How To Annoy Just About Anyone

It's funny to say "Huh?" all the time, especially when you are the one asking the question. But you have to time it just right. If you ask someone "How you doing?" you have to wait until they are actually saying the word "fine" before you go "huh?" If they've already said "fine" then its too late. You don't really want to seem hard of hearing, just impatient, or even like you weren't paying attention. Like maybe you asked the question "How you doing?" and in the .002 seconds it took for them to say "fine," you found something more interesting to pay attention to. You have to say "huh?" at least twice, or until they yell, because anything more than that is just going to piss them off. Also, make your voice just a bit above your normal speaking voice, not so loud that you're yelling, but just loud enough to get them to raise their voice. Ok, so if you remember those three rules of 1) timing, 2) repetition, and 3) volume, you're ready to go. Ok, now try it with someone you know:

"How you doing?"
"Fine."
"Huh?"
"Fine."
"Huh?"
"FINE!!!"

At this point, just continue with the conversation as if nothing has happened.

Now, if someone is depressed or they have a serious problem, and if you say "How you doing?" they may take it as an invitation to talk about their problem. I'm not suggesting that you be so cruel or heartless as to start yelling "huh?" before they even get a chance to start talking about it. You want to wait a little bit, not too long because then you would be right in the middle of a conversation and that would be rude. So, first try it a few times like I showed you above, and once you have it down you can move on to something like this:

"How you doing?"
"Not so good."
"O, I'm sorry to hear that. What's wrong?"
"My dog just died."
"Huh?"
"My dog just died."
"Huh?"
"My dog just died!!!"

Now its very important that you do this with a completely straight face and give no indication that you are joking. This might not seem funny to read about, or even the first few times you do it, but if you practice and get it down correctly, it will annoy people just enough to be hilarious but not so much that they'll hate you.

Another funny thing to do is disagree with people. I'm not talking about arguing with people, which is a completely different thing. I'm not talking about taking a stand on things that matter, or things you feel strongly about. Just when someone makes a statement, disagree for no reason, see how they react and proceed from there. Some people make statements to kind of sound smart, or maybe to start a conversation, and if you disagree with them they kind of get lost. It can be lots of fun, especially when the person you're talking to has no idea you're kidding around..

It's important, again, to be completely serious. If they get angry you'll probably want to quit, but if not, just keep sticking to your guns even if its a subject you know nothing about. You can even concede point after point, and you never have to back up what you're saying, but in the end just insist that you are right. Say you go to a party and some guy starts talking about the economy:

"Man, if interest rates keep going up, we could be headed for a major recession."
"No, we won't." (Say this is in such a way that not only is the person telling you this totally wrong, but that even a mentally-challenged third grader would know it).
"What do you mean? Of course we will! Interest rates go up and people are afraid to spend money and blah blah blah..."
"Well, of course! But that doesn't mean there'll be a recession."
"But blah blah housing and blah blah stock market blah blah"
"So what?" ("So what" is always effective)
"So what?!? So that's what a recession is! No one has any money, prices go up, and it gets harder to find work."
"That's not what a recession is."
"Yes, it is!"
"No it isn't"

But you can take it a step further. It only requires a little bit of thought, but you have to be very quick. That is, you can actually make up facts and statistics to disagree with people. This is much easier than you think it is. You can even make up people. Unless a politician is involved in a scandal, the only person in Washington that the average person will recognize by name is the President. Say you're talking to someone from Ohio, you can say "Senator Triptin from Ohio" and they won't know that you just made him up because they don't know the names of their own representatives and they're afraid to tell you that. And if they do question you, you can say "O, I thought he was from Ohio" and that makes them feel smarter and puts them off-guard, or you can say "You don't know the name of your own Senator?" So you see, you can speak with confidence......not confidence that you're as smart as anyone else, but confidence that everyone else is as ignorant as you are.

Most people won't believe me that this is easy to do, but it totally is. You can make up facts and figures, but the thing is you have to be careful and not get too technical or they'll know you're lying. You can make up names of economists, politicians, scientists, universities, companies, and even countries.

Once I was talking to an Assistant Pastor about something to do with marriage, I forget what. And he quoted something from the bible I forget what, and anyway I told him there were two words in Greek that meant "wife". One is "wephilios" which is where we actually get the word "wife" but also contains the root for the word "philios" (which means "brotherly love" and is where we get words like "Philadelphia"), and this word altogether implies that a wife should be an equal partner. But the other word for wife is "atmos" which means footservant. He knew me so he knew I was kidding but his wife didn't know me so well and she kind of freaked out.

Once I made up the names of car parts and their functions when I was talking to a mechanic. When he said I didn't know what I was talking about I said he must just work on older cars.

I don't know if I could ever seriously do it to cheat or humilate someone or win an argument, but for the few minutes that they don't know you're kidding around its really funny.

Ok, let's take another look at the recession conversation and see how we might have handled things differently. But keep in mind a few things, and this is off the top of my head, but we'll want to mention a few names like "Greenspan" who is the chairman of the Federal Reserve, and "Senator Moynihan" who is a real senator; I don't know what he does or who he is but his name kind of sounds like "money". Also, use words like "feduciary" (which I can't spell but at least I can pronounce), "excise," "capital," and "the fed."

"Man, if interest rates keep going up, we could be headed for a major recession."
"O, I doubt it! Greenspan just announced he's cutting eight points from the excise gains on federal bond futures." (obviously, since we just made that up, they won't know what we're talking about, but probably won't admit it and even if they do, you can just shrug and say "That's what I heard" and then he can just plow right ahead.)
"Well, with gas prices going up I'm just worried that unemployment blah blah.."
"Well, maybe, but if the Fed goes along with Moynihan's proposal it could just mean an across-the-board abbrogation of ALL feduciary capital, and that's just domenstic. Who knows what's gonna happen in Europe?"

So you see, all you have to know is a few words and you can annoy anyone. It's very funny, especially when other people are listening.

Ok, now, if those things sound too complicated there are any number of things you can do to annoy people:

Take the cap off a permanent marker. Stand behind someone and hold it next to their face, pointing forward. Tap them on the shoulder. When they turn around, they'll get a big black line across their face.

Nudge someone's elbow while they're writing. This also works with women putting makeup on.

If you have a sink with one of those squirt guns on it that you use to wash dishes, make sure it's in the holder pointing forward and put a rubber band around the trigger thing. The next person who turns on the water will get squirted.

When your spouse or your mom or your teacher is giving you instructions or directions, look at something else. When they ask if you're listening, act offended and say "Of course I am!" And then let them finish. When they're done, say "Say it again!"

When your spouse or your mom or your teacher is telling you that you did something wrong, put your fingers in your ears and say "LA LA LA LA NOTHING NOTHING LA LA LA LA".

Point your finger, wink, and click your tongue twice real fast. Do this every time someone asks you a question or says hello. It doesn't sound annoying. Trust me, it is.

Scotch tape the button of the phone down so people will think they're answering it and it'll keep ringing.

More Thoughts On What Happens When You Die

When people talk about dying, inevitably they'll get around to talking about how people die and how they want to die. I mean, hardly anyone really WANTS to die but everyone knows that you have to some time, and so most people have their own ideas about how they would prefer to go. Most everybody would choose something quick and painless. The painless part I get, because who wants to feel pain? But the quick part is a little less obvious. Because even though everyone says they're not afraid of it, I think everyone is scared of dying. And if they go quickly they won't have to face it, or think of anything "deep".

If you've ever known anyone who's had to face it then you know what I mean. Anyone who's ever been told they have cancer or something like that and had to go around knowing they didn't have much longer, I mean. Everything about them changes. I don't wish it on anybody but at least they get to make their peace with it and say goodbye to everyone.

Most people are just afraid of it, though, because they don't know what comes after, and most people are probably afraid that nothing comes after. You know all that talk about "being with God" but most people don't have much use for God now.

As for me, I'm not sure what exactly happens when you die. The Bible tells us we're supposed to fear God, which is like the one instruction that the Bible gives us that I don't have any trouble with. I mean, not lying and not coveting is hard, but fearing God I can handle.

I don't know what heaven's supposed to be like. The only things I know from the Bible are that there's no fear or pain, ok. Cool. They say we will be singing the Lord's praises. I don't reckon I have a problem with that, although I am not much of a singer; maybe I could hum or play the kazoo. Or, you know how when you're in school and you can't participate in something, they have like arts and crafts or sit you down to do math problems. Maybe I could do that. The only other thing I know is there won't be any marriage or sex. I know to most people that sounds disappointing because most folks sex is all they ever think about. I have to admit, I think about sex as much as anyone, but when I think about not ever having sex in heaven, all I keep thinking is, cool, that must mean there's something better. I don't know what, maybe they have really good hamburgers.

Hell I'm not so sure about. I mean, its not that I don't believe in it, just that I don't know what it's like and I haven't thought about it much. I guess I just think of Hell as being total separation from God. Most folks don't believe in it at all, unless for some reason Hitler's name comes up. Most folks think Hitler's in hell, but to hear them talk you'd think he was the only one there

But aside from Heaven and Hell, which most folks don't give much thought to, about the only other thing to consider is what to do with your stuff and what kind of funeral to have.

I don't have any stuff, unless you count my organs. I don't care what they take of those, except I only would have one request: I'm pretty sure that my liver won't be any good to anyone, but if it is, I just don't want it going to David Crosby. Not that I have anything against him, but I think he's had like six already.

Every religion and culture has its own ideas about what to do with a body. Some of them burn it, some of them make mummies out of it, and some bury it. Klingons don't do anything, they just say that the body is an empty shell and dispose of it, which is kind of how I feel about it. Nowadays you can also have your body freeze-dried so that you look totally real, you know, like a mannequin. Most people do that because they can't bear the thought of rotting in the ground, but I wouldn't care about that so much as it just sounds like a good way to freak people out. You know, not tell anyone about it and then set me in front of the TV and then when people come over to see how my wife is doing they have a heart attack. And then when like friends come over they set their coats on me and say "What do you think, Mark?"

And finally there's the funeral, and everyone you leave behind when you die. Everyone likes to imagine that they'll have a big elaborate funeral with everyone dressed in black, and people freaking out and crying all over the place. And then the people who were ever mean to you would be racked with guilty and crying "Why o why o why was I ever mean to him?!" And like all the good-looking girls you knew would get all drunk and talking about how they were secretly in love with you.

The reality would be a little different, though. I mean, people would be crying of course and some people would undoubtedly wear black, but lots of folks wear black anyway especially after Labor Day. I guess the test would be to die before Labor Day and see who shows up wearing black. Unless you're a major Goth or something. I can't bear the thought of any pain touching my children's lives but at the same time I would hope they didn't show up to my funeral shooting spitballs at one another and laughing and carrying on. You know back in school there were kids who picked on me but I can't imagine that any of them regret it, let alone show up for my funeral. And if any women knew me before I was married and were in love with me and carried a torch all these years AND show up for my funeral.....well, let's just say that there are better odds that I would come back to life and climb out of the coffin. None of it would matter, anyway, because I wouldn't be there.

And the worse part of it is, even if all that did happen, they would all have forgotten and moved on in a week or a month or a year.

I don't know how many lives I've touched or changed or whatever. I don't reckon it matters, because all I can really consider is the future. But I'm sure someone would have something nice to say about me when I die.

Golly, I just had a horrible thought. You know how sometimes people say or write things and then they die and then it turns out that the last thing they said or wrote turns out to be really ironic considering that THEY DIED RIGHT AFTER? You know like if it turns out that Lincoln's last words were "I've always loved the theater but I consider actors temperamental, violent pricks." Well, what if that last paragraph turns out to be my last words? That's creepy.

Well, let me just say this. If it turns out that all this talk about dying is some great big irony and I wind up dying tomorrow (which now that I said that I doubt it will), I just want to add one thing. I don't want to be frozen in the hopes that someday science will find a cure for whatever kills me. I know everyone always hopes that that stuff will work out for the best, but I don't want to wake up in 200 years with a robot body. And anyway with my luck it would be more like "We've got good new and bad news for ya, pal: The good news is that here in the future we live in peace and your brain anyeurism is no big deal. The bad news is, well.......did you ever see Soylent Green?"