June 30, 2002

Sometimes I go outside and I look at bugs and I wonder if they have minds, and do they think, and if so what do they think about? I wonder do they just think about eating all the time, because that's all they ever seem to do. And they don't seem to be real picky eaters, either, because they eat just about anything. In fact, that's just about the only reason we notice them, because they're always trying to eat us. I wonder how bugs see us, and sometimes I wonder how we would see something that was as much bigger than us as we are of them. I don't know if I said that right because I'm on medication. Ok, say an ant is a bajillion times smaller than us, what if there was something a bajillion times bigger than us? That would be weird. I wonder if we'd try to eat it. I mean, would we just bite into it, or would only the very brave venture forth to cut off chunks of it to cook? It would probably swat us, or spray some weird crap at us to kill us. I wonder is that how ants see us? Maybe they have legends and myths about a super-ant who once ate a whole person.

Of course, some bugs fly, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like if people could fly. It would probably wear us out, so like fat people would never fly. I mean, fat people don't like to walk and sometimes it's about all you can do to get them to even stand up, so it would be expecting a lot for them to fly. Of course, I don't think I've ever seen two bugs collide in mid-air; I don't know why that is, but I'm certain that people would do it all the time, because most people are really stupid when it comes to things like moving or thinking, and flying would probably involve both of those things. We could have some really cool atheletic events.

I'm glad my name isn't Chachi, and I wonder who thought up the name Chachi, and was there ever a real person named Chachi? If there is, he probably gets made fun of all the time. It sounds really funny if you say it over and over. I know, because I've been doing it for two days. Of course, it's no more weird that Fonzie or Squiggy or Gilligan or Pugsley or Lurch or Opie or Gomer or Jethro. Those are all weird names and I think most of them are made up.

I think a good first date, for a guy, is to take her to Subway. Because you can actually see them making your sandwich there and they're always asking "Do you want this?" and "Do you want this?" You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she orders a sandwich at Subway. Is she willing to try new things? How controlling is she? Is she bossy and mean? How much does she complain? That's what I think whenever I see that movie When Harry Met Sally on TBS. I mean, right after I think "This movie really sucks," I think that Harry should know to keep away from Sally from that very first time that they go into a restaurant (even though its not a Subway) and she's all picky about how she orders. It's supposed to be this cutesy running gag that it takes her forever to order a sandwich, but he's so stupid it never occurs to him that this is how she's going to be in every area of life, from how she runs the house to how she is in the bedroom.

For a woman, I think a good first date would be to set him in front of a TV and give him a remote control and watch him. Does he stick with something he knows is a good thing? I mean, is he like "I don't need to see what else is on," or is he always looking for something new and different? How patient is he about interruptions? Whenever I see The Fly with Jeff Goldbloom, and Gena Davis opens his closet and finds six identical suits hanging in there, and he says it's because he doesn't want to have to give any thought at all to what he's going to wear so that he can devote all of his mental energy and attention to his science, I think, what an ass. And why is she apparently so willing to think that he's going to want to devote any time or energy to her? He doesn't fit my remote control theory, but he's definitely a bad first date. And then on the second date, he starts turning into a fly and body parts start falling off him, so in a way that would make him a really bad second date too.

Once I was watching 101 Dalmations. There's this part right after the puppies get kidnapped that Pongo and Perdita go outside and howl and bark real loud, something about the missing puppies. A ways off, another dog hears them and he relays the information. A ways off, a third dogs hears him, and so on and so on, back and forth. I find this concept of a kind of information superhighway for dogs intriguing. They could exchange ideas and debate the issues of the day. I imagine this network stretching across the globe and reaching dogs in the remotest parts of the world. I imagine that, using this network, dogs could establish rules of conduct, a means of enforcement, and even a limited form of self-government. I don't know that it's true, but I'm keeping an open mind. Anyway, I'm not real worried, because I trust the dogs. Cats I would worry about. Luckily, they can't bark.

I don't think the Dog Government is a very likely scenario...I mean haven't you ever played that game where you send a sentence around the room from one person to the other. I remember one time it started with "The accent in France is so silly" and it ended up as ((something I won't reprint here)). It always gets perverted and/or violent. If we encourage this sort of behavior in dogs there would be such miscommunication we would have dogs in different countries building armies and getting in arms races over their misunderstandings. Or imagine if dogs realized that the world was round and they really did try and dig to China, there'd be so many deep holes in my back yard I'd be afraid to go outside.

-Chris