Or like the one about the man and the mormon with all the cats.

 

 

Well, the answer is supposed to be just one, because if you met him on the road, you're supposed to assume that he was going the opposite way as you. I don't know why you're not supposed to assume that you could meet this guy as you passed him because his wives were all weighted down with cats and couldn't walk faster than you.

 

Why does this guy have seven wives anyway? Where are they taking all those cats? Why isn't he carrying any? And if each wife is carrying that big a load, imagine how huge they have to be. Technically, it only says this guy had seven wives, not that they were all with him. And it also doesn't say that the cats were all there, just that the wives had them had them and for whatever reason had chosen to keep them in sacks.

 

It's also kind of suspicious that there are 343 cats and each one has exactly seven kittens. The cats were obviously selected to go in the sacks based on the number of kittens they had. And why keep them in sacks? Aren't they suffocating? It sounds like voodoo to me.

 

I don't know much about Mormons, or if they do any kind of cat voodoo. I hope not. Anyway, my conclusion is that there's just not enough information to tell how many were actually going to St. Ives, and I certainly don't think a child could know.

 

Or the one about how you're going down a road and you come to a fork and there's two guys standing there, one always lies and one always tells the truth, and you don't know which is which and you can only ask one guy one question, what do you ask?

 

Let's say you did figure it out. When would you ever use this skill? When would you ever, in the course of your daily life, be faced with this situation? Or even one remotely similar?

 

How do you know that one guy always lies and one always tells the truth? Couldn't the person who told you that have told you which way to go? And how many people always lie or always tell the truth? Why can you only ask one question? And why can you only ask one of those two guys? Can't you just turn around a find a gas station?

 

See, they're always trying to twist things around. At one point they want you to expand your mind and "think outside the box" and then they're always placing these made-up limitations on you, like one question of just one guy.

 

They're stupid.

 

I hate them.

 

I'm all for helping people. I really am. And I would never make fun of starving people with rickets and distended bellies. But every time I see one of those "Help The Starving People" shows on TV, they always say like you can feed a family of four for like eighty cents a day? What do they eat? Can they help me make a budget for my family?

 

And then this rugged-looking outdoorsy guy with a great big bushy white beard comes out, and he's a really large man, and I wonder how much it costs to feed him for a day.

 

Sally Struthers used to do a lot of work with stuff like this, and she's really big now, too. I wonder if working with starving people makes you want to eat more. It probably does.

 

Some people love to eat. Of course, people love all kinds of things, and a lot of those things can kill you. Like drugs. I mean, you do drugs once, and you're like wow, cool! And then you do them again and it's like aaaall righty...and pretty soon you're doing more and more and you're totally hooked and along the way you don't even notice that you don't even like doing drugs anymore.

 

It's kind of like dating a werewolf. It might be great most of the times, but sooner or later you're going to get torn to pieces.

 

I think there's a lot more stuff that I don't like than stuff that I like. But because I like it, I spend a lot more time thinking about the stuff that I like.

 

Take the Beach Boys. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about them, because they suck. I've been in conversations with people who tell me all about how, to them, the Beach Boys represent America and youth and freedom. Which is great, but it in no way detracts from their sucktitude. I mean, representing abstracts is all fine and well, but I just don't think a rock group should sound like a barbershop quartet.

 

I also don't spend a lot of time thinking about licorice. I really hate licorice, so much so that I have a really hard time even imagining why it's made. I don't even know anyone who likes it even a little bit. To me it's like candy that the devil made up to give to people in hell.

 

They show really bad 80's movies on Channel 17 Sunday mornings, and it's hard to think too much about those even while you're actually watching them. Like this movie on now, The Legend of Billy Jean. I can't imagine sitting in a theater watching this movie with nothing to distract me from its horribleness.

 

I don't like any show that was ever made by Norman Lear. I don't like brains or tongue or feet or chitlins or any part of any animal that would normally be given to dogs. I don't like movies with Julia Roberts. I don't like possums in my yard, but I hear that if you clean them up they make good eating. I hate when folks ask me how I'm doing when we both know they don't care. I don't like Hardee's.

 

I've decided to write a poem about what I don't like.

I Can't Stand

 

 

Yet so few people take the time to really hate them all