|
Two quick items of business before we get
to this week's TWS:
First, you may have noticed that I directed you last week to a column that at that point didn't,
technically, exist. Well, call me Snitsky if you must, but it wasn't… my… FAULT!!!
The webmaster at Online
Onslaught had delayed publishing it because he died or somesuch. Anyways, it's out now and it's STILL one of my favorite columns
ever (EVER!!!). Please check it out at this here link - no swerve this time, I swear.
Second, I would very much like YOUR
input on the subjects of future True Wrestling Stories. Drop me a line at CanadianBulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com, or better
yet, let me know what you think in the World Wrestling Insanity forums. No, please - that's okay - I don't feel at all slighted that I received less
feedback on my last column than The Fake Jim Cornette has. (Sniff) Now I know how John Cena must feel to not be loved…
With that out of the way… why am
I choosing Cowboy Bob Orton this week? Newer fans (e.g. the ones that think The Fake
Jim Cornette is legit) may only remember Orton as the guy who was fired from WWE recently after spilling his HIV-tainted blood
all over The Undertaker. But in reality, he has a long and storied history in the industry.
Or at least, he's about to.
Saddle up and join me for the era you'd most likely associate with The True Wrestling
Story of Bob Orton, namely the late 1800's, in the wild west.
Chapter One: The Magnificent Seven
The West
was won by seven people, really: Jesse James (not to be confused with Road Dogg), Doc Holliday, Wyatt Earp, Buffalo Bill Cody, Wild Bill Hickock,
Billy The Kid and Cowboy Bill Orton, who changed his name to Bob to avoid confusion amongst his colleagues.
It was a much simpler era, one where differences weren't resolved by political strife,
hearty debate or lawsuits. You didn't like someone - you just kind of shot them.
These seven folk were legendary gunslingers;
some would say they were outlaws of a new age (not to be confused with The New Age Outlaws,
although the coincidences here are becoming quite disturbing).
By the way, I have NO CLUE how I'm going to spread this
shit out over ten chapters, but let's see where it goes, shall we?
Chapter Two: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Orton became known as the fastest draw in the West,
although that had less to do with his gunfightin' abilities than it did with his prowess in the bedroom. Hey, ladies, there's
a reason he was called "Ace".
Bob "agreed to part ways" with the Seven Bills,
wishing them "the best in future endeavors", and found himself a new posse. Unfortunately, two of them were just 1930's-era
spaghetti western actors, and couldn't really help Orton battle the sheriff or other no-good cowboy authority figures.
I
mean, come on. Look as those two wimps! They look as if they fell out of a silent movie, dancing around and lip-synching while
gay-ass piano music shit plays in the background. Ya know? Cowpokes, indeed.
It was soon time for Orton to move on,
and find himself a better group of heels to hang out with. Not coincidentally, it was also time for me to move on, and find
myself a better running gag.
Chapter Three: Gunsmoke (Not to be confused with "Gunnsmoke")
Orton soon began associating with Ma Gunn's
boys, better known to the world in later years as the notorious Billy and Bart Gunn.
Bart could often knock out a rustler
with a single blow to the face, and then disappear into obscurity for years. Billy, on the other hand, would keep getting
pushed by… um, Promoters of the Olde West, even though he clearly sucked. He
was a degenerating ass man who later turned out to be a king, gay, and then straight again.
Billy would later go on
to form the James Gang with… nah, that's WAY too many Road Dogg references for
one column.
While Bob enjoyed his role as clearly the only talented guy in the trio, he knew he'd have to move on.
I mean, come on, the fucking Smokin' Gunns?
Chapter Four: High Noon
After a brief partnership with his amigo
Kid Muraco, Orton decided to go solo for a while.
Many times, Bob would walk
into a local saloon, waiting for some poor varmint to shoot his mouth off, before they took things outside. Invariably, the
fighter would pull in their horns and head for the hills, but not before Orton delivered his crushing superplex off the top
of a nearby trough, a move that's been known to end just about any scuffle, or as you kids them call them these days - "street
fight".
Hmmm, let's see: four chapters down, six to go…
Chapter Five: The Outlaw Josey Wales
Orton's reputation as a fighter
made him a powerful tough man around these parts (Thornhill, Canada, that is; no idea if he was nearly as feared in, say,
Texas).
Many a night, after a bender of grub, whiskey, sasparilla and whatever the hell else cowboys had, Orton would
start jawin' with some poor buckaroo. Then, full as a tick, Orton would beef 'em, contributing heavily to the local bone orchard.
I
LOVE cowboy lingo!
Chapter Six: Unforgiven (Not to be confused with the PPV)
It wouldn't be long before Bobby O (he HATES that
name, by the way) ended up in the local calaboose for rustlin' cattle, and on a lesser charge, murderizin' folk.
Strangely
enough, Bob wasn't the only wrestler at the time among America's most wanted criminals. Other people on that infamous list
included Marty Jannetty, Scott Hall, and ironically, Chris
Harris and James Storm.
He was tried by the local sheriff, who was also acting as judge, jury and executioner,
for some reason:
Sheriff Austin: Look atcha! Yer pathetic!
Orton: What?
Sheriff Austin: WHAT?
Orton:
But I don't understand what I've been charged wi…
Sheriff Austin: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Orton: Oh, dagnabbit.
I'll throw up the sponge. Just hang me, already.
Sheriff Austin: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Chapter Seven: Brokeback Mountain
Orton was soon sprung from jail by Blackjack Bradshaw, he of the famed Blackjack family (Mulligan, Lanza, Windham, etc.). In
return for his freedom, Orton was asked to… uh, well, let's put it this way: Chris Kanyon,
the character (but not the real person; hell, maybe both) was the first person in wrestling to openly discuss it.
And
you thought JBL's shower tales were raunchy…
Chapter Eight: The Wild Ones
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
Y'all
may remember the famous Flower Shop shootout of 1876, which was part of the House Show tours of the Olde West.
It all
began when Orton started fixin' for a scrap with one of the region's top outlaws, his former compadre "Rootin' Tootin'" Roddy Piper, who was accompanied by "Snakebelly" Adrian Adonis
and Jimmy "Mouth Of The West" Hart.
Orton: I held our team together!
Piper: Youuuuuuuu! You and your
little hat, you think you scare me, 'uh? I eat cowards like you for breakfast and spit ya out!
Orton: Piper, when
the hell did you get so senile?
Piper: Lemme tell ya… Youuuuuu are the Marilyn Monroe of wrestling! I saved the
wild west from Hulk Hogan, ya know…
Orton: What?
Sheriff Austin: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Orton
was so confused that he actually lost the shootout. But because it was just on a house show and never shown on television…
the whole thing never happened.
Nonetheless, during the scuffle, Orton injured his arm, requiring a plaster cast that
he still wears to this day.
Chapter Nine: Lonesome Dove (not to be confused with that lame show Bret Hart used to be on)
Fed up with backstabbing partners, bank robberies gone awry,
and a constant stream of bad cowboy clichés, Orton rode out of town on horseback and chuckwagon (not pictured), never to be
seen again…
… OR WAS HE?
Come on, people. As though I'm going to break tradition now and end this
thing at nine chapters…
Chapter Ten: Young Guns
Yes, Orton returned years later with a brand new
group of rough and tough hombres, headed up by his son Randy "Douchebag" Orton.
Whereas
father was best known for his straight-ahead sharpshootin' style, the son, dumber than a herd 'a cattle, earned his reputation
by frequenting whorehouses and leaving some cow chips in the wenches's gym bags.
But that, my friends is a story for
another day. Maybe your precious Fake Jim Cornette can fill you in on that one.
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian
Bulldog.
|
