Pain & Fear

Pain is just God's way of telling us that things can get better.

We go to great lengths to avoid pain and fight pain, and well we should. Because unless you're a demented freako pervert, pain is unpleasant. But like it or not, we need pain.

There are kids born with this weird nerve thing where they don't feel pain. Most folks get too close to a flame and they jump back, because they feel pain and their brain tells them "Back up!" but these kids could burn their arms clean off and not feel a thing. They can hardly ever leave their houses and when they do you have to watch them all the time.

If someone really pisses us off, our first instinct is to lash out at them. If we cause them pain, then they'll stop. It's a natural instinct. I mean, a lot of people will say that we shouldn't be this way, and they're right, but I guess we have to decide early on whethere we're going to follow our instincts or decide to be better than our instincts tell us to be.

If someone close to us dies, we hurt. Something's missing. Most times we get over it, but the hurt is there to tell us that things can get better.

Fear kind of works the same way. Like Indiana Jones was afraid of snakes, but that's not such a bad thing, is it? Because snakes really can kill you. I know in the comics they like to show how Superman was never afraid of anything, but if he wasn't afraid of Kryptonite, I'd think he was an idiot.

Now don't get me wrong. Fear can be irrational. I mean, Superman could have been so afraid of Kryptonite that he never left the Fortress of Solitude. And then Lex Luthor would be running the world. And that would suck. But you don't need me to tell you that. Who wants to have to bow down to a bald mad genius?

I know there are people who like pain and fear, and while I support people's rights to believe or like or do whatever they want, I still think these people are freaks. I mean, I don't hate them; I just think they need help.

When I Grow Up

When I was a kid I wanted to be a street mime. I don't know why. I was intrigued just by the concept of pretending to do things that no one in real life would ever do, like sewing their fingers together or shutting themselves up in a big box they can't get out of.

My sister once took me to a park and there was a mime there. He didn't seem real, so I kicked him to make sure. I'd never seen anyone that pissed off and still not make a sound. I still wasn't sure if he was real, but my sister hustled me on out of there. My dream of being a street mime died that day.

Most of my friends wanted to be policemen or firemen. I reckon when you're six years old, those jobs sound a lot more interesting than they do when you're 30.

I'm not saying anything bad about policemen. I know all about the hero cops in New York and all that. But like two weeks ago, some uniform downtown impounded my car for having an expired tag even though I told him I'd paid it already and was just waiting for the new decal in the mail. I'm not bitter or anything, I mean, I know he was just doing his job, but impounding someone's car is pretty major, I think. All I'm saying is that for every hero cop in Manhattan, there's a hundred bajillion guys in uniform salivating over every license plate sticker with the wrong number on it.

As for firemen, well, I think it's great that they rush into burning buildings to pull people out. I still don't think I would mind doing that myself, even today. Well, except that I would actually have to go into the burning buildings.

I do have one friend from grade school who works for the FBI, which is totally cool. I haven't talked to him in 15 years, but I still like to tell people that I have a friend in the FBI. Because then I sound cool, too.

And so, with my dream of being a street mime dead, and unable to find a job where I could be a hero without also risking my life like a maniac, I kind of drifted aimlessly with no direction or purpose for like 30 years.

And then I found the night shift. No one wants to work the midnight shift, and for good reason. The hours suck. Most places have to pay folks extra to get them to work midnights. But in most cases, there's very little work to do, and no one to look over your shoulder. The only complaint I have is, for doing nothing, they don't pay me near enough. Because I'm very good at it, and have lots of experience.

And so, the story has a happy ending. Even though I don't get to entertain people or be a hero, in my own little way I like to think that I can be just as annoying.