Me and Terra talked on the phone this evening and it seemed to make her depressed, I wish I'd never even mentioned about reading her journal, that was how it all started. I just wish that we never had to talk about things like this, because every time we do she just ends up being depressed. I don't know how to feel about it and I don't know how to feel about anything any more. I just wish that none of her depression and everything that goes along with it was happening, because nothing can help it and nothing can ever make it better, we just move along from one day to another, and every time something new happens we just forget about it and move on and then more things happen but we always carry on and get through, and in the end everything is basically ok. I guess I have found ways to deal with things and I suppose that is a good thing, but still I know that things are gonna keep happening the way they are. I don't know if it was a good idea or a bad idea to talk about what we did on the phone tonight, probably neither, it doesn't make any difference either way. At the moment it seems like things are never really bad, like they were back before christmas, but then again they're never really good either. We still have good times together, but it seems like more and more bad things are happening at the weekends when we're actually together as well as during the week when we're apart. I told her about not really feeling anything sometimes any more, and how this has become my way of getting through things, and it's not like I don't care about her or love her any more, because I do, I care about her and love her just as much as I always have, I just don't become all depressed and emotional any more whenever she mentions being depressed or wanting to cut, or even feeling suicidal, because I know that after we talk about it and talk everything through it will all be alright in the end, and we'll always get through from one day to the next. Just because I can deal with all this now doesn't mean I don't still wish it wasn't happening, but sometimes I feel really numb and emotionless, just kinda like there's emptyness inside of me, and I can only ever feel happy when I'm talking to Terra about good things, when we're having fun and happy and laughing and joking, and when we're talking on the phone and when we're together and things are good, at all other times I just feel empty, not depressed exactly, just numb. I still care about her and I still wanna help her, nothing has changed really, except that I'm dealing better than I was, but there is always a price to pay. Sometimes I feel more like a zombie than a person, like I don't even have a soul and I'm just some emotionless person who cannot care about anyone else, who can't feel anything. I don't feel like this very often, just when things get bad and the numbness takes over. Sometimes I feel like I'm just running on autopilot, it's so hard to put all this into words, I tried to on the phone to Terra and I don't think I got it across very well, and I still don't think I'm getting it exactly even now, but I'm trying. I'm sorry if I'm making things sound really bad and terrible, because most of the time they're not, I feel happy or at least content, and in general I would still say that things are going ok, sometimes pretty well even, so I'm not exactly complaining, I'm just trying to describe the feelings I have sometimes. It's not easy, but I wouldn't change that fact that me and Terra met and fell in love for anything, it was still the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that sometimes I can be a jerk, especially when certain issues come up, she knows what they are, she talked about one of them in her journal, but that's just who I am, I can't change that part of me even though I try, and also a lot of the time I end up being right. I make no apologies for who I am, I have my problems and faults just like anyone does, and there's just some things that really get me worked up, even though I wish they didn't. I don't think there's really much more I can say, and just getting all of this out has already made me feel better. Even so I would still like to talk about it further with Terra, to find out what she thinks about it, and to talk about things in general, because it's always easier for us to do that in person. Ciao monkeys ;)