Judging By Appearances

They say you can't judge a book by its cover, and maybe that's true. But at least you can tell what the book is about, who wrote it, how much it costs, and little blurbs by the New York Times saying "I read this book and it's great!" Well, all that being said, I guess you actually can judge a book by its cover. Sort of.

People still love to say it, though.

People, especially young kids, love to do the non-conformity thing. Back in the 60s it was the long-haired hippy look. In the 70s there were punks in leather with mohawks (which is funny to see kids do today and think they're on the cutting edge or something). Then you had preppies and jocks and potheads and each of them had their own "look," and for the most part you can always tell who is who. And you always knew who were the geeks you could stuff in trashcans or who wore gang colors you didn't want to mess with and who was using you could score the best pot from.

And if you ever ask someone why do they dress all in black and powder their skin chalk white, or why dress with swastikas all over them and shave their head, or why they wear gang colors or whatever, they always say the same thing: This is who we are and what we like and how we live. We're making a statement and this is self-expression.

So, they're expressing themselves and making statements and letting us know who they are. But then, if you say anything negative, they say "Don't judge me by how I look."

If you join a gang so that no one will mess with you, fine, whatever. Express yourself. But don't piss and moan when the police start busting down on gang activity that they're judging you on how you look. If you get a buzz-cut and carve a swastika in your forehead, go for it, whatever. But then don't bitch about it when some kids jump you for parading through their neighborhood. You can't have it both ways.

So people say "You can't judge a book by its cover". I say that's what the cover is there for.

The Terminator Part II, Part II

I got a tape of the two Terminator movies and was ready to put them in but I had to wait til someone else at home watched a movie called The Corn Is Green with Bette Davis. Its 1895 and she inherits an estate in a small Welsh mining town and decides to start a school for all the miner kids. About halfway through the movie, right before I fell asleep, I thought, you know what this movie needs? A terminator unit. It would be great if Bette Davis's name in the movie was Connor and she'd been targeted for termination and the humans sent someone back to help her.

SCENE I: A small Welsh mining town. A dozen coal-miner kids sit covered in soot in a classroom, at the head of which stands BETTE. Suddenly the door bursts open and ARNOLD enters with two big Uzis blazing. REESE enters from the right, knocking ARNOLD down with a blast from a shotgun.

REESE (to BETTE): Get down!

BETTE: Young man! While I am certain that the use of such a tone is commonplace in whichever township is unfortunate enough to claim you among its population, it is not considered proper...

(REESE tackles BETTE as a home-made plastique grenade comes flying through the window)

Big explosion

Cut to: A close-up of REESE pressing BETTE to the ground as the miner children scream in agony.

BETTE: I beg your pardon!

ARNOLD re-enters

REESE drags BETTE out the door

REESE: Come with me if you want to live!

BETTE: You must be mad! Mad, I say!

SCENE II: REESE and BETTE zooming across the countryside in a horse-drawn carriage

REESE: Listen, Bette! Do exactly what I say! Don't move unless I say, don't talk unless I say!

BETTE: You seem to know a great deal about me, sir, but I'm afraid you have me at quite the disadvantage, as I have yet to even be informed of your proper name.

REESE: Kyle Reese, Sergeant Human Defense Force Service number XJ7042Y. I've been sent back to protect you. You've been targeted for termination.

BETTE: Termination, you say! Balderdash! Whoever that man was with those dreadful weapons, he is a ruffian and a nincompoop and I daresay he'll get quite an earful from the constable at Hamptonwestberkfordshire. Now, turn this carriage around at once! At once, I say!

REESE: You can't go back! He'll kill you til you're dead and buried in the ground forever! Don't you get it?! Its all he does, is kill people til they're dead and buried in the ground forever! He's a cybernetic organism designed specifically for that, very hard to spot, he sweats, eats, talks, and kills people! That's all he does!

BETTE (straightening her skirt): Yes, I understand that he kills people, thank you. But I do believe that the authorities will have something to say about....

REESE: You don't get it, do you?! He kills people! It's all he does! He won't eat, sleep, dream, or take a dump until you are dead and....

BETTE: ...and buried in the ground, yes. Forever.

SCENE III: The country estate at Southbingchesterwesthamford. Michael and Bette have sex.

SCENE IV: The Iron Foundry at Easthamchestershire where ARNOLD is melted down.

Coming soon: TERMINATOR II: I've Got Rhythm, starring Fred Astaire as the T-1000. He sings! He dances! He kills people til they are dead and buried in the ground forever!

One lesson you learn from the Terminator movies though, is not to stop to help anyone because they are probably robots who want to kill you. Don't make fun of naked bodybuilders because they will probably just take your clothes and kill you. It was too bad that you couldn't kill a Terminator by saying the "F" word or they wouldn't have stood a chance against Sarah or John Connor. And aren't Terminators supposed to blend in? Why did they all have such thick accents?

Coming of Age

Have you ever seen a coming-of-age movie? They're like chick movies in that they're all about feelings and relationships, and they also have no plot, but the difference is that the characters are usually younger and they usually learn things too. And while these movies are also about big events, usually they're school dances and graduations instead of weddings and funerals. These movies start out with fun and good times and practical jokes, from there they move on to soul-searching with lots of dialouge, and finally to the emotional ending which also usually includes a slow-motion montage of the fun and good times and practical jokes. Sometimes it ends with a wedding, and most of the time the wedding is because someone is pregnant. Sometimes it ends with a funeral, either one for a character who was sick throughout the movie and battled his or her disease right up to the bitter end, or an unexpected accident or even a suicide. But mostly its a graduation or a prom. Except in the rare cases where it just ends and there is no big event. So there is a lot more flexibility with these than there is with chick movies.

In these movies, during the soul-searching part, they have big long conversations that go like this:

"I can't just stand there, Bobby! I'm sorry, but I can't just stand there and pretend not to know what I'm feeling!"
"I know that, Jim, and I hope you realize that I'm the kind of friend you can count on enough not to insist that we both know how things should be!"
"It's not that simple, Bobby. You know it and I know it. I wish it was but it's not!"
"I know that. I'm scared, Jim."
"I'm scared, too, Bobby. I'm scared of all the things that come crashing down around us every day, and I'm scared of all that we let slip through the cracks, and I just don't want to let it go!"

And it goes on and on and on and you have no idea what they're talking about but you're pretty sure that one or both of them is about to admit he's gay. Either that or the more dominant one is about to have an accident that leaves him dead or crippled. That happens a lot in these movies.