What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas
and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around
talking about their trip. "I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!"
says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and
hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back,
she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard.'
I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife
played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up
with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

>floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free" 
>floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free" 

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

>

>A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

>

>The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

>

>"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

>

>"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

>

>The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

>

>"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

>

>This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

A first grade teacher explainHe Said, She Said...

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . .... . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . Good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.

He said . . . Why did the man cross the road?
She said . . . He heard the chicken was a slut.

He said . . . Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . . They don't have time

He said . . .. What do men and sperm have in common?
She said . . ....They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

He said . . . How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
She said . . . He buys two cases of beer.

He said . . . What is the difference between men and government bonds?
She said . . . The bonds mature.

He said . . . Why are blonde jokes so short?
She said . . . So men can remember them.

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know; it has not ever happened.

He said . . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said . . . A widow.


He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

He said . . . What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
She said . . . They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He

inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of

satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look

Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet,"

replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's

going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still

confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,

Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while

Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a

hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there

is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different

countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be

very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in

the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's

Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains,

lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada

are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be

found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and

high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and

carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice

hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about

balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them...."

s to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

 

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."