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Judy considered her answer, to the Master's
question, very carefully. “The general chaos theory states that no matter how much you diet you will always be two pounds
overweight when you need to fit into that slinky, sexy little black dress for that oh so important important date with the
cute guy you've been fantasising about for ages.”
“Close enough.” The Master sighed. “Now what
about the special theory of relativity?”
“Truth distorts more around fat girls than thin girls like me?”
“Did
you even look at those books I gave you?”
“They were in the same room as me, when I reading this month’s
issue of Evil Chick Magazine. They have a great article on evil shoe styles.”
“Shoes? You need to know more
about life than shoes Judy. There’s a whole universe out there of which shoes are just a small and insignificant part.”
“You
can tell a lot about a person by the shoes they wear.”
“Maybe, but not everyone wears shoes.”
“They
just need a better sense of fashion.”
“Some of them don’t have feet.”
“Can’t they
evolve them?”
“You would think so, but it doesn’t work that way.”
“Oh, harsh.”
“Yes,
but that’s just me. Now what about the warping effect of a gravitational pulse of the space/time continuum?”
“It’s
like being cornered by your aunt who hates your taste in clothes, your taste in boys and her breath smells really, really
bad.”
“That’s not a bad analogy. How do you get out of it?”
“Tell her you’ve poured
her bottle of gin down the drain and seek therapy.”
“I was thinking more along the lines of resetting the temporal
dampeners.”
“Can’t you just use the spatial convergence limiter?”
“Yes, but that’s
just showing off. You’re making some progress Judy, but you need to learn to apply yourself more. Once you know the
basics, then you can read those fashion magazines. Do you really need so many?”
Judy nodded. “It’s good
to be informed and it never hurts to have a fifth or sixth opinion about a dress you really, really like.”
“What
about the first law of time.”
“Don’t cross your own time stream, especially if you’re wearing the
same outfit?”
“Close enough. The second law of time.”
“Never change history, even if you someone
beat you to those shoes by only a minute. Find out where she lives, make her your obedient slave through hypnosis, get the
shoes and have her commit some sort of crime against the shoe shop for betraying you like that.”
“Very good.”
The Master smiled. “Your education is coming along perfectly.”
“Cool.” Judy smiled. “So when
do I get to learn to drive the ship? I’m old enough to get a car.”
“All in good time. This is a time
machine after all, it does take a little more time to learn the controls.”
“At least you can show me the basics.”
“Fine.”
The Master walked over to the black coloured control centre of the ship. “These are the viewer controls. This button
activates the external scanner, this dial zooms in and out, these buttons locate nearby population centres, energy centres
and technology centres respectively. That button activates the external speaker and this one makes the ship assume a form
that fits in with the external surroundings. Don’t press it too hard or you’ll break it and they’re almost
impossible to fix.”
Judy looked at the rows of buttons. “Haven’t you people heard of the term user-friendly?”
“This
is the user friendly version. You should have seen the original version, a whole room full of switches, levers and dials just
to turn the screen on. Thankfully the type 50 has these aesthetic refinements or we’d spend a week just inputting the
destination co-ordinates.”
“Can I do that?” Judy asked. “I can so do that, I know I can.”
“Press
only the buttons I tell you to.”
“Cool.” Judy pressed all the buttons in the correct manner, except the
blue ones, she didn’t like them, they weren’t as pretty as the yellow ones.
“What have you done?”
The Master asked, as the ship began to spiral out of control. “We could end up anywhere.”
“I’m
sorry.” Judy screamed, as she was shaken about the place, while trying to make a pot of tea for the Master. “Stop
pressuring me. I’m doing the best I can.”
The Master struggled over to the controls. “We’re headed
straight for the centre of a black hole.”
“At least we’re colour co-ordinated.”
“I’ll
try resetting the temporal dampeners.” The Master struggled with the controls.
“No, that won’t work.”
Judy called over as she warmed the teapot. “You have to use the spatial convergence limiter. It’s the only way.”
The
Master pressed the button to activate the spatial convergence limiter. “Our trajectory will be completely random, we
could end up anywhere, any when.”
“Kind of like a first date then.” Judy handed a cup of tea to the Master.
“This is so great, a real adventure, instead of those boring old planets where we steal billions from the global economy.
We can be adventurers, I’ll be a really cool explorer girl and you can be like a really ruggedly handsome guy, like
Crocodile Dundee mixed with Indiana Jones.”
“Once I find out where we are I’ll be able to get us back
to somewhere civilised.”
“Spoilsport.” Judy pouted. “Can’t we just explore a whole new world,
seek out new life forms and shoe shop based civilisations?”
The Master considered the TCE, but decided to indulge
his young companion. “Fine, but only for an hour. If we can’t find anyone to menace then we’re leaving.”
“I’ll
turn the scanner on.” Judy pressed buttons and the wall-sized screen flickered into life. “Hey, look at all those
multi-coloured aliens.”
“This is not good.” The Master began resetting the co-ordinates for an immediate
departure.
“Can’t we go and say hello?”
“Be my guest.” The Master replied. “The
Daleks are noted for their lethal greetings. They’re almost as evil as I am.”
“As evil as me?”
“My
dear girl, I’ve known kittens that are eviller than you. That’s a good thing, trust me.”
“Hey,
the radiation meter gizmo thingy is flashing.”
“The Daleks depend on high levels of radiation for survival.”
“So
getting rid of their radiation is not a good idea?” Judy asked. “How do you reverse the radiation pump? I thought
getting rid of it would help them, at least their sun makes a good place to dump all that horrid gamma radiation stuff.”
The
Master shook his head slowly. “You can’t, but their star will go supernova long before they die horrible deaths
in their shells.”
Judy was aghast and needed to drink the whole cup of tea to steady her nerves. “I didn’t
mean to kill them, it was an accident.”
“That’s my girl.” The Master smiled. “Now let’s
go somewhere nice, with a shoe shop. As you’ve said often enough, shopping is the best form of therapy.”
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