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So finally I get the courage to write on such a complex subject.
Just to give you a little background; I have thought of posting this article after giving counseling on a no. of friends about
their frustration with hunting for their right match.
I have lots of friends in the so called “marriageable age”
and most of them are doing well in their respective career; they are cosmopolitan, mature, open minded, humble and good looking.
In short most of them are eligible bachelors and ideally should get multiple proposals and should settle down after enjoying
the luxury of choosing from those multiple proposals. When everyone is good and looking for partners then why they are not
choosing each other. When there are so many eligible bachelors around then why it is so frustrating to find the right match
for one. What is the struggle for?
I have seen and analyzed a couple of cases and penned down some problems and possible
solutions based on my understanding. I have tried to generalize some specific cases assuming that being the part of bandwagon
I understand the general psychology of modern Indian youth in marriageable age. Here goes my two cents:
First
Problem: Whom we want our spouse for?
We don’t want our spouse for ourselves. We want him/her for our
friends, relatives, colleagues and all those people who have nothing to do with our marriage or married life. He/she should
be presentable, smart, modern in front of my friends, in my official parties and very homely and satyug ka avatar in front
of my family. Why the hell we don’t want to think what he/she should be with us? Why it is so difficult to accept that
it’s only and only we who are going to get affected by our respective would be’s traits?
After all how
long our friends are going to be with us. With the job switches and relocations faster than ever imagined we are never there
with the same friends for a long period of time. We keep on making new friends in different places. Still we are ready to
sacrifice our own requirements to impress that bunch of strangers with whom we have to meet for couple of hours on some odd
couple of weekends.
I am not sure how many people give a serious thought how the other person should be with me with
no existence of outside world. We don’t think much about that aspect as we are more than ready to compromise on that
aspect. What an irony we compromise on the characteristics we want in our life partners for ourselves and concentrate on those
which we want for the outside world. Yeah no doubt; it’s selfless but whom we are fooling at the end of the day.
It
is so strange but it’s so true. It’s very difficult to rescue this social trap laid by some unknown powers in
the society. But boy; what a strong trap it is.
Solution: Change of mindset; that’s it
Second
Problem: Why to get married – is being in mid 20s enough?
Our understanding of marriage is not at the
right place. Most of the Indians don’t get married because they want to rather they have to as a social norm. I believe
a lot of us really have not spent enough time ruminating upon what it really takes to consider a decision to make marriage
plans.
Online marriages are a runaway success. It is only in India that such business is operated on such a huge scale.
Because only in India it’s been taught to us that marriage is the most natural thing to happen once you reach your mid
20s. Only in India; people are courageous enough to marry a complete stranger after meeting couple of times and after gauging
him/her on some parameters decided by society. While I think we should not get married until we are really prepared for it.
I am not talking about the shopping and booking the hall.
Solution: One should be prepared to share
every damn thing from house, belongings, friends, relatives to joys, troubles, feelings, fears, insecurities, weaknesses,
habits and routine with some one for the rest of our life under the same roof. If one has grown mature to this extent only
then it’s the time to ring those wedding bells. Otherwise, trust me its better not to get married than getting married
and landing up in more troubles.
Third Problem: Expectations – too customized; too high and too unrealistic
Had
I been asked to summarize and categorize the expectations from my friends from their better half; the result would have looked
like this.
For girls: its looks, power and money
For boys: its just looks, looks and looks
Is that all???
Is that all you need to live a happy married life. What about trust, passion for each other, comfort level, matching frequency,
sharing and caring? Why we are not bothered about that? What if the Indian economy goes into depression – there will
be no oversized salaries then will you abandon your partner? What if the smallest of accident leaving that ugly scar of your
partner’s face – will you stop loving him/her? Do you really think these things matter for a healthy relationship?
Sometimes
I wonder after sudden growth in our economy; we have come a long way in our life styles, spending patterns, attitude and mindset
but how mature we have become as a person.
Our biggest problem is that after becoming habitual of ordering for customized
furniture, shoes, food and gadgets we have started expecting customized life partners as well. We want just the right attitude;
right wit; right ambitions and right money.
Life is not like that. Every trait of one’s personality
is associated with some good and bad points. If one is rich and successful chances are that one might be egoist as well; but
no we don’t want that. We are happy with only the rich and successful part; who wants to tackle ego. We want our better
halves to be super successful in their career and at the same time they should give us all the time in this world; how the
hell that’s possible??
Solution: What is required is a balance between the two extremes of yesterday’s
and today’s culture.
Fourth Problem: How much time is enough for the decision?
Let’s
not talk in terms of calendar time here. If a would be potential couple know each other for two years and see each other once
a month for two days, they may know each other about as much as a couple who have met a month ago. When you know that you’ve
seen the person at his or her most relaxed (and at his or her worst, for that matter), then and only then are you in a position
to speculate regarding what the future really holds.
Fifth Problem: Can a person doing well in career be a
good parent?
I have seen some couples who are extremely happy even after keeping so busy in their respective
schedules. My previous boss used to get up at 5 am everyday even after working late almost every night just to go for a morning
walk with her son as this was the only time she could manage to spend with him. How touching; people can say that she is not
a good mother as she does not spend much time with her kids but I believe she is a wonderful mother as the quantity of time
must be less but the quality was much higher. She knew everything about his school, his girl friends, and his interests and
hobbies. She used to attend all the parent meetings; used to help him for his summer jobs. How many mothers even after sitting
at home take such a deep interest in their kid’s life? Its all depend on your attitude. It’s all about making
that little extra effort and everything will fall into place.
If I will able to help even a single person in taking
“the right” decision; I will consider my time well spent :).
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