People love nature. It inspires them. Snow-crowned mountains wreathed in clouds. Eagles soaring, proud and fierce and free. Giant, ancient redwoods touching the sky. Ocean waves, flecked with foam, lapping against the glaring white sand beaches. Golden fields of wheat stretching to the horizon, kissed by a rippling breeze. Wild stallions, hooves pounding, nostrils flared, charging through canyons as if driven by destiny.

People love this stuff. They think it touches something deep and primal in the human heart. That's why you see posters and calendars and framed portraits and postcards depicting these nature scenes. After all, what's bigger or more imposing than a mountain? What living thing is older than a redwood? More majestic than an eagle? As vast as the ocean? People think a love of nature somehow connects us to our past, like the pioneers or Native Americans, or even before that back to the very first settlers of Europe or Asia or Africa.

But what's so great about that? Who wants to feel connected to Vikings, Saxons, Monguls, or Huns? Even the tribal peoples of Africa and North America had a nasty habit of slaughtering one another. I'm not a big fan of pillaging or conquest, and if I want to feel a connection to someone I'd rather skip ahead a few centuries.

And anyway, whoever said that ancient people had a love of nature? I mean, nature was pretty much all they knew, being right smack-dab in the middle of it like they were. Most of what anyone ever achieved back then was in overcoming nature, not in living in harmony with it. Their cultures and their everyday lives revolved around nature because they didn't have cars or computers or even books. They didn't go hiking or camping or fishing because it was fun, it was how they got places and where they lived and what they ate.

People think guys like Lewis and Clark and Hudson and all those guys were these great naturalists who braved the elements to map the interior and carve out a civilization on our continent. Maybe. But (aside from the fact that there were already people living there) that's not even what they were trying to do. They were looking for shorter trade routes to places that they already considered civilized. People think places like Colorado were settled by pioneers in covered wagons who pulled up and said "Ah, look at the beautiful mountains! Let us settle here, friends!" I think somebody took one look at those mountains and said "Forget this! I'm not climbing over THEM! Let's just stay here."

So, someone has a picture of a mountain on their wall with some inspirational quote on it, you know, something about achievement or something. I look at it and I'm wondering how many people died of exposure on that mountain in the last year. Or there's a forest glade with some quote about peace or serenity. I'm thinking bugs, poison ivy, it's hot, it's muggy, I'm lost, give me some trail mix and shut the hell up.

Every so often you hear someone say "I love nature" which sounds all-encompassing, but for most people a love of nature is very selective. People love dogs and cats and horses; they raise and train and breed them, give them names and register them and talk to them. Very few people loves cows or pigs or squirrels, at least in the same way. People love apes and pandas and dolphins and eagles; they're always protesting their mistreatment and protecting them and writing about them. Not a lot of people, though, love bats or skunks or snakes or maggots. People hate that dolphins get caught in tuna nets, but no one is complaining that the tuna are getting caught. People love mountains and beaches and forests, but nobody loves deserts. At least no one goes camping or hiking there. No one builds a summer home in the jungle.

And why is it that people who "love nature" always seem to be vegetarians? That's not natural. It might be healthier, and it might even be more compassionate or whatever, but if you believe we evolved from cavemen or something like that, then you have to also know that man is not naturally a vegetarian.

What about bottled spring water? Is that supposed to water from right up out of the ground? Why is this supposed to be better for you? Don't we spend millions of dollars every year processing water just so we can drink it? They call it mineral water. You know what minerals are? Rocks and dirt.

Nature is over-rated. They say whales can sing, but I would rather listen to the Ramones, and they only know three chords. They say mountains and trees are beautiful. You know what's beautiful to me? Sela Ward. She's a doll. The spaceships on Star Trek are beautiful. So is female full-contact karate, the motion is so fluid and graceful. Plus it's like, two chicks hitting each other.

You always see things labeled as "100% natural". First of all, that means nothing, you can label anything as "natural". Second of all, when was the last time you saw something labeled as "75% natural".

Why is "natural" supposed to be good anyway? I guess it's supposed to represent a way of doing things that is very old, or even possibly something that modern man has forgotten somehow in the hustle and bustle of daily life. Let's say someone was marketing some new herb or tea or yogurt or vitamin, and their selling point was, say, the Ancient Egyptians used this thousands of years ago, or it was used by physicians in Ancient Babylon, or by Native American Tribal Chiefs. People would love it!! Wow, something that old and that natural HAS to be good! But didn't those folks have an average life expectancy of, like, 30? And anyway whoever said their lives were so much better than ours? They had plagues and diseases that we cured a long time ago, and it was all done by science and experimentation, not by "nature".

So all the people who love nature, do they have bugs crawling all over their houses? Do they take medicine or go to the doctor when they're sick?

Ok, well, now I'm talking about some very extreme cases. I'm just saying, I don't love nature all that much except maybe an occasional documentary on PBS. And I don't think people who say they love nature really love it as much as they think they do.