Thomas Jefferson

I heard someone the other day talking about Thomas Jefferson and how he and some of the other framers of the Constitution would be shocked, today, by how we've allowed the Federal Government to take away our freedoms. I think a great many things would shock Thomas Jefferson if he could see how we live today, but I don't think that not having curbside pickup service at the airport would be high on his list. Infact, most of the things that would shock him aren't (or wouldn't be) how our freedoms have gotten away from us, but at how many we have to begin with.

The first thing Jefferson would notice, no doubt, is that we have no slaves. I've heard people say that Jefferson really struggled with the issue of slavery while he was framing the Constitution, and I believe it. But I don't think he "struggled" in the sense that he was trying to find a way to get rid of it; I think he was thinking "How can I keep all my slaves and still get by with this 'all men created equal' line?" Most of those guys owned slaves, and even among the ones who didn't, very few of them objected to it on any kind of moral grounds.

Keep in mind how totally insane these guys were. They led a bunch of rednecks with pitchforks against the greatest army in the world at the time, and they won. And despite all the romantic images you may have in your head, in most places they didn't have a lot of support (I've read that in some places Loyalists made up 2/3 of the population), and even after they won the war, no one had a clear idea of what form the government should take.

No one at the time had ever heard of a democracy or a free market economy. They got a lot of ideas from Ancient Greece and Rome, and works like Plato's "Republic," but getting ideas from that book is like someone today trying to base a government on "The Land of Oz". A lot of the stuff they just made up, like elections, separation of powers, checks and balances.

And still they bitched and fought. And I totally mean fought. There were fistfights all the time. Some folks wanted a strong federal government, while others wanted to establish a loose confederation of sovreign states. Some folks wanted to restrict slavery, others obviously didn't. Some folks wanted to expand quickly, some folks wanted to restrict imports and impose tariffs, it was a MADHOUSE! And there was no model, no precedent, they were just winging it.

Now, a lot of countries helped us win the war, most notably France. And it's great that they did and all, but I don't think they liked or admired us as much as they just hated the English. If you see two people fighting, and you're really not too sure about one of them but you really really hate the other one, it never hurts to jump in, slap the guy real hard, and then run away.

So anyway, here were these crazy Americans with this brand new country and only a vague idea of what to do with it.

They talked a lot about liberty back then, but it definitely wasn't for everyone. Women were non-people, slaves obviously had no say in what happened to them, and no one could even vote or hold office if they didn't own property. A lot of conservatives will say that none of that matters, and a lot of liberals will say it's all that matters. I think it matters, but I think that the steps that they took back then were obviously enough to get us to where we are today, even if it was nowhere near where we needed to be.

Most folks think they had little debates, settled them, and then moved on. They're partly right: They did move on. They just never settled anything. That's why we had little bumps in the road like the Civil War later on. I wonder did these old rich white guys know that by not settling a lot of these issues they were just passing them along to their kids and grandkids.

I think Jefferson wouldn't object too much to what America looks like now. In his day he probably would have reserved a lot more power for the individual states, but even so he'd have to recognize (especially after September 11) that we need a strong Federal infrastructure. The economy would probably freak him out, especially industries like entertainment and porn, and the internet would probably give him a heart attack and kill him all over again.

The long and short of it is, I think if Thomas Jefferson were alive today he would be rolling over in his grave.

Quit Smoking The Gross-Out Way

Sometimes, to quit smoking, people put up pictures of diseased lungs so they can see what kind of damage they're doing to their bodies. I don't know anyone who's ever successfully quit smoking using this method, but I suppose there could be some. Provided it was someone who knew what an actual, healthy lung looked like, and wasn't grossed out by looking at them.

I mean, you see this lump of blackened tissue and a blurb that says "Do you want your lung to look like this?" Well, that depends. I don't want my lung cut out and set on a lab table in front of a camera under even the best of circumstances.

Is it possible for something to be natural or good for you and still completely gross you out? As a guy who's been in a delivery room twice, I can guarantee you that it is.

Things like:

1) blowing your nose,
2) the entire digestive process after chewing,
3) getting sprayed by skunk oil,
4) knowing where skunk oil comes from,
5) two words: afterbirth,
6) changing a colostomy bag,

ewww. That's enough.