JAR JAR BINKS DIES AT THE MOVIES


In dis-honor of the fact that, despite ardent protests, Jar Jar Binks appeared in Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones - albeit in a smaller role than in Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace - I have concocted a new way for Jar Jar bashers to express their loathing of that obnoxious little space basset. We've all seen movies, and in many of them characters perish in rather horrible ways. Some of my friends, when they see such a scene, imagine that the one dying is someone whom they really hate. Here is a list of movie scenes that otter include the despised gungan.

3:10 to Yuma: In the scene where Wade kills Tucker with a fork, they should replace Tucker with Jar Jar. (Thanks, Zachary.)

The Abominable Dr. Phibes:
  1. Eaten alive by hungry bats
  2. Chewed up by rats while he tries to fly a plane (or maybe a pod racer?)
  3. Dr. Phibes puts the killer frog mask on him
  4. Drained of blood
  5. He, instead of Vulnavia, falls under the acid
(Thanks, Nancy, for the above.)

Alien: Jar Jar gets infested with a Chest Burster. (Thanks, Jimmy.)

Ben-Hur: Plays the part of Massala in the chariot race.

Braveheart: Swap Jar Jar for Mel Gibson just before the execution scene.

Cobra: Impaled on a meat hook and dragged into a furnace. (Thanks, Brian.)

Damien: Omen II: Jar Jar gets trapped in the elevator and chopped in two by the falling machinery.

Or, the Satanic raven blinds him and he walks into the path of the truck. (Thanks, Rhonda.)

The Dark Knight: Substitute Jar Jar for Rachel just before the police enter the building where she is held captive and cause it to blow up.

Dawn of the Dead: When the zombies invade the shopping center, they find a tasty gungan within.

Or, Jar Jar is mistaken for a zombie and gets his head blown right off at the start of the movie. (Thanks, Mario.)

Death Race 2000: Jar Jar is the navigator for one of the doomed drivers. Or one of the "scores." (New Rule: Gungans are worth 500 points!) (Thanks, Don.)

Dr. Phibes Rises Again: Either (a) put on the scorpion chair or (b) heart torn out by the eagle. (Thanks, Jimmy.)

Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb: Have Jar Jar stand in for Slim Pickens when he rides the bomb. (Thanks, Carmichael.)

Dusk till Dawn: Jar Jar is an unlucky bar patron.

Gladiator: Set up Jar Jar to fight Maximus, shortly after telling Maximus that Jar Jar led the men who killed his family.

The Godfather: Jar Jar gets pumped full of lead in the toll booth ambush.

Alternatively, have Jar Jar's head in the bed instead of Khartoum's. (Thanks, Richard.)

Goldfinger: Asphyxiated by the gold paint. (Thanks, Rhonda.)

The Happening: Gets infected by the suicide-causing virus, and chooses one of the nastier ways to die (giant lawn mower, eaten by the zoo lions, etc.)

Independence Day: Jar Jar gets blasted by one of those huge cannons the alien ships have. (Thanks, Mario.)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Carried off and eaten by the Siafu ants.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: Heart cut out and lowered into the molten lava. (Thanks, Jeb.)

Jaws: Jar Jar becomes Purina Shark Chow, gungan flavor.

Jurassic Park: Becomes dinner for the Velociraptors.

The Last of the Mohicans: Jar Jar is the one whom the Indians burn, except he doesn't get mercifully shot.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King: Jar Jar snatches the Ring from Gollum and throws it into the fires of Mount Doom, only to be thrown into the fires himself by a very angry, vengeful Gollum. (Thanks, Steph.)

Manhunter: Strapped to a wheelchair, set on fire, and rolled down a parking lot ramp. (Thanks, Brian.)

The Mission: The natives crucify Jar Jar instead of the Jesuit and toss him over the waterfall. (Thanks, Don.)

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: Jar Jar would be substituted for the Black Knight, having each and every one of his extremities painfully sliced off. He would then hop around like a fool (at which point he would be merely torso) and have his eyes gouged out, eventually dying an excruciating death from major blood loss. (Thanks, Cherripye.)

North by Northwest: Jar Jar falls off Mount Rushmore. (Thanks, Isa.)

The Omen: (a) Impaled by the lightning rod (b) Decapitated by flying glass. (Thanks, Andrew, for both.)

Predator: Jar Jar gets his spine ripped out after being killed by the Predator. (Thanks, Mario.)

Psycho: Jar Jar gets stabbed in the shower. (Thanks, Isa.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark: Jar Jar, instead of Belloq, opens the Lost Ark. (Thanks, Carmichael.)

You know the part where Indiana Jones is being chased by the huge rock at the beginning of the movie? Put in Jar Jar and he trips on something and gets flattened! (Thanks, Mario.)

Rollerball: Put him on any team. He'll die a nasty death in minutes. (Thanks, Don.)

The Running Man: Put Jar Jar on the show. (Thanks, Jimmy.)

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Make six clones of him and then have them and the original portray the members of the Bugs Moran Gang. (Thanks, Carmichael.)

Saving Private Ryan: He could be any one of the soldiers who dies during the Omaha Beach landing. Take your pick.

The Silence of the Lambs: Jar Jar gets to guard Hannibal Lecter. (Thanks, Kevin.)

South Central: Jar Jar has to live with the characters. (Thanks, MasterBlaster.)

Soylent Green: Soylent Binks. (Thanks, Carmichael.)

Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country: Jar Jar is "accidentally" put inside the torpedo Spock and McCoy program to destroy the cloaked prototype Bird-of-Prey carrying General Chang who's quoting Shakespeare ad nauseum. (Thanks, Isa.)

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith: Anakin fries him to a crisp with Force lightning.

Star Wars IV: A New Hope: After Luke fires into the Death Star with his X-Wing fighter, you see an old Jar-Jar watching a control panel. He sneaks a look in both directions and thinks to himself "Whatsa this button for?" leaving the viewer to wonder if it was Luke or Jar-Jar who was responsible for destroying the Death Star.

Or, after the Jedi were killed and the Republic destroyed, he moved to Alderaan. (Thanks, Coy.)

Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back: Admiral Binks ticks off Darth Vader with his bungling. (Thanks, Rhonda.)

Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi: Jar Jar gets thrown into the Rancor pit. Or thrown to the Sarlacc. Take your pick. (Thanks, Rhonda.)

Starship Troopers: Send Jar Jar to fight the Bugs. (Thanks, Jimmy.)

Terminator 2: Judgment Day: Jar Jar drives the truck loaded with liquid nitrogen.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: Jar Jar gets transported to 2003 Los Angeles, where he is killed by the Terminatrix in a fight outside Kate Brewster's apartment. (Thanks, Steph.)

The Towering Inferno: Substituted for Richard Wagner in the 10-yard dash flambe, or jumps out of the window 60 stories up.

Tron: Jar Jar duels Tron in the ring game.

Troy: Swap Jar Jar for Hector. (Thanks, Steevo.)

The Untouchables: Elliot Ness mistakes Jar Jar for Frank Nitti and throws him off the roof of the courthouse while the "REAL" Nitti escapes through a bathroom window on the ground floor. (Thanks, Steph.)

Volcano: Rescues the subway driver and falls into the lava. (Thanks, Jeb.)

Let's see what ideas all of you other gungan gougers can come up with - and the worse, the better! Send them to me here! (Remove the 'x' from the front of the e-address - that is there to frustrate e-mail harvesting bots.) If you take the time to make a picture showing Jar Jar in some grisly movie scene, I will be very grateful - and will post it along with credit to you.

Thanks! And keep up the Binks bashing!

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