Sunlight streamed through the curtains and into Hannah’s eyes. She turned over and nuzzled her face into Claire’s shoulder. She opened one eye; this bed was very comfortable, far more comfortable in fact. She opened her other eye and discovered that they were in a different room. She got out of bed and looked out of the window, there was a view outside. This wasn’t the TARDIS; it was Earth. The man in the garden outside was that Brigadier friend of the Doctors! Pulling on her dressing gown, she woke Claire up. “Come on lazy, get out of bed.”
“Wha?” Claire asked bleary eyed. “What’s going on?”
“We’re on Earth, come on get your cute ass out of bed this very second and give me a kiss.”
Claire pulled herself out of bed and pulled on her discarded nightie, it had been one of those nights. “Where’s the Doctor?” She asked?
“I don’t know but the Brigadier’s outside mowing the lawn with a ginger haired boy.” Hannah led the way downstairs.
“Good morning.” Doris greeted the two girls. “Did you have a nice lie in?”
“Where’s the Doctor?” Claire asked.
“I don’t know. Alistair said that the Doctor had left the two of you in our care for a while.” Doris put two plates of bacon and eggs on the table. “Now eat up, you especially Hannah, you look like a stick insect.”
The Brigadier walked through the backdoor into the kitchen. “You’re awake at last? Good, good. You don’t happen to know what’s going on do you?”
“I have no idea.” Hannah said, munching into her hastily assembled bacon sandwich. “We went to bed together in the TARDIS, as usual, and woke up upstairs a few minutes ago.”
“Yes, well you’re welcome to stay of course. It’s been a while since we’ve had guests isn’t it Doris?”
“Oh yes. The last time we had guests was just after Winifred and Answlyn got married. They stayed here when their honeymoon was cancelled.” Doris filled the girls cups up with more tea. “How is our other guest doing Alistair?”
“Turlough? I’ve set him to work rolling the lawn. He’s doing more work now than he ever did at school.” The Brigadier poured himself a cup of tea. “Why don’t you two lesbians, I mean ladies, get dressed and freshen up? I’m sure we can find plenty of work for you in the garden.” Embarrased, the Brigadier left to keep an eye on Turlough.


After a long shower together they reluctantly got dressed, finding an assortment of clothes in the large oak wardrobe. There was also some make up and Hannah helped Claire to spike her hair up so that she looked like Elvira. They found Turlough downstairs nursing a cup of tea.
“The Brigadier’s had me rolling that grass all morning. It’s worse than being back at that school. I’m Turlough by the way. You haven’t seen my Doctor about have you? About my height, blonde hair wearing some sort of ye olde Cricket outfit.”
“No.” Claire informed. “Our Doctor’s vanished too. I expect she’s busy with something or other.”
“Your Doctor’s a woman?” Turlough gasped. “I suppose it’s possible, considering what I’ve learned about regeneration. Random fluctuations within the body and all that, I suppose that given all the factors it’s inevitable. He or she, given what you’ve told me, could quite literally assume any physical characteristics at all. I guess that’s why Mawdryn and his people were in so much agony, their bodies in constant flux but unable to die.” Turlough looked up to see that the two girls had gone into the lounge.
“Turn the telly on.” Claire demanded.
“I’m trying.” Hannah responded.
“There should be something on it by now. The TV’s in my era never took this long to warm up.”
“What era are you from?” Turlough asked, sitting down on a chair.
“1967.” Claire responded before taking the remote from Hannah and pushing buttons herself. “It’s working but there’s no signal.”
“I know.” Hannah replied. “I wonder if the Brigadier has any good films.” Hannah looked inside one of the cupboards in search of chick flicks.
“There’s a message.” Turlough pointed at the screen. “Coming soon Big Borusa. I wonder what a Big Borusa is?”
The simple message was replaced by a spinning Seal of Rassilon and images of the Doctor in all thirteen incarnation appeared one by one underneath the symbol.
“Oh my.” Claire stated.
“Get the Brigadier.” Hannah said to Turlough.

“Big Borusa my eye.” The Brigadier thundered as he took his seat in front of the television. “The Doctor better have a good excuse for this.”
Doris sat down next to the two girls on the sofa, casually nodding at Hannah to take her hand from down the front of Claire’s trousers.
The voice of demure Time Lady Davinamccall started to speak. “Coming shortly the beginning of an entertainment revolution. All Thirteen incarnations of the mysterious and enigmatic traveller and wanderer known as The Doctor have been placed inside the Big Borusa house. Every week you the viewers choose which one should be evicted until we are down to our final three surviving Doctors.”
“Bloody hell.” The Brigadier swore. “They’ve turned the Doctor into a spectacle for our entertainment!”
“Oooh!” Doris exclaimed. “I’ve made cakes, who wants one?”
Everyone said yes and held their hands up.
Davinamccall continued. “The Doctors are asleep inside the house and should be waking up shortly. Now as you know we’ve divided them up into two rooms, the first twelve Doctor are in the boys bedroom and the Thirteenth Doctor is alone in the girls bedroom.”
Hannah and Claire cheered as a shot of their Doctor appeared on screen.
“Yes, they’re waking up.” Davinamccall announced. “For the next ten weeks we will be bringing you non stop coverage from inside the Big Borusa house.”
The five viewers watched as the Doctors realised their predicament and tried to escape. Inevitably they realised escape was impossible and they tried their best to get along and failed. The only Doctor that got along with the others was the Tenth Doctor who was called Rick for the benefit of the viewing populations.
“Would you do him?” Hannah asked her bisexual lover Claire.
Claire though about it for a few seconds. “Maybe, if I wasn’t seeing someone better looking which I already am.”
“Make everyone a cup of tea Turlough.” The Brigadier asked his former pupil.
“Oh very well.” He complained.
“Me to.” Doris asked.
Claire and Hannah both asked for cups as well.
Turlough returned with a pot of tea, five cups and the usual sugar and milk supplements. “How’s my Doctor doing?”
“He’s hit three bread rolls for a six and another seven have gone for fours.” The Brigadier brought Turlough up to speed on the inter-Doctor bread roll test match.


They sat through a play the Doctors put on. “Who’s Emma?” Claire asked Hannah?
“Dunno, maybe the Doctor’s got herself a fancy girl stashed away in the TARDIS.”
“Play my eye.” The Brigadier complained. “I’ve seen better performances at the annual UNIT pantomime.”
“Oooh.” Doris exclaimed. “Who wants a drink of home made cider?”
Everyone said yes and were handed a glass or mug of green fizzy liquid.
“Very nice.” Claire said tactfully.
“Yes, delicious.” Hannah followed on, glaring at Turlough to agree.
“A fine vintage.” Turlough added meekly.
“Bloody Nora, are we drinking the same thing here?” The Brigadier demanded. “I’ve tasted better camel water when UNIT’s been in the Sahara desert.”
“Oh.” Doris looked downhearted.
They watched the telly some more. It was funny to watch the Doctors interacting with each other. Everyone got on with Rick who seemed to be telling everyone who he thought was going to be evicted first.
Hannah picked the phone up and dialled the number for the strange looking one with the white hair and the frilly clothes. It must have been a long distance call because it was seventy-two digits long. She was rewarded with a pre-recorded tape of Davinamccall’s voice confirming her vote.
The Brigadier handed Turlough a tenner and tolled him to order a pizza. He had to wait while Claire listened to the Thirteenth Doctor information line. “Hurry up.” He complained.
“Just a minute.” Claire snapped back before learning that her Doctor was to be known as Joanna on the show and she liked tea.
Turlough took the homemade mobile phone out of his pocket and used that to order the pizza. “Yes, I’d like a pizza please. What kind? What can I get for ten pounds? Ok that sounds fine. Address? We’re at Dunkillingdaleks House; it’s a large house about a mile and a half out of town. Ok an hour then, goodbye.” He switched the phone off.
“Any luck Turlough?” The Brigadier asked.
“They say they’ll be here in an hour. I had to use the mobile though because Elvira’s running up your phone bill on the premium call information line.
“She’s doing what?” The Brigadier’s face turned red then scarlet then purple.

“We’ll be back right after the break.” The Big Borusa logo filled the screen.
“Is your planet invaded by Zeglons?” President Romana’s image appeared on screen. “Can’t get rid of them? Then you need new Zeglonaway, it can completely rid your planet of them in less than a week or your money back.”
The next advert was a lot more interesting. A Dalek appeared on screen. “IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN BECOMING A MEMBER OF THE SUPREME RACE IN THE UNIVERSE THEN CALL THIS NUMBER NOW. OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR CALL. DO NOT DELAY OR YOU MAY BE EXTERMINATED.”
“Blimey.” Turlough gasped. “I’ve never seen such blatant false advertising in my life.”
“You’ve never seen American television then have you?” Hannah responded.
The doorbell sounded and Turlough went to collect the pizza. He brought it into the lounge and divided it up as equally as possible.
“Buy new Wirrrn hair gel, we guarantee you’ll never feel the same again.” The adverts finished and part 18 started.
Claire dialled the number for the Auton leg wax and ordered fifty pounds worth on her Galaxy Express credit card. The models legs had looked so smooth and shiny; she just had to try some.


It was during week four that ‘Rotten Rick’ as he had been dubbed was finally caught cheating by the other Doctors and evicted. He was replaced by another Tenth Doctor who had apparently stayed with the Brigadier and Doris for a while.
“Oooh!” Doris exclaimed. “Play us a tune on the guitar Alistair.”
The Brigadier whipped out his guitar and began to play The Fog on the Tyne. “Sing along” he encouraged the others who reluctantly did so.
‘Rick’s’ interview was strange as he sat with Davinamccall and told everyone he was astonished that he had been evicted for cheating. “It’s mystifying but if you live by the jelly baby, you die by the jelly baby.”


For the next fortnight they sat in front of the Television screen as two more Doctors were whittled down. There was a spoof Dalek invasion which was very funny because the audience were let in on the joke. Then disaster struck, the Thirteenth Doctor was evicted.
Dumbstruck Hannah comforted the tearful Claire until there was a knock at the door and Andred popped his head inside. “Come on you two, we have to get you to the studio before the Doctor has packed all her belongings.


Claire and Hannah sat on the sofa cuddling each other while they waited for their Doctor to arrive in the studio. Doris had accompanied them to make sure there was no hanky panky in the TARDIS while the Brigadier made Turlough redo some old maths homework.
The Doctor finally came into the studio and was hugged by her two companions. “I should go away more often if this is the response I get.” She joked before taking a seat between her two chums.
Davinamccall asked the Doctor a few questions about her time in the Big Borusa house and the Doctor replied as best she could. The Doctor drank the studio out of tea before the questions were over. A small group of Ogri cheered for the Doctor as she finally headed towards the TARDIS with Claire, Hannah and Doris so that they could return Doris home and catch the rest of the show.
Turlough greeted the future incarnation of the Doctor, he was glad to get away from writing out ‘I must learn my sixteen times table’ a hundred times.
Hannah cuddled Claire and ignored Doris’ disproving glare as her hands wandered. Let her look, Hannah thought as she held her lover closer.
The Doctor stood up suddenly. “Come on you two.” The Doctor said just before the final vote was announced. “There’s so much injustice in the world and only thirteen of me to stop it all.”
“Who wins?” Claire asked as the TARDIS doors closed shut.
“You don’t want me to spoil it for you do you?” The Doctor asked. “I’m sure you can catch the end of the show on the TV in your bedroom.” The Doctor returned her attention to the controls and the green plasma ball burst into life like an old, tired metaphor.