho	Boise	Pocatello	Plastercase
Illinois	Springfield	East St. Louis	Hay Bale
Indiana	Indianapolis	French Lick	Gray Shit
Iowa	Des Moines	Keokuk	Fuckaduck
Kansas	Topeka	[no help]	Shinola
Kentucky	Frankfort	Rabbit Hash	Dog Waller Holler
Louisiana	Baton Rouge	[leave it there]	Fescue
Maine	Augusta	North Kennebunkport	Frango
Maryland	Annapolis	Arbutus	Barracuda
Massachusetts	Boston	Ipswich	Eighty-Six
Michigan	Lansing	Dowagiac	Liver Lover
Minnesota	St. Paul	Good Thunder	Skinny Dip
Mississippi	Jackson	Yazoo City	Groadville
Missouri	Jefferson City	Kansas City	Sixty-Nine
Montana	Helena	Bozeman	Frustration Falls
Nebraska	Lincoln	Hastings	Thermopane
Nevada	Carson City	Lower Rochester	Feelgood
New Hampshire	Concord	West Epping	Licorice Center
New Jersey	Trenton	Bivalve	Grime
New Mexico	Santa Fe	Wagon Mound	Old
New York	Albany	North Tonawonda	North Southeast Dover
North Carolina	Raleigh	Pisgah Forest	Almost Heaven
North Dakota	Bismarck	Sentinel Butte	South
Ohio	Columbus	Cincinnati	Comatose Falls
Oklahoma	Okaloma City	Indianapolis	Oleoresin
Oregon	Salem	Coos Bay	Buttfucker
Pennsylvania	Harrisburg	King of Prussia	Closet Queen
Rhode Island	Providence	Pawtucket	Hemorrhoid
South Carolina	Columbia	Nine Times	Scrotum
South Dakota	Pierre	Lead	North
Tennessee	Nashville	Strawberry Plains	Teefor
Texas	Austin	Lubbock	Teefor
Utah	Salt Lake City	Junction	Bunion
Vermont	Montpelier	South Hero	Fallopian Tubes
Virginia	Richmond	Pennington Gap	Premature Ejaculation
Washington	Olympia	Walla Walla	John Blue Moon Odom
West Virginia	Charleston	Dorothy	Egg
Wisconsin	Madison	Sheboygan	C'est la Vie
Wyoming	Cheyenne	Badger Basin	Runny Nose

MORE LETTERS to the Editor:        Our roving reporter, Stephen Yates, wrote Tues 4/6//21        @12:57 CST:                Under the influence of  National  Public  Radio,   I've                caught myself saying the  suggestive  "Thank you for                having me"  and the redundant "Thank you; I appreci-                ate it" over and over.  I'm counting on my speech ther-                apist [right] to cure me of this habit."

Malachi wrote Sun 4/4/21 @10:06 a.m. from Llanfairpwll-
gwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,Wales:

Having wonderful time; wish you were here.

Tested positive, 699,472; died, 13,131.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

Tree trimmers rescued a cat stuck in a tree in Evansville.

                                                    [courtesy Columbus Republic]

hibshman.jpg Elkhart's most wanted: Christopher Hibshman, WM, 5'9", 170 lbs, excape, forgery (Michiana Crime Stoppers); South Bend:s: Eric Fissette, WM, 5' 7", 240 lbs, possession of syringe

Tested positive, 435,601; died, 6,328.
                                                                  [courtesy N.Y. Times]

The Silent Grove Missionary Baptist Church did meet on East-
er Sunday. . . .

The University of Kentucky erroneously e-mailed 500,000 high
school seniors  acceptance  letters  to  a  health science program
that usually accepts 35 to 40 students a year. . . .

A new law allows abandoned baby boxes.
                                                                           [courtesy LEX18]
      

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said): "I've been having trouble getting a date lately because women  just don't trust themselves around me."                                                                        – Leonard Simon

chrislee.jpg Wanted in Waco: Chris Lee Davenport, WM, 42, 5'11", 10 lbs, fraudulent ID, theft; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Krista Nicole Dreiling, WF, 33, 5'11", 240 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob. viol. (forgery); Samuel Amthony Schmidt Jr., WM, 37, 6'1", 150 lbs, prob. vi. (opiates); Ginger Renée Rounslee, a/k/a Ash, Hammerquist, Herzog, WF, 53, 5'9", 110 lbs, burglary, opiates; Charles William Best III, WM, 40, 6'4", 217 lbs, pro. viol. (dom. battery) (City of Waco, Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Sports Illustrated's 2021 swimsuit issue will include one  male  among  its 15 contestants.  .  .  . The San Francisco school board will take a  second  vote  on renaming 44 schools  with  racist  names,  including Abraham Lincoln.High School. . . . In South London, England, a man was stabbed to death at a vigil for  a man who had been stabbed to death . . . The corona- virus caused a ketchup packet shortage in American restaurants.

                                                                        [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Dog of the week:  dorgi  A  cross  between  a dachshund and a corgi (last week's dog),  also  popular with British royalty.  Queen Elizabeth has both corgis and dorgis.

Gonzaga  University  tried its worst to lose to the University of
California at Los Angeles in  the semifinals of the National Col-
legiate Athletic Association men's  basketball  tournament,  and
failed. . . . But they tried even harder in the championship game,
against Baylor,  and lost their first game of the season in their fi-
nal game. . . . Stanford  tried  its  worst  to lose to Arizona in the
women's final game,  and  failed. .  .  . ESPN  tried  its  worst  to
broadcast the women's tournament,  and succeeded (by not post-
ing the game clock on screen).

natvicks.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nathaniel Vickers, 21, burglary; Kimberly Sanchez, 21, pos.; Kristin Lenz, 21, EPO; Athina Carrillo, 20, DUI; Francisca Perez, 28, poss.; Yolanda Sandoval, 46, paraph.; Jessica Haro, 30, speeding; Patricia Gonzalez, 36, fam. assault; Andrea Mendoza, 37, walking w/traffic

lifegodo.jpg Godot Life Saver Dude: But how long must we wait?

jesusave.jpg Jesus died for our sins. Except he didn't actually stay dead. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend? A thought for the holyday: Jesus gave up his weekend for your sins.

Publius Leget wrote Sun 3/28/21 @08:01 CST:

So, whadabout Patty Sue Derebery Derebery in last week's "deadlines"?

Tabloid Headlines Easter lily poll (vote early and often): These were grown in the  Editor's back yard by his wife,  who  calls them narcissus; but some say they are daffodil.  What say you?

Tested positive, 692,207; died, 13,069.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

College basketballers in the Final Four tournaments in Indianap-
olis (men) and San Antonio, Texas (women), were playing Wif-
fle Ball, Ping-Pong, TikTok and lots of Uno to  while  away  the
time between games.
                                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

     

whittley.jpg South Bend's most wanted: William Moore, BM, 5'6", 120 lbs, felon w/firearm; Courtney Whittley, WF, 5'2", 130 lbs, theft, marijuana; Shantae Harris, BM, 5'5", 165 lbs, escape, felon w/f (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Tested positive, 431,785; died, 6,192.
                                                                [courtesy N.Y. Times]

There was no evidence of Palm Sunday services  at  the  Silent
Grove Missionary Baptist Church near Pig in Edmonson Coun-
ty.
                                                   [a Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

    

masseyza.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Zachariah K. Massey, WM, 30, 5'11", 190 lbs, parole violation and DUI (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):     "Oversleeping students are debunked."                                                                        – Leonard Simon

Dog of the week:  corgi Affectionate,  smart,  and  alert,  according to the American Kennel Club.      The  one pictured is a "Pembroke Welsh corgi," and a favorite of British royalty.

adamsali.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Adam Salinas, HM, 39, 5'11", 200 lbs, solicitation of minor on line; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Virginia Lynn Shelden, WF, 36, 5'3", 160 lbs, prob. viol. (opiates); Wanted in Waco: Tasha Nicole January, WF, 22, 5'5", 227 lbs (Yorkshire hog), meth; Roosevelt David Davis Jr., BM, 37, 6'2", 245 lbs, probation (meth) (Abilene Crime Stoppers, Sedgwick County, Kansas, Sheriff, City of Waco)

Sitting beneath a painting of a slave plantation, Georgia Governor Brian
Kemp signed the Election Integrity Act  as officers arrested State Repre-
sentative Park Cannon,  who is black,  for knocking on Kemp’s door. . . .
President Biden's dog  Major  bit  another  federal employee shortly after
returning to the White House. .  .  .  A man charged with  participation  in
the U.S. Capitol raid was wearing a shirt reading  "I Was There,  Washing-
ton D.C., January 6, 2021" when arrested at his home in Dallas, Texas. . . .
Volkswagen announced that it was changing its name to Voltswagen,  then
admitted that that was a joke. . . . England's tabloid Sun proclaimed Prince
William the  world's  sexiest  bald  man. . . . Government shooting victims’
families in Myanmar were told that they would have to sign a letter affirm-
ing that the military was not responsible for the deaths in order  to  retrieve
the bodies of their loved ones. . . .  Los Angeles County Sheriff's detectives
said they found the cause of golfer Tiger Woods'  recent  automobile  crash,
but refused to say what it was. . . . In an April Fools Day prank,  Jill Biden,
disguised as a stewardess with the name tag "Jasmine,"  handed  ice  cream
bars to reporters on a return airplane flight from California  to  Washington.
. . . Sarah Palin tested positive.
                                                                     [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

eggenber.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Corey Eggenberger, 42, trespass; Natasha Mundell, 33, DUI; John Vidaurri, 37, DUI; Monica Hogeda, 40, trespass; Aaron Lange, 53, fam. ass.; Sheles Spiller, 49, trespass; Conner Featherston, 28, DUI; Lonnie Haley, 57, trespass

DISCUSSION GROUP:     Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are invited to attend the  Weekly World News Round Table at the offices of  Borf   Books  outside  Brownsville,  Kentucky,  just after church  every  Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in  the  near future include Chloe Bibby.

Major League baseball canceled its designation of
Atlanta as the site for this year's All-Star Game, in
protest of Georgia's new election laws (for politici-
ans, not for baseball stars).

lifeloui.jpg "Smash your left hand down about right here three times, then twice up in this area, then three times right about here - that's 'Louie Louie" " Life Saver Dude: "And now we know"