I'm not sure there are any extra-terrestrials out there.
People say they're out there, I don't know. People build huge radio antennae and talk about them and write about them. Supposedly,
they've been here, or they are here, or they keep coming back and leaving again. Or something. Some people say that they are
from a civilization much more advanced than ours. If they're coming to earth from another planet, then this is so obviously
true we shouldn't have to spend too much time discussing it. But I will anyway. Another theory is that, aside from being technologically
advanced, the aliens are coming from a planet that has severely depleted its natural resources, and so they came here to study
us. It sounds like a hippy thought this one up, but I tend to believe it and I'll tell you why.
UFOs
Over the years, UFOs have appeared to a lot of people. Mostly
country people and farmers and stuff. They never appear in big cities. It's kind of like the very first episode of Green Acres
when Oliver moves out to Hooterville but has no idea what he's doing. But at least he knows where to go, and has enough sense
to steer clear of Mr. Haney. Of course, this doesn't explain why the aliens don't appear to people who run grocery stores,
or better yet, soup kitchens. They'll feed anyone.
Cattle Mutilations
Over the years, people have found cattle that have been killed
in a mysterious way, with many of their organs removed by some type of laser and an almost surgical precision. Kidneys, eyes,
livers, tongues, stomachs, intestines; all have been found missing from affected cattle.
Nobody eats that stuff, not
when they don't have to. These aliens take eyes and tongues and act like they never even heard of a steak. They must be picking
up old transmissions of Sanford and Son. Or maybe they've been observing English people.
So their home planet is starving because they only eat the
organs of their cattle. Or maybe they have these weird alien cattle with huge eyes and tongues and livers, so that's all they
ever eat. And they think eating the meat--which, let's face it, is just the muscle and fat--is disgusting. And now that I
think of it, it is pretty gross. Maybe they're trying to study our cows to see if they can breed them to have bigger organs.
Crop Circles
Here's a biggie.
Almost as impressive as their ability
to travel between solar systems is the aliens' talent for creating progressivley complex patterns in English fields. They
are able to do this in the dark of night, in complete silence, without damaging the crops at all.
On Earth, this is
what we call "playing with your food".
Now, it could be that making these designs is no big deal. Or at worst it might
be like one of those last-minute solution things on Star Trek where the Captain says "I need a way to make designs in that
wheat now!!!" and then the engineer says "If I vent 3.02 millijoules of subspace plasma through the central dorsal array,
and reconfigure the main deflector dish to emit a hyper-poloran beam, I should be able to arrange the wheat into the configuration
of a pretty daisy" and then the Captain says "Do it!" or "Make it so!" or something else forceful.
But I think it
more likely that the technology they use both to make the crop circles and to hide their activities took a huge commitment
of resources to develop and a massive amount of time and energy to implement. I can only conclude that the aliens are idiots
who don't know what grain is for. They don't even steal it, or study it, they just fingerpaint in it. Its like a sulky kid
at the dinner table making designs in his mashed potatoes.
Not only that, but they apparently have spent years of reasearch
and probably billions of dollars (or their own currency, the yevblat) developing the technology when they could have been
spending it on, say.....food.....
Alien Abductions
People have been talking about alien abductions for a long
time. The aliens perform horrible experiments on people and then wipe their memories. They implant them with small crystals
which many people hypothesize are sophisticated tracking devices.
I think they're just traffic accidents, and the
"tracking devices" are just pieces of the windshield that their surgeons missed. And they're wiping their memories so that
no one gets sued.
But whatever their reasons are, people do believe that aliens are abducting them. Normal, everyday
people are reporting abductions at an alarming rate, and their personalities are being altered to write books about their
experiences, appear on talk shows, and anything else they can think of to turn a quick buck.
Conclusion
Yes, the aliens are real. And they're among us. And they're
idiots.
