Your Next Blind Date

I'm really poor. I have no savings and I'm in debt up to my ears and sinking fast. I have four kids at home and I financially support 15 more from previous relationships, plus my invalid parents and a wife in a wheelchair. We live in a cradboard box in the middle of the freeway. My job sucks, but I can't quit, because a judge has ordered that I pay restitution to my "victims". What a crock that is. I have no health insurance, so I have to pay all my own medical expenses, which really sucks. They say I've got Mad Cow Disease, or that Flesh-Eating Bacteria, or something, I'm not really sure. It really sucks, though. Especially the lazy eye I sometimes get, and the uncontrollable drooling, which can get especially bad when my wooden leg starts acting up. I have a Coke bottle stuck on the end of my tongue, I haven't eaten in three days, and the entire left side of my face is numb.

Various Thoughts On Movies and Songs

I am so bored that I'm watching a video of "Swiss Family Robinson". I think I first saw this movie when I was like two. Of course, at two you're too young to know how bad it is. If they're Swiss, why do the parents have English accents, and why do the kids have American accents? Why did the captain of the ship they were on bring cows and pigs with them? Where did they get nails and hammers to make that treehouse? It just doesn't seem like enough of a hardship. You never see them scrounge for water and food. They know everything there is to know about tigers and elephants and ostriches and sea turtles. Would all those animals even live on an island in the West Indes? And at one point they even talk about seeing BEARS. In the West Indes. Bears. Right. And could they just make gunpowder?

If they made this movie today it would be a lot more like that Tom Hanks movie with that volleyball. Except this would be a whole family and they would each have their own volleyball. Except maybe the kid would have a softball or something.

I saw that Tom Hanks movie once. It was good. All except for that one boring part in the middle where he was stuck on that island. I wonder who would win if every character Tom Hanks ever played got in a fight. I mean like a bare-knuckle cage fight. The only one I ever saw throw a punch, I think, was Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump would just whup ass on that starving volleyball guy and the AIDS guy from Philadelphia. And that guy from "Big" wouldn't be so tough.

"Big" was a really good movie. I think that was a real guy movie, and that most guys really identify with a grown man who has the mind of a 12-year-old. Anyway, that movie was so good I'm surprised they never made a sequel called "Bigger". Or maybe now, since that kid is probably close to 30 himself, they could make a movie called "Little".

It also seemed very unrealistic that this kid found a machine to grant wishes and he only made one. Especially after he had sex. Maybe the machine only granted one wish, but the thing is he didn't even try.

Speaking of which, there's a country song on the radio sometimes where this guy sings about how if he had one wish for anything, he would wish for just "one more night" with his girlfriend or whomever. It's like one more night, one more sunset, blah blah blah... But then he says "But then again" after just one more night he would only want another, and another, etc.

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishin' still for one more day with you

I am certain it's meant to be romantic, but to me it just sounds stupid. This is the trouble with the morons who write country music, ok? The guy can wish for ANYTHING HE WANTS. Why not just more than one night? Why not absolute power over every living being in the entire universe, limitless wealth, and revenge against his enemies?

Country music isn't the only one that has stupid songs, though.

What about that song that says "Don't go chasing waterfalls?" How would you chase a waterfall? They're stationary. I mean you could chase a rainbow, because they will always be on the horizon, but a waterfall?

Or what about the one that says "show you the shape of my heart?" What does that mean? What different shapes do hearts come in? What would it mean if your heart was in the shape of, say, a tractor? Or is his heart like one of those ink-blot tests?

I've thought abouyt this one a lot and it still in no way makes sense to me. I've even argued about it with people and it always seems to go the same way.

You're being too literal. It doesn't mean that your actual, physical heart will be in a different shape.

So then what DOES it mean?

It's a metaphor.

A metaphor for what?

It's like when you say "My heart is true" or "What's in my heart".

I understand what's IN my heart. But I don't understand why my heart would be in the shape of something other than a heart, or why someone else would want to see it.

Now you're being difficult.

I mean, can you just use the word "heart," say whatever you want, and then when someone asks you what it means, just say it's a metaphor? It would seem so.

Thoughts From The Mailbag (January 30)

The line from TLC's Waterfalls that you refer to is only half stated in your...well statment

The line is not just "Don't go chasing waterfalls" It goes on to say "Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to" Meaning don't follow the waterfall. Now I know that you are going to say that the waterfall is stationary and that once you start to "chase" it you are then just following a stream or river or whatever but I am just saying that that is what was said in the song and the song is very good

I'm allowing you to express your views here because it's a free country (even though by your email address I see you are from Canada, and I don't know that ya'll say that up there, or if Canada even is a free country). Anyway, for the record, I have a wildly different opinion.

Oh also about Tom Hanks I think the character that would kick ass is is not Forrest but the drunk coach from A League of There Own. He just seems like a real hard ass.

I hadn't really thought about that. It may be that you're right. It may also be that he just seemed tough when he stood around with Rosie O'Donnell and Lori Petty and that really tall one I can't remember the name of. I didn't think of him, though, because I only saw that movie once. While we're on the subject, the guy from "Saving Private Ryan" would definitely be in there.