Lord of the Rings:
Fellowship in Tights
Author's Note: I know what you're thinking: Not another parody!!!! Well, I know it's been done before and everything, but I think if you gave it a chance, you'd like it. There are paths that are taken that weren't before, so keep that in mind. This story follows more the movie than the book, so keep that in mind as well. Also, chapter one is a little slow, so stay with the story for a few chapters and I guarantee it'll pick up. I hope you enjoy it!!!!~Waenrantiel (Queen of the Smiles :) ) and Beleglótëiel (Queen of the soy!) PS Hi Lady_Nauruin and Faramir!!!!!!
It's a quiet evening in bag end. Frodo and Bilbo are sitting in the living room next to a roaring fire. Bilbo is regaling Frodo with a story from his youth. Frodo is sitting on the carpet in front of him riveted.
Bilbo: And then, after the dwarves and I ran from the trolls, we
Frodo: Yes, yes?!
Bilbo: UmFrodo, I know it is a great story and all, but, stop doing that every time I get to something good okay? You're too eager. And you're 33, get up off the ground, this isn't a children's library.
Frodo gets up, clears his throat, and sits in a chair.
Bilbo: You know, Frodo, this birthday party is going to be so much fun!
Frodo: What's so special about it?
Bilbo: (smirking secretively)Well let's just say I'm going to disappear suddenly using a magic ring that I found in a cave and go to Rivendell to live with elves and you'll never ever see me again. But I'm not saying any more.
Frodo: (to himself) I wonder what he's being so secretive about. Hmmmm Well I'd better be off I am to meet Pippin and the guys for a round of buds!
Bilbo: Well, it'll have to wait, my party is tomorrow, and I still have to name you my heir. So you just sit tight or you don't get all of the cool stuff I told you about
Frodo helps Bilbo with all the preparations the next day and the party is a huge success
Pippin: Great party Frodo!
Merry: Yeah. Hey, what happened to you yesterday? I thought we were supposed to go for drinks at the Prancing Pony. You know how long it took us to get there? It's in Bree!
Frodo: Yeah sorry guys. I had to help my uncle get ready for his party. Why couldn't you have just gone somewhere closer?
Merry: Are you kidding? They serve ale in pints!
Pippin: It comes in pints?!
Merry: Uh huh! Well anyway, I have a feeling we'll all be going there again in about 20 years.
Frodo: You do?
Merry: Yeah. It's weird.
Pippin: Ok, well, time for us to find something to blow up.
Pippin: Yeah, time flies.
Frodo then notices Sam sitting by himself at a table. There are six large tankards of ale around him, and he wavers in his seat.
Frodo: Sam, why don't you go ask Rosie for a dance?
Sam: (sways dramatically and looks at Frodo squinting) Oh, Mr. Frodo s'you. (looks over his shoulder at Rosie) No, I think I'll just have another ale.
Frodo: Sam, I think you've had enough...
Sam: (grabs Frodo by the shirt) I'll tell you when I've had enough!
Frodo: O-ok , Sam.
Sam plops back down into his seat and guzzles another tankard full of ale. Bilbo goes up to the stage, more than a little inebriated, and attempts to give his speech. The crowd, including Gandalf (who has made a special trip to be there), waits excitedly for Bilbo to speak.
Bilbo: Welcome m'dear Bagginses and Boffins!
Applause from the crowd.
Bilbo: Tooks and Brandybucks!
A few cheers and more applause.
Bilbo: Grubbs, Chubbs,Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Proudfeet and all you other people that showed up for the free food and drunk girls.
Confused laughter from the crowd
Bilbo: Welcome to my one hundreded and elevenethhhhh birthday!!!
Bilbo: Shut up!!!!
The crowd goes silent.
Bilbo: Thas be'er. Since my dear nephew, Frodo has come of age, I name him my heir. He will inheirit all of my worldly goods.
Frodo smiles smugly at everyone.
Bilbo: Furthermore, m'dear hobbits, I would just like t'say...
The crowd waits anxiously.
Bilbo: PPTHHHH!!!! (rasberry's everyone and disappears.)
Frodo: (standing up dramatically) So THAT'S what he was talking about when he said he was going to disappear using a magic ring he found in a cave and he was going to Rivendell and that I'd never ever see him again!
All: (Looks at Frodo)
Frodo: I never even saw it coming! (Snaps) He was always good with riddles.
Frodo rushes around putting out fires with the guests, and also literally after Merry and Pippin find Gandalf's fireworks. Meanwhile Bilbo runs, invisible, into the house, grabs his stuff, and runs out the back door, running straight into Gandalf.
Gandalf: Bilbo! What do you think you're doing? Have you left the ring for Frodo?
Bilbo: Oh do I have to?
Gandalf: Is it really so hard?
Gandalf: I think you'd better give it to me.
Bilbo: You want it for yourself!
Gandalf: I do not! Just drop it on the floor and Frodo will pick it up when he comes in.
Bilbo holds the ring in his hand, slowly tipping his hand sideways to drop the ring on the floor. After about 20 minutes, Gandalf gets sick of waiting for him to dump the stinkin' thing and just grabs the ring and shoves him out the door. A few hours later, Frodo walks in, exhausted from getting all the guests to leave and a drunken Sam to stop saying disgusting things to Rosie.
Frodo: Boy am I exhausted.
Gandalf: (Rushing up to Frodo) Is it secret? Is it safe?
Gandalf: Oh sorry, that's later. Right now, I am supposed to show you this neat trick
Gandalf throws the ring into the fire.
Frodo: What are you doing to Bilbo's ring?
Gandalf: Just give it a minute.
(An hour later)
Gandalf: There!!! (Pulls the ring out)
Gandalf: Look at the inscription on the ring.
Frodo: Made in Mordor. Where the Shadows Lie, Inc.
Gandalf: Yep. Well that's about it, except, hide it, keep it safe, and I'll see ya in about 20 years!
Next Week: More excitement!! Stay tuned!