World Wrestling Entertainment Inc. is set to pay tribute on some of its history's
furriest, slimiest and feathered performers later this month. And no, we're not referring to the former members of X-Factor.
As part of its big Backlash weekend
festivities, WWE has reserved the prestigious Lexington (Kentucky) Veterinary Clinic on April 29th to induct seven
lucky superstars into its brand new WWE Hall of Fame Animal Wing.
"Quite frankly, it was about time
that we honored the remarkable accomplishments these animals have made to World Wrestling Entertainment," WWE Chairman Vince
McMahon said in a news release. "Some of these animals were more popular than the wrestlers. Cena, for example."
Insider sources claim the inductions
are actually part of a little-discussed requirement in WWE's 2002 settlement with the World Wildlife Fund. Others say that
McMahon misheard Vice-President of Talent Relations Johnny Ace's request that "We should really put Animal in
the Hall of Fame this year."
Nonetheless, World Wrestling Insanity
News has obtained a list of this year's inductees. Let's take a look:
Frankie B. Ware was
the epitome of showmanship during his various stints with the World Wrestling Federation between 1988 and 1992.
Coming off of a brief but successful
run on the Texas independent circuit, Frankie was contacted by then-road agent Rene Goulet to "give New York a try."
He was immediately paired up with Koko B. Ware, who was not yet "The Birdman" and known only as "The Man". Frankie
and Koko hit it off immediately and became inseparable.
"Frankie helped me through a lot
of difficult times in my life," Koko, 61, said during a recent interview (Oh, come on! He can show up in Radio Free Insanity,
but not here?). "Whenever I thought about giving into drugs, Frankie would always be there, squawking away."
"He was probably telling me to
look to the Good Lord for forgiveness," Koko continued. "Mmmmm-yeahhhhhhh! Bird-maaaaaaaan!"
Frankie, who died following injuries
suffered in a 1997 ladder match in Japan, will be inducted by Koko himself. Fellow WWE Hall of Famer Bobby Heenan will
probably break out the old "His mother's name is Tupper" joke for old times sake.
When Davey Boy Smith and
Dynamite Kid needed a manager during their peak in the mid-1980's, and Captain Lou Albano was too drunk to help
out, Federation scouts turned to Matilda.
The announcers used to tout Matilda's
British roots, yet her 1999 biography ("Biting Jimmy Hart's Ass: The Matilda Story") reveals that she was actually
born in Vancouver, British Columbia. Hey, wouldn't that make her a Canadian Bulld (nahhhh)…
Her finest hour was a 1987 angle
in which Bobby Heenan, Haku and Tama "dognapped" her. Thousands of wrestling fans too stupid to realize
this was all make-believe wrote in letters encouraging her to "Get Well".
Yet the joke was really on them.
During a vignette that was to be aired on Saturday Night's Main Event, The Islanders kept Matilda locked in a trunk
for an extended period of time. The late mascot was replaced the next week by a German Shepherd from Montreal.
No one ever knew the difference.
"She was great for us," said Davey
Boy Smith. "Oh, wait. I'm dead, aren't I? Okay, never mind."
Matilda will be co-inducted by
Smith's dog Winston and Al Snow's chihuahua Pepper.
Not many people within the wrestling
fraternity will ever forget Damian, the manager/valet for Jake "The Snake" Roberts during his initial stint
in the World Wrestling Federation.
"Who?" asked Roberts, when reached
for comment. "Got any crack?"
Just as Damian slithered across
many an unconscious foe during the gimmick-laden 1980's, he also slithered into our hearts. Not literally, of course.
As we all remember, Damian was
squashed to death after Earthquake delivered a punishing sit-down splash on him during a Superstars of Wrestling taping
in 1991. However, most people don't know that he owed a lot of money to the Reptile Mafia, and would have likely been offed
soon anyways.
Damian will be inducted into the
WWE Hall of Fame Animal Wing by his big brother Lucifer.
Not much can be said about Rick
Steamboat's Lizard that was used during only one stinking match. Which begs the question "why the hell is it being inducted
into the Hall of Fame"?
Lizard was killed in 1988 by Superfly
Jimmy Snuka during a motel room rampage. He will be inducted, for some reason, by WWE Champion John Cena.
One may wonder why Chloe Wilson
is being inducted ahead of more deserving animals, such as Rick Steiner's dog Alex or Bad News Brown's Harlem Sewer
Rats.
"Quite frankly, Chloe represents
everything that is right and just about America," McMahon said in the news release. "Wait, she's the 'Go Daddy' chick with
the magic wand, right?"
Yeah, not so much.
Chloe will be inducted by former
WWE Women's Champion Bull Nakano, who will then devour the dog whole on live television.
One would have to make a persuasive
argument to exclude Mine from the WWE Hall of Fame Animal Wing. For example, it's not an animal and just a fucking
toy.
Others, such as former Intercontinental
Champion Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, see things differently, calling Mine a "pioneer in our industry."
"I never said that," Valentine
claims. "And when did I hold the Intercontinental Title? Haven't I died yet?"
He hasn't, although Mine did
pass on in 1994 during an airport-customs inspection gone horribly, horribly wrong.
Mine will be inducted into the
WWE Hall of Fame Animal Wing by none other than legendary former Monday Night Raw commentator Jim Ross.
As the longest-reigning champion
in WWE history, Bruno Sammartino was thrilled upon learning of his induction into the WWE Hall of Fame Animal Wing.
"Sure, there was a lot of negotiating
between myself and Vince Jr. to get here, but doggone it, I'm happy that we've come to terms," Sammartino said. "Wait, what
was that you said after 'Hall of Fame'?"
While Sammartino, known as "The
Living Legend" throughout his career, never actually wrestled with, or himself became, an animal, he did once feud with a
young George "The Animal" Steele.
Also, if you squint, he kind of
looks like a bear.
"Quite frankly, we were quite
frankly happy to be able to give Bruno, quite frankly, the respect he so rightly deserves, quite frankly," laughed Vince McMahon.
"Ahahaha-HA! Get it?"
Sammartino will be inducted into
the WWE Hall of Fame Animal Wing by Triple H, who will then pedigree the Italian-born grappler on stage.
