Most other kids got into sports, but I never did. It wasn't because I wasn't any good at them (although by the way I totally sucked) but just that I never saw the point. So I score a goal or whatever, and then what? I mean, what's the big deal? It always seemed pointless to me, which is why even to this day the only sport I can watch is boxing. I guess because when you pummel a man in the head until he's unconcious, you know you've accomplished something.

 

I wonder if boxers all hate each other. It would make boxing easier. Like I knew this one kid in grade school who was one of those cool athletic kids and everyone liked him and he was real popular, and the thing was, unlike every other popular jock kid I ever met, this guy never seemed to have a bad word to say about anyone, and even if he was in the middle of a game, say, and some doofus loser came up and wanted to play, he'd go "Ok, stand there and try to catch the ball" or whatever, and even if all the other jockstraps complained he'd go, "No, he'll be all right, let him play," and if one of those guys was picking on a smaller kid he'd be all "Come on, leave him alone, let's play some ball" or something. He never made a big deal out of being nice, and I used to wonder if he even realized it. But anyway, the point is, he was real athletic and all, and if he was ever a boxer I can't imagine someone wanting to punch him in the head. That might be a big advantage, come to think of it, instead of insulting you opponent and getting him all mad like boxers do, just be real nice to him so that he feels bad about hitting you. Unless all boxers are jerks. Which now that I mention it they all do seem to be.

 

I was never into any of that when I was a kid, though. And it's not that I have any complaints, really, because I didn't mind not fitting in and I never wanted to be just like everyone else. I did think it monumentally stupid, though, that everyone else didn't want to be just like me. That would have been fair and reasonable.

 

And so they told me I was special, which doesn't seem like so much considering it's what they called kids like in the Special Olympics. I don't have anything against anyone who's retarded or disabled, it's just not something I ever aspired to personally. On the other hand, I once knew a kid who was mentally challenged, at least kind of slightly, and the best thing about him was that he had all the self-confidence in the world. In fact, way more than he should have had. And I just say that because I don't think anyone should have as much as he did. Anyway, he wasn't scared of anything. And it might seem cruel to say that I once convinced him to scale a 30-foot cliff bare-handed, but I'd convinced a lot of people to do more dangerous things than that, just for fun, so in my own special kind of way I like to think that I was just treating him like I treated everyone. And he seemed to enjoy it.

 

I guess it all kind of evens out, then, because you always hear about celebrities and supermodels with all these self-image problems and all that. I'm not taking any pleasure in it, I'm just noting the irony. And then they all join support groups and have these affirmations where they look at themselves in the mirror and repeat things over and over, like

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe it helps some people, I don't know.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way I went from being just "special" to being "different". There is a distinction. You can tell someone they're special just by saying it, "You're Special," but when you say they're different, you have to pause before the word "different".

 

 

 

There's always that pause, like they're trying to think of a neutral term to replace what they're really thinking, which is "completely psychotic" or "a side-show freak" or "actually kind of scary". I don't know why they pause, because they always seem to come up with the same word, but I suspect it's to let me know that what they're saying isn't really what they're thinking.

 

I've known a few people like this, you know, people who think of things a little differently, or relate things in unusual ways, or put their own twist on things or whatever. And they all know exactly who they are and exactly why someone would call them "different". And yet they almost always take offense and act like they don't know what it means.

 

 

It's like, to them, different is bad. And yet, the ones they would think of as not different are all in therapy telling themselves that they're enough, just as they are.

 

I don't mean to give the impression that "different" means better or smarter, or more stable or emotionally secure. Or that there's something wrong with being in therapy. Or being heavily medicated and locked in a room with a ping pong table and sock puppets and given a box of crayons with your name on it.

 

Because whether you're different, or the same, you're probably an idiot.