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- AIRBORNE: Lands on and kills the snake.
- ARMOR: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
- ARMY AVIATION: Has GPS grid of snake. Couldn't find snake. Flies back to base for crew rest and a manicure.
- RANGER: Plays with snake and then eats it.
- FIELD ARTILLERY: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with massive TOT barrage with three FA brigades in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded the Silver Star.
- COMBAT ENGINEERS: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series FM about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that the maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations.
- NAVY S.E.A.L.: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. (SEAL blames bad intel for mission failure.)
- AIR FORCE FIGHTER PILOT: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
- COMBAT CONTROLLER: Guides snake elsewhere.
- PARA-RESCUE: Wounds snake in the first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
- MARINE RECON: Follows snake and gets lost.
- SPECIAL FORCES: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, and then trains it to kill other snakes.
- ARMY MILITARY INTELLIGENCE: Locates snake without snake knowing. Studies snake and it's movements. Reports back to company commander on snake's location and movement. Snake discovers it's location has been compromised and disappears. (MI blames poor OPSEC for snake's disappearance and conducts SAEDA training for next six months)
- ARMY QUARTERMASTER: Captures snake, applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it (that's got to hurt!). Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedures and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.
- JUDGE ADVOCATE GENERAL CORP: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and it's defensive posture.
- CHEMICAL CORPS: Starts to gas the little bastard, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, UTAWBAG (Up Their Ass With Bugs And Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.
- SIGNAL CORPS: Consults with Forestry Service as to the location, species, and endangerability of snake, prepares OPORD, conducts prestaging in the Motor Pool, disseminates FRAGOs, tactically convoys to ISB, spends three days in tents at ISB, convoys to site in field, establishes signal site, sets up NC and erects Cammo netting, and establishes a tactical signal environment, discerns location of snake in AO, uses 2.5 miles of flourescent engineer tape to "mark off" snake's AO to ensure that there's an obviously "endangered species" within the perimeter, set up barbeque grills tactically hidden under and behind cammo and forget about snake.
- ROTC: Prof of Military Science at obscure Florida school sends
platoon of ROTC Cadets out to insure snake does not get onto
football field. One half of ROTC platoon gets lost in end zone,
abandons equipment and weapons and executes retrograde movement to
nearest Burger King. Other half of ROTC platoon finds snake. Several
members run away screaming. One member grabs snake and chases female
cadet with it, then falls down on snake and breaks leg (cadet's, not
snake's). Cadet gets lifetime pension for LOD injury. Snake escapes
onto football field, while remainder ROTC platoon die of thirst
trying to find way back to ROTC building.
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