Shirt…

...Visits a Vila

MICHAEL	SHIRT	HONOR

After the fun and excitement of Collectormania III (see C,D,S&T….The Doctor Will See You Now), Shirt was keen to again partake of the delights of a crowded Milton Keynes shopping centre, particularly as Michael Keating (his favourite "Blake's 7" actor), Honor Blackman (Vervoid creator), and three Hobbits in the form of Dominic Monaghan, Sean Astin & Elijah Wood, were going to be there. Returning from the delights of a two-week "Planet of Fire" location-spotting holiday to Lanzarote, Shirt found Chalky & Tigger not keen on the prospect of the jaunt, and Dufus "having other things to do". Therefore, it was only Shirt who made his way to Victoria Coach Station in the early hours of a Sunday morning, despite the best attempts of South West Trains to foil him. Catching the coach by the skin of his teeth, Shirt sat back and enjoyed the 'laugh-a-minute' Large Endings' Professor Bernice Summerfield audio, "The Draconian Rage".

Arriving at the coachway on time (9.50am), Shirt joined the short queue for the park-and-ride bus, thinking that as the bus only took ten minutes, he would be in the centre just after the event's 10am start. Time dragged on, with the queue getting longer and longer. Finally, someone decided to check the timetable, which revealed that on Sundays, the first bus is at 10.35am. Not to worry, it's not as if anyone would sell out in that 35 minute period. The queue seemed to be composed almost entirely of LOTR fans (who were comparing which LOTR signatures they already had) due to this being the first day the Hobbits were at the event (and the only non-work day). Shirt also found himself in front of two "Co-Dependants Anonymous" members, who spent the entire half-hour moving from demonstrating non-existent self-esteem to reassuring the other on topics including lying about their age, their usage of online discussion boards, the girl's medication, and the possibility of the man dressing as Frank N. Furter at Page's Sci-Fi Bar.

In the nick of time, the bus arrived (five minutes early) and Shirt managed to sit as far away from the CDA members as he could, squashed in the back row seat with three spotty adolescents who were transfixed by the tartan-skirt-covered bottom of the girl standing in front of them with a group of her friends. The bus managed to pick up not even a quarter of the queue, who had taken the organisers' advice to park in the Park & Ride. The bus lumbered off, and ten minutes later, pulled up outside the shopping centre. The first three signing tables to the right inside the door proved to be Mr. Keating and Messrs. Wood & Monaghan. A large and slightly angry crowd was gathered round the area where the queues for the two young Hobbits were, and so Shirt moved over there. A very harassed-looking steward was telling the crowd that all 1,000 tickets for both Hobbits had been given out by 8.30am, and that there was therefore no chance of meeting them. Shirt made a quick getaway before the rather large man who had been close to him in the queue (and who owned the spotty adolescents), and who had come especially for the Hobbits found this out.

Moving on round the centre, Shirt was unsurprised that Sean Astin was also sold out, but was surprised that tickets for Andy (Gollum) Serkis were still available. The lesser LOTR guests also seemed to be benefitting from the lack of access to the Hobbits, with longer queues than Shirt had expected. Passing the other booths, Shirt returned to Michael Keating's table which had a small queue (but not long enough for it to be necessary to give out tickets), and joined the queue. An organiser of the "Cult TV" festival, which was to take place the next weekend, attempted to get Shirt to explain why he wasn't going, but gave up after several "ums" and "ers". Shirt was chatting to several Blake 7 fans, some of which he recognised from Seventh Galaxy signings, when suddenly out of nowhere, IT errupted.

A tidal wave of some 150 teenage girls, suddenly crashed through the queue, screaming at an ear-shattering level. Following their gazes, Shirt saw the reason - a security guard ushering the tiny figure of Elijah Wood to the toilet. Shirt was struck by actually how small Mr. Wood was, and by the ineffectual efforts of the security guard at shooing the girls away. A few seconds later, with Mr. Wood taken through a side-door, the girls, many of them crying, ambled back to the area where the signings were taking place, murmuring about the attractiveness of Mr. Frodo. The sea of hormones having subsided, the queue moved quickly, and soon Shirt was paying for two autographs and was standing in front of Mr. Keating.

Michael confided that he had not done a signing event for many years, and that he tries not to appear too often (who can he mean?). He signed Shirt's Programme Guide, and "City at the Edge of the World" cover, with a smile, then posed for Shirt to take a picture. Picking up his items, and thanking Michael, Shirt moved away from the table to look at a display of models, including the original Liberator and London. Having had a quick look at Mat Irvine's stall, Shirt moved back to the main signing area, taking a ticket for Honor Blackman, then wandering round the stalls for half-an-hour. Finding nothing that he wanted to buy, save three small publicity photos featuring either Colin Baker or Nicola Bryant, and laughing at the masses of female LOTR fans dressed as their favourite male characters, including an Aragorn whose beard Shirt initially took to be a chocolate stain round the young lady’s mouth, Shirt returned to the queue (passing the young lady dressed as Lara Croft experienced by the gang on their last jaunt to Milton Keynes), where he was now allowed to join.

The queue moved quickly, and soon Shirt was paying for one autograph. The steward told him that he could have a photo of Ms. Blackman, but not get it signed if he wanted a personal item. Shirt therefore picked an "Avengers" shot. Glancing over to the signing tables, Shirt noticed Toby Jones, who provided the voice of Dobby the house-elf in the film of "Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets", and realised that it was the third star of "The Play What I Wrote" (with Sean Foley & Hamish McColl), which he had seen with Chalky and Tigger (see C,S&T….Went In Two By Two). Just then the man in front, whom Shirt recognised from Seventh Galaxy signings, asked if Shirt could take his photo with Honor. Shirt obliged (with some difficulty), and the man agreed to return the favour. Offering his "Trial" cardboard sleeve, Shirt moved forward to meet Ms. Blackman. Smiling (Honor was satisfied), she signed the bottom of the box, and then joined Shirt sitting on the flimsy signing table (which gave some worrying creaking sounds), whilst their picture was taken. Thanking her again, retrieving his items and camera, and with a promise to look out for his new friend at the next Seventh Galaxy signing, Shirt disappeared back into the stalls.

Looking at his watch, Shirt noticed that it was now 12.30pm. Aware that he was not booked on a coach back until 4.35pm, he went round the stalls again, this time purchasing the "Red Dwarf - Series II" DVD for £10. The time now being 1pm, Shirt made off in the direction of Marks and Spencers', where he bought some lunch. Wandering around the shops in the centre took the time to 2.30pm, and so Shirt returned to the main signing area, where all queues were still inexplicably long (presumably disgruntled LOTR fans wanting to get something out of the day). The queues for all Harry Potter guests and Corey Feldman being too long for it to be worth taking a ticket, Shirt decided to sit down on a nearby bench, and watch young girls giggling about Christian Coulson (Tom Riddle in "HP&CoS").

At 3pm, Shirt decided to explore the sights of Milton Keynes, and found himself at X-Scape, a centre comprising ten-pin bowling, climbing, cinema, video games, and a real snow ski slope similar to that close to Dufus’ home. All sporting activities had viewing areas and so Shirt spent the next hour watching people bowl, fall over, and find a fear of heights. Glancing at his watch, Shirt realised it was 4.05pm, and that he would need to hurry to catch his coach. Catching the Park & Ride bus with seconds to spare, he managed to arrive at the coachway with five minutes to spare, and by 4.40pm, he was on his way back to London, listening to the delights of Savage Garden, Divine Comedy and S Club 7 on his CD walkman. 'It had been a day of mixed blessings, and at least he had met at least one person he had intended to, unlike a plethora of LOTR fans', he thought as he wended his way home.

[PL]