Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The author in no way advocates the overthrow of any duly elected government or governments by use of force, coercion, weather control, talking gorillas, or any means other than the due course of law. The author is not responsible for the implementation of these ideas and any attempts to do so are purely the responsibility of the evil super-villians.

I would like to be absolute ruler of the world. You know, like every time you see a superhero cartoon or an old James Bond movie, there's always someone who wants to take over the world. Usually, the supervillian is missing a limb or a piece of his face or something else for which he needs to overcompensate. It's actually kind of sad. But I wasn't going to speculate on the psychology of supervillians today.

Basically, I was just thinking about how all these guys always wanted to take over the world. We've hardly ever seen any of them succeed. I guess there were those three Phantom Zone villians in "Superman II", who did at least get all the world leaders to cede power to them, and they did manage to take over the White House for a while.

If it wasn't for spies and superheroes, it seems like actually taking over the world would be relatively simple. All you would need was a few nuclear bombs or a weather-control device or a way to make gorillas obey your mental commands, and you could pretty much drive the world to its knees. No normal person would be able to stop you, not even armies and stuff. They would all line up outside your headquarters and get pelted by hail the size of furniture, or overrun by mind-controlled gorillas.

The first mistake that supervillians seem to make, of course, is that no matter what their plan is to take over the world, there will always be a spy or superhero to come along and stop them. The interesting thing, to me, is that it's always a spy or superhero who is uniquely suited to the job. You know that Batman or Aquaman won't have to take on the Phantom Zone villians, and Superman won't have ever have to figure out the complex financial maneuverings of a James Bond villian. Another thing is that with these guys it's always, always personal. That's because the same heroes always take on the same villians. If I was a villian trying to take over the earth, the first thing I believe I'd do is identify and eliminate all the heroes that could stop me. Sure it might be expensive and take a long time to do, but it'd be a lot easier than spending a hundred bajillion dollars on a device that lets you talk to gorillas, if Superman or Captain America is just going to smash it anyway.

I say that this is their first mistake, and their biggest mistake, obviously, because none of them ever seem to get past it. But it's interesting to look at the one example we have where someone actually did it, in "Superman II".

First of all, all the world leaders give power over to General Zod. Fine. But then what does he do about it? Does he leave the President in place so that he at least doesn't have to worry about the day-to-day administration of a region as large as the United States? No. Does he appoint an Governor General to represent his interests? No. Does he sit around on his skinny Kryptonian ass and listen to his girlfriend bitch about how bored she is? Yep.

You see, this is the second big mistake these villians make. They have all these great plans to conquer the world and make everyone do what they want, but they seem to lack the organizational skills necessary to actually run the world. Either that, or they simply haven't thought that far ahead.

This is arguably the biggest mistake a villian can make. I mean, anyone can come along and say "Make me your supreme ruler", but no one's going to want to go along with it if you don't present a solid plan of action. You have to think. A weather machine or gorilla mind-control may get your foot in the door, but people generally don't take well to evil dictators.

You have to sell yourself. You have to say "I'm controlling the weather [or whatever] and I'm taking over the world...but from now on, there's a car in every driveway and a chicken in every pot." Get people to love you, and they won't rise up in revolution every ten or twenty years. And if anything goes wrong, blame Superman or Captain America.

Second, think ahead. Don't think you can just take over the world and just do away with the duly-elected governments that are already in place. Use what you have. Get the heads of state behind you and your cause; failing that, put your own guys in place. Let them do all the nuts-and-bolts work. Get other supervillians you can trust, and put them in charge of different areas and regions. Believe me, running the world is a full-time major pain in the ass, and you don't need the headaches.

And there is one more huge mistake that these villians always make, and I'm sure it's one that people in Europe or Asia or Australia would notice right away. That is, whenever someone wants to take over the world, they start with the United States. That's bad enough. But then they stop. No one ever tries to take over Africa or even Europe. No one ever even thinks to practice on one of these areas before trying to conquer the rest of the world.

What about Russia? It's huge and politically unstable and economically depressed. That should be easy.

If I was a super-villian, I believe I would start in a small country in Central America, establish a base of power, and expand from there. I would overthrow some drug-dealing dictator that no one would even object to, and by the time any super-hero even got around to even noticing me, it would be too late. Superheroes don't overthrow dictators.

And so, I think, by avoiding these common pitfalls, a super-villian is bound to meet with success. Good luck and happy conquering!