Lowlife UK pre2000 Diary

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Lowlife Gig Diary

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10.12.1999, Empress, Bradford, UK w/Lemon Enema, Vanilla Pod, Jon Does, Whizzwood and The Undesirables

So we put on a few bands, I say we, Stoney does the work, I take the credit. It's not a great turn out, but then again, not too bad, seen worse. Too near Xmas for the paupers of Bradford, saving up for their whip 'n' tops and tangerines! We let Lemon Enema headline as we decide to get stoated, after all it is our gig. So on we go, its the usual Empress job, drunken bastards shouting down the mikes again, abuse, getting dragged off the stage. Stoney belts someone with his mike, which makes a right noise. Said person later on in evening sits at front of stage and throws up down the inside of his t-shirt. We get a better class of person at Lowlife gigs.

28.11.1999, Mucky Duck, Rochdale, UK w/Ex Cathedra, Panic, Short 'n' Curlies, PMT, W.O.R.M. and Ciderfelts.

So after hobnobbing with the big boys, its back to reality then. We don't get there until around sixish, to find out we should have been on already. Ah well, should have told us to get here sooner then. The Short 'n' Curlies are on now, standing in for us, we're on next. Get a pint watch the rest of there set, when, BANG, BANG, BANG, all hell breaks loose. Well there's a little scrap anyway. Something to do with politics or something. Why argue about politics, when there's more important things to get bothered about like the scandalous price of beer and fags in this country! So we go on, myself looking resplendent in long black wig and Death Metal t-shirt, doing my best impression of Spinal Tap. Whoosh, what was that, oh yeah that was it going straight over everyones' heads. Anyway decide to get people annoyed by saying that there should be more scrapping at gigs. Bring back fighting, make punk exciting again. Yet again its straight over half the peoples heads. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but its fucking funny! How not to make friends and influence people.

27.11.1999, Rios, Bradford, UK w/Stiff Little Fingers and Weeve.

So we get to play with the almighty SLF! Bloody spudpickers! The place is packed which is good, and we come on first. I feel young, there must be a few bus pass owners in here tonight. Half the crowd take notice, the other half stay at the bar, drinking their halves of Mackesons stout, and their sherrys. Stoneys' dads turned up which is good 'cos he forever gets the ale in. We shout abuse at people, there's a lot of middle aged women here, surely a lithe young thing like me can get a sniff tonight. Nah, no chance. By the end of the set every buggers watching, some enjoy it, some just curious, most in disbelief. It takes balls not to give a shit I tell you. Balls and stupidity! Mind you SLF's roadies say we're the best support band they've had in 10 years. I think they've been on the white lines again.

25.11.1999, Bucks, Oldham, UK.

We get a phone call from Nat who used to put on gigs in Rochdale. She tells us she's found a place in Oldham, that wants to put on bands. We say maybe. She says they pay £80 guaranteed. We say definately. At the end of the day, money speaks louder than words. So we go, and we're the only band on, so we have to take everything which is a pain in the arse, as Stoneys equipment alone would fill 2 artics! Get there, what a surprise, another rough hole. Set up and start. Some bloke pissed as a cunt has been annoying us since we got there. Can I sing a song, I write me own stuff, I could do that. Fucking Manc's! All gob and shite haircuts. Find out he's just out of prison. Should lock up every cunt in Manchester if you ask me. Anyway to say theres probably 5 or 6 punks and the rest are just curious locals we go down well. I reckon its 'cos we're gobbier than any of 'em! Enjoy these gigs more than most. Its a challenge, seeing if we can get through the night without getting chinned.

17.11.1999, Adelphi, Hull, UK w/Whizzwood, Nonsense and Luna Suit.

Who in their right mind puts on a gig the same night as England vs Scotland at Wembley. Quite honestly. We fly up the M62 and get there in time for kick off. Tell Dan (Whizzwood) that we're not going on till after game, so we miss all the bands! Oh well! Any road England play worse than a group of one legged, blind Ethiopians and the Jocks beat 'em. So we go into the other room get on stage and play. It's full of young kids tonight so we put on more of an attitude than normal. Teach 'em young, Punks about being bitter, twisted and angry, not songs about your girlfriend leaving you. Get over it, use your hand its better. It goes down well with half the people, the other half sit there looking confused, maybe slightly miffed, but very, very silent! Good gig, shit football team, get that god botherer Hoddle out now!!!!!

30.10.1999, Studio, Hartlepool, UK w/The Eclectics and The Undesirables.

Another Saturday in Hartlepool. We play here a lot now, mainly 'cos its a good night out afterwards, and people actually seem to give a shit. Even better is this one as Stoney's side band the Undesirables are on first. I honestly think there's something wrong in his head. It's bad enough doing one band, why on earth would anyone want to do two? Suffice to say they get more grief and shit than any band in the history of music, and its all justified. Must say, they're trying, very trying indeed. The rest of the band carry Stoney who is a talentless moron, but suddenly we come on and he's learned to play again. It's good as it always is up here. We have the bright idea of letting Dave have another bash at singing. It's the last time the Bramley foghorn shall ever hold a mike. Put these words into a sentence "Lead balloon, Like a, Goes down". Funny point of the evening was a certain person who shall remain nameless, coping for a lovely looking young lass, getting her phone number and everything. 2 days later, phones up, asks for the lass, whos' name is scribbled down on a bit of paper and is hard to read, a women answers and says there's no one here of that name, Certain person says she was in Hartlepool on Saturday night about 20- 22. Women replys "that'll be my daughter, she's only 14". Certain person shits hisself puts down phone and goes to listen to his Gary Glitter album.

22.10.1999, Nexus, Bradford, UK w/Lemon Enema.

Lemon Enema again! We only play with them 'cos we look fucking gorgeous at the side of 'em and therefore all the women will flock round us, thinking we're lush! Oh yes choose your support band well, never get younger or better looking supports, they get the girls. The Nexus anyhow is tucked away by the Uni and if you blink you'll miss it, but its cheap ale,£1 a pint so here we are. Its getting videoed as well, I do hope they get my good side. Tonight for one night only, the spirit of Keith Moon, Dave "Morbious" Thompson our fantastic drum king, sings a song for all the ladies. The song in question is "500 miles" by the Proclaimers, and the boy done good and brings the house down. I quickly kick him back where he belongs and tell him not to get any fancy ideas. Finish playing, get paid, get free beer, and fuck off home only to have to wash up our lasses puke from the kitchen floor. Bet John Lennon never cleaned up Yokos puke.

07.10.1999, Charter Arms, Rotherham, UK w/Freaks Union and Not By Choice

Well this is nice, a posh boozer, whatever next. We're on first for some reason, I think it's 'cos we blagged on at the last minute. What's this? Fuck me it's a cordless mike. Oh what fun to be had. Spend most of the set legging it round the room, into the toilets and upstairs. Good laugh. The promoter comes up after, and actually apologises for the state of the venue. What are you on pal, its like Buckingham Palace is this place compared with most

02.10.1999, Fenton, Leeds, UK w/Lemon Enema, Short 'n' Curlies and Whizzwood

LEEDS IS A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME. BOLLOCKS TO IT!!!!!!!!

25.09.1999, Red Lion, Ashton-Under-Lyme, UK w/Propagumbies, V.O.R. and D.F.A.

Played Ashton before, but not this place. When we get there find its another shithole boozer trying to make a bit of cash by putting on dodgy bands. Theres another fairly decent crowd, which is nice and we find out that we're headlining which is also nice. Theres 2 Italian skinhead birds here, so I spend most of my time trying to impress them with mastery of the Italian language. Quattro Fromaghhi, Paulo Rossi, Juventus, Mamma Mia. They look at me as though i'm from Mars, although when I say Inter Milan, I get a reaction. From the reaction I get i'd say they were AC fans. Oh well i've done my bit for Anglo/Italian relations, its time to play. It's 11 o'clock and still we wait. We eventually go on at 5 to 12, fantastic. The landlord has to keep his eye open for the old bill, 'cos he doesn't have a late licence or a music licence. Probably doesn't have a TV licence either but there you go. The people who stay enjoy it, I decide to drum on a couple of tracks and for a change it ends up in a shambles. Winner! Go to a local curry house' cos Keith tells us it has a magic table where women bear their breasts. Sadly it doesnt happen, but I think Stoney bears his hairy arse as compensation.

09.09.1999, Studio, Hartlepool, UK w/Loaded 44.

So up the A1 we trundle again, to play with the UK Subs. Get there and shock,horror, they aren't playing. We are a jinx, bands are always pulling out when we play. Probably 'cos we're so fucking good it hurts. And all their birds fancy us an all. Yeah thats what it is. Anyroad, theres a lot here to see the Subs, and instead they get us, UN-FUCKING-LUCKY. They stay though, and seem to enjoy it. We flog more gear, including some dodgy bootlegs that Micks run off on his CDR at home.Punk for Profit. Some old punk comes up to tell us we're the best band he's ever seen. I tell him he needs to get out more.

21.08.1999, Angles Centre, Wisbech, UK w/Short 'n' Curlies, Imbalance, Urko, Breezeblock and 98 High.

We roll into carrot crunching central around 5 o'clock and it's roasting hot. This was it, British summertime, all 36 hours of it. Yet again we have somewhere to kip, so yet again we procede on the long and arduous task of getting twatted! So anyhow its time for us to go on, so we head upstairs to where we're playing, and theres a good few in. 3 notes in, and there off, we get a cracking response from the inbred Worzel bastards, beating the fuck out of each other. Start swinging off the rafters, and almost break my neck when I fly off. Great gig!<BR><BR>

10.08.1999, Mucky Duck, Rochdale, UK w/Mexican Overdrive

A Tuesday night in Rochdale.The bright lights, the glamour, oh yes we're living the high life alright. Get to the place to find that glue sniffing is all the rage round these parts. It's like 1982 again. Pass the evo stick, love! I can't believe how many people are here. It's packed. I think we're the only source of entertainment to play round here since Mike Harding 10 years ago. Spend the majority of the gig on top of the crowd (yes, a crowd at a Lowlife gig, whatever next), and finish the set, only to be called back for an encore. My god! Rochdale, you rock!

16.07.1999, Cumberland Arms, Newcastle, UK w/52 Pick Up.

Back to the Toon, the day before my birthday, so lets celebrate it by going to the biggest dump of a pub in history and drinking some Mcewans bollocks that tastes like month old dishwater. Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate. So the first band play and give me a massive headache. It's not their fault, most bands give me a headache these days. Its all noise these days, not like when I was a lad. So then we play, it's average, but better than sat at home.

10.07.1999, The Clarendon, Hartlepool, UK w/W.O.R.M.,Joe 90 and Grillo.

The Clarendon is the boozer over the road from the Studio where we normally play. So we find out its upstairs and its a fair size, and theres quite a few here. Also its £1 a bottle of budweiser or £2 for 2 (thats what the sign behind the bar says). Well we're staying at Chris's(Undesirable/Monkey Hanger/Slapnuts)tonight so lets get the buds in. Finally get to the part of the evening where we have to play and start, I sound like fucking Davros. The PA is appallingly bad. Nothing we can do about it, so play well, sing like shite. Nothing new there then!

12.06.1999, The Bull, Hull, UK w/Vanilla Pod, Imbalance, Whizzwood and The Pedantics.

We manage to blag onto the bottom of the bill at this one, so it gives us something to do on the way back from London. Funniest thing today is watching Hippy John absolutely shit himself, driving over the Humber Bridge. Didn't tell us he was scared of heights. So we get to the Bull and go on at half past six. Decide to do a set of covers, which goes down well. Finish and go to the chip shop next door for something called patty/pattie/pate? Bloody lovely it is.Sit around talking to people, then the lass putting on the gig comes outside and asks us to play again, so up the stairs we go and voila set number 2.Piece of piss this punk lark innit

11.06.1999, Highbury Garage, London, UK w/Murphys Law, Gundog, Set Against and 17 Stitches.

Watching the yanks suffer is a great source of amusement to me.Andrex's sales have doubled today.So it's London, to play the "Evilfest". The only thing remotely evil about it is the watered down shite that they call beer. Dave has brought his Leeds scarf with him, so we come on stage, scarf aloft and stand there shouting "Leeds,Leeds,Leeds" and dodging various projectiles heading our way.Probably all Man U fans, I don't know.The place is heaving, and we have a big pit and even stagedivers, although I think they were diving off, 'cos Stoney stank so much. Finish playing, and some bloke is here doing interviews for the telly(later find out its the bloke who does Ali G), I leg it, but Stoneys in his element talking complete shite to him. Even Mick got interviewed, but it brought back bad memories of the last time someone interviewed him(oink, oink).Afterwards go to some club that gets us in for nowt. It plays nothing but Metal bollocks, not even good metal like DC or Twisted Sister, but fucking garbage.It has a VIP area, so me and Dave go sit in there and talk to the bouncers, one of whom looks remarkably like Reggie Kray!<BR><BR>

10.06.1999, Rio's, Bradford, UK w/Murphys Law and John Holmes.

Back home again, and once more theres people here and people dancing. I can't fathom Bradford out at all, and i've lived here 30 years. Anyway best gig so far of the tour, probably as we're all reasonably sober, 'cos we know how shite the beer is in here. Murphys Law play well too, and tell us they want a curry. We take them to a cheap but nice place we know, and ask them what they want. Jimmy and Poss say vindaloos. We say no you don't. They say yes we do, so vindaloos it is. It's funny watching a fellow man suffer! And they'll suffer even more the next day!

09.06.1999, Fillibuster & Firkin, Darlington, UK w/Murphys Law and Homebrew

England are playing today, so after a lovely country drive (and no we haven't crashed yet), we arrive in time for kick off. Sit at the bar with "It's all punk rock" Neil, and drink myself stupid at yet another woeful England performance. Then realise that we're playing soon, then realise that theres no one here. Mind you I don't particullaly care as its guaranteed money anyway.The gig starts well, then slowly slips away from us, just like the England performance earlier. Oh well, never mind, commiserate by going for pizza

07.06.1999, Foundary, Birmingham, UK w/Murphys Law and Snap Her.

So back in Blighty we are, and we're doing the English leg of the Murphys Law tour.We get Hippy John to drive and after the first 20 miles stop at the services to ring up my mother to tell her I don't think i'll ever see her again. Anyway we get to the Foundary which we've played before and it was dead to find, well its dead again. Whats wrong with Birmingham? Apart from their stupid accents! Anyhow we play to the masses and it's alright, not brilliant, but alright. Me and Dave go down the road where theres a gym with a completely glass front on it, get some chips and perve over the middle age women in leotards

02.05,1999, CBGB's, New York, USA w/???????

Not strictly a gig as such. It was the day before we went home and we went on a pub crawl around New York (which is a bit better than a pub crawl around Batley i'll tell you). We end up at CBGB's and its showcase night with all these bands on. We get talking to a Russian Death Metal band (I couldn't make this up), who are playing, and ask them if we can do a song. They agree and voila on the stage we are. We do a 30 second song, which had me introducing it for 2 minutes, put down the instruments shake hands with the Ruskies and walk out of the door and round the corner to the next pub. Thank you very much America and goodnight!

30.04.1999, Masquerades, Atlanta, USA w/Murphys Law, Mad Caddies and The Smooths.

The day started well. I went for a walk on Daytona's beach around 7 o'clock this morning (i'm an insomniac). This women comes up and we start talking as you do. I thought "eh up i'm in here" either that or she's going to ask for some spare change. Nope, as I tell her how nice it is here and that i'm from England, she turns round to me and says "thats nice, Have you let god into your life?". I shit myself more than when the fat Mexican threatens to shoot me. It's one of them weird cults that you'd see on Jerry Springer or something. I can see it now "Singer from no-hope band Lowlife disappears". I suppose we might at least sell some cd's then. Anyhow on to the gig, it takes us 8, yes 8 hours to get there, and like 2 nights previous we get there 3 minutes before we're due on. The place is huge, like an aircraft hanger, and it looks empty, though I think its just because of the size of it. We do a stormer, probably the best gig of the tour musically. Finish playing and go down the front to observe the sights of Americans talking in Irish accents, Americans who think the Macc Lads are skinheads, and Americans who do not understand my sense of humour. What do I care, i'm pissed again, and it cost nowt!

29.04.1999, Orbit 3000, Daytona Beach, USA w/Murphys Law, Fortitude and Eleventeen.

This was good was this one. We get to the place and its in the middle of what I could only describe as a retail park. The promoters had set up a BBQ and we get a keg of beer. Its roasting hot and its heaven. If theres any English promoters reading this take note, we got fed and watered, beer and food, not a poxy fucking £10 and a cheese fucking sandwich! Best thing of all is that its an all ages show, so theres no beer supposed to be allowed. So I go outside and trade beer for spliff, excellent! Stoneys off on one again. Get a hat Stoney and keep the sun off your fucking head! We play, we play well, its a good turn out and the jobs a good one. Theres one or two fights break out, but at least it keeps it interesting. After the gig we go out looking for food, and go to a place called Dennys, where we meet the real life Boomhauer from King Of The Hill.

28.04.1999, Sapphires, Orlando, USA w/Murphys Law and The Silver Tongued Devils.

Day started well by eating with BB King! Well he was in the same restaurant. Yes thats right Lowlife may be scum, but we eat in all the right places. Ideas above our station. So we're off to Orlando, home of Mickey Mouse, and after spending all day dodging alligators and aardvarks to get there, we arrive at the Sapphire, just as the support band is finishing and 10 minutes before we're due to go on. Not a great gig, but then again not a bad gig. Highlight for me was the waitress coming to us halfway through a song with a tray of drinks, stopping said song, drinking the drinks, then carrying on. Told you it wasn't particullary memorable. Afterwards go to some place called Hooters, eat boat loads of oysters, then spend the night wanking myself to death.

27.04.1999, Spankys, West Palm Beach, USA w/Murphys Law, Belligerants and Gigolo Big and the Barflys

When we heard that we were playing a place called Spankys, all sorts of visions of blokes in leather peaked caps and YMCA on the jukebox sprung to mind. Get there, and its this big sports bar, and we're playing outside at the back. It's also 90 degrees, and all us Limey bastards are dying a death.Jesus Christ! Anyhow theres a lot of people here, and they're all tanned as fuck, and most of them are toned up as well. So we come on looking like 4 pregnant Caspar the ghosts, survey the scene, which was a good 75% skinhead and decide in our infinate wisdom to play a straight up cover of "Sweet Home Alabama" as our opener. They love it, god bless these Southern boys and gals! Yeee Haaa!!!! Anyway good gig, and good support bands to boot. Afterwards sit round the front drinking with some people, when some fat little Mexican type takes offence at us from being from England. Tell him very nicely to go forth and multiply. He goes to his car and comes back with a fucking gun. Now English people and guns don't mix, i'll tell you, and I fucking leg it! Stoney the big daft bastard stands there shouting something like "come on you cunt i'll stick that gun up your arse". He reckons he was being brave and hard and all that, I reckon it was the sun and the beer that turned him into a prize nugget. Anyhow the coppers come and its all over, and to this day Stoney still goes on about this like it was his last stand or something. I'm still trying to get the stains out of my pants.

26.04.1999, Velvet Elvis, Savannah, USA w/Murphys Law.

So we're off at last, 4 days after our American debut, we're in Savannah. Already we've all put on weight, due to non-stop eating and drinking. Everyone i've talked to who's toured says that they lose weight, don't eat right etc. Fuck that, I don't think i've ever eaten as well. Get to the Velvet Elvis (great name), to find its free ale for the bands. Oh poor misguided fools, never say its free ale to 6 English blokes abroad. Anyway we play and its great, people dancing, good sound. Finish playing, and go sit at the bar to watch Murphys Law. Stoney and Dave decide to get up to them. Dave comes back with blood pissing from his eye, Stoney comes back on one leg, the other going a darker shade of purple. Bloody poofs! All this hard, English hooligans abroad act, and the pair of them get twatted by some 14 year old skateboarders. Finish the night by nicking a couple of lasses bikes and bezzing round the streets pissed as arses! Then back to the hotel (yes another hotel) for more beer and food!

22.04.1999, Coney Island High, New York, USA w/Agnostic Front, Murphys Law and 5 Minute Major.

Who'd have thought it? A bunch of talentless, ugly fat bastards like us get on a plane and go over the water to the States, not for a holiday, but to actually play. It still baffles me to this day. It's been a long day, and by the time we get to the gig, we've been up 22 hours and i've no idea whats going on. Go to the Irish bar 2 doors down to clear my head a bit. Anyway we open up the billing, to at first a completely bemused audience. Realise that if people in Manchester, which is only 30 miles away, can't understand me, then theses poor bastards certainly won't, so talk slower in my best Dick Van Dyke accent. Thats better. People are beginning to sus us out now. By the time we end our set we have a pit going and haven't been shot. They understand our humour, then again anyone with an IQ over 20 understands our humour. Celebrate by going back to the Irish bar for more of the black stuff, and on the way back to the hotel, yes thats a hotel people, get a take away curry which you wouldn't feed to your dog, but tastes alright to me!

03.04.1999, Empress, Bradford, UK w/Dropnose.

Guess what, we're skint again! So back here we are for some easy money. The good thing about the Empress is that we always play on Saturday, so we can have a couple and not have to worry about getting home or getting up in the morning. Play every song we've ever done or know, or don't know for that matter, and I think we're on for almost 2 hours. Mind you an hour and a half of that is abuse to the audience. Fall down the back of the chairs and can't get out, much to peoples amusement. We're becoming a bit like the Barron Knights.........on crack!

26.03.1999, Corporation, Sheffield, UK w/The Skoidats.

Is there anybody out there? We'd played the Corporation before, but in the smaller room. This was the larger room, and its empty, and I mean empty. If theres 30 people, thats an exageration. The bars in a seperate room, and theres probably another 20-25 in there. Notice that we're not on any flyer, and no bugger knows we're playing. Mind you its a great sound, and at least it's a free practice, so bollocks to it. Decide not to drink after the last 2 shows, and feel quite glad after finding out Guinness is £2.40 a pint, and a bottle of Bud is £2.20. Fucking robbing bastards!

13.03.1999, Rio's, Bradford, UK w/Vanilla Pod, Rampage, One Car Pile Up, Imbalance, Violent Affray, Joe 90 and Jon Does.

Stoney for some bright reason, has the idea of putting on an all dayer at Rios featuring bands who we said we'd get gigs for in Bradford. Anyhow the day comes, and fuck my old boots if its not packed. After the last performance at the Garage, we say that we'll lay off the ale, until we're done. By the time we do get on, Mick can hardly stand, it takes me 10 minutes to fasten my shoelace, Stoneys on a cloud somewhere and Dave decides its more fun trying to drum whilst on your back. It takes about 4 attempts to start, but once we do get going it's good. Probably more comedy than music.

27.02.1999, Highbury Garage, London, UK w/Dropkick Murphys, U.S.Bombs and Bombshell Rocks

I decide to go to London the day before the rest of the band to stay with my mate Yeti. So on the Saturday, myself, Tina (better half), Yeti the cockney and Harry the bastard, set off to the Garage at dinnertime, stopping at various pubs on the way, doing pints and whiskey chasers. This really is the only gig that I cannot remember doing. We can't have been too bad as we sold out of t- shirts and sold loads of cd's. Also ended up with 4 Bombshell Rocks t-shirts, 3 cd's and 4 Dropkick Murphys singles, though I don't know how. I'm beginning to feel like Ozzy Osbourne.

09.01.1999, Studio, Hartlepool, UK w/Joe 90 and Gumption.

So another new year, and what better way to celebrate it than to go to the 'Pool and get ratted. And ratted we get. Fall off the stage at one point and fuck my leg. Still got the scar to prove it! Dave decides to make every song twice as long for some reason best known to him. Some lad comes up and shows us the local paper, we've got a section to ourselves. I now know we have finally made it at last. There can't be much goes on up here if we can get in the paper. I think it was a choice between us and a jumble sale at the local school. Anyway the idiots want more, so we do more and end up doing "Just a Gigolo". For the ladies of course.

15.12.1998, Fillibuster and Firkin, Darlington, UK w/Assert, One Car Pile Up and Dropnose

This is some sort of Christmas gig. It says on the flyers free beer and stuff. Well theres no free beer, but theres scran and free cds by loads of bands i've never heard of, but if its free, i'm having 'em. It's not a particullary great turn out, but these bastards up here will have been saving up for Christmas since August, so its no surprise really. Not a memorable gig by any means, but worth it for the freebies!

03.12.1998, Packhorse, Leeds, UK w/Freaks Union, Homebrew, Dead Pets and Sicksty Nine.

The Packhorse has suddenly become our new Rios. We seem to be there every other week. This was your typical, piss poor, badly organized gig. The first band seemed to play longer than every other band on the bill put together. We eventually play for a grand total of 15 minutes, and even if I do say so myself for that 15 minutes WE ROCK. Thing is I don't get knackered doing 15 minutes, any longer and i'm fucked! Get paid and laugh so much, think i'm going to explode. Easy money.

23.11.1998, Foundary, Birmingham, UK w/One Car Pile Up and The Buggers.

Spent last night in a lay by, just outside of Cambridge after a night on the ale and a curry. Wake at 5 in the morning dying for a shite. Think to myself drive to the next services. Drive all the way to Coventry. The worst journey of my life. There was several close calls, especially around junction 26, where I nearly lose my load. Anyway get to Birmingham at dinnertime and wander round various shite shops. See that bird from Brookside, Jimmy Corkhills daughter, can't think of her name. Highlight of my day that. Even ring up the wife to tell her. As the day goes on, I start feeling worse and worse.Just before we go on to the assorted handfull who have turned up, I chuck. Brilliant! We open with a storming version of Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, for the Ozmeister himself. I then procede to barf two more times during the set. GG Allin, read it and weep!

21.11.1998, 5 Bells, Wisbech, UK w/One Car Pile Up and Breezeblock.

Thank christ I don't have to drive today. It's a right trek to Wisbech from Hartlepool. We eventually arrive early evening, and it looks a harmless enough place. Until I go into a pub to ask directions. Well if you've seen the film, "AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON", you'll know what i'm on about. Soon as I walk through the door, theres a deadly silence. I ask the barman where the 5 Bells is? He tells me, and i'm half expecting him to tell me to stick to the road.Soon as I go back outside, they start talking again. Fucking carrot crunching bastards! Anyway get to the 5 Bells, and it's rammed, and I mean rammed. Full of kids. They start dancing when we're tuning up, and fuck me, do they dance when we start playing properly. One of our best gigs ever. Had to laugh on the way in, when the flyer describes us as pop punk. After gig procede to literally drink the pub dry, and leave around quarter to three when all thats left is some dry cider.

20.11.1998, Cumberland Arms, Newcastle, UK w/One Car Pile Up

Me and Stoney are taking turns to drive the van. Tonight i'll drive. So on the way we stop at Morrisons to stock up on beer, fresh doughnuts and bombay mix. Suffice to say I was fucking glad to get to Newcastle. The Cumberland Arms is what you come to expect of a pub that puts on punk gigs, i.e. its a small, smelly, shithole. Theres only a few in, which I don't understand, as last time we played up here it was packed. I later find out that no one knew we were playing. Anyhow play well to the few who have turned up, one of whom is a lad called Benny who insists we stay at his house. We tell him we're staying in Hartlepool, to which he goes off on one, yelling "fucking monkey hanging bastards, i'll fucking kill 'em, fucking cunts" etc,etc. God bless Benny, great bloke.

19.11.1998, Packhorse, Leeds, UK w/One Car Pile Up, Mutt, Lemon Enema and Dead Pets

So tonight is the start of "THE WINTER WEEKEND BREAK" tour with ourselves and One Car Pile Up. What a start, we come on pissed as arses and launch into an appaling death metal song we wrote on the Tuesday night and improvised for 5 minutes screaming obsenities down the mike. Song finishes and theres a stunned silence. Fucking brilliant, we should do that more often. We then procede to make a right balls of every song we do. When a band says they have an off night, well this was definately ours. Mind you its only fucking Leeds, and we still get paid, ha,ha!!!!!!

23.10.1998, Rios, Bradford, UK w/Exploited, Rampage and Subjugator.

How many times have we done Rios now? Must be going on 20, at least it feels like it. Mind you i'd play here all the time if the turnout was like this. The Exploited have broken down on the way, although Watties probably gone to protest about a by-pass or something. So we play and wind the punk bastards up by telling them that we're doing a 3 hour set, and they won't be getting there money back, 'cos we've spent it on cocaine. Go down really well, and then the Exploited turn up and play a blinder, so jobs a good 'un.

26.09.1998, Packhorse, Leeds, UK w/Mutt and Dead Pets.

So it comes as no surprise after contant abuse and heckling of the other bands that they'd get there own back! Two songs in and from out of nowhere, BLAM!!!!, two custard pies, straight in the face. Except they weren't custard, they were squirty cream, so i'm half blinded and after another couple of songs theres a smell of sour milk emenating from about my person. Jesus i'm going to gip. Anyway we finish playing, and pack the stuff away. The next thing that happened is still one of the funniest things i've seen. Stoney (built like brick shithouse, self hyped hardman), decides to have a bit of a dig at Mark (from Mutt, can't sing and play at same time). They're having a go at each other as you do, when Stoney decides he'll try and get Mark in some sort of headlock or something. He lunges forward and WHACK!!!, Mark has taken his legs from under him and the big fella is down and not moving.We piss ourselves. The big bastard has been flattened by someone half his size. The moral of this story is...." Don't fuck with Mark of Mutt".

16.09.1998, Corporation, Sheffield, UK w/Link 80 and Lubby Nuggets.

Two gigs after Cat goes, Howling Mad Metal Ing has gone too, to pastures new and to get married and try to grow up and not carry on with the notion that were the best punk band in England. So after 2 practices, in comes Dave, a bloke who's never been in a band before, and we drop him in at the deep end. He makes a pigs ear of it to be honest, but its not his fault really, if you've never done a gig before its entirely different to fucking about in a rehearsal room. So we were pretty average, but cant have been that bad, 'cos we sold several cd's and got some freebies off Link 80,.........which was nice!

04.09.1998, Harrogate Arms, Harrogate, UK w/Lemon Enema, Dropnose and Homebrew.

Rah,rah,rah, we're going to smash the oiks! Harrogate, for those who don't know, is a town in Yorkshire that bizarrely is posh and full of hooray henrys. The place is about 4 miles outside the town centre in the middle of nowhere. Get there and see the lads in Lemon Enema at the bar, so its comforting to know that we're not the only riff raff in here. Apparently we're headlining, which is news to me, so we stay upstairs at the bar. Anyhow as we go downstairs, the promoter decides that the ladies with us have to pay. I decide the cunt has ten seconds to fuck off before I stick Stoneys spare guitar up his arse. Needless to say they don't pay. Theres some gobby types having a go, fucking Union boys I reckon! The missus tells us to leave it, Micks missus tells him to leave it, Stoney has a go at some biker bloke, and we end up going home pissed off, 'cos we could have knocked several bells out of the toff twats! But you have to listen to the wife, she is the law.

24.08.1998, The Grapes, Sheffield, UK w/Violent Affray and S.O.V.

The Grapes is yet another tiny little hole, not even big enough to swing a cat in. It's Micks first gig with us, and its not a bad turnout. For some reason they have these lights on stands at either side of the stage, which at one point go crashing over onto Micks lass. Welcome to Lowlife. Theres also some pissed up old bloke who keeps annoying the piss out of us. He wouldn't be too bad, but he stinks like a sumos jockstrap, and I reckon the twats pissed hisself. Do a cover of stepping stone at the end with myself drumming and various oddballs screaming out of time down the mike.

23.07.1998, Rios, Bradford, UK w/Agnostic Front and Knuckledust.

Cats very last gig, he's decided he's had enough or can't be arsed or something. So we open up to yet another half empty venue of disinterested bastards. Gigs like this make or break a band, and we're too stubborn and stupid to really give a shit about what any last one of the bastards in here thinks. Vinnie Stigma gets up and sings???? one song with us, and suddenly people are interested!Fuck 'em!

09.07.1998, Studio, Hartlepool, UK w/Ellas Dust.

To the land of the monkey hangers we go. Get completely lost trying to find the place, but eventually get there, to find its an old church thats been converted into a club/venue. I can't go in, I scream and my skin begins to burn, the 666 on my head oozes pus and my eyes start to bleed. Then I find out Guinness is only £1.50 a pint and Hallelujah, i'm in. Quite a few in to say only a handfull have probably heard of us, and after a shaky start go down well. Even the landlady buys a cd, with takings from the till. Another resounding success!

08.07.1998, Duchess of York, Leeds, UK w/UK Subs, Jon Does and Punch Puppet.

Got asked to do this at the last gig, so said yes, 'cos after all it is the Subs. We do a 20 minute set, just after the first band and get paid. Money for old rope. Don't buy one beer in this overpriced hole, but have a lovely falaffel kebab with shit loads of chilli sauce, which is not a good idea before you do a gig. The Subs were great and good blokes to boot.

04.07.1998, Running Man, Halifax, UK w/One Car Pile Up, Vanilla Pod and Sicksty Nine.

I've had some great nights in 'Fax. Theres loads of pubs and the last train home is always good for annoying the piss out of townies by chatting up their birds. Get to the Running Man at 4 in the afternoon. We play in the conservatory part which is nice. The place is packed with young 'uns. Play one song and the place erupts. All the bands go down well. It was a great gig. Go back to Rios in Bradford and fall over.

27.06.1998, Highbury Garage, London, UK w/The Dickies, Speedurchin and One Car Pile Up.

Back to lovely London village again. Bottom of the bill once more, but its a good place to be as theres more time to sup afterwards. I'd driven down with the missus in our mean machine mini, and had no idea where we were staying, but I knew I wasn't going back that night, so get the guinness in we're having a gang bang, we're having a ball. Play to a fairly indifferent crowd I thought, of old bastards who made even Stoney look young. Then afterwards we sell 30, yes 30 c"fucking"d's. Read it and weep you bastards! Get wankered and spend the night, along with the missus and Geordie Harry in a mini outside some big house full of rastas. I piss in their dustbin for some reason. I love London!

24.06.1998, Fillibuster and Firkin, Darlington, UK w/The Dickies and Area 51

Darlington. Definate banjo plucking country if i've ever seen it! I'm nervous, I hope they aren't going to make me squeal like a pig tonight. Also what sort of a name is that for a venue, The Fillibuster and Firkin? It was all Red Lions And Dukes of York when I was a lad. Pub chains suck my scabby cock! No fucking atmosphere or 'owt. Never mind the place is packed, and the promoters already had a dig 'cos we're late. Play a blinder of a set, and do "Dead Cities" at the end with "It's all punk rock" Neil on vocals. Celebrate with several pints of badgers arse and an iffy kebab over the road.

27.05.1998, Rios, Bradford, UK w/The Misfits.

I do hope to god that they don't realise it was us that nicked the food! They're big fucking blokes these lads. Anyway back in our hometown once again, and for a change theres a load of people here, and for a change theres people dancing. For the first time ever I decide to go backstage, only to witness the sight of a bloke the size of gorilla, putting on facepaint and blow drying his hair. I've never been the same to this very day.

26.05.1998, Riverside, Newcastle, UK w/The Misfits and Snatch

We hire a bus with a driver and a video. We have become Motley Crue overnight! I find it hard to believe that a bunch of talentless fuckwits such as ourselves can get to play with the Misfits again.It's quite a big place, with barriers at the front, probably to stop the women getting to me! But whats this, the front row is all 14 year old boys in make up. I get strangely aroused, then see Stoneys hairy arse at the side of me and thats the end of that. Play really well, which is good to say its still our stand in drummer, but then again it is only punk, its not rocket science. Best thing of all is going upstairs where theres a load of food, and the staff think we're the Misfits, so we get a load of free scran, then we bugger off sharpish when someone susses.

22.05.1998, Royal Park, Leeds, UK w/Four Letter Word and Scarper

So our drummer, Howling Mad Metal Ing, can't do our next 3 gigs, as he's going to Ikea and watching the Brookside omnibus. So for the next 3 gigs we enlist the talent of Jon Does sticksman Ste, who's young enough to be my son, or Stoneys grandson. Also our debut cd is out at last (which we're still flogging to this day).What a gig to start flogging it at, more like an Armani catwalk than a punk gig. Mind you at least this lots had a wash! Flog 8 cd's and celebrate by going back to Bradford for a curry!

02.05.1998, Spread Eagle, Ashton, UK w/Grover, External Menace and T.C.P.

Now this is a class joint. On the wrong side of the pennines, but the right side of Manchester, Ashton is one of those towns, where its alright to visit, but it must be shite to live there! Anyway the Spread Eagle is a lovely place full of bikers and goths. The good thing about pubs like this is that the ales cheap, even though it turns your arse into a sub machine gun in the morning. So as for the gig, well lots of shouts of Yorkshire from us and various abuse. Went down well to the waifs and strays present. Another top quote "You were smart, just like Hendrix". Must be something they put in the Boddingtons.

27.04.1998, Highbury Garage, London, UK w/Murphys Law and Knuckledust.

Down to the old smoke it is then. Theres something about London that makes people from up North get a bigger bad attitude than they already have. We drink, we smoke, we play and go down really well and sell a shit load of gear. The bad attitude has gone, and i've become a lover of all things cockney, except the watered down ale! The promoter of the gig, is a bloke who used to put The Who on in the sixties. Cat nearly wets himself. The bloke then says to us " listen son, i've put a lot of bands on in my time, and you boys are alright, you've got balls", with which he gives us some ales. The way to any Northeners heart!

24.04.1998, Packhorse, Leeds, UK w/External Menace and The Jon Does.

Ah, lovely Leeds again. Theres quite a lot here tonight, obviously all come to see us. Anyway from what I remember we abused the crowd more than we played. It's easy in Leeds. No sense of fucking irony!

14.04.1998, Star and Garter, Manchester, UK w/External Menace and D.F.A.

So over the pennines we go, and it's freezing cold and snowing like fuck. Get to the venue and stood outside is a prostitute. Hope we get paid well tonight, in fact I wonder if they'll give us an advance? Anyway External Menace are stuck somewhere and they've got half the equipment, so we stand around for what seems like hours, and the snows getting gradually worse. Just as we're about to say "bollocks to this", they turn up. So we eventually play to a handfull of people who are daft enough to come out in conditions that would freeze the balls off a penguin, if penguins had balls!

31.03.1998, Victoria, Derby, UK w/Murphys Law.

So we get a driver in Yeti, to drive the van. What a good excuse to have a couple of cans in the van on the way down. What a bad idea when it takes us nearly half the day to get there 'cos none of us can stop pissing!The Victoria is a tiny place with the bar in one room, and the stage in the other. We could see what was going to happen, play to an empty room, whilst everyone is in the bar. So in Stoney goes, threatens everyone in the bar, and voila a full room. Play well, and get on well with Murphys Law. They tell the promoter of the tour if we don't play London with them, then they're not playing either, so we're doing London in a month. Come on you cockney wankers!

07.03.1998, Empress, Bradford, UK w/Lubby Nuggets and The Jon Does.

Back to the Empress, 'cos we're skint, and bugger me sideways if it's not packed.Thought to myself, "I'll stay half sober tonight", until before the gig, go to pub and find out it's 8 tequilla slammers for £10. Fantastic! Gig ends in a shambles with every man and his dog deciding to get on the stage and sing along. Divvy bastards!

10.12.1997, Royal Park, Leeds, UK w/The Write Offs and Wookie.

Downstairs in a shitty student pub in Leeds, we play all the class joints. The crowd is mainly skater types and pop/ska/student punk types. Theres a load of tables and everyone is sat round 'em like it's a working mans club or something. Anyhow first song in, jump on one of said tables, sending drinks flying. No one says anything. It's amazing what you can get away with, when your bald, tattooed and arrogant.

07.12.1997, Rio's, Bradford, UK w/Gang Green, The Weren't, Lubby Nuggets, Assasination Bureau and Blue Sneakers.

A Sunday night gig, and 3rd on the bill. It's a bit of a piss poor turn out, 8 years ago, Gang Green would have packed this out, oh how times change. It's all Green Day and Offspring these days. Anyhow yet again the sound is fucking abysmal, although we play averagely well. I'm sick to death of playing fucking Rio's, it's too big and the beers shite. Gang Green were good mind.

28.11.1997, The Grimscar, Huddersfield, UK w/ Oi Polloi, Dog On A Rope and The Write Offs.

Cats second organized gig and at least it's the right date. Only one slight problem, theres no P.A. Punk rockers don't you just love 'em? Eventually it arrives, we play, Stoney blows up an amp and bizzarely a load of crusties get up and dance. Lowlife are the new Crass!

26.11.1997, The Hallamshire Hotel, Sheffield, UK w/ Travis Cut and Hooton 3 Car.

Cat organizes a gig shocker! And what a surprise it's a cock up, we arrive a day too early. We were supposed to play on the 27th with Oi Polloi. Anyway luckily thers a gig on, and we manage to blag on to the bottom of the bill, and so to a grand total of 7 people we play. We play well mind!Also saw Prince Naseem driving round in a flash motor.We shall never mention this day again.

24.10.1997, The Empress, Bradford, UK w/ The Jon Does.

Another Bradford boozer that pays good money. This one is a heavy metal pub, which suits me fine. Remember kid's if you want to make money play metal, not punk. Pretty full, but thats 'cos its Saturday night and it's free in. Get the best compliment ever, when some metaller comes and tells us we're better than Warrior Soul???? Metal Ings mum comes. She actually stays, then gives me some abuse. The nerve of it!

03.09.1997, The Exchange,Bradford, UK.

The Exchange is putting on bands. We lie to them telling them we're a blues/soft rock band. You get £80 playing here. We have to do 2 sets, just like in the working mens clubs. After the first song the barmaids are shouting at us to turn it down, but the owner doesn't give a shit 'cos the place is full and the takings are up. Done a shit load of songs that we've not done since including "Fascist Pig" by Suicidal Tendencies and "Fuck the Kids" by NOFX.

09.08.1997, Cumberland Arms, Newcastle, UK w/ Slander, Rampage, Bloodshot, Grudge and D-P.W.A

Newcastle punks picnic. I know I say, i'll hire a mini bus. What a genious I am. Drive up to Newcastle for 1 o'clock and slowly watch everyone get shitfaced around me. Mind you it doesn't take some of the cunts long.I've never noticed before, 'cos i've usually had a few, but geordie punk lasses are all really good looking. Oh well can always have a quick one off the wrist then. Go down really well. Cat's wankered as usual, and yet again Stoney is a source of amusement to me after he takes a smoke on someones spliff, and turns into Jimi Hendrix.

16.07.1997, Rios, Bradford, UK w/ Dog Eat Dog and Horny Toad.

The day before my birthday, so I reckon a pint or two is in order. God I feel old, the place is packed, but everyones about 16 years old. The sound is abysmal, but thats support band sound for you. How can it change so much between one band to the next? It's beyond me.

22.04.1997, Duchess Of York, Leeds, UK w/ English Dogs.

Back to normality then. Playing to a largely disinterested crowd (I use the term crowd loosely, more of a small gathering). We're not that bad are we? Who says punks not dead? Maybe not but it's in a fucking coma!

19.04.1997, Rios, Bradford, UK w/ The Misfits, Sub Zero, Iron Monkey, Sardonica, Vengeance Of Gaia, Keneivel and Snub

So after hibernation we are back to play with the almighty Misfits, and we're on at 4.15 in the afternoon, so we're all reasonably sober, and play well and tight.Wonders will never cease. Go down well, which restores my faith in it all.

03.01.1997, 1 in 12 Club, Bradford, UK w/ Dawnraiser.

3 people and a dog. Must congratulate Stoney for pissing off the sound guy that much that he fucked off and went before we'd even played! It's freezing too! Both bands do 20 minutes, then piss off to the pub.

30.11.1996, The Packhorse, Leeds,UK w/ Panic and Fokke Wulf.

I like the Packhorse. It's small, hot and stinks. Suits us down to the ground. Nice curry house just down the road too. The lass putting on the gig has made some scran as well. I love this band lark. Food 'n' ale, what more do you want? I'm actually quite getting to like Leeds as well, must be my age.

29.11.1996, Rios, Bradford, UK w/ Warzone and Backfire.

Yet another gig at Rios that we don't have to pay into .Fantastic! Well worth half an hour making an arse of myself.All I remeber of this one was that Warzone were fucking brilliant!

14.09.1996, The Broken Doll, Newcastle, UK w/Rampage and Bullweek

Two months later and we're back up sunny Newcastle to the sumptuous surroundigs of the Broken Doll. So on come local nutters Rampage, Jesus Christ on a shitty bike, quite amusing seeing Stoneys new guitar which was at the back of the stage getting covered in beer and spit and having half of a pint glass sticking out of it.If a grown man could cry.Went down really well with plenty of people up jumping about. God bless the Geordies!

20.08.1996, Duchess Of York, Leeds, UK w/ Lagwagon and Skimmer

Always wanted to play the Duchess. Every Tom, Dick and Harry has played here. From what I remember played quite well and people seemed to like us. Whys the ale so fucking expensive here though? It's not London is it? Didn't bother watching the other two bands as it was like a sauna and i felt like shit.

16.08.1996, Rios, Bradford,UK w/ The Business, Assassination Bureau and Lemon Enema.

The Business. Haven't played in donkeys. Tried playing London last week and it got smashed up. So here we go then, playing to a crowd who how can I put it, are slighty edgy and to be honest a waste of fucking time. Might as well have stood on stage and farted down the mike for half an hour. Then some cunt decides to have a go, so a quick word to the lads on the door and voila the best bit of the night watching the twats head bounce off every step on the way out. Quite amusing.

27.07.1996, The Broken Doll, Newcastle, UK w/Bullweek and Green.

Bradford goes to Geordie land, and what a turn out! There's the bands and a barmaid a couple of cockroaches and thats it! The cunt putting it on hasn't advertised it at all. So one hastily made sign later, saying free entry and we've nearly doubled the crowd and they love it the daft geordie twats!

06.07.1996, The White Hart, Grimsby, UK w/Mutt and Dog On A Rope

Our first proper out of town gig (Leeds doesn't count). Fantastic, Fish & Chips only 99p.What of the gig? Well not a good idea to play whilst the boxings on live really but there you go.and god bless the Cat for getting shit faced as only the Cat can.

11.06.1996, Rios, Bradford, UK w/Madball, Ignite and Rykers.

Stoney must have sucked some serious cock to get us this one. Don't remember a lot of this 'cos i'd had a couple of halves, but I do remember annoying some German bloke by spilling beer on him every 30 seconds or so( I mentioned the war once but think i got away with it).Good gig and the septics liked us as well.

07.06.1996,The Packhorse, Leeds, UK w/Headache and Dead Punk.

So to scummy Leeds we go! Don't they all talk funny over here. Leeds bastards. Anyway for some reason theres a lot of French people here, and a lot of people who need some deoderant.They don't have manners like us nice Bradford lads.Anyway both bands make us sound talented which is no mean feat I tell you.

02.05.1996, Rios, Bradford, UK w/Face Down, Above All and Lounge

Well in the space of 1 month we've moved 1 place up the bill. This is Heavy Metal heaven. The main band are drinking Jack Daniels out of the bottle, and surprisingly we go down well and even have our first ever dancers. Fuck punk, metal rules, now wheres my coke?

01.04.1996, Rios, Bradford, UK w/Peter & The Test Tube Babies and Elmo.

Almost 9 months later (doesn't time fly when your doing fuck all), and we were back, complete with new drummer, Howling Mad Metal Ing, or Neil to his mum, and some actual songs. So this is what supporting a name band is like eh? Hells Bells, if people are going to stand at the bar and ignore us, i'll have to make sure they can't fucking ignore us. Anyway the Test Tubes were good and we got in for nowt so there you go

04.07.1995, 1in12 Club, Bradford, UK w/Baby Harp Seal and Slick 50.

Big Mick Teales last gig, and only just made this one, as Prisoner Cell Block H was on tonight, but as we were first on, he could get the bus home in time.It was some benefit gig for some bloke in some prison somewhere. Why do we pretend we give a shit, quite honestly. Our sound now had been redefined and we only sounded like one dying hyena rather than a pack!

17.06.1995, Rios, Bradford, UK w/The Motivators, Assassination Bureau and The Raker Men.

Ahh, Rio's! Little did I know that we'd play there every fucking week for the next ten years at that point. Don't remeber much of the gig, except for 4 young metallers who bought us pints, swearing blind we were better than Pantera. Jesus!

01.04.1995, The Smithy, Bradford, UK.

Here we go then an afternoon gig at the Smithy with promises of being paid £20 plus beer. In turn we did tell them we sounded like the Sex Pistols. Also told them we had an hour set, when it was 20 minutes best. Ended up playing covers like My Generation, Wild Thing, Louie Louie and most bizarrely Happy Birthday by Altered Images, although it didn't sound anything remotely like it.

16.03.1995, The Beehive Inn, Bradford, UK w/The Motivators.

First ever gig, and what a performance. Never in the history of popular music has an audience looked so bewildered, confused and afraid! With no songs longer than a minute and nothing vaguely resembling a song a truly great first gig.