Chalky, Dufus, Shirt, and Tigger…

... The Doctor Will See You Now

CHALKY	PAUL	JOHN	DUFUS	ANDY	SAMANTHA	ALAN	SHIRT	VIRGINIA	MIKE	TIGGER

Rumours were flying around the internet that the shy Doctor would be making an appearance at an event in Milton Keynes. Keen to complete the set of surviving Doctors, a trip was mooted, particularly as Milton Keynes was halfway between London & Tamworth. Chalky was unconvinced, repeating "I don't believe he'll turn up !" over and over again. Shirt however, was more hopeful, and constantly rechecked the website to see if Mr. McGann’s name had dropped off the list.

The day of the event dawned, and due to the presence of Virginia Hey from “Farscape”, Tigger decided to join Chalky and Shirt on the journey up to Milton Keynes. The usual slightly delayed start overcome, and the three were soon speeding their way towards the M1, trying to ignore Chalky’s continually jumping radio. Just after they had started, Dufus ‘phoned Shirt’s mobile to inform them that he too had had a late start, agreeing to keep in touch Shirt hung up. Chalky’s car was making wonderful time, so Shirt decided to tempt fate by mentioning this. As if in answer to this, the car reached the M1, and found itself in a very long queue. Luckily however, this seemed to be due to some temporary roadworks, and twenty minutes later they were again speeding on their way. Dufus, however, was making better time, and as the other three searched for the appropriate exit from the motorway, ‘phoned to ask where they were.

“See you in 10 minutes !”, said Shirt crossing his fingers.

In fact it was fifteen minutes later that Chalky’s car pulled into Milton Keynes Coachway Park-and-Ride. Dufus waved manically, signalling a bus about to leave the stop. However, Shirt was keen to transfer his belongings to Dufus’ car first (as he was spending the weekend – see CDS...Make a Welsh Exhibition of Themselves ), and so they missed that one. Joining a queue, which seemed to be made up of young girls with short (almost Hobbitesque haircuts), they waited for the next bus, which arrived ten minutes later. Stepping onto the bus, the lead girl gestured expansively, ordering “Take me to Billy Boyd !”. Our four friends stifled giggles but then remembered why they had travelled all this way. Dufus was worried that they might miss the stop, until Chalky suggested that they “follow the Hobbits” (as it turned out at the appropriate stop, the bus emptied).

Striding purposefully into the Centre, the friends wandered aimlessly around the Centre looking for the guests, finally finding the main signing area and most importantly Mr. McGann. The three boys all took a ticket, and realising that it would be a long wait, decided to browse the large number of stalls. Saying hello to Hamble & Big Ted from Seventh Galaxy, the four searched for bargains. Dufus took advantage of the complete series of the modern vampire series “Ultraviolet” on two videos for £6, whilst Tigger plugged some gaps in her Disney video collection. Tigger then spent about ten minutes umming-and-ahhing about the complete “Farscape” collection on video for a bargainous price, whilst Shirt decided whether to also purchase the aforementioned “Ultraviolet” (mainly because it had Susannah Harker in it). Both decided to let these once-in-a-lifetime offers slip them by.

With the McGann ticket numbers still being much lower than our friends’, more stalls were plundered, and Shirt came across a guest all on his own – Mike Edmonds (“Jedi” Ewok and Og from “Time Bandits”) – offering his signature for the low price of £5. Both Chalky and Shirt got their “Time Bandits” DVD covers signed by Mike, and then had their picture taken with him. Whilst they were leaving, Shirt noticed another role highlighted on the poster above him.

“Damn, he’s Little Ron from ‘Maid Marian’ !”, he cursed, not having brought his ‘MM’ video covers with him.

However, he soon cheered up when a girl walked past dressed in a skintight Lara Croft costume (for no discernable reason). This cheerfulness increased when over the tannoy, he heard the next block of tickets for Paul McGann being called out, the friends’ numbers being among them.

Moving back to the main signing area, the four joined the queue for the Eighth Doctor. Mr. McGann was charging more than anyone else at the event (£20 per signature), and reaching the marshal’s desk, Chalky and Shirt paid for one signature, whilst Dufus got two. Dufus was first to meet the great man, chatting animatedly to Paul as his TVM and LE Audio covers were signed. A quick pose for a photo with Mr. McGann, taken by Tigger, and the audience was over. This was repeated for Chalky and Shirt, and all too quickly the three were moving away, discussing what a nice man Mr. McGann is.

The main excitement over, it was decided that the friends would seek out a place for lunch. Firstly, however, Shirt led them on a slight detour to pick up two tickets (one for him and one for Dufus) for John Rhys-Davies, and one for ‘precious’ Andy Serkis. Unfortunately, it seemed that Billy Boyd was sold out. The four friends then wandered aimlessly around the Centre looking for somewhere to eat, noticing as they passed one signing area that the table beneath the sign for Leslie (Jonny Briggs’ dad/Calib in ‘Face of Evil’) Schofield was worryingly empty. Eventually they found a Centre map, which they all pored over.

"This map should have a 'You Are Here' symbol", Shirt mused loudly after a few seconds.

"Like that one ?", asked a passer-by, jabbing the large red 'You Are Here' symbol.

Tigger attempted to break the tension.

“Let’s have lunch at ‘Pizza Hut’ ”, she suggested, indicating it on the map.

However, it seemed that everyone else had had this idea, as reaching said restaurant, they were confronted with a queue as long as most of the ones for celebrities.

They therefore, retired to a nearby Marks & Spencers’, where they purchased sandwiches, which they ate on a bench outside the Centre facing some erotic statues (Dufus picked the bench).

Lunch completed, the four returned to the main signing area, where Leslie Schofield’s table was now occupied. However, not by Leslie Schofield. The small sign on the table indicated that it was an Ewok from “Return of the Jedi”. However, the queue for Virginia Hey was surprisingly short, so Chalky and Tigger joined it and were quickly at the front. Ms Hey was in a good mood, happily signing items and posing for photos. However, this good mood was shattered when the person in front of Chalky and Tigger “accidentally” left without paying for their signatures.

“Oi, come back, you haven’t paid”, shouted Ms. Hey to no avail.

However, she quickly cheered up, signing a photo for Tigger, and posing for a photo with both of them, whilst Dufus struggled to work his camera.

Whilst Chalky and Tigger were waiting to meet Ms. Hey, Shirt had decided to make use of the opportunity to meet Warwick Davies. Proffering his "Star Wars" boxset and "Willow" video cover, which were signed happily by Mr. Davies, Shirt left to rejoin Dufus, aware that for a photo he would have to kneel down (as when he met Nabil Shaban), and was keen not to draw attention to himself and Warwick, aware that most of the others having photos were children, and therefore of comparable height. After a brief break for Chalky to have his photo taken with the car from "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets", the friends split up into two groups, with Chalky and Tigger going off to do some shopping, and Dufus and Shirt going to see if their numbers had come up with John Rhys-Davies or Andy Serkis.

Both guests were progressing slowly, and Dufus and Shirt were told that they would have to wait at least another hour for each. After a brief detour for Shirt to get his "Star Wars" boxset signed by Mike Edmonds, the two went to see how long a queue there was for current Miss Moneypenny, and another of Shirt's favourite female actresses (ie. any slightly attractive woman), Samantha Bond. The queue was non-existent, so Shirt made his way to the table of photographs, choosing the one of Samantha looking stern, and moved over to the signing table. However, it was not until after he had met her that Shirt found that she was about to take a break and had been promised a brief respite from autograph hunters.

Her manner therefore was slightly terse (just as Shirt likes it), but she managed to smile as she signed the photo to Shirt, who found himself too overwhelmed to say anything other than "Thanks". Dufus (who had Shirt's bag [and camera]) being nowhere near the signing table, Shirt returned without a photo with his momentary object of desire. Finding Dufus again, and having wasted all of five minutes, they decided to wander round the market outside, making no purchases, but seeing a naughty nurse's outfit that they decided to bring to Chalky and Tigger's attention when they met up again. Meanwhile, Chalky & Tigger, were stocking up on shopping for Tigger’s home (and Chalky’s weekend retreat)

The four met up again by the table with Leslie Schofield's name on it, which was still worryingly Leslie-free, but which still had "third Ewok from the left" sitting at it. A quick question to the nearby information table revealed that although he had agreed to attend, Mr. Schofield had not turned up that morning. Slightly disappointed, the four returned to the main signing area, where Dufus managed to persuade the woman running the John Rhys-Davies queue to let him and Shirt in in the next batch. Sitting down to wait, the friends were very nearly crime victims, with Shirt's bag containing his entire collection of McGann covers and priceless signed Samantha Bond photo, being eyed up by a nearby young offender, until this was pointed out by a helpful passer-by, causing the potential thief to slouch off in disgust.

Holding all their property securely, Dufus and Shirt joined the queue for John Rhys-Davies. As they approached the front, and watched Mr. Rhys-Davies pose for photos with anyone standing near him, Shirt gave Dufus his copy of the "Fellowship of the Ring" DVD.

"Now remember I want it signed to Shirt. Not Dufus…or ChalShirt !", he said.

Dufus just pretended he hadn't heard.

Shirt was the first to meet Mr. Rhys-Davies, and paying for himself and Dufus, he gave the great man his "Lost World/Return to the Lost World" video cover to sign. The gentle giant seemed glad to sign something that wasn't "LOTR"-related, and stated how much he had enjoyed the role.

"Well, you're the perfect choice for Professor Challenger !", said Shirt, only realising a few seconds later that he had just called one of his heroes - small, fat and bearded, with a temper problem.

Luckily, he just laughed at this, agreeing with Shirt, before asking,

"Do you want a photo with me ?"

Shirt quickly nodded assent, and John stood up, coming round to the front of the table, putting his arm round Shirt, whilst Dufus took a photo.

"His turn", said John gesturing to Dufus. The two swapped places, and Shirt took a photo of Dufus and the great man.

John returned to his seat, and happily signed the DVD offered by Dufus "To Shirt", without a comment on the fact that he had the same name as his friend.

Dufus and Shirt returned to the other two, annoyed at the lack of people now queuing for Mr. McGann. Chalky also decided that he wanted to meet Alan Ruck (Cameron from one of the group's all time favourite films - "Ferris Bueller's Day Off).

So with Dufus in tow to take his picture, he wandered off to join the almost non-existent queue for Mr. Ruck. Alan was pleased to see them, as it seemed that he had had a slow afternoon, and happily signed Chalky’s “FBDO” video cover, before posing for photos with both Chalky and Dufus, despite the fact that Dufus hadn’t paid to get an item signed.

The four together again, it was agreed that they would again go off in pairs, with Chalky and Tigger doing some more shopping, and Dufus accompanying Shirt who was hopeful of meeting. Despite being the biggest "LOTR" fan of the four, Dufus had not seen "The Two Towers" and so was not as keen to meet Mr. Serkis. Arriving at the milling crowd by the roped-off area where Billy Boyd and Andy Serkis were signing, Shirt was optimistic, as the attendant was calling out numbers only twenty below his. However, the wait became interminable, as person after person arrived over an hour late for their ticket number and were let in ahead of Shirt. Finally, with just under forty-five minutes of the signing left, Shirt managed to join the Gollum queue, picking up a publicity photo on the way.

Dufus meanwhile was slumped against a wall of the Centre, looking drunk rather than bored, babysitting Shirt's bag from any would-be thieves. The queue was moving slowly and Shirt found himself becoming increasingly annoyed by the children of the family in front of him, as they discussed "X-Men 2" that one of them had seen the day before, and that they were all to see (for some again) that evening, as well as "LOTR". However, more annoying was their mother who droned on and on to anyone who would listen, that it wasn't fair that the children couldn't meet Billy Boyd due to his popularity, especially as it was the birthday of one of them the next day ("Oh, yes ?", thought Shirt). Finally, an attendant agreed to let them in first thing the next day without them having to queue.

Meanwhile, said Billy Boyd was walking up and down his queue, posing for photographs with fans, in an attempt to make the process quicker, as he wouldn't need to keep standing up or sitting down. Shirt was reaching the front, in fact the only people in front of him were a woman in a wheelchair and the "family from hell". Unfortunately, the brief respite from the mother's moaning was violently shattered, when the woman in the wheelchair managed to blatantly use her disability to get her item signed not only by Andy but by Billy Boyd as well (without further payment or queuing). The mother was not happy when she was told in subtler terms that such exceptions are made for the disabled, but not for (nearly) birthday boys. Finally the family moved away grumbling and Billy-Boyd-less.

Shirt then rambled on to Andy as he signed the photo, about how much he had enjoyed his performance in "The Two Towers" and how he was "robbed" of a Best Supporting Actor nomination, whilst Mr. Serkis smiled indulgently. Thrusting his camera at the man behind him, Shirt posed for a quick photo, and signed photo and camera in hand, he returned to Dufus.

At this moment, Dufus' mobile rang, and as luck would have it, Chalky & Tigger had completed their shopping, and were ready to go. Leaving the Centre via a couple more shops, including Woolworths where Shirt managed to give a shop assistant an electric shock, the four made their way to the nearby Sainsbury's to purchase items for their respective evening meals. Dufus and Shirt managed this in record quick time, and therefore bade farewell at the supermarket, eventually finding the correct bus stop to take them back to Dufus' car, from where they could return to Birmingham, to prepare for their grand expedition the next day (see CDS...Make a Welsh Exhibition of Themselves ).

The two cars wended their ways in opposite directions, Chalky and Tigger revelling in the delights of Chalky’s jumping radio, and Dufus and Shirt in the India Fisher radio play – “Committed to Paper”. However, the conversation shared a common theme –

TIGGER (to Chalky) – “I should have bought those ‘Farscape’ videos !”

SHIRT (to Dufus) – “I should have bought those ‘Ultraviolet’ videos !”

However, what both cars agreed with was that it had been an enjoyable (if expensive) day, and that Paul McGann’s a lovely chap !

[PL]