I'm Special

I'm special. There's no one else like me. I have special powers and abilities far beyond those of average people. I help old ladies cross the street. I volunteer part-time at a youth shelter, just to try to give something back to the community.

I speak a language that no one else understands. People think I'm the Devil. A swarm of locusts follows me wherever I go. Dogs run around in the yard whenever I come over. My blood is electric current that my body uses to heal itself.

I know all the words to every song ever written. I've read every book ever written in every language known to man and committed them all to memory, except the stupid ones.

I can fly and read minds and travel to other dimansions. I'm 175 years old. I can communicate with animals and everywhere I go people ask me for directions. I am a doctor and a lawyer, and there are remote parts of Central America where I am thought of as Chiroza, the mythical Bringer of Rain, but mostly that's just because I can control the weather. I'm a Super Kung Fu Ninja and a part-time Power Ranger.

I do have my weaknesses. I can only hold my breath for an hour and 20 minutes. I wouldn't survive standing any closer than 15 feet from ground zero of a nuclear blast. My powers are useless against anything colored purple....well, not really, but I really really hate the color purple.

I move like the night. I am a vapor. I can unhinge my jaw and swallow things three times my size. I can convert my body mass to energy and travel at speeds faster than light. I've had libraries and monuments named after me. Women bring their newborn babies to me just so they can stand in my shadow.

Join me! Join my fight for freedom and...oh, nevermind.

Ironies

Whenever anyone commits a horrible crime, people say one of two things. They say 1) "He was a loner, kind of kept to himself, I can't belive he would do something like that!" or 2) "He was a great guy, everyone liked him, the last person on earth you would expect to do something like that!" In other words, either he was social or he wasn't. So who do these people EXPECT to commit these crimes?

When someone dies, especially the victim of a horrible crime, especially if it's a young person, people always say "He was so full of life, always so friendly to everyone they ever met, everyone loved him." It's always the best and the brightest. Now, it could be that because they're the best, the smartest, or the prettiest that they become targets in the first place. It could also be that folks just say that about anyone who dies. I don't know. But if you pick the person who likes you the least, and just think that if you die a violent or untimely death, they won't have anything but nice things to say about you. So I guess there's some comfort, as well as irony, here.

When a woman is in a bad mood, guys say she's either 1) pre-menstrual, 2) menstrual, or 3) if she's older, it must be hot flashes from menopause. So she's either menstruating, not menstruating, or about to menstruate. And women get mad when men assume this. But on TV it seems like lawyers try all these tricks to get their clients off, but no one ever says they committed a crime because they were menstruating.