Captain Radcliff looked casually at the
transcript, reference code OOXXMMMYYY6Q/A, before it was filed away. It seemed such a silly thing to code this silliness top
secret, but further reading proved why it was necessary.
Good evening. First we report the news that Mars is at its closest approach for almost 20 years. It can be seen
low in the southwest after sunset. Now onto our main topic for the evening. Can life exist on other planets? With me is the
noted scientific advisor for the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce, Doctor Joan Doe. Good evening Dr Doe.
Please just call me Doctor, first I’d like to send a message to all those keen amateur astronomers out there. If you
spot any sudden bursts of green gas on the Martian surface there’s no need for alarm, it’s not the beginning of
an invasion fleet sent in large cylindrical containers. It’s just the Martian New Year, they’re rather excited
about it this year, it’s their Millennium you see. You should see the huge dome they’ve built especially for the
event. They wanted me to open some sort of giant Ferris wheel or something but I’d rather come here and talk to you
Well that joke brings us nicely onto the subject of little green men from Mars. Do you think
that it’s at all possible for life to develop outside of our Earth?
Well the chances of anything
invading this world are a million to one Patrick.
So you’re a bit of a sceptic then, Doctor?
Please let me finish. The chances of anything invading this world are a million to one on. Right now there is a
massive fleet of Cyber-Warships poised at Barnard’s Star ready for invasion as we speak. I’ll have to see about
them after this show, they cling to the hope that one of their little schemes will succeed and the Earth will become the new
So we shouldn’t worry about an army of invading Martians then?
well not this year anyway. I’m fairly sure they’ve got something no next year though. I’ll have to check
my diary. Ah no, it’s my fertility cycle. Yes, now the Martians invade in 2004, the afternoon of September the 11th
to be exact. They don’t like to invade before lunch, they think it’s not honourable for an enemy to fight on an
empty stomach. I’ll have to nip off later and have a word with them about that. I can’t have people invading Earth
when it takes their fancy, it would be far more considerate of them to consider my schedule first. How can I be expected to
defeat them if them don’t let me know hmmm?
Now what about life forms outside of our own galaxy?
The chances must be good of something evolving out there?
Oh of course. Life is far, far more abundant
that you give it credit. I know a couple of people from Andromeda. Hello Glitz and Dibber if you’re getting this signal
in 2 million years time. Now Galaxy 4 is very peculiar, my dear chum Haana has started a campaign to preserve a people in
that frightfully violent area. Why she started Save the Drahvins though is best left unmentioned, especially when you learn
what she wants to save them from. On the whole though there are very few races that can face the rather large gap between
galaxies. Oh and there’s an entire separate universe composed out of anti-matter for future generations to contend with,
but it’s best if they don’t make a big fuss about it.
So when can we expect to visit
any of these alien worlds? I for one would like to visit the Moon as it means a great deal to me.
I know this is short notice, but how about a quick stop off at Refusis while I deal with those pesky Cybermen I was telling
you about earlier hmmm?
Well that’s about all we have time for this month. Next month I’ll
be talking to Professor Thascales about his faster than light drive, which he claims to have invented for NASA. I’m
assured that the test model, which utilises the new technique of the transmission of matter through interstitial time, will
take years off me. Until then, goodnight.
Wait! Did I tell you that I’m a Time Lady from the planet
Gallifrey and that I’ve got two hearts? I am not like you, I am an alien! Well, ok, my mother was human but that hardly
matters when I was raised by computers does it? The Earth must awaken and claim its place in the cosmos. You must go out into
the stars and seize your destiny. Would you like a jelly baby hmmm?
Can we edit this bit out? There
seems to be armed troops running into the studio here. There’s some sort of officer heading our way.
obviously didn’t want me to speak the truth, not many people do. When you’ve brought down as many dictatorships
as I have people invariably get very worried when I open my mouth.
Doctor, you are under
arrest for breaking the United Nations charter.
The typical military arrogance, total obedience to your
laws, your doctrines. The time for all your dogma is passed. They are coming here, they will destroy you unless Earth stands
united. If you hide the truth your people will fall. Now go away and send that nice Lethbridge-Stewart here, he’s got
some intelligence at least.
Nonsense, arrest this woman at once.
will not resist arrest. You can lock me in that blue box while your trained idiots try to suppress the truth by intimidating
that table with their guns.
We are protecting the people of Earth from their own worst fears
and you’re not helping.
What do you want me to do then? Make you a cup of tea, while I watch the
Earth get destroyed, then tell you I told you so afterwards while I offer you a biscuit hmmm? Let go of me. I tried to warn
you and you refuse to hear.
Put her in that blue box. We’ll deal with her later.
You too Patrick, there’s room enough for four. Jean-Marc and Penny are reasonable enough company, just don’t
talk about rugby. They had a bit of a fight and they’re rather sensitive about the whole topic.
say, do they have to destroy all the equipment? No, not my Xylophone. My isn’t it big in here? What does this button
I’ll explain later. I’ll just close these doors or we’ll all end up an inch tall.
That box, it’s disappearing. Confiscate all records, take everything that isn’t screwed down
and take a screwdriver to everything that is. And turn that damn recorder off.
Captain Radcliff closed the filing cabinet
before locking it away with all the other hoaxes and scaremongers. There had been no alien invasion so obviously the woman
was misguided at best, insane at worst. Either way she had not been seen since. Besides that the Doctor was busy working upstairs,
with his assistant Alice,
in his laboratory. There couldn’t be more than one Doctor, he mused, could there?