Today not only marks my grand return to this "True Wrestling Story" crap, but it's also the grand return of The Undertaker to the world of science fiction.

For tonight, in this very ring, the wrestler known as "The Dead Man", "The American Bad Ass", "The Phenom", "Big Evil", "Booger Red" and occasionally, "The Charismatic Enigma" will revisit his science-fictional (is that even a word?) roots in a battle of ECW legends: That's right -- Taker vs. The Big Show.

Who will win? To tell you the truth, I really don't care. But this as good a segue way as any I'll ever have to introduce The True Wrestling Story of The Undertaker.

Now, I know that WWE announcers (Michael Cole, I'm looking at YOU) have tried to feed you a lot of hooey about Taker's background over the years, but I'm not going to insult your intelligence, gentle readers. He was born Mark Calaway on March 24, 1965 in Houston, Texas, according to reliable news source Wikipedia.

And no, he wasn't REALLY born to a family of funeral directors, and he isn't REALLY related to Kane, and he can't REALLY summon the powers of the urn, and I didn't REALLY molest that old woman in Greenville eight years ago.

Calaway was an exceptionally bright child and studied to become a scientist. During an experiment gone horribly wrong, he leapt into time, appearing in the forms of people who were alive during his life. He was helped only by Ziggy, a supercomputer, and Al, a hologram, leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap... will be the leap home.

Submitted for your approval: Mark Calaway, a young professional wrestler who is apparently auditioning to become one of The Road Warriors, trying to make a living by rolling around in his underwear with grown men.

While paying his dues, this young wrestler is forced to endure low-class accommodations, pranks from his co-workers and most importantly, a lack of respect.

Ironically, he can only make a good "living" at it once he "dies" and becomes champion of such practices when he makes it in the business some time later. And when he does, Calaway finds out that he has to endure the same scenarios over and over and over again.

Is this a case of life imitating art, or payback being a bitch? Rest in peace, Creatures of the Night, because you've just crossed over into… The Impac… er, I mean Twilight Zone.

Speaking of science fiction… Mark headed to World Championship Wrestling in 1989, enjoying a run with Dan Spivey as The Skyscrapers tag team, which in no way was meant to copy the World Wrestling Federation's Twin Towers duo that debuted six months earlier, no sir.

Later, Calaway, then known as Mean Mark Callous, would become managed by Paul E. Dangerously for a short spell before moving over to the WWF.

Oh, and what's with Gollum managing them? Look, around this time, WCW featured Beetlejuice knockoff The Juicer, Wizard of Oz knockoff Oz, a Satan-worshipping Kevin Sullivan, robot from the future Lazer-Tron, escaped mental patient Norman The Lunatic and Dustin Rhodes, who was able to fend off five-on-one sneak attacks in a single bound.

Compared to these guys, Gollum seemed fairly normal.

Calaway debuted in the WWF in November of 1990 at the Survivor Series pay-per-view as The Undertaker. Shortly thereafter, he dropped Brother Love as his manager and hired on Paul Bearer (real name: Mort Isshun).

Taker's early WWF days were successful ones. He manhandled mid-card competition such as Koko B. Ware, Superfly Jimmy Snuka and, uh, Jason Voorhees with relative ease. Then he moved on his biggest feud to date.

During a taping of Bearer's late-night talk show The Funeral Parlor (he took over from Arsenio Hall), Taker locked The Ultimate Warrior in an airtight casket, causing the former WWF Champion to lose his mind and spew quasi-intellectual ramblings and hold dangerous political views for the rest of his life.

Such a commendable act could only be rewarded one way: Giving Undertaker the prestigious WWF World Heavyweight Championship (motto: "At least our belt doesn't spin… yet").

On November 27, 1991, The Undertaker defeated reality-television superstar Hulk Hogan at the Survivor Series pay-per-view for the first of what would be way too many world championships.

He had a lengthy first title reign, at least if you're counting it in seconds, because he dropped the strap back to Hogan six days later at the "This Tuesday In Texas" PPV.

Despite Bearer's lobbying, Taker did not receive a customary rematch at the "This Wednesday in Washington" show, nor did he at "This Thursday in Tallahassee" or "This Friday in Frankfurt".

What it did give Taker, however, was his first taste of power.

After spending years on the dark side, The Undertaker discovered the true power of the force and turned good. And that my friends, is why Darth Vader is more of a man than Taker will ever be. You'd never see The Dark Lord of the Sith tattooing "Padme" on his neck like some other pantywaists I could mention.

Anyhoo… Taker soon traveled to the desolate plant of Deathvallia, where he began training to become a Main Event Knight.

"Win… or win not. There is no job," croaked his ancient, balding mentor (Hulk Hoda). "Win all your matches, you must, before a true Main Event Knight you can become, brother."

The Force with him, Taker began vanquishing his foes, such as Jake "The Stormtrooper" Roberts, Kamala The Hutt, Boba Bundy and Giant "Gamorrean Guard" Gonzales. Hey, I'd like to see YOU do better, jerk!

The horrors just kept coming Undertaker's way…

In 1994, Yokozuna destroyed Undertaker, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled his own clone (possibly Yoko under a mask) and came out victorious.

In 1994 1996, Yokozuna Mankind destroyed Undertaker, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled his own clone Mankind and came out victorious.

In 1994 1996 1997, Yokozuna Mankind Kane destroyed Undertaker, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled his own clone Mankind Kane and came out victorious.

In 1994 1996 1997 1998, Yokozuna Mankind Kane Stone Cold Steve Austin destroyed Undertaker, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled his own clone Mankind Kane Stone Cold Steve Austin and came out victorious.

Oh, wait -- he didn't come out victorious during that last one.

In 2000, Undertaker decided to change his image slightly from a symbol of death to a gay biker. Seeing as this has little to do with science fiction, let's move ahead to the next chapter, shall we?

It took about three years for the gay biker gimmick to run its course, thus Taker needed something else to do.

In 2003, Kane destroyed Undertaker during a "Buried Alive" match with former WWE World Champion Vince McMahon, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled Kane and came out victorious.

In 2003 2004, Kane Heidenreich destroyed Undertaker during a "Buried Alive" match with former WWE World Champion Vince McMahon, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled Kane Heidenreich and came out victorious.

In 2003 2004 2005, Kane Heidenreich Randy Orton and Mohammad Hassan, in separate incidents, destroyed Undertaker during a "Buried Alive" match with former WWE World Champion Vince McMahon, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled Kane Heidenreich Randy Orton and Mohammad Hassad, in separate incidents, and came out victorious.

In 2003 2004 2005 2006, Kane Heidenreich Randy Orton and Mohammad Hassan, in separate incidents, Mark Henry destroyed Undertaker during a "Buried Alive" match with former WWE World Champion Vince McMahon, and many figured he'd never be seen from again. Six months later, Undertaker battled Kane Heidenreich Randy Orton and Mohammad Hassad, in separate incidents, Mark Henry and came out victorious.

In 2003 2004 2005 2006 -- no, wait 2006 is still right -- Kane Heidenreich Randy Orton and Mohammad Hassan, in separate incidents, Mark Henry The Great Khali destroyed Undertaker during a "Buried Alive" match with former WWE World Champion Vince McMahon, and many figured he'd never be seen from again.

This week at The Great American Bash, will he come out victorious? Or will he become another victim of… The Twilight Zone?

For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and Online Onslaught and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at CanadianBulldog@worl​dwrestlinginsanity.com.