It's too hot in here, even if I open the window. You'd think the rain we got today would have cooled things off, but all it did was make it humid and muggy. Sometimes I watch the news and they say that humidity is at 100%, but I don't know what that means: To me, it sounds like you're underwater, like when you see those flooded towns in Mississippi, when the water is up to the top of the stop signs and the old men are navigating the streets in those little john boats. That's 100% humidity. But anyway, it's hot, is all I'm trying to say. Really really hot, unless I put the fan in the window. And then it gets really really cold, which is weird. I keep thinking about the creepy puppet guys on that old Christmas special, the ones who made everything hot or cold.

 

I think they were Heat Miser and Cold Miser. When I say they're creepy, I mean all those puppet things, including Rudolph and that sadist elf who wanted to be a dentist. I say he was a sadist because I assume elves don't get rich or even want to be rich, and it's hard to imagine anyone wanting to specialize in dentistry or proctology or podiatry unless they wanted to be rich, or unless they had some weird fetish, and I think all those elf puppets were strange.

 

So anyway, I turned the fan off and went to get some ice water. I love water with lots of ice. I don't like ice in anything else, like Coke or tea or scotch, because the ice melts and waters down your drink. But that's not so much a bad thing when you're drinking water. Sometimes I like to get a big plastic cup and fill it with ice water, and just sit with it next to me and don't even drink it. I just kind of find it comforting that it's there and I could drink it if I wanted.

 

It's kind of like America's Most Wanted. I like to watch it, but even when I don't, I like just knowing that it's on, and that other people are watching it and, like me, dreaming of the day they get to turn in an annoying neighbor or family member to the FBI.

 

That's kind of how I feel about ice water, only this time I actually wanted to drink it, only when I went to drink it there were little gross black things floating in it. I noticed that they were parts of a dead spider. I noticed that because there was one slightly larger gross black thing in there that was still moving, and it was a whole entire spider, which of course grossed me out but at the same time intrigued me.

 

I wonder if they were just normal spiders kind of going around minding their own business when some other spiders mugged them. Or maybe one of them was like a spider cop working on a case to bust up a ring of ant smugglers or something, and he got too close to finding out the truth so they killed his wife and dumped them both in the water cup, only he survived and so now he's going to go out seeking revenge. Kind of like a Steven Seagall movie.

 

Or maybe the reason the spider is in my water cup is because he's from Atlantis. And maybe he was chosen to go to the surface world to retrieve a stolen artifact that powered their underwater spider city, and he found an evil spider genius living in my house who was plotting to use the artifact to power a mind-control device that would give him absolute control over all bugs everywhere. And they had a big battle that ended in my water cup.

 

If you're wondering what I did with this heroic spider, well, all I can say is that I hope he really is from Atlantis, and that the septic tank system in my neighborhood goes right to the ocean floor.

 

And now it's really early Sunday morning and I wish I had some time to sleep before church because I'm really tired, but if I go to sleep I know I won't get up in time.

 

I kind of wish I could travel in time, then I could go to sleep, wake up, take a shower, go back in time, go to church and teach Sunday School. The only thing is, when I got home from church, I couldn't go to bed because the me from the morning would be sleeping there and I wouldn't want to wake myself up. So I'd have to wait til the other me got up, but then the other me would be taking a shower and probably playing loud music and being all obnoxious, and I would get really pissed at me. And then maybe the me who's waking up would say he didn't feel like teaching Sunday School, and why should I go back in time since the first me already taught Sunday School, and then I'd just not go back in time and the other me would disappear and maybe I would wake up in a parallel universe where no one had showed up to teach Sunday School, or maybe the whole universe would explode. This almost becomes kind of a moral lesson. Maybe I could teach this in Sunday School.

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Ok well I went to Sunday School. I decided that today's lesson would be about how a closed exogenic system would not cause an adaptive mutation in a random element, but would reject the deviation in favor of its established matrix. And then something about the Bible. Actually I'm just kidding, I didn't say any of that.

 

I've forgotten, by now, the spider in my water. Or anyway I would have, if I hadn't written down every thought as it occurred to me. Writing things down like this could actually be an effective form of therapy, I think. I mean it could, if there was something wrong with me and if this in any way helped me get better, I would recommend it to everyone I know. I'm still waiting for the technology to be able to think in binary and download everything onto CD-ROM, though.