I think that people who buy new homes should be required to take courses
in household pests. I don't even think they need to be course in how to prevent them from getting into your home, or even
what to do if they do get in, but just a course to show people how big roaches and rats get, because most folks don't seem
to have any idea.
The course would obviously do very little to help the homeowners, but it would benefit me greatly,
because I won't have to hear such vivid descriptions every time one of these new homeowners sees a roach or rat how it was
the biggest one they'd ever seen. It seems like, no matter how many some folks see, the last one was always the biggest.
I'm
convinced that some folks just don't know how big they can get. That's why you hear them tell how they cover up the baby for
fear that a roach as big as a dog is going to carry it off. Or that a rat's going to eat their car.
Maybe they expect
that roaches don't get any bigger than crickets, and rats no bigger than mice. And then when they see one in real life, they
freak out.
Of course, no matter how big someone claims a thing is, someone's going to claim that they've seen one
bigger.
"A roach as big as a dog? I've seen one big as a car!"
"A
car?! That's nothing! I used to see 'em big as houses!"
"Big deal! I seen a roach EATIN' a house once!"
I don't know what kind of status these people hope to acheive. It's
like they expect to win some type of medal for having seen the biggest imaginary roach. And then bullies will all slink off
when they see this guy coming ("Don't mess with that guy, he saw a roach once!"), and pretty girls will swoon.
It's
not just roaches, though, of course. It's everything. I had a job waiting tables once and this one furniture delivery guy
used to come in every day who we used to call Mr. Dunnett. Because no matter what you say you did, he would say "done it".
And not just done it, but done it bigger, better, faster, more.
Sky-diving? Climbing the Himalayas? Moon mission? Cold fusion?
Done
it.
Calculus? Triginometery? Unified Field Theory?
Know it.
The running of the bulls? The Amazon rain
forest? Nuclear blast?
Seen it.
Reindeer steak? Acupuncture? Mineral oil enema?
Had it.
The most amazing thing about him, though, was that he seemed to actually believe that folks in the Waffle House hung
on his every word, and believed everything he said. I might have believed him, actually. If he was four different people,
had a hundred bajillion dollars, married to a supermodel, drove a nicer car, tipped better, and didn't spend every waking
minute at the Waffle House, I might have believed that he could somehow within one lifetime have visited as many places and
acheived as many things and known as many celebrities and historical figures as he claimed. But, that not being the case,
I couldn't help but question some of his claims.
I mean, seriously, don't we all know people like Mr. Dunnett? To
be accurate, don't we all know people like Mr. Dunnett's grandfather? Because most of them are very old. In the case of Mr.
Dunnett, this would actually have been advantageous, because many of his claims can then be chalked up to senility and Alzheimer's.
I sometimes wonder what Mr. Dunnett's life might have looked like if all the claims that he ever made were actually
true. We would probably be seeing headlines like
Local Man Knows Everything
Local Man's Unnamed Friend
Wins Lottery, Gives Him Half
"I'm Still Delivering Furniture," He Says
Local Man Cures Cancer,
Still Hangs Out At Waffle House
Waffle House Patron
Returns From Shuttle Mission
"No Hash Browns In Space," He Jokes
As things were, though, I expected the only headline he would ever generate was more along the lines of
Five Found Dead In Waffle House
Local Man Prosecuted In State's First
Death-By-Boredom Case
Mr. Dunnett would make a good cartoon character, I think. Like a guy
who sits in his chair and tells kids stories of all the places he's been and seen. But of course all the details would be
wrong, and he'd be telling them stuff that never happened.
I mean, say they did a show about "What To Tell Your Kids
About Mad Cow Disease", well, Mr. Dunnett's story would be all about how he faced off against a stampede of mad cows. Of course,
being an idiot, Mr. Dunnett thinks that "mad" means "angry". So the kids come away thinking Mr. Dunnett is a hero, but not
knowing anything more about Mad Cow Disease.
I kind of feel sorry for Mr. Dunnett, even though I never really liked
him. I wonder if he's still delivering furniture, and hanging out at that Waffle House.
