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First of all, I just wanted to make a cheap plug
for myself, right here… tonight… on World Wrestling Insanity (thumbs up)!!!
I direct you to "Eight Is
Enough", which should be up on http://www.onlineonslaught.com by the time you're reading this. I think its one of the funniest things I've
written in a while. Please check it out if you get a chance.
Now, on to this week's True Wrestling Story. A lot of
you folks may be thinking: Bill Apter? The guy who writes for all them Apter Mags? He ain't no wrestler!
I have to
correct to you there: "ain't" is not very good grammar. Also, Bill no longer writes for The Apter Mags. Also, he has a long
and storied career in the "squared circle." It was never really reported in his family of magazines because he felt there
would be a conflict of interest. Yet they had no problem writing all those WCW magazines for years; go figure.
So in
order to better educate you stupid marks on his fascinating 30-plus year ring career, I bring you… The True Wrestling
Story Of Bill Apter.
Chapter One: Mark Magazines - A Brief History
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Come on,
try and tell me you've never seen these magazines before. Hell, you probably have a dozen sitting on your dresser-drawer RIGHT
NOW. Fess up!!!
From wrestling's "boom" period
in the mid-1980's up until the last time the business was popular (e.g. right before TNA debuted), it was hard to pass by
any type of convenience mart, book store, grocer, delicatessen or massage parlor without seeing many of these magazines gracing
the bookshelves.
Sure, they all had slightly different names: Pro Wrestling Illustrated; Inside Wrestling; Outside
Wrestling; Wrestling Inside Out; Wrestling Superstars; The Wrestler; The Jobber; The Jobber To The Stars; Wrestling '89; Wrestling
'88 Even Though It's Really 1996 Now; etc., but they all had one thing in common: they were completely, 100 percent controlled
by one man, none other than William "Bill" Cornelius Jonathan Marilyn Bertram Shatner Apter
II. Or "Bill Apter", for all you stupid marks out there.
Chapter Two: How'd He Do It?
By the
way -- "how'd he do it?" ain't a particularly great use of grammar, either …
So you must be wondering: how did Bill find the time to create approximately 16,000
pages of copy each month? Wasn't he busy flying around the world to catch a "No comment, fat boy. Woooooooo!" from Ric Flair
in the heel locker room? Didn't it take a lot of time setting up a "One On One" phone call between two heated rivals, such
as Eddie Gilbert and Jerry Lawler? Did he really force wrestlers like the newly unmasked Kane to sit down with him and go
through the façade of a "PWI Press Conference"?
The answer is NO, you stupid marks! Bill made everything up that ever
happened in those magazines. Whenever you read comments by Larry Zbysko about wanting revenge on "that spudhead Paul Diamond",
it was actually Bill quoting himself. If you ever read about Bobby Heenan's secret conspiracy theories to destroy Hulk Hogan, it all came from Apter's fertile imagination. Remember when Bruiser
Brody was allegedly stabbed to death in Puerto Rico? Another tall tale concocted by Bill to sell more magazines.
You
may have noticed that PWI and its ilk had a large staff of other writers, but sadly, they were all really Bill as well. So
no, there was never a "Stuart M. Saks" or "Liz Hunter" in PWI's employ. Same thing with heel columnist "Eddie Ellner" and
lovable drunk "Matt Brock". All of the writers over the years -- be they "Andy Rodriguez", "Dr. Sidney M. Basil", "Kostya
Kennedy (KEN-NE-DY!)", "Dave Rosenbaum" or "James Guttman" -- they were all figments of Bill's imagination.
According
to one tenant who worked next door to PWI's offices, "Bill was always screaming at himself, pretending as though he was holding
a 'staff meeting' about, say, where to place The Road Warriors in the top ten tag team rankings each month."
"It was
weird."
Yet, during all this, Bill wasn't known best for his writing/schizo skills -- he'll always be remembered as
a championship-caliber athlete.
Chapter Three: This Should Probably Be Chapter One, But Whatever
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In the 1970's, the wrestling business was broken up into territories. It wasn't like everything is now, with essentially
one promotion (ROH) dominating all the headlines. It was an era that was custom-made for a young Bill "The Bruiser" Apter.
He
would enter California's Olympic Auditorium and feud with the likes of Fred Blassie and John Tolos. In Detroit's Cobo Hall,
he could always be counted on to draw money with The Original (Non-Iron) Sheik. In the old WWWF territory (now known as WWWE),
he headlined Madison Square Garden against the likes of Bruno Sammartino and various other Wrestling Stereotypes. In the Midwest,
he would routinely take on Whoever The Fuck Was Wrestling In The Midwest.
Chapter Four: King Of The Battle Royale
Many of you probably thought that Andre The Giant was the biggest winner of battle royales, but then again,
that's why you're all a bunch of stupid marks.
No, the truth is: Bill traveled across the country in the late 70's
and early 80's, telling "the office" (his parrot) that he would be away on magazine business, and then entering various battle
royales. And of course, he won every last one.
You may notice in the above photo that The Iron Sheik and Paul Orndorff
are beating on Bill so hard that it appears as though his head isn't quite the right size anymore.
You will find that
as a recurring theme in most of this column.
Chapter Five: Once A Horseman, Always A Horseman
Yes, the rumors can now be confirmed: Bill Apter was once (briefly) a member of The Four Horsemen. You probably don't
remember this period because you're (say it altogether now) a bunch of stupid marks. It was the same show where Dusty Rhodes
booked himself to go over Mikhail Gorbachev.
Unfortunately, the Horsemen were forced to kick him out of the elite faction
once they discovered an editorial in the May 1986 edition of "Sports Review Wrestling" entitled "Why Tully Blanchard is Probably
Gay."
Chapter Six: Crockett Cup Memories
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After
splitting up with Flair and company, Apter began teaming with Rhodes as the "Pro Wrestling USA" team, which not coincidentally,
was also the name of one of the Apter Mags. They won the prestigious Crockett Cup, which had been won the year before by Rhodes
and Someone Who Has An Eerily Similar Physique To Apter.
Rhodes and Apter went through the cream of the crop that the
National Wrestling Alliance tag team scene boasted at the time: Hacksaw Butch Reed and Jack Victory, Rick Steiner and Ranger
Ross, The Ding-Dongs, The Mulkey Brothers, and in the finals, Norman The Lunatic and The Juicer.
Hey - it's STILL way
better than the tag team situation on Raw right now!
Stupid marks…
Chapter Seven: Movin' Along To McMahonland
In 1989, Apter did something he swore he'd never do: he left the world of wrestling in tiny armories and barns for
$30-a-night payoffs and "sold out" to Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Federation.
Like any other veteran that entered
the company in those days, Bill was forced to change his name to the more marketable Rex The Rasslin' Reporter. Ironically,
the WWF also prevented him from giving himself interviews in the Apter Mags.
During one memorable appearance, he teamed
up with none other than Hulk Hogan on Saturday Night's Main Event against the unlikely duo of Macho Man Randy Savage and Eddie
Ellner. They gave the following interview beforehand:
Mean Gene Okerlund: Hulk Hogan, Rex The Rasslin' Reporter, what
about it?
Hulk Hogan: Well, ya know Mean Gene, me and Rex are pumped up, brother! Let me tell ya somethin', brother!
We've been climbing the peaks of the highest mountains, brother! We've been swimming across the Atlantic Ocean, brother! We've
been injecting ourselves in the ass with needles, brother! But not in a homosexual way, brother!
Rex The Rasslin' Reporter:
Don't forget to buy PWI!
Mean Gene Okerlund: He must be referring to WWF Magazine. Vince, Jesse, back to you…
Sadly,
Apter left the promotion shortly after turning on The Hulkster (but who didn't in those days?). Burning bridges with both
WWF and the NWA, and fed up with stupid marks like you, Apter retired from the business forever.
… OR DID HE?
Apter resurfaced in 1996 as the mysterious benefactor to the new World order. Eric Bischoff, who will probably get
blamed for this in an upcoming WWE DVD for some reason, explained that Apter had made millions over the years selling his
magazines to (ahem) you stupid marks, and was now able to finance the anti-establishment faction.
"Billionaire Bill
has come here to pay for the lifestyle of the new World order, brother," said Hollywood Hogan in an interview on Monday Nitro
(the episode handily beat Vince Russo's Raw on the channel, headlined by a makeout session between D-Lo Brown and Mark Henry).
``We know that this brother will brother brother brother brother, brother, dude."
Still, welcoming a new ex-WWF star
into the faction every second week didn't have the same thrill others may have thought that it did. After Bischoff fired him
via email (bastard was too lazy to even send a Fed-Ex this time), Apter decided he wanted to get back into the ass-kicking
business (a/k/a wrestling).
Chapter Nine: WWF Apterttude - Get It?
Bill made amends with that stupid mark Vince McMahon in late 1999 just in time to create the company's hottest angle
to date.
Everyone can relate to living out the dream of becoming a reporter, wrestling for 30-plus years, and then
giving your boss a stunner.
"Look atcha in yer little suit," (which is another example of badder grammar, FYI) Apter
told McMahon during a live Raw (which handily beat a Russo-booked episode of Nitro, headlined by Billy Kidman vs. I'm Not
Sure, I Wasn't Really Watching). "WHAT? WHO? WHY? WHERE? WHEN? HOW? Yer pathetic! Apter 3:16 Says I Just Fact-Checked
Yer Ass! And that's the bottom line 'cause…"
Chapter Ten: The Aptermath
Despite the success of his "New York Rattlesnake" gimmick, there was just one prize that had eluded Apter his entire
career: any form of championship belt whatsoever.
That all changed during one special evening: WrestleMania 20 1/2
("The One Not Available on DVD"). It took then-World Heavyweight Champion and former Wrestling Eye intern Triple H to agree
to put Apter over.
"Sure, it not may have been the best decision for the business, but is that really the only thing
that matters here?" The Game said during a recent edition of Byte This, which was unfortunately the same day that The Heart
Throbs were on and thus has been deleted from the archives forever. ``Bill really wanted to win this one, and dammit, I wanted
to be the one to do the J.O.B. I mean, isn't that what this industry is about? Giving everyone a turn to live out their dream?"
After
HHH tapped out clean to one of Apter's numerous submission holds, the ex-journalist grabbed a microphone and addressed his
legions of fans, the ones who always supported him no matter what.
"This one," Apter said proudly. "Is for all you
stupid marks out there. WE DID IT!!!"
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.
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