This entry is about Unsolved Mysteries. Whenever possible, the actual family members and police officials involved have participated in recreating the events. This entry is not a news broadcast.

I love the show "Unsolved Mysteries". It's not like "America's Most Wanted", which is also really good, but it's just that "Unsolved Mysteries" has such a broad range of topics they can cover: Missing persons, lost loves, fugitives, con men, ghosts, Bigfoot. I mean, say someone wanted to locate the person who saved their life in Canada in 1969, well, then they could just go on "Unsolved Mysteries" and maybe that person would be watching.

I watch it on cable repeats a lot, and it seems to me that a lot of the mysteries seem to take place in Canada. This is odd to me because Canada has never seemed particularly mysterious. Maybe someone involved with the show is Canadian, or has a special affinity for Canada? There to be a lot of missing persons in Canada. Do people get lost more up there, or is it just that Canadians are the only ones anyone ever tries to find?

If you have any information about the whereabouts of anyone from Canada, please contact Unsolved Mysteries in Burbank, California.

When you watch the show in repeats, it's weird. They show mysteries from 1985 that still aren't solved. 17 years ago, millions of people probably watched the show on primetime network TV and didn't solve it then, and I just have to wonder how many people are watching the same show now on cable repeats in the middle of the day.

Some mysteries will never be solved, like ghosts of psychic powers. Or Robert Stack's hair. They have these hotlines always set up for people to call in with information about missing persons and lost loves, but I bet half the people called in to say they saw ghosts.

Another weird thing about Unsolved Mysteries is like when they show ordinary people doing ordinary things, and then something weird happens. Robert Stack is always so calm and matter-of-fact about it, too, like "On the night of November 21, 1987, John Doolittle was walking to his car from a ball game when he mysteriously burst into flames." And then like the next time you leave a ball game you think "Golly, I hope I don't burst into flames." Maybe that's just me, though.

Changing the channel now to "Saturday Night Live" repeats. This political stuff just seems stupid now. And why don't they get rid of the musical guests? No one watches this show for music. And why do they still call it Saturday Night LIVE when it's on in repeats?

OK, here's a commercial for cat food. It says something about "If you could reverse the effects of aging in your cat..." Golly, if I could reverse the effects of aging, I think the last thing I would worry about is my cat. In fact, if I could reverse the effects of aging by sucking the life force out of cats, I swear, I would be like one of those old people with a house full of cats running all over. Unless I became a legend among the cats and they all ran from me in terror.

Then maybe I could be on "Unsolved Mysteries". Isn't it funny how everything comes full circle?

If you have any information about how to suck the life force out of cats to reverse the effects of aging, please contact Unsolved Mysteries in Burbank, California.

Here's another unsolved mystery. They call it the "Shadow Government". You know, the whole conspiracy thing. All I can say is, I hope the Shadow Government runs a lot more efficiently than the regular one does. I mean, the Shadow Government would have to be in control of everything, and every part of it would have to be in contact with every other part. Just go to traffic court one day and see how well that works in real life. Or try to pre-pay a parking ticket. Does the Shadow Government hold elections? Or issue driver's licenses? I mean, besides the microchips in our brains.

If you have any information about the Shadow Government and how it operates, please contact Unsolved Mysteries in Burbank, California.

Ebeneezer Scrooge was known for being a miser and for hating Christmas and for making people miserable. The last ghost showed him what the future would be like, that when he died everyone would be happy and he would be remembered for being a jerk. This freaked him out so bad that he totally changed his ways, gave away lots of stuff, and started taking care of people and being more generous.

It just doesn't seem fair, then, that today when someone says "Scrooge", you immediately think "Jerk Who Hates Christmas". Isn't that exactly the opposite of what the story was supposed to be about? Shouldn't people say "Scrooge" and think "Charitable Old Guy Who Was Nice To People"? Or at least "Freaky Old Dude Who Changed His Ways And Became A Better Person"?

It's the same thing with the Grinch. People hear "Grinch" and they think about a green furry monster who ruined Christmas in Whooville. But the point of the story is not that he STOLE Christmas, but that he gave it BACK, and his heart grew three sizes. Now, in humans, an enlarged heart is a BAD thing, but maybe Grinches are different....I just don't think it's right that he's just remembered for the bad things.

This is another unsolved mystery!!!!

I'm tired of doing the mystery disclaimer plea-for-help thing.