Anyway, this is to me what late-night TV is like. Not all of it, but at least the talk shows and these stupid crappy movies that come on in the middle of the night. I hate them. I can't stop watching them. I love them. They disgust me. It's like when you have a chip in your tooth and you keep running your tongue over it and you can't stop.  It's like I'm a junkie.

 

Does John Ritter or Pam Dawber or Shelley Long ever look at their lives and wonder where the heck did I go wrong? Do they have agents who call them up and say things like "I've got a great deal for you!! You play a high-powered business executive whose taken hostage, and your daughter played by Alicia Silverstone is a rebel with a chip on her shoulder!"

 

The worst part is, when I watch with the captioning on (which is most of the time), it always say that the cationing is sponsored by the U.S. Department of Education. What does education have to do with these crappy movies? Just in case you thought deaf people were safe, the U.S. government wants to make sure that they're just as brain-dead as the rest of us.

 

If I didn't watch TV, just think of all I could do. I could help the poor, or become a brain surgeon.

 

Well, maybe not a brain surgeon.

 

I saw a TV show once about this brain surgeon dude who cut off the top of this lady's head and then started poking it with a stick. And so like he would poke one spot and she would go "Mommy!" and then another doctor dude would take out a sticker that said "Mommy" and actually put it on her brain.

 

I wonder how long that sticker dude went to medical school and is there a specialty called stickerology? Maybe I could do that, as long as I didn't have to actually cut the top of someone's head off. That would totally freak me out. I would be afraid that her eyes would pop open or she would start screaming. They say you're supposed to be awake through the whole thing. It might be funny if you were getting operated on to actually start screaming just to screw with the doctor. Anyway, I wonder if they take the stickers off before they put the top of the head back on, and do they have another guy to take them off? Probably not. Probably, sickerology involves like 8 years of medical school: 4 to learn how to put the stickers on and 4 to take them back off.

 

The whole sticker thing is called mapping your brain, and you can't just map one brain and then use that map for everyone, because every brain is different and has to be mapped separately. At least that's what they say. It may just be that the stickerologists are a powerful political lobby, and that's just what they want us to believe so that they can all keep their jobs.

 

I wonder, once, you map someone's brain, can you take things out of it? Or put things in? Maybe that's what all the stickerologists are secretly trying to do so that they can marry all the best-looking women and get all the best jobs and eventually take over the world.

 

Maybe they could put little switches in there so that like if you get a song stuck in your head they could just turn it off for you. But it would suck that some overpaid brain surgeon guy could just switch it back on whenever he felt like it.

 

Anyway, I don't think I could do any work involving cutting people open. Besides I love watching TV too much. I'm still waiting for the day when I can just plug the cable right into my head so I can just close my eyes and watch whatever I want. Maybe the brain guys can help me with that. It's funny how everything comes back full circle like that.