Things had gone from dull to seriously dull since they had become separated from the Doctor. Bobby looked at the others, Webbi who had possessed the first suitable body the Doctor could procure for her and the small pink box of tricks called K-9 who kept crashing into his ankles every twenty seconds or so.
Webbi felt the call of the shopper in her veins, she wanted to buy everything she saw, only the lack of funds and the fact that this body was only on a temporary loan stopped her for getting everything. She wished Bobby would get more involved in the shopping expedition but he actually seemed disinterested in the whole experience.
“Excuse me.” Haana nudged Bobby’s arm. “Are you Bobby Turner?”
Bobby turned to look at the slightly overweight woman dressed in a long blue skirt and a cream coloured t-shirt with the word dyke written on it in large friendly orange letters. “Is it a wild shot in the dark to guess that you’re Haana?”
Haana grinned. “What gave it away?”
“You have your hand on Webbi’s rear end and you two haven’t even been introduced yet. Besides the Doctor has photos of all her companions in one of the rooms in the TARDIS.”
Haana looked down at K-9. “Oooh so she finally finished building you, who’s a clever Doctor then?”
“Ahem.” Leokai couched pointedly.
“Oh where are my manners, this is Leokai. She’s a terrible drama queen so just humour her.”
Leokai accidentally elbowed Haana three times in the ribs before shaking hands with Bobby and Webbi. “My sister won’t be long, she’s just buying a new pair of boxer shorts for herself. I’ve told her time and time again that she doesn’t need button flies but she never listens to me.”
“They make me feel more masculine.” Geokai walked over to where Leokai and Haana were chatting to some vacant looking woman and a guy who wore a vest she just had to borrow as soon as she could persuade him to lend it to her. “Hi, I’m Geokai.”
Bobby shook hands with the third woman and tried not to notice as she felt the material of his vest. “So what brings you three here at the same time as us three?”
“Oh, Claire needs to borrow the Doctor. Who was that hot chick I saw her with? She hasn’t come over to the queer side has she?”
“No, that’s Debbie. We rescued her from the Bliss last year. She’s dead; the Bliss turned her into some sort of zombie woman. Even the Doctor is baffled by it.”
“So does Debbie have a certain someone in her life?”
“All she seems to do is read and eat sugar straight from the bowl.”
“You mean she’s gay?”
“No, she literally eats the sugar from the sugar bowl when the Doctor’s serving the tea. The Doctor tries to discourage her, she’s worried about her waistline but Debbie doesn’t care one way or the other.”
“Well we’re supposed to keep you lot out of the way while Claire and her sister have a bit of a chat with the Doctor.”
“I thought Claire had a brother.”
“That’s one of the reasons why we’re here to sort of give the Doctor some space. Why don’t we go somewhere nicer? Leslie is over here.”
Geokai took hold of Bobby’s arm. “We can swap clothes, I’m sure I’ve got stuff in your size somewhere.”
Leokai looked at Webbi. “You’ll have to return this woman’s body back to her own control I’m afraid. We don’t want to cause any unnecessary surprises later on do we?”
“I guess not, can I release control when we reach your ship? I don’t think these people would like the sight of a sexy and cute three foot wide eight legs too much.”
Leokai nodded sympathetically. “That’s their loss Webbi.”
Haana picked up K-9 in her arms. “Come on you lot, last one there buys me a copy of Knave.”


Leokai scowled at Haana when she walked back into the ship with a copy of the ‘magazine’ in her hand. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my lives. And you tripped me up.”
“It was an accident.” Haana looked at Geokai. “You saw everything didn’t you Geokai?”
Geokai felt like a tiny specimen under a tau-meson microscope with all the accusing glares in her direction. “I don’t know anything.”
Haana took the magazine off of Leokai and sat down to read it. “Do you want to borrow this after me Bobby?”
Bobby shook his head.
“Have you read this issue before?”
Bobby looked at Geokai. “She’s even worse than you.” He took his vest off and handed it to the elfin female.
“Thanks!” Geokai ran off to her room to try the garment on and look at herself from every possible angle. It was most generous of Claire to put mirrored steel plates on the floor really.
Webbi, now in her natural form hid behind the console. She was quite shy in front of these strange women especially the gay one. She hoped Haana wasn’t looking at her naked body all the time. She really should spin a nice body suit for herself. If only she could possess Bobby’s body then she could feel more at home in the company of so many two legs. Only K-9, Debbie and the Doctor didn’t seem to care at all about her natural form and as all three of them were female she naturally valued their opinion a lot more than the flighty vapid male drones that the Queen eight legs back on Metabelis 3 preferred to court.
Leokai set the controls for Bettashopz, the latest and most fashionable shopping planet in the cosmos. She had to wait while Webbi moved out of the way from time to time of course but she sent claming telepathic messages to the eight legs so that she didn’t feel unwelcome. “Well we should be there in about ten minutes, give or take the odd time storm. Last one out has to kiss Bobby.” She looked pointedly at Haana and made sure she knew what she was planning.


The Scarlet Lord looked at the vast fleet of ships under his command. “Today we invade the pathetic world Bettashopz. We will establish a new order there. A new order based upon military might and martial law. Anyone who tries to resist our forces is to be spared no mercy. Anyone captured will be put in our cells until they can be re-educated to see the value of our ways. For victory and glory we attack!”
The Scarlet Lady put a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “We’ll show them to refuse me store credit.”
“Yes we will my dear. I shall have the head of that woman who refused you delivered on a sliver plate to you.”
“Cut her fingers and toes off first my love and make her eat them and then cut off her head. I want her to truly know suffering before she dies.”


The landing chime sounded and four humanoids, one arachnid and one robot dog tried to emerge from the ship at the same time. However there was pushing and shoving and it was Leokai who emerged last from the time machine.
“Go on Leokai, get your tongue down his neck.”
“Kissing boys is very nice Leokai, I like it.”
“I need a body to possess.” Webbi spotted a lost looking woman, dressed in a very clingy and revealing red dress. Seven seconds later she walked back over to her friends dressed in the woman’s body. “Do you like this?”
Haana’s eyes popped out on stalks and she was suddenly conscious of the need to wipe saliva from her chin. “Wow, it’s gorgeous. I’m not sure about those shoes though. They seem very fragile to me.”
Leokai looked at Bobby. “I suppose I do owe you this.”
“You go girl!” Geokai shouted as her sister snogged Bobby.
“What a hussy.” Haana joked.
“I like kissing my husband like that.” Webbi looked at the others as they looked at her. “What?”
“I didn’t know you were married!” Bobby said in a state of shock.
“I’m not, I think. This body has very strong memories. I think she’s the one who is married. Her thoughts are affecting me, is that how two legs mate?”
“Only the hetero ones.” Haana said quietly.
“Who is she?” Leokai asked.
“I’m not sure. I can just get a title, The Scarlet Lady.”
“I’ll bet she is.” Haana said quietly again. “Why are all the gorgeous women apart from Claire straight?”
“Claire’s only bisexual.” Geokai reminded Haana.
“I know, I live in constant fear that one day she’ll forget how to be gay and start seeing men again.”
“Not a chance.” Geokai promised Haana. “She’s totally in love with you. She wants to spend the rest of eternity with you, if that’s not love then I don’t want to know what it really is because I feel exactly the same way about my Vila.”
“Is this a cute bum?” Webbi asked Haana for her professional opinion, as Haana was a renowned girl’s bottom worshiping woman.
Haana nodded. “Yes Webbi, it’s a very sexy ass. No don’t pull your dress up to show me more. I’ve seen enough, yes that’s quite enough. Leokai, take her somewhere and teach her about feminine modesty. I won’t ask your sister because she doesn’t have a clue either.”
“Hey I have modesty.” Geokai sulked. “I don’t show you my boxer shorts.”
“Good.”
“Fine.”
“Can you two stop fighting?” Bobby asked.
“This isn’t fighting Bobby, this is everyday girl talk.”
“I’ve got four sisters and they’re nothing like you two. Well except for the time they all fancied the same boy at high school and then they were much worse than you two. “What I’m trying to say is can you stop acting like kids and behave like grown ups? Try to think of K-9? She still has only limited social protocols and if you overload her interaction buffer then the Doctor will be most upset with you.”
“Will you three stop bickering and come on?” Leokai pointed towards Webbi who was walking away from them.
“What happened?”
“I don’t know. One second we were talking and the next she was all vague and blank eyed like Claire gets whenever I talk to her about gaseous nebulae. Then she starts walking away and I’ve found you three bickering at each other like children. Do you think gaseous nebulae are interesting Bobby? I do but I guess some people just aren’t as interested in them as I am.”


Webbi felt the calling inside her blood, the strange endorphins from her host seemed to be hijacking her own emotional centre and filling her with what could only be described as love. It was not just the simple love of friendship but the deep and total commitment that came with the joining of two people into one. The host had given herself wholly to her partner body and soul as he had done so to her. They were one person in two bodies neither whole nor separate and each completing the other. It was a wedding not only in name and spirit but also in body and sex. The strange biology of the host needed the others to function properly it was a chemical wedding between two people that needed each other to live.
Webbi was The Scarlet Lady; she commanded a star empire with her husband, her lover, her life The Scarlet Lord. She knew that she had a life before this but she couldn’t remember what it was. Shrugging her shoulders she fell into her lovers embrace and rubbed her hand on his bare muscular chest. “When will we take our revenge my love?”
“Right now.” The Scarlet Lord looked at his Crimson General and nodded. “Kill them if you want but we want a few of them left alive to torture for some pleasure.”


Geokai was the first one to act when the shooting started. She threw herself to the floor and hid behind a shaking and rather muscular object, which turned out to be Bobby. “Fancy seeing you here. Fancy lending me your trousers?”
Bobby shook his head. “Not right now, I’m going commando in them.”
“That’s ok, I’ll lend you my boxer shorts and I’ll go commando in your trousers instead.”
“Maybe later.” Bobby managed to deflect the blonde transvestite’s attention away from getting into his clothes for the moment.
Leokai assessed the situation with her usual steely resolve. “They’re shooting at us! They’re shooting at us! They’re shooting at us!”
Haana considered slapping Leokai to snap her friend out of panic but instead she tried the other method of calming a hysterical woman, she took hold of Leokai’s head gently and kissed her. She was quite surprised when Leokai started to return the kiss for a few seconds until she was calm and then she broke the embrace.”
“What did you do that for?” Leokai demanded.
“To calm you down of course silly. You don’t have to say thank you.”
“I won’t.” Leokai pouted. “I won’t tell Claire either how you calmed me down.”
“That’s ok.” Haana took hold of Leokai’s hand. “Our love will remain our little secret.”
“We don’t have any love, we’re just good friends.”
“Hearts breaker.” Haana teasingly pouted at Leokai. She yelped when K-9 bumped into her ankle, causing quite a lot of pain.
“Apologies Mistress Haana.” K-9 said quickly before reversing into Leokai’s groin. “Apologies Mistress Leokai.”
“No need, it might have hurt more before the regeneration but now it merely hurts quite a helluva lot.”
“Why don’t you go and help the other two K-9?” Haana suggested to the pink menace. She grimaced as K-9 accidentally ran over Bobby and almost got Geokai to in the process but her cross dressing chum managed to avoid the robot dog at the last second with a well timed jump. Her look of pity for poor Bobby turned into a look of shock when she saw the gun barrels pointed in her direction. “Hi there, can I help you at all?”


The manacles were really biting into her wrists, it was worse than that time Claire had gotten her drunk on half a pint of shandy and they’d chained her naked to the railings outside of a convent and left her there all night. If it hadn’t of been for some kindly nuns and a surprisingly big jar of petroleum jelly she might still be there to this day. However Geokai had forgiven her friends and conspired the following year to do the same for Leokai on her birthday.
“This is just like my last birthday.” Leokai complained. “If it wasn’t for those nuns I might be a mother like Geokai too now.”
“Violet could have had a little brother or sister.” Geokai complained to Haana. “Why didn’t you chain me up outside of a rugby club?”
“Because we’re you’re friends Geokai, besides we were watching you the whole time remember? You were making jokes about that mole near Leokai’s…”
“Shut up.” Leokai hissed at Haana.
Bobby looked at the others and wished he were somewhere else. Even poor little K-9 was chained up thanks to crudely drilled holes in her pink painted metal skin. “Arguing will not get us out of here, we need to think what would the Doctor do in this situation?”
“Have a cup of tea.”
“Ask one of us to pop outside and get the keys off one of the guards.”
“Give Geokai some emergency nail polish on her fingers and toes.”
“Over your dead body sister dearest.”
“Not if you’re still chained up Geokai.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“I’ve got lipstick too somewhere and foundation. It’s never too late for you to learn. After all you’ll be the one showing Violet how to apply it someday, unless she takes after her Mum.”
“Leave my baby out of this.”
“Will you lot stop fighting? We have to get out of this mess together, not fall to pieces and blame each other. Once we get out of here we find Webbi and get the hell off of this planet ok?”
“Ok.”
“Ok.”
“Ok, but only if I can have your trousers.”
“Whatever, now can anyone pick these locks?”
“That is unnecessary Master Bobby.” K-9 extended her muzzle mounted blaster barrel and fired a beam of energy at each of the chains in turn.
The chains broke and now free of their bonds they set about releasing K-9 too. Then in a show of unprecedented solidarity Leokai, Geokai and Haana worked together to pick the lock to their cell door.
“I knew we could do it!” Geokai hugged everyone, even K-9.
“Come on, lets get out of here.” Leokai opened the door and gulped when she saw twenty heavily armed guards aiming guns in her direction. "We're in this adventure by mistake. It's the Doctor who should be in here not us!"
“Oh well.” Haana said casually. “Everyone back into their manacles.”
“No need for that.” The Guard Commander sneered. “The Scarlet Lord wishes to execute you for the amusement of his Lady.”
“Well at least we get to see Webbi’s new body again.” Haana tried to look on the bright side of life.”
Geokai and Bobby had to hold Leokai back from physically assaulting Haana.


The Scarlet Lady sat on her throne as her deeply gorgeous hunk of a husband stood on the killing floor in front of her and commanded that the slaves for execution be brought in to the throne room.
“So three women and one man dared to defy my guards?”
“Can I be classified as a man?” Geokai asked. “Can I borrow those shoes?”
“Be silent!” The Guard Commander shouted and knocked Geokai to the floor. “You will all be classified as dead in a few seconds.” He sneered as she tried to stand up again and took great delight in knocking her back to the floor again.
“That’s enough of that!” Bobby punched the bully in the face and sent him skidding along the floor on his backside.
“So, this one has fire in his belly?” The Scarlet Lord looked at Bobby. “Shall we cut it open to see if it’s true?”
Webbi looked at Bobby, there was something familiar about this male. Somehow she knew things about him, his likes and dislikes. He liked to ride a device called a motorcycle and ate steaks like Debbie ate the sugar when the Doctor wasn’t looking. How did she remember Debbie and who was the Doctor? Things were flashing in her head, too many thoughts, too many ideas. She realised she was screaming so she stopped.
“My Lady!” The Scarlet Lord rushed over to the side of his wife.
Haana tore her attention away from eight inches below Webbi’s eyes and assessed the situation. Then she elbowed one of the guards in the solar plexus and took the plasma rifle off him. “Ok, let us go or I’ll shoot your Lord. You three get their guns.”
The motley crew stunned the rest of the guards and advanced on the royal duo. Leokai knocked the Scarlet Lord to the floor like his soldier had done to her sister. “Webbi, I know you’re in there. We have to leave; this body has affected your mind. Detach yourself out of her and possess one of us.”
Webbi looked at Leokai and remembered that she was a friend. “I, I have so much confusion in my mind. I see things that I can’t possibly know, images of a blue planet ruled by beings of vast intellects.”
“Earth?” Haana guessed.
“Metabelis 3.” Bobby answered. “Webbi’s home planet.
“Yes, no, maybe.” Webbi fainted.
“Oh great, now we’ll have to carry her.” Haana started to pick Webbi’s body up.
“Get the legs Haana.” Leokai commanded. “That’s not how you carry someone.”
“It feels very comfortable.” Haana protested.
“For your hands maybe but you’re not taking any of the weight across her shoulders.”
Geokai opened the throne room doors as the others started to carry Webbi’s inert body towards the exit. “How do we get out of this place? I had a paper bag on my head as we were carried in here.”
“Yes, but your Davros impression was very funny.” Leokai consoled her sister.
“Keep moving!” Haana shouted. “She weighs a bloody ton and I’ve got the heavy end.”


They had propped Webbi’s inert borrowed body up against the outside of Leslie and tried frantically to wake her up.
K-9 tried using her brain analyser to rouse Mistress Webbi but had no luck.
Bobby threw a glass of water at Webbi’s face but had no luck in rousing her.
Leokai tried shaking Webbi awake but had no success either.
Haana tried too but Webbi’s lifeless lips refused to respond to her passionate embrace.
Geokai was about to try and put some proper men’s clothing onto Webbi when the confused woman opened her eyes.
“Where am I?”
“Webbi?” Everyone asked cautiously.
“Yes?”
“Quick, you have to leave that body. We’re leaving right now and you fainted.”
Webbi pulled her real body out of The Scarlet Lady and scuttled inside Haana’s time machine.
“Thank Rassilon that’s over.” Geokai pointed to an approaching horde of Crimson Guards. “Shall we talk to them and explain everything or should we get the Shada out of here?” She picked up K-9 and ran inside of Leslie after Webbi.


The Scarlet Lord looked at his partner. “That thing was inside of you, it was controlling you, you have failed us and so there is only one course of action.”
“Total annihilation of everyone who knows?”
“No.”
“A fresh campaign against the entire Universe?”
“No.”
“What then?”
The Scarlet Lord pressed a small button on his throne and the entire planet Bettashopz was consumed in a blast of apocalyptic proportions.


The Doctor waved as her two friends, now rejoined with Haana, Geokai and Leokai, faded out of sight. She saw her current companions Bobby, Webbi and K-9 come into view and she greeted their return with a fresh cup of tea and a cheese scone for Bobby, a maggot and worm cake for Webbi and a bowl of oil for K-9.
Bobby nibbled his scone and looked at the Doctor. “You wouldn’t believe the adventure we’ve just had with those three insane women.”
Webbi blushed and looked at the Doctor. “It was all my fault really.”
“No, you were afflicted by that woman’s hormones. You weren’t to know.”
“If I hadn’t of been so scared and possessed the first person I saw none of this would have happened. I acted like a coward.”
“Well drink up your tea and I hope you three have learned a lesson today. Stop eating the sugar Debbie dear, I’m really worried about your waistline young lady.”