"it's all over"
september 1999
beau-ti-ful
its the 25th of septembre 1999
"what the hell is it now?"
we hear you ask yourself
"will you not leave
me to live my life in peace?"
well...
no...
we have plans...
Pretty Lady
careers towards megalomaniac
insanity und we will drag you all with us,
by the hair if needs be
on our careening journey into
the avant garde
we can't stop
it's an illness really...
we have added a new slice of
ed-u-casssssssion to the lately rather deprived teachings
pages
learn all about
rot
they may have their...
knockers...
but luv 'em theyre the only
ones we've got
where are they from?
why are they here?
what do they want?
we must never forget that the
royal family
no matter how in tune with their
subjects
no matter how addled with alcohol
no matter how lovely of teeth
no matter how dysfunctional
they do not know how to either
lap or pole dance
a travesty which will surely
bring the monarchy to its knees,
allowing a new heir to step
forward
ALL HAIL BOTH KING UND QUEEN
THE DIVINE DAVID
(Jay Cloth a beau-ti-ful Sophie
Rhys-Jones to his Princess Edward)
see as he lunges from the screaming
crowd
knocking the Queen Mother into
the dirt
pulling Liz from her gilded
carriage
nailvarnished fingers a-whirl
removing the chattles from their
unrightful owner
sliding his feet into Elizabeth's
court shoes
pulling about himself the beautiful
mauve satin sash
relieving her of both orb und
sceptre
tearing the crown from her dishevilled
'do'
he wrests the handbag from her
clutching fingers
und throws it open to the world
who gasp as they see NOTHING
but bits of paper...
we've also been salivating over
FOUR (count 'em!) new slices of delectable sequin-bedecked celebrity mail,
venture
hither und see who's been gorgeous enough to tap out a reply this time,
whilst marvelling at the all new discotheque backdroppage, mmmm...
"how do you say deee-mentia?"
we also felt the need for a general
tarting
up of the media page,
bless its plain-orange-background-ed
cotton socks,
it is now a multimedia VISION
say trueprint und smile
to celebrate such an event we
have added an elderly but still quite sprightly review of our mentors discotheque
"FREAKSHOW"
taken from an old copy of
Homosexual Times
how laaaaahvley
(witness the vision that was
Freakshow-era The Divine David in the gallery
2 page... it's the one of him looking tres sophisticated in an orange frill
shirt und evening jacket... he must have just Timotei-d his hair, it looks
beautifully sleek)
und finally... we know you are
as worried as we... theres another letter from CkOne model Anna in the
Danny
Saga secsssion... it's not happy news we're afraid)
anyway
that's more than enough...
fond farewells then
as we teeter off into the electronic
mire once more
be brave
we'll be thinking of you...
Count Lovely und Spike
THERE...
ARE
L TTLE
BI tS
DROP pING
now then
20/09/99
"look beautiful,
and you'll have a beautiful
life!"
again, the truth spews from
our icon's lips like water
from a picturesque mountain spring
it's all about surface
who cares about whats going
on underneath?
it's all about front
shine
glamour
flesh
oh yes
so here it is
nevermind the problems
faced by Britains homeless
nevermind the oncoming of winter
und it's devastating
effects on the elderly populous
nevermind the supressssion
of minority groups
lets talk
COUNT LOVELY'S GUIDE TO NAILULAR
GLAMOUR (tm)
simply follow the instructions
und you too can have the nails
OF AN ICON!
YES
that's all your problems solved
in one easy swoooop
beautiful
more?
go on then...
press here *
to go view the latest luminaries bedecking the celebrity
squares page
press here *
to see the newest line in linkage
never forget that you are beautiful
goodbye for now
Count Lovely und Spike
*Fifteen
Nine
OneNineNineNine*
its a BUMPER
day for news... oooh yes.
so much to peruse, perhaps you'd
best phone in sick...
if you are wary of doing this,
perhaps your boss is the suspicious, double checking type why not add realism
to your cause by consuming a large amount of household cleaner with your
breakfast, a lovely big glassful in place of orange juice, that lemony
tang is sure to wake up your natural sparkle, or perhaps pour it over your
muesli...
this ought to have you suffering
extreme stomach cramps und what have you by the time the first tea break
whistle goes...
better still if your boss IS
the suspicious, double checking type why not add that household cleaner
to HIS mid-morning beverage?
it's certainly a thought!
we've had some more mail!
in the words of strictly heterosexual,
celibate pop goddess
Cliff
Richard
it's music we've found und
we're wired for sound
oh yes
for the delectable a0d aka pop
star altar-ego
has provided us with our very
first item for the
sound
section of postbag
und it truly is a jewel
go und get, you won't be dissssappppointed
we can assure you
Not only that but the delicious
LINNY
has furnished us with two (oh
yes... DEUX) truly DELICIOUS items of... mail
theres the beau-ti-ful, sparkly
"Spatial Awareness" poster
UND
(und bladder control becomes
a thing of the past beyond this point)
a Jay Cloth ORIGINAL artwork!
oh yes
we had to create a special
viewing area
traverse to the Jay
Cloth Section(ed)
und witness true artistic beauty
there are also more celebrity
views vis-a-vis
The Divine David
direct from the lips of various
stars
(do you know, we've written
to so many celebs, having to promise cash 'donasssions' here, the odd heap
of cocaine there, a free clutchbag hither und a mention link-wise thither
we find ourselves almost as
drained as our celebrity address book
oh yes, it's tireless work
und all without any medal
or other personal gain
aren't we beautiful?)
finally... well it's a worry
frankly, one of our celeb e-mails has unearthed a gamut of lies, treachery
und danger... we decided it'd all be best out in the open und so have started
the danny saga, to be updated as und
when... no, not strictly about The Divine David but somebody has to show
the underdogs that they care... you cannot let these things pass you by
without so much as a backwards glance... where would we be if nobody cared...
hmm?
we know what else you are thinking
"Well Lord Our Saviour be praised,
if they haven't changed the quote too!"
and you're right!
how beautiful!
LOST THE PLOT?
well isn't that gorgeous? we
were concerned that the site may be getting out of hand, but remembered
just in time that WE DON'T CARE , und that the site could never get too...
comprehensive, so if any of you think that it IS all getting a little too
much...
well you know what you wanna
do, don't you...
love?
addendum: more new answers from Mike ex-of
Mouthfull, Ellyott Dragon of Nightnurse und The Praxis Group
we have also added some links to the various
celeb homepages, so why don't you pop in for a soft beverage und
savoury snack?
they'd love to have you
13th September 1999
well how beautiful...
Count Lovely und Spike have been busy writing
away to various
vis-a-vis
The Divine David
und his place in their lives, hearts und livers
...we shall collate the answers, should we
get any, upon the brand new celebrity squares pages!
oh yes... MORE all new
pages
it's going too fast to stop now
anyone attempting to stop the rollercoasting
Pretty Lady
extravaganza will find themselves crushed
neath its whirling wheels
unstoppable
ever growing
see what the celebs
have to say about
The Divine David
HERE
oh yes...
"that's all folks"
Count Lovely und Spike
date: 11th September 1999
ou est le chat?
what happened?
they'd all
packed up and left...
The Divine David
Channel 4
Edinburgh or Bust
'chat'
a filthy, filthy, filthy travesty
oh yes
lets say no more about it...
let us focus instead upon the programme
red paint, kimono's, lap dancing,
stolen beverages, surreal rewards,
the giving of ones self completely for entertainment
it was beautiful
it was avant-garde
well... we continue our quest to
bring the universe to it's knees, everywhere we can we add a link,
guiding the unsuspecting toward
the bountiful bosom of pretty lady
they enter, unsuspecting, und soon
are addicts, eating, drinking und sleeping
The Divine David
until there is nothing else
we take up room also, grabbing
und subverting the internet little by little bit by bit
until its all over
until it all belongs to us
the loose collective of avant-gardeists
who follow
The Divine David
we
are
the
future
define ...
we have had to reshuffle the gallery,
many people actually bacame manic depressives waiting for all of the pictures
to load und so now it is split in half, two beautific pages of gorgeous
snaps awaiting perusal...
theres some new pics too,
including some donassssions from
the
delectable anarchistic collective
that is
(link available in the fresh
produce pages)
und the darling
how laaaahhhvley!
"also this issue"
***more obsessive compulsive***
***more links***
anyway
maybe it's time to say
ciao
goodnight
und
thankyouverymuuuuch
Count Lovely und Spike
8th September 1999
SO MUCH TO **ENJOY**
THIS MONTH!
oh yes
we wouldn't lie to you
this bulletin includes:
THIS...
those of an arty or crafty slant
will be so thrilled they may not no how to cope und may possibly
evacuate their bowels,
require attenssssion of a meeeedical
nature
or maybe even go several steps
down the line
and actually die
after reading the following...
we have been beggaring with
the Jay Cloth Section(ed) yet again und all your favourite craft items
are now nestling neath a separate
ClothCrafts
section for your enjoyment...
with an all new feature!
namely
the
make your own Jay Cloth Party
Masque Page
oh yes
he looks beautiful,
if you follow our step by step
guide you too can look beautiful
and d'you know what?
here's some more beautiful people!
UND THIS
...well one more, though perhaps the most beautiful
of all beautiful people
THE DIVINE DAVID
for we have more for the gallery!
TWO beautiful new pictures of
The Divine David, one mid maquillage applicasssion, the other in a distinctly
lounge
lizard mood
UND THIS
it's a
which has been worrying us to quite some extent, sometimes an article or
snippet, soundbite or review
just seemed too
to add to the media section
und yet we feel obliged to deliver
to you a breathtakingly comprehensive
The Divine David
service...
it's troubling, we think you'll
agree
und voila! it came to us!
a new section wherein we may
ensconce these tit-bits as-is for your viewing pleasure!
und here it is
obsessive
compulsive
enjoy!
how lovely
UND THIS!
finally can we again encroach
upon your generosity und ask for something for postbag?
we've had some truly beau-ti-ful
bits und bobs,
but we are greedy
und we do want
let us not forget that
The Divine David
once attempted to rip out his
spine with a broken glass live on stage,
which is commitment to showbiz
if ere we saw it,
pay him back by adding a little
something to postbag
go on
you could
go on,
y'wanna fuck off und get your
pencils out, love
bye bye
never ever forget that we love
you all
ciao
Count Lovely und Spike
(3rd september 1999)
september already?
how lovely
before we know were we are we'll
all be searching out those bobble hats und suffering bouts of sunlight
deprived depression...
WE'VE HAD SOME MAIL!
the beautific
GASSJACK
has sent us something...
transforming the ART section
of Postbag into a cabinet de curiosity
we could tell you waht it is,
but we won't spoil it...
why not take a look?
we do appreciate your mail
it's lovely hearing from you
why not send us something for
our
postbag
today?
always a treat, we've topped
up the gallery with even more screen captures from
The Divine David Presents...
everything from shop assistants
to illusions
back to yesterday's
news index