The Doctor raised the cup of tea to her
lips and gently took a sip of the hot beverage. “Passable, did you squeeze the water soaked bag into the cup after you
Webbi nodded, well as best as she could, considering she didn’t have a neck in her natural form.
“Yes, just like you showed me Doctor.”
The Doctor smiled. “It makes all the difference too.” She
picked up a biscuit and nibbled on it. “I think we’ll make a tea’s maid out of you yet Webbi.”
returned to the table with armfuls of cakes, liberated from the ship’s excessively large cake store. She carefully placed
the fare on the table next to her best friends in alphabetical order. “There wasn’t any of that triple chocolate
surprise left Doctor, but I did find an extra double mint lemon pavlova to make up for it.”
The Doctor cut herself
a slice of the rare cake and put it on her plate. “Thank you Debbie, it’ll be kinder on all our hips I’m
“I have more hips that both you put together.” Webbi said sadly. “My abdomen is too large
as it is.”
“More hips equals more cake Webbi.” The Doctor said to her surprisingly dim companion. “I
thought your species was second to none at mathematics.”
“They are, on the whole.” Webbi agreed. “I’ve
always been more interested in fashion and beauty however. I invented the leg hair curlers as you can tell by my perm.”
wasn’t going to mention it myself.” Debbie replied. “I thought it might have been a mistake.”
at all.” Webbi replied. “Bleaching them blonde however was a mistake, next time I’ll stick to my usual lime
“I wondered where my hair bleaching gel had gone.” Debbie replied casually. “I
think my roots are starting to show. They must have grown a whole three millimetres in the last nine months.”
you’re not all dead?” Webbi wondered. “Perhaps you just age really super mega slowly? Like the Doctor?”
don’t see how.” Debbie pondered. “I don’t have any internal organs anymore and my skin is more akin
to a chemical polymer now.”
“Life is more varied than anyone can think of.” The Doctor replied. “Now
drink up, we’ve got a planet to save. The Tinzeilli are a most curious and simple folk, they are eternally curious and
get up to all sorts of mischief. Sort of like four foot hedgehogs with big happy smiles and large brown eyes.”
we going to save them from some sort of tyrant?” Debbie asked.
“Maybe it’s a natural disaster?”
Webbi wondered out loud.
The Doctor shook her head slowly. “It’s worse than that, far worse.”
than a natural disaster?” Webbi asked slowly.
“Yes, it’s the Daleks.”
Debbie helpfully informed the Doctor.
“I can see that.” The Doctor replied as she tried to push Webbi’s
body off of her own. “She’s surprisingly heavy for someone her species.”
“It’s all those
moths she’s been eating, she needs to exercise more and burn the excess off.”
“Somehow I can’t
see a huge spider doing star jumps, can you?” The Doctor asked Debbie.
“I prefer the term eight-legs.”
Webbi muttered to the Doctor. “Maybe I’m not cut out for an almost meat-free diet?”
“That is true.”
Debbie replied. “You used to eat lots of little animals before. I would bring you three or four rabbits per sitting
and you would dissolve their insides and suck the juice right down.”
“Yes, but we had to stop when they asked
me to stop eating them.” Webbi replied. “I cried for a month when I realised they were sentient rabbits.”
said I was sorry about that. Perhaps we can ask the Daleks for directions to a few nice planets with non-sentient life forms?”
The Doctor said slowly. “There’s no point, really. There won’t be a single Dalek left to ask anything by
the time I am through with them. I’ve had enough of them; it’s time they were gone for good. The Universe will
be so much better off without the misery they bring. They have live altogether too long now.”
“Kill the Daleks?”
Debbie asked. “Do you have permission?”
The Doctor didn’t reply as she left the cloister room and made
her way back to the console room.
Disrupter beams shot left and right as the three TARDIS travellers ran, scuttled
and skipped across the blasted planet’s surface. All around them lay the bodies of the dead and dying native population.
The Doctor looked at the horizon and directed her two friends towards the centre of the Dalek effort. “This way, last
one there has to destroy the base and all it’s occupants.”
“I could give some of them a nasty bite.”
Webbi commented casually. “If one of you could open those metal casing open long enough.”
help you.” Debbie replied. “I’ve got a tin opener in my pocket.”
“I’m sure the Daleks
will be really afraid of that then.” The Doctor said slowly. “I’ve always found that stopping their silly
plans with a cunning double bluff and a lot of death often works. Take the time I disconnected their power supply, or the
time I pulled them all into the core of the planet Earth. Then there was the time I lured them to a planet of mechanical builders
and blew up a whole city, or the time I warped all of time and aged some of them to death. It was never enough though...they
keep coming back. No more surprise battles, no more death, this time I’m going to finish them off once and for all.
A Universe without Daleks, my legacy to the future.”
“Do you think that’s wise Doctor?” Debbie
asked. “I mean they have united billions in mutual hatred of the blue spotted one look.”
“Hate is never
a good reason for friendship Debbie.” The Doctor said slowly.
“What about love, respect and mutual admiration?”
Webbi pondered idly.
“Much better concepts Webbi, have a gold star for being extra clever today.” The Doctor
put a sticky gold star on her friend’s carapace armoured foot. “It really suits you.”
we going to do when we get there Doctor?” Debbie asked. “Are you going to kill them all in some grand elaborate
“Actually, I was just going to make them all self-exterminate.” The Doctor replied darkly. “Those
seething lumps of hate are about to get a lesson in grrrl power.”
“Can’t we do all that from the, erm,
safety of the TARDIS?” Webbi asked. “It’s a lot less lethal in there.”
“Sorry Webbi, I can’t
let the Daleks have access to the ship. We don’t want them trying to ransack my knickers drawer while we’re putting
a bomb in theirs, figuratively speaking of course.
“Oh, well what about simply throwing an anti-time loop around
the planet and hide it from the rest of the universe. The Daleks would be trapped here for all eternity, or until their batteries
run out. Whichever comes sooner I guess.”
The Doctor looked at her companion for a few seconds. “How come you
suddenly get smart now? Maybe it’s all the complex carbohydrates in the cream cakes? For a girl on an all meat-diet
the sudden, and may I say massive, influx of cakes could have increased your mental acumen.”
“Actually I just
read this.” Webbi pulled out her copy of The Companions Handbook. “The section on helpful hints and ideas is very
in-depth and this is a life of death sort of situation where suddenly intelligent ideas are needed.”
I never got one of those?” Debbie asked. “I want to be clever too.”
“You can share my copy.”
Webbi handed the book to her friend, in exchange for Debbie’s blusher and compact mirror.
“Maybe we should
retitle this story Two Bimbo’s and a Time Lady?” The Doctor mused in a post fourth-wall breaking manner. “Who’s
got my lipstick hmmm?”
Dalek command was the hub of all Dalek activity, it was full of the small upside down
pepper pot looking warmongers all scurrying about doing their best to look evil and menacing. They did not notice as their
numbers began to thin out a little due to the best efforts of the three blonde intruders. Eventually the Doctor and her companions
were left all alone inside the base.
“It’s like all my birthdays at once.” Webbi said as she ordered
the Daleks to fire on one another. “Does my new body look good when I press buttons? That Robowoman didn’t need
it anymore and all that mechanical stuff was easy to remove from the scalp.”
“This is the button.” The
Doctor said solemnly. “With one press of this button I can wipe out this entire Dalek army. I hope I don’t break
a nail in the process though.”
“Do we dare do it?” Debbie asked. “Do we dare to commit a vast and
terrible crime to stop an even bigger vast and terrible crime?”
“I’ll press it.” Webbi volunteered.
“I’m wearing gloves, they really match the skin-tight black PVC body suit don’t they?”
ok.” The Doctor replied. “The responsibility is mine alone.”
“Is that your final answer?”
Webbi asked. “You could phone a friend or ask the audience.”
Debbie walked over to where the Doctor was standing
and pressed the button for her. “I don’t think you could have pressed the button Doctor, you would have to live
with the consequences of your decision for the rest of your life. I’m already dead and as you say often enough I don’t
think that much. What was it you called me last week? A ‘stupid bimbo with less brains than a chocolate éclair’
“Perhaps I misjudged you Debbie.” The Doctor took out her packet of gold stars. “You
can have one of these for being insightful.”
“So is this the end of the Daleks?” Webbi asked hopefully
as the sound of a million exploding Daleks began to resound outside the bunker.
“Not quite.” The Doctor said
quietly. “But it’s a step towards it, if we can destroy their spawning worlds then perhaps we are looking at the
twilight of the Daleks. Last one back to the ship buys the chocolate.”
“Not so fast Doctor.” The Doctor
called out. “You big fake.”
“Doctor?” Debbie and Webbi looked at the Doctor, both of her.”
again?” The Doctor asked.
“Me.” The Doctor replied. “You can drop the act Doctor, or should I say
“Is anyone else here getting confused?” Webbi asked and saw Debbie and the cute human boy
next to the other Doctor put his hand up too.
“Who is she Doctor?” Danny asked.
Both versions of the Doctor replied at the some time.