Dufus & Shirt…

...Make A Welsh Exhibition of Themselves

Having left Chalky and Tigger to return to London, following their meeting of the current Doctor, Mr. McGann (see C,D,S&T….The Doctor Will See You Now), Dufus and Shirt returned to Dufus' car, and were soon speeding towards Dufus' home in the Midlands (Dufus not disputing that Tamworth is in the Midlands). The journey was uneventful, spent as it was listening to the dulcet tones of India Fisher in a Radio 4 play, and Shirt was surprised how quickly it was (shorter than the journey from London to Milton Keynes that morning) that Dufus was parking his car half on the pavement, and that he found himself struggling to carry his luggage the short distance to Dufus' home. Dumping his stuff in a corner, Shirt sat down on the sofa, opened Dufus' Cable TV Guide, and began flicking between the channels.

"Great, 'Robot' is on UK Gold tonight", said Shirt, digging into his bag and producing one of the blank videos that he had brought with him for just such a purpose.

"Ooh and it's 'Dalek Day' on Monday", he said producing another cassette, "In long-play, I should be able to fit both 'The Daleks' and 'The Dalek Invasion of Earth' on one cassette !"

"But they're black-and-white", gasped Dufus, "And they've got Hartnell in".

Shirt ignored this, being unable to find a witty retort or comment to regain his Hartnell-hating high ground.

"What's for dinner ?", he asked in a blatant display of attempting to change the subject.

Pizza, chips and garlic bread over, the two partook of the delights of BBC1's "The Murder Game" (which for some reason didn't feature the Second Doctor, Polly or Ben), before Dufus spent the rest of the evening trying to work out if it was his "Talons" DVD or his DVD player that was rubbish, before Shirt left for his airbed in the spare room in disgust.

A late night meant that the two rose too late for a jaunt to Wales to be possible, and so a lazy day was spent watching cable television, trying to get Dufus' DVD to work again, watching the skiers at the nearby Snowdome, laughing at Dufus 'losing' his wallet several times, and visiting the cinema to watch spy-spoof "Johnny English". The evening was spent attempting the National IQ test, with Shirt scoring (slightly) higher than Dufus, but with the surprises of Dufus proving to be better on "Language" than Shirt, and Shirt being better at "Numbers" than accountant Dufus. Agreeing that a change of employment all round seemed in order, the two retired for an early night.

Leaving the house only fifteen minutes later than planned, Shirt having started his Dalek video at the appropriate time (and Dufus having briefly changed the channel half-an-hour later forgetting that Shirt was recording), the two started on their epic quest. It all seemed too easy, as Llangollen was on the A5 which ran near to Dufus' home.

"Straight up the A5 for an hour-and-a-half, and we'll be there", was Shirt (who was navigating)'s optimistic view.

That said, he wasn't far wrong, an hour-and-three-quarters later, having passed many points of interest, they found road-signs with Daleks which pointed the way to an almost entirely deserted car-park.

Leaving the car, the two went up the steps, and finding no-one in the ticket-booth, they resisted the temptation to sneak in, instead standing around aimlessly, watching "Resurrection of the Daleks" on the small monitor on the wall, wondering what to do.

Eventually an attendant arrived and sold them both tickets. Shirt bought a Souvenir Brochure, and therefore so did Dufus, before entering the exhibition which was almost deserted. The first episode was showing on a screen that a family of mannequins was watching, so Shirt averted his eyes, and moved over to a very rickety wooden TARDIS.

"Do you think it's one from the series ?", asked Dufus.

Shirt simply pointed to a notice stating "This wooden replica….".

Dufus then muttered something about "They should have a 'You are here' symbol".

Moving on, the two found themselves in a mirrored room with a Dalek, then by a console similar to that at Longleat, a couple of photos later, and they moved into a room with costumes worn by Doctors and Companions, just in time to hear a young boy laughing at Colin Baker's "clown coat". A one-sided discussion began about which stories William Hartnell had used the three displayed canes in, with Shirt having little to contribute, before Dufus stated with an air of certainty that Troughton's braces and trousers were the ones from the '60's, before Shirt pointed out in the guide that they were from "The Two Doctors". Via Pertwee's cloak and Davison's jacket, Shirt found himself transfixed by Colin's coat and "Two Doctors" waistcoat ensemble, before crossing the gallery to worship at the altar of Nicola Bryant's "Mysterious Planet" outfit, before equally becoming transfixed by three Ace outfits, and more importantly two Nyssa outfits. Having failed to identify any of the outfits in the TARDIS Wardrobe (or the "We don't know what stories these costumes are from") exhibit, the two left the first gallery, showing equal lack of knowledge about the small items in cases in the corridor.

Returning to the start of the corridor, the two found themselves faced with two signs, one pointed to a shut fire-door stated "To the factory", and the other pointed to a pair of double-doors and stated "To the Hall of Monsters". Being aware that it had said in large letters on the sign in the car park that the factory was no longer open to the public, the two pushed the door to the Hall of Monsters open, and entered.

They were immediately faced by the towering figures of a Silurian and Axon, and Shirt enjoyed pressing the button on the case to make the Silurian's eyes light up. Past Sea Devils, Omega (sadly for Shirt, Ian Collier's costume not Stephen "Radio 4 Inspector Lestrade" Thorne's), Morbius, Metebelis Spiders, Sutekh Sarcophagus, Mandrel, Pirate Captain (and Polyphase Avatron), K9 & Hecate (causing Shirt to sing the "K9 & Co" theme), the two moved, until Dufus was before one of his favourite monsters Kroll (eh??).

Bored by Dufus' pushing of the button to make Kroll light up, Shirt moved round to a display of "Earthshock" Cybermen, which had been paired with Adric's costume sans star.

"Why have these been put together", he asked Dufus who had now joined him, attempting to be witty.

Dufus just ignored him and moved over to where the Melkur was on display with an Argolin and Foamasi. Shirt's attention however, had been drawn by the Magma Beast and Sharaz Jek Mask opposite.

"It looks much more scary in the 'flesh' !", he commented.

Shirt's attention was then drawn by "Terminus"'s Garm, the Snake Effigy from "Snakedance", the Malus, and finally his excitement levels growing, by a Gastropod and a Jacondan mask.  

Moving round the corner, Shirt's excitement levels grew still further with a L1 robot, Kiv and several Sils, a couple of Vervoids, a Mogaran, and most importantly Drathro representing "Trial of a Timelord". To one side, Shirt was delighted to find a Cryon, and a "Two Doctors" Sontaran, whose light-up red eyes were very disturbing. By now, Dufus had caught up with him, and the two pushed open the door to the third gallery.

The presence of a pool cleaner from "Paradise Towers", the partially melted Bertie Bassett/Kandyman, Fifi from "Happiness Patrol", and finally Control and Husk from "Ghost Light", raised Shirt’s excitement levels still further, but the best was yet to come.

"It's Zog !", exclaimed Shirt, rushing up to the cabinet containing the small furry stage-show companion, much to Dufus’ disgust.

Continuing on, past Haemovores and Cheetah People, both had a go being a Dalek, but as usual could not think of anything funny to say, Dufus' Dalek voice sounding more like Papa Lazarou from "League of Gentlemen" than one of Skaro's tinpot terrors. The presence of the Dalek Battle Computer made the two think of "Remembrance of the Daleks" and in particular of the lovely Jasmine Breaks whom they had met a couple of months before (see C,D&S….Invasion III).

Leaving the exhibition, and making their way outside, the two scoured the immediate area for Bessie whom Chalky had told them had been present when he had visited, without success. However, they did notice that in small writing on the sign, it stated that the factory was open to visitors at weekends and public holidays. Retiring to the exhibition shop, which was having a sale, enabling Dufus to start collecting the DAPOL figures at a bargain price, and Shirt to fill some of his Harlequin Miniatures gaps, they paid for their purchases and asked about Bessie.

"She's on the factory tour", the man told them, assuring them that pushing the fire-door would not set off the alarm.

Retracing their steps past the mannequin family, Dalek in hall of mirrors, Doctor and Companion costumes, a brief reverent bow to “The Shrine of Nicola” by Shirt, the two pushed the door (no alarm), and at the bottom of a flight of stairs found Bessie. Both took each other's picture with the car (Dufus doing his "best" Jon Pertwee impression of the infamous "Five Doctors" outtake involving the difficulty of driving Bessie), before wandering round the factory trail which unfortunately due to loss of licence only involved the production of model railway rolling stock, but did have some highly entertaining letters from fans attached to some of the barriers.

Leaving the exhibition again, the two wandered over the small bridge to Llangollen town. Briefly stopping at a souvenir shop, but leaving without any Welsh souvenirs (despite this being Dufus' first time in the "land of song"), Shirt's attention was drawn by a shop offering a Café and Secondhand Bookshop (killing two of Shirt's favourite birds with one stone). The sign at the top of the stairs offered 10,000 secondhand books. Shirt expressed scorn at this, and entered to find shelf upon shelf upon shelf of secondhand books. Examining the "Classics" shelves, Shirt was interrupted by the lilting voice of Dufus, shouting.

"Shirt, they've got loads of 'New Adventures' and 'Doctor Who Script Books' here !"

Joining Dufus, Shirt identified which script books he did not possess, the NAs for some reason not including the rare ones, and Dufus spent five minutes umming-and-ahhing over whether he had the "Masters of Luxor" script-book. Twenty minutes later, and the two left, Shirt purchasing two script books and an early biography of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

So pleased with his purchases was Shirt that he walked straight past a charity shop, having to be stopped by Dufus.

Deciding hunger must be addling his brain, the two bought large portions of chips (and in Dufus' case, fish) from the local takeaway, and returned to the river where they ate them at a small wooden picnic table. Finishing his chips, Shirt decided to 'phone Chalky to see if he wanted anything from the shop. A brief conversation took place, during which Shirt also asked how far Portmeiron (location for "The Prisoner" and DW story "The Masque of Mandragora") was, and whether he remembered if Dufus had the "MOL" script book. Chalky's answers were "Very far", and a less printable version of "How would I know ?".

Despite Chalky’s advice and an original plan to be back at Dufus’ in time to re-record the second episode of “The Daleks”, that Dufus had interrupted earlier that day, from the evening repeat, the two decided to head for Portmeiron, as it didn’t look that far on the map (and with Shirt navigating, how could they go wrong). They quickly went round the exhibition once more, a quick stop off at the shop and “facilities”, and the two jumped into Dufus' car and with a squeal of tyres headed for the village of Portmeiron.

All went well as they zoomed along the A5, but when it came to an end, Shirt made a fatal error.

“This looks like the shortest route”, he said jabbing a B-road that went across country, “I’m sure it’ll be fine !”

Stupidly trusting him, Dufus turned at the indicated sign, and the two found themselves bumping along a narrow track, surrounded on all sides by craggy mountains.

“It’s like the Death Zone”, commented Dufus, making use of the opportunity to do his “Jon Pertwee-Five Doctors” impression again.

[In fact as they would later find out, they were indeed on the outskirts of Maentwrong, location for Gallifrey’s Death Zone]

The track continued for about twelve miles, seriously affecting the speed of their progress, until finally they reached a main road again, and Shirt agreed to find an alternative way back.

The journey then sped up a little, with Shirt’s continual cry being “It should be a few miles away now !”.

Finally arriving in the car park, having taken a minimum of wrong turns, the two quickly jumped out, aware that they had just over an hour before the village closed. Paying at the booth, the two continued quickly to the village’s centre, stopping only briefly to have a quick look in the “Prisoner” shop and to buy ice creams. Looking around them, they realised that they should have watched “Masque of Mandragora” the day before to be able to spot locations. However, after a few minutes looking around, both realised that the Gloriette featured in the execution scene, and so both had their pictures taken on the balcony.

A look in the variety of shops, and vainly trying to find any other parts of the village that they recognised, Dufus and Shirt spent the next hour unproductively, before with a sigh and looking at their watches, they admitted defeat and returned to Dufus’ car.

Shirt managed to find a “Death Zone”-avoiding route back, and they made good time back, listening to the delights of Robert Shearman’s first collaboration with Martin Jarvis & Rosalind Ayres, “Inappropriate Behaviour”, which to Dufus’ disappointment didn’t feature any Daleks.

The two finally arrived home, very tired, plans were made as to how Shirt was going to return to London the next day, and another early night was called for. All in all, it had been a fun, if long, day !!

[PL]