“I’m too sexy for this suit, too sexy for this suit, too sexy it hurts.” The Doctor couldn’t help but grin with girlish glee as she walked into the console room singing 90’s hit single almost in key.
Debbie looked suspiciously at the Doctor. “Are you feeling well Doctor?”
“She’s in love Debbie.” Bobby informed the scatterbrained blonde woman, well the more scatterbrained of the two.
Debbie looked back at the Doctor. “Are you Doctor? What’s his name?”
“You tell her Bobby.”
Bobby rolled his eyes as the Doctor was dancing with herself, he was grateful though that she’d stopped singing. “She told us last night, honestly Debbie your mind is getting more and more like a Swiss cheese every day.”
“His name is Omega.” The Doctor replied. “I’ve known him on and off all my life. At first I thought it was just a silly school-girl crush but then I realised I’m not a school girl and well he’s a bit older than me but the age gap doesn’t worry me.”
Bobby looked at the Doctor and tried not to feel too sorry for her. “Look Doctor, don’t read too much into this. Just because he possessed the body of that American movie actor doesn’t make him any less dangerous. Romana told me the number of times he’s tried to kill you or possess your body.”
“Well it’s just dinner and a glass of iced tea, he’s sadly mistaken if he thinks he’s ever getting his hands on this body.”
“Are you a celibate too Doctor?” Debbie asked.
“Well at my age all you need is a quick peck on the cheek and a cup of tea. I’ve never seen the point of anything more since divorcing my wife all those centuries ago.”
Bobby and Debbie looked sharply at the Doctor.
“Divorce?” Bobby asked.
“Divorce?” Debbie echoed.
“I’ve said too much.” The Doctor said with the firmness of a British Rail mince piecrust. “Of course I was a man back then, just in case you get any ideas.” She pulled out a small vanity mirror and made sure that there was no lipstick on her teeth, before opening the TARDIS doors and exiting the ship.
Once the Doctor had left Bobby took out a single red rose from his leather jacket pocket. “Debbie, I know what you’ll say but well today’s Valentines Day and I know we’re just friends but I was wondering if you’d share a cup of sugary tea with me.”
Debbie looked at the rose. “Is that one of those edible sugar flowers?”
Bobby nodded. “Yes, I thought you’d prefer something like this to a boring old plain one.”
“I’d love to have a cup of sugary tea with you Bobby.” Debbie managed to have an idea and smiled. “I’ll even put some tea in my sugar, just for you.”


Deeper within the TARDIS Webbi was trying to reprogram K-9 but she was having very little success. “It’s just no use, I can’t concentrate. K-9, we’ll just have to find the Doctor and get her to fix your circuits.”
“Negative.” K-9 replied with her mechanical tones. “Doctor Mistress is unavailable for next five hours and seventeen minutes. Suggest that you merge with Master Bobby and use his hands to finish repairs.”
“Do I have to?” Webbi sighed. “I’d so much prefer to possess a female body, I am a woman after all. There are some things I shouldn’t have to cope with.”
“Mistress Debbie is not suitable for possession, suggest you find another female body outside of the ship.”
“Go outside? Me?” Webbi’s legs started to shake with fear. “I’m still not used to large crowds of people K-9.”
“You must.”
“But I haven’t even polished my fangs, or brushed my leg hair. I’m a right mess! I’m going to my room to make myself presentable first.” Webbi scuttled out of the workroom, down the long twisting corridors and into her room.
“I am unfinished.” K-9 declaimed to nobody before lowering her head and taking herself offline.


Bobby poured the teas into the cups. “You know Debbie, the Doctor is really starting to worry me. All we know about this Omega is that he’s mad, bad and dangerous to know.”
Debbie paused eating the candy rose. “He sounds ideal for the Doctor then.”
“Yes I know, that’s what’s worrying me. How come all of a sudden the woman with the sexual appetite of a nun gets the hots for this bloke? Something’s very wrong with this picture.”
Debbie looked at the framed photograph of the Doctor and Omega. “The frame is a little chintz.”
“Oh forget it you sad bint, don’t you see? This is not normal, it’s weird, it’s wrong. It’s up to us to save the Doctor from being happy and content.”
“Ok then, can you not call me a sad bint though? Brain dead bimbo is ok I suppose, it’s half true after all but I’m neither happy nor sad. The dead do not feel emotions as you do.”
“Really?” Bobby asked. “Then why do you throw tantrums whenever the Doctor buys low fat sugar?”
“My body needs the energy levels of Tate and Lyle to function properly. The Bliss radically changed my body when it killed me. I need sugar to function and despite the Doctor’s claims, it will not make me fat. The dead do not put on weight.”


The Doctor looked across at Omega and tried not to set her hair alight again with the many candle on the table. “Tell me Omega, do you like my eyes?”
Omega nodded. “Yes Doctor, they are like two bright jewels.”
“What about my nose?”
“Your nose is like a tiny succulent fruit Doctor.”
The Doctor giggled. “What about my bottom? Do these trousers make it look big?”
“Enough of these social non sequiturs Doctor, your body is perfect.”
“You think so? I’m not happy about the feet myself but since this is my last me I can’t exactly do anything about them now.”
“Do you like the salmon?”
“This is salmon?”
“No, but humanoid voices cannot pronounce its true name so salmon it is.”
“Well it’s very nice, whatever it is. I’ve always found that you can’t beat a good plate of curry and chips myself. I know this little place near the Khyber Pass…”
Omega pulled a small box out of his pocket. “I know we’ve had our differences Doctor, but would do me the pleasure of marrying me?”
The Doctor felt her head go numb and somewhere in the distance the sound of her fork hitting her plate was heard. “Marry you?”
“I’d be the happiest Time Lord in the Universe Doctor.”
“I…I…I…”
“That’s three I’s in one sentence, it makes you sound like a rather egotistical woman.” Omega took the Doctor’s hands in his own. “I like that.”


Webbi spotted the Doctor, Omega and the ring. “Oh no, I hope I’m not too late.” The borrowed waitress’s body was a little uncomfortable, she felt exposed in this outfit. “Excuse me, would you like more tea?” She handed the Doctor a cup of tea in her third favourite cup.
The Doctor looked at the cup. “I have one just like this in the TARDIS.” She looked up at the waitress, there was something familiar about the posture. It was as if she needed more arms to put on her hips. “Excuse me, I need the little Doctor’s room.” She walked off towards the loo with Webbi in tow. “What are you doing here?”
“K-9 said she needed your expertise, I’m just not skilled enough. She’s offlined again in a sulk. Are you getting married?”
“I see, well she can sulk. I don’t know. I’m getting on Webbi, I find that I don’t like being alone sometimes.”
“You’ve got Bobby, Debbie, K-9 and myself for conversations Doctor, what you need to ask yourself is do you love him?”
The Doctor looked across the restaurant but Omega wasn’t in his chair eating his meal.
“There you are Doctor, we can skip dessert and get down to the matter of us.”
The Doctor shook her head. “I’m sorry Omega, I like you but I just don’t love you. I can’t marry you.”
Omega nodded slowly. “Thank you for your honest Doctor, there is just one more thing. This human body is unstable I will need yours after all.”
“Oh no you don’t mate!” Bobby, disguised as a waiter, turned Omega around and punched him as hard as he could in the face.
“Good shot Bobby!” The Doctor shouted in congratulation to her beefy companion. “I see you have learned something off me after all.”
“Erm, my arm is stuck inside his head.” Bobby tried to pull his arm free of Omega’s head but it was stuck fast.
“A new body.” Omega shrilled. “Strong too.”
“No!” The Doctor screamed as Omega’s old form was discarded and the silver being that was Omega’s mental presence poured into Bobby’s body.
Omega laughed. “My offer is still open Doctor, join me and we can rule this universe together!”
“No way Omega.” The Doctor grabbed hold of Webbi’s host’s hand and ran out of the restaurant and into the TARDIS.

“I’m sorry Doctor.” Webbi tried to comfort the Doctor. “Can we save Bobby?”
The Doctor shook her head. “No, you saw what happened to the last host body, the part of Bobby we knew and loved was destroyed the moment he took control. I should have said yes Webbi.”
“You can’t blame yourself Doctor, you couldn’t know. Bobby insisted on coming with me. Do you want me to tell Debbie?”
“That’s ok Webbi, I’ll tell her and K-9. You should release that body back to her own control before we leave. At least you don’t destroy those you borrow, you’re a good girl Webbi.” Once Webbi was back inside the ship in her own body the Doctor dematerialised the ship, taking her away from the sudden and tragic loss of a dear friend. So much for her Valentine’s Day romance. She just hoped there was some sugar left for a nice cup of tea for the wake.