Dufus & Shirt…

…Go Potty At Memorabilia

Shirt had so enjoyed the previous year’s Memorabilia (save his being a crime victim – see CDS…Shops and Robbers), that he decided to make use of Dufus’ hospitality again. Promised were Doctors Six & Seven; Unbound Doctor (and forthcoming Steel) David Warner; mad Katy Manning; the beautiful Nicola Bryant; Dwarfers Craig Charles, Robert Llewellyn & Chris Barrie; Angela Bruce; Ingrid Pitt; as well as assorted “Star Wars” stars.

Against his better judgement, Shirt decided to give the London-Tamworth National Express Coach another chance. BAD MOVE !!

Taking no chances, Shirt decided to keep all his luggage with him and in sight.

‘What else could go wrong ?’, he though cheerfully.

Well, the driver could have no sense of direction !

Glancing out of the window, whilst experiencing the audio delights of “Caedroia”, Shirt noticed that they seemed to be taking a very long winding route across London.

‘He’s probably avoiding the rush hour traffic’, thought Shirt.

However, when the coach left the motorway at completely the wrong exit for Coventry Town Centre, he began to worry, particularly as the driver proceeded to get even more lost in Coventry than Dufus and Shirt had the previous year.

Pulling into Coventry Bus Station, Shirt felt a shiver run down his spine, as he found himself back at the scene of the previous year’s crime.

The coach all but emptied, with only four people left. The driver also seemed to be frantically trying to reach someone on his in-coach phone. However, eventually the coach pulled off.

Shirt decided to text Dufus to tell him that they were running late. However, it seemed that he was too late, Dufus had already left for the Tamworth “Bus Station”/row of bus stops. Glancing out of the window, Shirt was concerned to see a Church and Public House that they had passed ten minutes before. The coach then turned up what was clearly a residential road, motored along for a few hundred yards, then came to a dead-end, meaning that a thirty-three point turn had to be executed.

The driver clearly had no idea of how to get to the next stop, the four remaining passengers were all “strangers round here myself”, and a few minutes later the Pub and Church appeared for a third and fourth time in quick succession.

Finally, well over an hour late, the coach arrived at its anti-penultimate stop, one passenger got off, and the driver made a plea.

“Can you please phone friends on your mobiles and ask them how to get to Tamworth ?”

Dufus was contacted, where he was waiting impatiently in his car in central Tamworth. A quick glance at his map-book, and Shirt was given directions for the driver. However, another passenger had already given him some, and it seemed that they were already past the turn-off suggested by Dufus, the coach moving off before anyone had even keyed the numbers into their phones.

The coach continued on through the blackness, demonstrating the longest distance between two points. Meanwhile, Dufus waited in the cold, looking at his watch and wondering how much longer Shirt could be. Then to his delight, he saw a National Express Coach – but it sped straight past the turning for the bus station. Dufus ‘phoned Shirt.

“Was that your coach just sped past ?”

“Yes”, sighed Shirt, “Where’s the nearest roundabout to turn round ?”.

With a mixture of directions provided by Dufus and his standing on the corner waving his arms manically, the coach finally came to a stop at the Bus Station. Shirt and another passenger got off, wishing luck to the one woman left, who was going to Lichfield. (For all we know, she may still be on the coach, being driven round in circles trying to find Lichfield).

Having arrived at Tamworth (eventually), the two swiftly made their way to Dufus’ home, where with cans of Coke in hand, they watched Dufus’ “Daphne Ashbrook in the UK” DVD. Despite all three being at the signing, only Chalky appeared on screen, the filming of the queue beginning on him, and missing Dufus and Shirt who were in front of him out completely. They also laughed at the fan who had 457 different WHO signatures, before trying to work out how many they had (and trying to spot themselves in the queue behind him – again only Chalky was visible, the other two being behind a pillar). This news conveyed to Chalky by text, the two retired to their rooms for the night.

The next morning, after a full breakfast prepared by Dufus, Shirt helped Dufus get together his various covers, magazines and books for the various guests. With a brief detour for Dufus to pick up the latest issue of “The Carry On…Collection”, the two made their way to the ENC to the strains of the Beautiful South’s new album. Having negotiated the tricky layout of the car parks, and the parking ticket having been given to Shirt for safe-keeping, they boarded the coach to the exhibition halls, initially concerned that it had leather seats, a microwave and a TV, and that they’d end up halfway down the M6 before realising that they were on the wrong coach. However, it turned out to be the right coach, and a few minutes later were joining the gigantic queue for tickets. Their timing proved to be perfect, with them getting their tickets a mere 2 minutes after the doors opened for the main event. As with the previous year, people dressed as “Star Wars” characters were much in abundance.

Once again, the What Shop stall was in evidence a little way to the right of the entrance. However, as they approached the stall, glancing sideways to the “Carry On..” stall, Dufus gestured towards Angela Douglas who was sitting there, and whispered, “Isn’t that Doris ?”, waving his “Battlefield” cover, which he had taken out in readiness for Angela Bruce.

Shirt agreed that it was, inwardly cursing that he had not brought his “Battlefield” cover as he already had it signed by Angela Bruce.

Dufus was still unconvinced. However, luckily Angela Bruce was telling the fan currently getting her autograph on “Battlefield” that Ms. Douglas was in the story too. Dufus decided to meet Ms. Bruce first.

Buying a few items, and wanting to pay for Ms. Bruce’s signature by credit card, Dufus was engaged in conversation by Joseph C.

“My agent’s called – I’m up for a part in ‘Bangles’!”, he seemed to say.

Both Dufus and Shirt looked confused, visions of Susanna Hoffs flashing into their minds, but as he continued, it became clear that it was the popular prison-based drama, “Bad Girls” that he was talking about.

Small talk over with, Dufus moved over to Ms. Bruce’s signing table, and explaining that he’d already paid, got his cover and “The Eighties” signed. Picking up his items, he attempted to speak to Angela about her restaurant, having been informed by DesRes many years before that Ms. Bruce owned a restaurant in Epsom. This proved to be incorrect, but Angela had once managed the restaurant (along with a number of other establishments).

Dufus then moved to Ms. Douglas, who happily signed the cover and book, despite having no recollection of being in said story.

Regrouping, Dufus struggling not to drop all his items on the floor, it was decided to stride out to find the Punch Middle stand, where Sylvester, Katy, Craig & Robert would be. Having wandered up and down aisles, they finally found said stall. The deal with the WHO guests was buy an item, get a personal item signed. The stall was selling the updated version of the “Dalekmania” calendar, now featuring a shot of Chris & Billie from the new series, so both picked up a copy of this. Wanting two items from Sylvester, Dufus also picked up a print of Sylv, as well as one of Katy. Noticing that there was a “Buy 3, save £5” deal, Shirt got Dufus to buy his Katy print (saving them each £1.66 per print).

Katy was first, and all but snatched the cover and print offered by Dufus, in her excitement to sign them. Sylvester McCoy next to her was pretending to be engrossed in playing with a remote control Dalek. Shirt was worried that Dufus might bring up the “Katy incident”. His suspicions proved to be well grounded.

“You gave me my fifteen minutes of fame last time we met”, Dufus was saying.

“How’s that ?”, asked the mad one.

Dufus related the story of being on the video (see CDS…As Seen on Video) and as he finished, Katy shrieked and grabbed hold of him, crushing him in a bear hug.

Everyone managed to ignore this; Sylvester with his Dalek, Shirt with trying to get the cellophane off his calendar.

Dufus moved on, having been finally been released, and Shirt offered his print and “Plague Herds of Excelis”.

“Oh, Iris ! Nice to see you, chuck!”, trilled Katy in her mock Northern accent, before adding in her own voice, “That was Iris !”.

Shirt nodded, and smiled understandingly.

“Have you heard the last one ?”, Katy asked.

“The Colin one ? Yes”, replied Shirt, before nodding to Katy’s left, “Only one Doctor left”.

“He’s said he’ll never work with me !”, said Katy, presumably joking.

Sylvester just mumbled and went back to playing with his Dalek and signing Dufus’ print, “Zagreus” cover and “Noises Off” programme.

Moving on, having escaped Katy wanting to give him a bear hug, Shirt put down his calendar for Sylvester to sign. Sylv then spent about five minutes slowly flicking through it.

“Who’s that ?”, he asked about the photo for January.

“That’s Christopher Eccleston & Billie Piper….the new series!”, said Shirt, deciding not to mention that this image replaced one of Sylv with Doctors 3,5 & 6 and a Dalek that was in the original release.

Having finally finished looking at the calendar, he signed the cover next to the picture of himself, then scribbled his name on Shirt’s “Zagreus” cover.

Saying their goodbyes, the two moved round the corner, where only Robert Llewellyn was in evidence.

“We’ll come back later, Craig might have turned up by then”, said Shirt.

A brief discussion as to whether it was worth buying the DVD with the Starbug model for an extra £5 unresolved, they decided to look at some other stalls to try and find David, Colin, Nicola & Ingrid. This proved to be a long process, with many things identified that they would come back and get later – a “Battle For The Universe” game, various MDWs at the DWAS stall and a full set of Red Dwarf CORGI models (Red Dwarf, Starbug, Rimmer & Lister) for £8.95 – as well as a search for the Christmas 2003 issue of SFX which had a “Zagreus” poster. Dufus and Shirt both again partook of the Universe 10 Reeltime videos sale, with Dufus buying three and Shirt purchasing two.

90 minutes later, many “Star Wars” stars and sporting greats had been found, but not the required WHO-related guests, or the Seventh Galaxy stall.

Having identified the only part of the enormous hall that they had not visited, they made their way there, to find all the guests lined up in rows.

Moving a short distance away to sort out their covers, the two found themselves by a table offering Sally Geeson (from “Bless This House”) and Robert Ross, “Carry On” expert.

Shirt had a flash of inspiration.

“Wasn’t ‘Medicinal Purposes’ written by a ‘Carry On’ expert ?”

A quick rummage revealed that Mr. Ross was indeed the author of said Colin Baker romp. However, the man sitting next to Ms. Geeson only looked vaguely like the photo on the inside of the CD booklet. Dufus was undeterred, marching up and offering the man the cover, before being told that Robert had gone off for a wander and would be back soon.

Moving back round the corner to where Colin & Nicola were signing, Shirt was torn. Nicola had photos of her in the white “James Bond” bikini, but he had already spent quite a bit. Having realised that he only had one cover left without Nicola’s name on it, and given her regular appearances at Seventh Galaxy, he decided to shun her just this once. Similar logic was used for Colin, but Dufus ever the spendthrift, stepped up, paid his money and got Colin on his “HMS Pinafore” Souvenir Brochure.

Returning to the Robert Ross table, the man himself was there, and it seemed that Dufus and Shirt were the first people to get him to sign “Medicinal Purposes”, his many books on comedy legends, being on sale cheaply on the “Carry On” stall by the door. Ms. Geeson looked slightly put out that our friends did not want her signature.

Moving round the corner, they stumbled upon the Seventh Galaxy stall, which had a surprisingly small array of merchandise on it. Deciding to go back to the car for lunch, they left without purchasing anything further.

Passing Chris Barrie, it was agreed that they would return after lunch to meet him, their carrier-bags getting quite heavy. As they made their way to the exit, they passed the Punch Middle stand again, with Robert Llewellyn still on his own. A closer look at the notice, indicated that Craig Charles was ill, and so it was decided that they would buy the “Red Dwarf V” DVD then, so that it could be dropped off in Dufus’ car. Unlike Sylv and Katy, it seemed that a purchased item did not allow a personal item. Shirt prevaricated over buying a print of Kryten, before checking that personal items were allowed for £10, and deciding to purchase a photo of Kryten at one of the other stalls, to match his other signed “Red Dwarf” photos.

Robert happily signed both friends’ covers, then posed for a photo with each.

DVDs stowed in their bags, the two made their way to the exit, getting their hands stamped to allow readmission.

A few minutes later, the courtesy coach drew up at the appropriate car park, and videos, DVDs and covers, were safely stored in Dufus’ car boot. A few minutes after this, and the friends were back at the exhibition halls.

“I need to get some money out of the cashpoint”, said Dufus.

“Fine”, said Shirt.

However, the most obvious cashpoint proved to be out-of-order. Centre Reception told the friends that the nearest cashpoint in the Centre was ¾ miles away, up an escalator, along a travellator, then down another escalator. Following these instructions, ten minutes later the friends found themselves at the cashpoint that they had used the previous year. As Dufus got his money out, Shirt pointed to a sign –

“Look, there’s also a cashpoint in the Station”

“What, the Station just next to the entrance to the exhibition hall for ‘Memorabilia’?”, asked Dufus.

“Yes, the one only two minutes from the out-of-order one !”

Ten minutes later they were back at the Memorabilia exhibition hall, and showing their stamped hands, wandered back in.

Finding a food outlet that sold anything that either of them wanted or that wasn’t prohibitively expensive difficult, they finally settled on a Breakfast Bun containing bacon, mushrooms & tomato, which they both drenched in tomato ketchup, having found an empty table.

After a brief detour to the facilities (using the ones over the other side of the hall, rather than the ones a few steps away that they had missed), the two came up with a plan of action. Dufus wanted Chris Barrie’s signature, but had decided that Ingrid Pitt looked too scary and David Warner at £15 was too expensive (particularly as he just wanted his “Sympathy for the Devil” personalised). Shirt also wanted Mr. Barrie, as well as Mr. Llewellyn again, having now purchased a photo of Kryten for £1 at another stall.

On the way, Dufus realised that he had forgotten to have his photo taken with Angela Bruce, so after a quick word with Joseph C, he posed for a photo with her, taken by Shirt.

Continuing on, Shirt got his photo signed by Robert, then both carried on to the queue for Chris Barrie.

Dufus was first, with his stated request of “A photo and an autograph”, confusing the woman taking the money, until Shirt explained that by “an autograph” he meant a “personal item”, namely his Red Dwarf DVD cover, as well as the autograph on the photo. Chris duly obliged, then posed for a photo taken by Shirt. Shirt’s “Red Dwarf IV” DVD cover signed, the two decided to go and buy items identified earlier.

However, once again their senses of direction failed them and they found themselves unable to find the stalls selling the “Battle for the Universe” game or the DWAS stand with the MDWs, but did both purchase the CORGI “Red Dwarf” miniatures. Managing to lose each other several times, they finally met up again. Dufus had failed to find the game (or two others that were slightly more expensive, seen on another stall), but Shirt had found the DWAS stall, and purchased 8 MDWs for £2, hoping that he hadn’t already got any of them, as he had left his list at Dufus’. The Christmas 2003 SFX was also a no-show.

Shirt then began umming-and-ahhing about Talking Tom Bakers for £18 (which he had seen on his travels, but could not find again), and was just in the process of trying to ring Chalky to see if he wanted to buy him one for Christmas, when the announcement that the event was closed came over the tannoy, and everyone was herded to the exits.

The queues for the buses being so long, Dufus and Shirt decided to walk back to the car, the frequent signs meaning that even they couldn’t get lost. Merchandise again deposited in Dufus’ car boot, the two wended their way back to Dufus’ home, to the strains of the Beautiful South’s interpretation of the S-Club classic “Don’t Stop Moving”.

The evening was spent, watching Channel 4’s “The Ultimate Film”, and partaking of the delights of Dufus’ world-famous Curry.

The next day, the plan was to go location spotting, namely Gladstone Pottery Museum, otherwise known as the Fantasy Factory in Colin Baker’s final 50 minutes “The Ultimate Foe”. Due to a late night, the two slept late, and then they had to watch “The Ultimate Foe” in order to recognise locations when they got there.

Finally at 12.30pm, with Shirt navigating, they were off. Trying to avoid the M6 Toll proved to be difficult given the two friends’ inability to understand road signs, but with a few detours, they finally made it to the M6 North, and zoomed along to Junction 15, where signs were supposed to point them in the right direction. Having taken the wrong turning from the A500, the two were concerned until signs to the Museum appeared, taking them back a different way, but to the right destination.

Pulling into the car park, and noting that they needed a token to exit, the two ate a late lunch in Dufus’ car.

This completed, Shirt decided to take a photo of the infamous Bottle Kilns from outside. However, due to the power-guzzling nature of his digital camera, none of the batteries that he had with him had enough power to make it work for one photo. They would therefore be reliant on Dufus’ camera.

Moving round the corner, the two found the entrance, and move to the pay-desk, noticing that all demonstrations and activities seemed to end at 4.45pm. Entrance fee paid, and maps of site taken, they move into a darkened room where Dufus watched a video on the Museum and Shirt tried to make his camera work. Leaving the video room, they found themselves in the courtyard, where for ten minutes they walked around comparing the buildings with small screen-captures downloaded from the internet. It was finally agreed which building was the Fantasy Factory, where the Master’s TARDIS materialised, and where the water barrel with the hands was. Photos taken of the various parts of the courtyard (with Dufus doing his best Michael Jayston impression on the small balcony), they moved into the Engine Room to see where the Valeyard has set up the megabyte-modem. Having taken several photos and argued which doors the modem had been behind, both gave their best interpretation of Pip & Jane Baker’s finest - “catharsis of spurious morality”.

Returning to the courtyard, and deciding to visit the 1910 Office, which had been occupied by both Mr. Popplewicks later, they followed the given trail around the Museum, learning all about Sagger Maker's Bottom Knockers (ooer missus!)

Sliding a door marked “Workshop”, the two found a demonstration of using a potter’s wheel. Two children were just finishing having a go, and so Dufus and Shirt decided to give it a try, not being particularly confident about the probable outcome of their efforts. Having rolled up their sleeves, and tied up each other’s aprons, both stood in front of a wheel, following every instruction given by the demonstrator. Now at this point, I would love to say that it all went pear-shaped, like the sixty-million times they did it on the Generation Game. However, the truth is that both, under close instruction, managed to make pots that looked quite professional, that curved in the right places. Having completed their masterpieces, they were put in boxes, and the friends were told that they would be left by the exit for them.

Moving on, both decided to forego making a pottery flower, and wandered around the outside of the kilns as directed on the map. At the top of another flight of stairs, they found a room in which you could paint pottery figures. Both choosing a gnome, they carefully covered them with poster paint. Shirt’s intention was to make a commemorative Sixth Doctor gnome, but after the yellow and black trousers, green shoes and orange spats, found the multi-coloured coat too difficult (the gnome ending up with a multi-coloured hat instead). Dufus went for a more standard (and less anally-retentive) colour scheme. [See below, along with pots in their boxes]

The time getting on, the two decided to make for the 1910 Office. However, as they passed through the exhibition leading to it, a woman in a bonnet hurried past them. Reaching the door labelled 1910 Office, they found it locked. Retracing their steps to reception, it seemed that the Office closes at 4.30pm (the time being 4.35pm) due to it leading to the Museum Tea Shop which also closes at this time. Staff were unwilling to reopen it, not even for two sad “Doctor Who” fans. Deciding to forego the exciting exhibition of lavatories (the amusingly titled “Flushed with Pride”) that filled the building better known as the Fantasy Factory, the two picked up their pots from by the exit and returned to Dufus’ car, briefly stopping to attempt to take a photo of the now dark courtyard which it look more like it had in the programme (needless to say, it didn’t come out). Dufus then had a brainwave, in seven months time when it is his birthday, he could drag Chalky & Tigger (as well as Shirt again) to the Museum, so that they could finally see the Popplewicks’ office.

The journey back to Dufus’ was uneventful. The evening was spent watching the second part of “The Ultimate Film” and in partaking of a prawn dish prepared by Dufus. An early night was had, and as the previous year, Shirt was dropped off at the bus station by Dufus on his way to work, and due to the coach driver knowing where he was going, wended his way home in record time.

[PL]