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Chapter Title: A Song For Mama
Author: Chad
E-mail: chad_m_@hotmail.com
Rated: R
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, but the story is.
Summary: After all the heartache and four years of marriage, Buffy and Angel’s relationship finally comes to and end when he cheats on her. B/A, B/S, and A/C.
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~A Song For Mama~
*Boys II Men*
//You taught me everything,
And everything you've given me, I'll always keep it inside.
You're the driving force in my life, yeah.
There isn't anything or anyone that I can be,
And it just wouldn't feel right,
If I didn't have you by my side.
You were there for me to love and care for me,
When skies were grey.
Whenever I was down,
You were always there to comfort me.
And no one else can be what you have been to me,
You'll always be,
You will always be the girl in my life for all times.
Mama, Mama you know I love you,
(Oh, you know I love you),
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart.
Your love is like tears from the stars.
Mama, I just want you to know,
Lovin' you is like food to my soul.//
Angel checked himself in the mirror by the door once again, making sure every spike in his hair was perfect, his teeth was spotlessly clean, and his navy blue silk shirt was neat and crisp. He breathed and shook himself before casually opening the door.
“Buffy,” he smiled, “Come on in.”
She grinned back nervously before stepping inside his apartment for their 11:30 appointment. “Hey,” she greeted. “Is Connor here?” she asked, looking around as she took off her sunglasses.
Angel stared at her form, dressed in a black knee length skirt, a yellow silk blouse with a jacket over it, and a pair of high heels. Looking so damn perfect and business-like, so . . . perfect.
“Angel?”
“Yeah, he’s in his room,” he replied finally.
She bit her lower lip and placed her sunglasses inside her black bag. “Did you get a chance to talk to him . . . about . . . you know?” she asked, trying hard not to meet his eyes.
Angel looked away and sadly nodded. “Just a bit,” he answered sincerely, “I left out the gory details. Tried to anyway,” he confessed.
It was one of the toughest things he had to do in his life. To tell his own son who worshipped him and looked up to him that he had made a huge mistake that he couldn’t take back.
“What happened?” Connor had asked solemnly.
“Some things went on with Aunt Cordelia. Your mother couldn’t . . . ” Angel sighed, “Your mother was hurt by it . . . greatly. She couldn’t forgive me, and she thought she was doing the best for the two of us so . . . she left,” Angel replied with a far away look in his eyes.
“Did you have sex with Aunt Cordy?” Connor asked innocently.
Angel stared at the ceiling, not quite believing that he was talking to his son about this, and that his child already had ideas about sex . . . and cheating. It was unnerving, and Angel had the urge to lie. But one look in his sons eyes and he knew that one more false move, everything around him could fall apart. “You could say that,” he answered.
Connor looked down at his hands. “So I lost my mom because of you?” he asked in a confused tone.
Angel sat there stunned as he gazed at his child with wide eyes. Throughout his entire life he never once imagined that Connor would ever blame him for anything, about his life, about his past . . . his sins and misdeeds . . . but with this . . . Angel sighed and tightly closed his eyes. It was true. He was responsible for Buffy leaving . . . he was the one who pushed her away, who made her runaway.
“I . . . Connor . . . ” The young boy looked up at his father expectantly. “I can’t take back what I had done, to try and do so is impossible. It was a crazy time and I didn’t know what I was doing,” Angel chuckled dryly, “Until now, I still don’t know what in God’s name I was doing or even thinking . . . but it happened. And believe me when I say that I love your mom with my entire being. I loved her back then and I love her now . . . and you’ll get her back . . . BOTH of us will get her back.”
“Promise me, Dad.”
“I promise you,” he said and hugged his son to him, hoping against all hope that he could keep that promise and win Buffy in the end. And finally, they could all live, maybe not happily every after, but just . . . live.
//You're always down for me,
Have always been around for me,
Even when I was bad.
You showed me right from my wrong,
(Yes you did)
And you stood up for me,
When everyone was downin' me,
You always did understand,
You gave me strength to go on.
There was so many times,
Looking back when I was so afraid.
And then you come to me and say to me,
I can face anything.
And no one else can do,
What you have done for me.
You'll always be,
You will always be the girl in my life.//
“Is it okay if I talk to him for a few minutes?” Buffy asked him.
Angel nodded and motioned down the hall to the left. Buffy smiled gratefully and walked towards Connor’s room, stopping in front of his door to knock softly at the barrier that kept her from her oldest baby.
“Come in,” came a low grumble which made Buffy smile. So much like his father and he didn’t even realize it.
She carefully pried the door open and found Connor at his study table reading the recent addition to the Harry Potter series. She leaned against the door frame, just watching him concentrate deeply on his book, his jaws clenching every few minutes as though he was fighting something within himself.
“You should have taken me with you when you left,” his voice was harsh and demanding, causing Buffy to look away and bite her bottom lip.
“I couldn’t,” she replied.
He slammed his book shut. “Why not!” he shouted.
“Connor,” Angel growled warningly, walking towards his son’s doorway in a predatory march. “Don’t talk . . . “
Buffy lifted up a hand to stop him. “It’s fine,” she said and entered the room, closing the door gently behind her. She carefully studied his room, noting how empty and barren it was with its plain white walls, simple study area, and a bed with blue and green sheets. It was a far out cry from the room they had both designed together back in the hotel at LA.
“We have to do something about your little haven here,” she tried to tease him, to put him in a better mood, “Good thing your mom’s a designer.”
“Good thing my mom left me,” he retorted back bitterly.
Buffy shook her head, in the verge of tears for her son . . . maybe not in blood, but definitely in soul. “I didn’t want to leave you!” she told him.
“Then why didn’t you take me with you! Five years and not one letter . . . not one phone call to tell me Happy Birthday, or Merry Christmas!” he screamed, presenting her with a broken face of tears and dejection, of broken beliefs and trust, of frailty and sorrow.
“I wrote you almost everyday for these five years,” Buffy confessed, her own tears now falling freely from her eyes. She took out a large silver box from her bag and handed it to him with shaking fingers. He took without a word, but still with a frown marring his face.
“Every Halloween, every Easter, every holiday I wrote to you . . . every time you got sick, every time you were presented with honors at school, I wrote to you,” she said with a small smile as she watched him leaf through five years worth of letter, cards, and other small knick-knacks she had collected. “You had always been in my thoughts and heart for these five years, Connor. You’re my baby.”
The young boy closed the box carefully and looked up at her with glassy blue eyes. “Why didn’t you take me?”
“Because you were all your father had . . . and I couldn’t take that away from him . . . no matter how much I wanted to,” she replied.
Connor stood up from his chair and walked towards her, crying as he grabbed her waist and clung to her. Buffy let out a sob and fell to her knees, taking him into her arms and embracing him tightly.
“You’re my baby,” Buffy cried, grasping him as though he was her only lifeline, “And I love you more than you’ll ever realize.”
“Don’t leave again, Mom,” Connor pleaded as his tears fell onto her blouse, “Don’t leave me . . . don’t leave us.”
Buffy smiled through her tears and caressed his head. “I won’t, sweetie. I promise. You can’t get rid of me now.”
//Mama, Mama you know I love you,
(Oh, you know I love you),
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart.
Your love is like tears from the stars.
Mama, I just want you to know,
Lovin' you is like food to my soul.
Never gonna go a day without you.
Fills me up just thinking about you.
I'll never go a day without my Mama.//
The sat like that for a while as their cries decreased and stopped. Connor thought for a moment. Here was his mother, back into his life. So many questions and unanswered fears ran through his mind. Was she going to leave again even though she had promised not to? Would she take him if she did leave? Did she remarry again? Did she have any other children now?
“Do you still love Dad?” Connor asked out loud, surprising himself as well as her.
Buffy pulled away and stared into his eyes. “I don’t think that’s something we should discuss right now,” she replied nervously.
“You do,” he answered for her.
“Connor . . . ”
“Then look at me and tell you don’t love him. Straight in the eyes,” he told her seriously.
Buffy couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. Connor frowned at her. “It’s not funny.”
She shook her head, “No. I know. It’s just that . . . ”
“Please, Mom?” Connor urged, “Tell me you don’t love him.”
Buffy closed her eyes. Somehow, all her children could see right through her. Even her twin babies could tell when she felt sad or lonely. And maybe it was because Connor was a bit older than he could see more clearly through her . . . maybe everyone was able to see through her . . . after all, Angel once said that she wore her heart on her sleeve.
Buffy sighed and stared at Connor. “I love him,” she said softly, “I do.”
“Then come back,” he begged, fighting back another urge to cry.
She shook her head sadly. “I can’t,” she told him, “Connor . . . I left that day because your father had broken my heart again. And I promised myself it would be the last time he’d do that to me.”
“Dad loves you!”
“But not enough,” she explained to him with the belief of it in her tone. Buffy grasped the young boy’s head and clasped her palms gently against his cheeks. “Whatever happens to your father and I won’t change anything between you and me,” she swore to him.
“Okay . . . I get that.”
“Good.”
“But I want you to give Dad another chance . . . ”
“Connor . . . ”
“Please? He regrets everything he’s done wrong to you,” he told her, “Back in LA, he would become quiet and start staring out into space in the middle of the hotel lobby or the kitchen and even the hall going to his room. And everyone knows that he’s thinking of you.”
“Con . . . ”
“And when Aunt Willow or Grandpa Giles would come visit and suddenly say something about you, they would all become quiet and Dad would go up to his room and brood there for hours. And we all know he’d be up there sitting in his leather chair with a book filled with your pictures . . . ”
“Alright, Connor, I get it,” Buffy sighed, still having doubts, “And I’ll try. I wont guarantee anything, but I’ll certainly try. For you. How about that?”
Connor nodded. “But don’t do it for me,” he said, “Do it for you and Dad.”
Buffy smiled and embraced him once again.
//Mama, Mama you know I love you,
(Oh, you know I love you),
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart.
Your love is like tears from the stars.
Mama, I just want you to know,
Lovin' you is like food to my soul.//
Continue to Chapter 8: It's Been A While
Back to Chapter 6: All You Wanted