Sometimes a great notion from the Vatican

One thing about being pope: You can call a spade a spade and not lose a wink over
your popularity ratings. Thus, Pope John Paul II came right out and uttered the
God's-awful truth: Divorce is a plague ripping apart modern society.

He made these remarks at a Vatican magistrates meeting, during which he also urged
lawyers and judges to become conscientious objectors to divorce by refusing to
participate in them. John Paul acknowledged that his recommendation would be tough to
follow - judges can't really refuse to hear divorce cases - but popes are idea guys.
It's up to someone else to sort out the details.

Not everyone cheered the pope's observations. Radicals chastised him for being a
"fundamentalist," while others accused him of wanting to "turn back time." Alessandra
Mussolini, a Parliament member and granddaughter of you-know-who, defended divorce as
the often-best option for warring couples.

She's right, of course, if by "warring couples" she means somebody's getting a pizza
pan upside the head. But John Paul is also right when he says that divorce "has
devastating consequences that spread in the social body like a festering wound."

The pope's assault on divorce is practically stepping on the heels of a more popular
recent assessment of divorce by psychologist Mavis Hetherington, who made national
headlines of the "divorce-ain't-so-bad" variety, earning her the adoration of
millions of guilt-ridden divorced parents. Hetherington found that three-quarters of
children of divorce are "functioning in the normal range" two decades after their
parents' divorce.

(Full Disclosure Paragraph: I myself am a recovering guilt-ridden, erstwhile divorced
single mom, now-remarried stepmother as well as the daughter of five mothers,
including four stepmothers, so I figure I'm sufficiently screwed up to qualify as an
expert. My only agenda is to save others oh-da-troubles I've seen.)

First, I have a huge problem with phrases like "functioning in the normal range." On
the "normal" continuum, there's a vast distance between Point A (converted to Islam,
moved to a cave in Afghanistan and plotted mass murder) and Point B (is deliriously
happy and grateful that his parents divorced when he was a small child).

According to Hetherington's study, "normal" means things like establishing careers
and building intimate relationships, which, admittedly, is better than finding out
that thousands of adult children of divorce are living in Dumpsters, just as the
Vatican always predicted.

But functioning normally as an adult doesn't minimize the suffering children endure
when, wholly dependent on the unconditional love of their parents, their lives are
suddenly eviscerated.

Hetherington acknowledges as much. For the children in her research, she says,
divorce was "usually brutally painful ... cataclysmic and inexplicable. How could a
child feel safe in a world where adults had suddenly become untrustworthy?"

Excellent question. Do children get over these cataclysmic events? Of course they do,
just as children "get over" war, disease and famine. Yet no one ever suggests that
functioning normally as adults diminishes the damaging, if not quantifiable, effects
of such early childhood experiences. Likewise, the good news that divorced kids
function normally as adults without regular electroshock therapy shouldn't be
construed to mean that divorce is OK.

It's not OK. It may be necessary or unavoidable, but it's not OK. I'm a normally
functioning adult, too, thanks to that padded room we installed in the basement. And
while growing up with multiple mothers has its pluses - a new religion and new décor
every few years - I'm guessing I could have avoided some history-repeating traps had
my father pursued fewer personal-fulfillment paths.

And though it is true, as Hetherington points out, that divorce can be an opportunity
for growth, healing and personal fulfillment, those are strictly adult talking
points. Kids just want the same mother and father arguing at breakfast every morning.
They're fundamentally not interested in whether Mom and Dad are happy 'n' fulfilled,
but rather whether they, the children, are happy and fulfilled, i.e. fed, clothed,
hugged, tucked in and - huge item here - 1,000 percent sure of not bumping into a
stranger in the bathroom.

OK, here's the crumb you've been waiting for. No, not everyone should stay married.
I'm with Dr. Laura on this one: Abuse, adultery and/or addiction are legitimate
reasons to dump one's bad choice. But otherwise, marriage is a promise to your
children that you'll behave like a grown-up and put their well-being first.

The pope has the right idea; it's up to us to sort out the details.
                                                                         by Kathleen Parker

 

Roman Catholic lawyers should refuse to handle divorce cases, Pope John Paul has said. He said divorce was "spreading like a plague" through society, and lawyers should refuse to be part of the "evil". His comments came during an annual meeting with Vatican magistrates. "Lawyers, who work freely, should always decline to use their professions for an end that is contrary to justice, like divorce," the Pope said. "Marriage is indissoluble... it doesn't make any sense to talk about the 'imposition' of human law, because it should reflect and protect natural and divine law." 'Not a private choice' The indissolubility of marriage was not a "simple private choice", but one of the fundamentals of all society, he added. The Pope said Catholic lawyers should not even try to help non-Catholics obtain a divorce. And he said magistrates should also try to prevent divorce, although he acknowledged that this would be more difficult, as they could not be "conscientious objectors" refusing to hear cases. "Those working in civil law cases should avoid being personally involved in what could be understood as co-operating in divorce... they should look for effective measures to favour marriage, above all mediating conciliation," he said. It is thought to be the first time the Pope has urged lawyers to wash their hands of divorce. Lawyers and some politicians reacted with anger. 'Freedom of choice' "Lawyers should be free to work with the laws of the state," UK family law specialist Denise Lester told BBC News Online, stressing that lawyers already worked to promote reconciliation where possible. "This is a multi-ethnic society where divorce is legal, and lawyers, as servants of the community, should be able to able to carry out their work. "The Pope's comments could have an impact on freedom of choice for both lawyers and their clients." Italian divorce lawyer Cesare Rimini told Italy's ANSA news agency: "The laws of the state do not interfere in the laws of the Church, so it would be right if the Church did not interfere in the realm of judges and lawyers." Italian right-winger Alessandra Mussolini, grand-daughter of fascist dictator Benito Mussolini, attacked the idea of saving marriage at all costs. "Divorce, at times, is a salvation because it interrupts a spiral of hate and terror even for children," she said.

Impact

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