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Chapter Title: It’s Been A While
Author: Chad
E-mail: chad_m_@hotmail.com
Rated: R
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, but the story is.
Summary: After all the heartache and four years of marriage, Buffy and Angel’s relationship finally comes to and end when he cheats on her. B/A, B/S, and A/C.
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~It's Been a While~
*Staind*
//And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means//
The car ride to the fancy coffee and pastry shop was a quiet one. Buffy had left Connor a few minutes back with a number of promises, including taking him out in a fun filled Saturday with just the two of them and no one else.
Of course, Angel consented, wanting nothing more than to be part of the day as well. But to ask was pushing it.
“I’m glad that you’re going to be taking Connor out this weekend,” Angel said, finally breaking the silence that had enveloped his black Mustang since the two of them got on it.
“Yeah, me too,” Buffy smiled softly and then added, “I’ve missed him.”
“He’s missed you too,” Angel grinned back at her, “We both have.”
Buffy was quiet but suddenly laughed. “I doubt it, Angel,” she said, “I really do.” She didn’t want to provoke him, but the bitterness that she had tried to deny and kept hidden was beginning to consume her through this tense ride.
Angel gulped. “Buffy, I have a lot to explain . . . ”
“I don’t need you to,” she retorted back, looking out the window and watching the endless rows of restaurants and small shops, gazing at the people walking and chatting innocently on the sidewalk, and at lovers kissing on the bench waiting for the bus. How worry-free they seemed to be . . . but she knew differently. Inside each of them were the same concerns and stress. Maybe it wasn’t the same, but adeptly similar nonetheless.
Angel blinked his eyes, fighting to gain a semblance of control. Her defenses were up, he had to respect that. Look at what he had done to her. He had slept with Cordelia, slept in her bed . . . and he still had the decency to return to Buffy at night, pretending it hadn’t happened at all.
“I know I screwed up . . . ”
“I don’t want to talk about this,” Buffy said, irritated, “I’m here to do a job. Discuss my plans, discuss what you want . . . ”
“And what I want is to discuss us right now,” Angel practically growled, mentally hitting himself at the cruelty that soaked his tone.
“You have no right,” she snapped in return, “And there is no us.”
Angel was silent for a moment before telling her, “There will always be an ‘us.’ Fight it as much you want but you can never get rid of it.”
“I already have.”
His jaws clenched. “With Spike?”
Buffy’s eyes widened as her head snapped towards him. Angel chuckled humorlessly, “Didn’t think I’d find out?”
Buffy glared at him. “Didn’t think you’d ever spy on me.”
“I wasn’t spying on you,” Angel sighed, trying to keep his emotions under constraint. “I was taking a walk and I just saw the two of you . . . together.”
“Well, we’re not . . . ” Buffy said, crossing her arms against her chest as her gaze went back out the window, “ . . . together . . . like that.”
Angel kept quiet as he let her explain.
“He’s my best friend,” she told him sincerely, “Since the day I left LA to live here, he’s been by my side, helping me get over the pain and move on with my life.”
Angel gulped again. “Have you?”
Buffy shrugged. “Have you?” but then she laughed, “I can’t believe I just asked that. Of course you have. That’s the reason why I left.”
//And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again//
“Don’t do this, Buffy,” Angel said through clenched teeth, gripping the steering wheel, making his knuckles turn white, “I made a mistake . . . ”
“You made more than just a mistake, Angel! You lied to me!” Buffy yelled, on the brink of tears, “You promised me you would never hurt me again . . . but you did.”
“I never meant to.”
“But you always do. Always.”
Angel’s heart clenched. Always . . . that word had permanently held a deeper meaning to the two of them. But for the word to be used for something other than eternity felt like a ton of bricks had just dropped down on him.
“Cordelia meant nothing to me . . . ”
“I don’t care,” she shook her head, “And I don’t want to hear it. What you did and why you did it no longer matters to me. I’ve asked myself that a bunch of times and I‘ve given up on finding the answer. I don’t need you to provide me with one anymore.”
“You have no idea what I went through when you left . . . ”
“You have no idea what I went through when I found out you were fucking Cordelia!” Buffy threw back.
“I understand . . . ”
“No, you don’t . . . and this conversation is over.”
“It’s not because I need to get something out,” Angel said through gritted teeth. “I went through hell when you left, and I know that could never equal to the pain you must have suffered, but I went through my own grief . . . Buffy . . . you’re everything to me, you always have and you always will.
I can’t explain what happened with Cordelia, I could never answer why I did it either. I can never take back what I did, I wish I could . . . but I can’t. The only thing I could do is to say how sorry I am that I hurt you . . . and I keep hurting you,” Angel sighed, “And I want to make it up to you. Forever if that’s what it takes.”
“Angel . . . ”
“I want you back, Buffy . . . and I’m not giving up this time. I’ll do everything it takes to get you back in my life . . . in our son’s life.”
“Are you done?”
“No . . . my intricately prepared speech has gone down the drain,” Angel confessed.
//Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candle lights your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me//
Buffy was quiet for a long time. She promised herself that she wouldn’t get into this ever again . . . that Angel was in her past and would stay that way no matter how much she still loved him. And it seems as though he still loves her. Question is . . . for how long? Until he found Cordelia’s bed again? Or left hers because of her own good?
She looked at him as he continued to drive, eyes strictly on the road, hands still clenched on the steering wheel.
She also had promised Connor to try and work it out with his father . . . but the fear of sleepless nights filled with tears, of staring at his pictures and then suddenly burst out crying . . . could she go through that again?
And how about the twins? What would he say when he finally found out about them? What would he demand? Custody? Marriage? It could be a number of different things . . . things she couldn’t possibly even think of right now.
“I don’t understand what you want from me, Angel,” she declared, her tone sounding defeated.
“Another chance is all I ask for,” he said, holding his breath for her answer.
Buffy was once again quiet. “It’ll be your last,” she replied softly.
//And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry//
Continue to Chapter 9: Out of This World
Back to Chapter 7: A Song For Mama