By the time you read this True Wrestling
Story, I will be dead.
That's not entirely true. But it did
grab your attention, didn't it?
Canadian Bulldog: King of The Kick-Ass
Actually, where I will be by the
time you read this is… fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. That's right -- Vegas!!! Sin City. America's Playground. The
City That Never Sleeps. The Happiest Place on Earth. The Big Peach. Gateway to the Rockies. Steel City. The Big Easy. Gotham.
Brew Town. The Big Smoke. The Windy Apple.
In addition, it's also the storyline birthplace
of a certain former WCW mid-carder who made a career out of proving his critics wrong. Sure, he was never the biggest guy
on the roster (well, except for under his current employer), and he was never the best technician, or the most innovative
in the ring, or even the fastest, strongest or most talented guy out there, but the point being, he was there for his
Except, of course, for the times he left
promoters high and dry. But honestly -- I don't even give a shit, because I'M ON MY WAY TO VEGAS, BAY-BEE!!!
With that, here's The True Wrestling
Story of Kevin Nash.
Above: Kevin Nash and NBA standout Steve
Kevin Nash was born in Detroit,
Michigan, according to the web site Wikipedia. Of course, this being on Wikipedia, who knows if that's really true? For example,
I just added our humble webmaster to the cast of the hit television series Family Matters. (If my entry gets removed by the time you all read this, it said that he played "Uncle J.G. Winslow" for several seasons.)
What else did Nash do in his pre-wrestling
career? Does it really matter? All right, all right -- he followed the usual checklist of early jobs for a grappler:
- College sports
- Odd jobs
- Bouncer in Atlanta area
- Worked on a Texas loading dock
- Endured several years in his father's
- Spent 10 years in an Australian prison
for armed robbery
- Mixed martial arts
There you go. Happy?
Above: Kevin Nash and legendary Canadian
news anchor Knowlton Nash.
Nash got his wrestling start through the
company that would set the stage for an entire career in laziness: World Championship Wrestling.
In his debut with the company, Nash was
packaged as Master Blaster Steel, which sounds like a video game for Sega Genesis or something. "Dude, I just cleared
the final level in Master Blaster Steel!" "Oh, yeah, well I'm up to level eight in Heavy Metal Van Hammer."
Nash wisely realized that the gimmick was
too cartoonish to get over, so the powers-that-be in WCW rechristened him Oz.
Yes, that's right, they named his character
after a FICTICIOUS PLACE from a children's movie! At least had they gone with, say, The Tin Man or Toto, audiences
could have related to him, but Oz?
I mean, what the hell? Was the name Planet
Of The Apes being used by someone already? And even if they were trying to make him The Wizard Of Oz (oh, I forgot,
that was his MANAGER), what, was he supposed to grant people wishes or something? Did he ask opponents to bring them the head
of the wicked witch? Was he going to turn out to be a fraud who sailed away in a hot air balloon? Really now -- WHERE WAS
THE UPSIDE IN THIS GIMMICK????
Fearing that the well thought out Oz gimmick
was a little too silly, the powers-that-be in WCW rechristened him Vinnie Vegas.
Actually, the "sleazy lounge singer" gimmick
is hardly the worst one in wrestling history (that distinction belongs to Oz), but what hurt Nash from the outset was that
he had the World's Lamest Entrance Music, a whiny guitar riff playing over and over again. And this was the worst music
by WCW standards!!! To this day, whenever my brother and I hear a repetitive, wailing guitar-intensive heavy metal song, we look at each other and say "WCW theme song".
Before WCW could give him a fourth gimmick
(he was scheduled to play a grappler based on the Scooby Doo
character), Nash found his way to the World
Above: Kevin Nash and fictional television
character Nash Bridges.
Nash had all of the qualities the WWF was
looking for at the time. Namely, he was tall.
He was immediately cast as the bodyguard
and lover of then-Intercontinental champion Shawn Michaels. Renamed Diesel (hey, at least its better than teaming
up with Big Sky), he helped Michaels in matches against Razor Ramon. Then he teamed in matches with Michaels
against Ramon. Then he, personally, won the I-C title from Ramon. Then he lost the title to Ramon. Then he won the title from
Ramon again. Then he lost the title to Ramon again.
Wow -- that's more repetition than an "ECW
on SciFi" marathon…
Above: Kevin Nash and… well, you
Nash eventually broke away from Michaels/Ramon
(in the storylines, anyways) as a babyface (I love saying "babyface", by the way. It's just so… un-wrestling) and was
given his biggest push to date.
On November 26, 1994, he defeated Bob
Backlund for the WWF World Championship in Madison Square Garden. The match only lasted eight seconds. When questioned
about the decision, bookers gave the following rationale:
WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO SEE A 20 MINUTE KEVIN
NASH-BOB BACKLUND MATCH???
Above: Kevin Nash and obscure 80's musician
Nash The Slash (Oh, go ahead - Google it if you don't believe me).
As WWF Champion, Kevin Nash set the world
on fire. Or maybe The Kliq set some jobbers on fire backstage, I'm not sure (Hey - the hell do you want from me? I'm
leaving for Vegas in just a few hours). Somebody set something on fire, is my point.
At WrestleMania XI ("Not The Good
One"), Nash defeated former life partner Shawn Michaels to retain his WWF title. To give the match a "Hollywood" feel, the
company signed a bunch of television B-listers to assist Nash, including but not limited to: Home Improvement's Jonathan
Taylor-Thomas, NYPD Blue's Nicholas Turturro, The Jenny McCarthy Show's Jenny McCarthy, Baywatch's Pamela
Anderson-Lee-Kid-Rock-Bulldog and Family Matters' Uncle J.G. Winslow.
Nash would hold on to the belt until November
19, 1995, dropping it to Bret "Hitman" Hart, allowing Bret to have yet another major Survivor Series victory.
Nash turned heel shortly after that and
targeted The Undertaker, which culminated in an epic match at WrestleMania XII ("Go figure, we're actually IN Hollywood
this time and can't find any celebrities").
Shortly thereafter, Nash agreed to part
ways with the WWF. They wished him the best in his future endeavors…
… OR DID THEY???
Above: Kevin Nash and Russell Crowe
from the film "A Beautiful Mind", playing mathematician… that's right, John Nash.
…they most certainly did not.
Nash returned to the home of his greatest
successes (aside from the WWF), with a unique twist. He showed up during wrestling's popular "InVasion" angle (back when it
was known as the nWo; which spell-check without fail keeps re-typing for me as "now". ARGH!!!) He was again working with Razor
Ramon, whose name was then shortened to Scott Hall.
Dubbed "The Outsiders", they added a third
person to their squad (Scott Norton) and became the most feared faction in wrestling. And that's the story of how Eric
Bischoff won the Monday Night Wars for 84 consecutive weeks.
For "The True Wrestling Story of Eric Bischoff",
I'm Canadi… oh, wait. We're not done yet? DAMN IT!
DON'T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE I HAVE GAMBLING
Above: Kevin Nash in, ahem, Nashville.
Like most great wrestling storylines, the
nWo (or, if you prefer, "now") was beaten into the ground, thanks to the additions of the nWo Wolfpac, nWo Elite, nWo Hollywood,
nWo 2000, nWo Black and White, nWo Red, White and Blue, nWo Green and Peach, nWo Teal and Mauve, and nWo
Once the stable began to crumble, Nash
moved onto less controversial pursuits, such as: booking himself to end the undefeated streak of WWI message board favorite
Bill Goldberg, laying down for Hollywood Hulk Hogan after a vicious fingerpoke to the sternum, dropping The
Giant on his neck during a botched powerbomb, no-showing several live events, making himself tag team champions with "Diamond"
Dallas Page, and faking a heart attack to get out of at least one pay-per-view appearance.
By 2001, World Championship Wrestling and
Kevin Nash agreed to part ways. They wished him the best in future endeavors…
… OR DID THEY???
Above: Kevin Nash and American poet
Ogden Nash (Ogden Nash??? Okay, now I'm just stretching…).
… they really didn't care. WCW was
out of business by that point, allowing Nash to sit out the remainder of his contract at home.
Not unlike how I'm going to sit out the
rest of this chapter (oh, COME ON, people! You know I do this at least once every "True Wrestling Story").
Above: Ax, Smash and Nash.
Nash returned to the WWF in 2002, reuniting
the now with Hall and Hogan (Yes, I realize it says "now" there. I don't care anymore. Maybe spell-check will learn its lesson
if I don't do it's work for it).
Faster than you can say "WWF was renamed
WWE because of a copyright lawsuit", the nW… er, the faction was disbanded and Nash was on his own again. Thrilling
feuds with WWI favorite Triple H and dinner-theater actor Chris Jericho did little to win over the hearts of
disillusioned stupid marks everywhere.
Oh, and did I mention that Nash severely
injured himself WALKING ACROSS THE RING??? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - WHAT A LOSER!!! (Oh, and in case Nash is looking to take up
that particular insult with me, I can be found this week in… uh, Toronto.)
Above: Kevin Nash. What???
Nash re-surfaced in November 2004 as a
heel in the Total Nonstop Action promotion (Motto: "WCW Lite"), aligning himself once again with Hall and future TNA Hall
of Famer Jeff Jarrett. The faction lasted about as long as the lWo, only it made less of an impact (pun not intended).
Two "injuries" and several pay-per-views
later, Nash resurfaced as an enemy of the X Division (Motto: "WCW Cruiserweight Division lite"). He poked fun of wrestlers
in the division, such as Chris Sabin and Jay Lethal, who also sounds kind of like a video game name. "Dude,
have you seen the new PSP version of Jay Lethal: Vegas Nights?"
Oooh, did someone say "Vegas"? Yeah, okay
that was me… Sorry, but, unlike Kevin Nash, I've gotta run.
For True Wrestling Stories, I'm